response to adult child stealing (from old thread)

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by autumnd, Dec 30, 2015.

  1. autumnd

    autumnd New Member

  2. autumnd

    autumnd New Member

    Wow we are dealing with a similar situation with our daughter only she was an addict for over 10 years and was also arrested for stealing from her job but got off...she actually has gotten away with a lot but after being sober for over a year she did spend 10 days in jail because of her past as a addict...She finally had a job and we thought all was well until I noticed money be taken from our checking account since November and going into a Capital one Account..I did contact the bank and was going in to do the dispute etc but she admitted it was her account and begged not to press charges..etc etc Her boyfriend is paying it back today all $900 of it and swears it is not drugs again and is on call for a Dual diagnosis center to get help since she is stealing but is clean .......I do not know what to believe...I am drained and am cannot do this anymore..My husband said not to go forward with the bank so I listened but my question is....if it is not drugs this time....can A mental disorder make her continue to steal? when not using...its all the same pattern........My daughter moved out at 18...and is 27 and I seriously do not want to see her face....her dad is so ill with End stage kidney failure since last December and she swears she wants to get better for him........I am at a loss and give you a lot of credit for not bailing her out....We did many times but the last time she did do 10 days in jail and that is what woke her up...
  3. autumnd

    autumnd New Member

    they will ask if you want to prosecute..and once you say cannot change your mind...that is the decision I had to make and my husband said not to..the money is being deposited back today and she is on call for a place but I am done with her...
  4. autumnd

    autumnd New Member

    I am sorry for your pain but the one thing that did save my daughter's life was going to jail........especially if they have a drug husband told me the last time she was arrested if I got a lawyer and bailed her out..he would I listened...she has been clean close to two years now....but recently has stolen again but swears it is not drugs and is waiting for a place to take her in to see why is she stealing when not my advice to you is to really toughen up and let her suffer the consequences....It is so so very hard but you are saving your child's life....
  5. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    autumnd-this is a very old thread so I am going to start a new one for you and move this to the PE forum which is for adult children and more people will be able to respond.
  6. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    Welcome to the forum Autumn, I have to tell you that fall is my favorite time of year.... I am so sorry for your troubles and your need to be here. It hurts when our d cs make terrible choices like this.
    My #3 is 27 as well, but I think she is more around 13, in her thinking.I know there is such a thing as a dry drunk, probably the same for addicts, maybe clean, but the habits and tendencies are still there.

    My eldest, would steal from us, but has not (crossing fingers) gone this far, but given the opportunity, probably would. I have heard she is involved with credit card theft, she is out of the house and will stay out.

    My hubs is also ill, with chronic kidney disease (stage 3), diabetes and heart condition. He was hospitalized two years in a row, with a life threatening heart infection.

    This did not stop either of our two d cs, from their destructive paths.
    They will both deny hard drug use, until they are blue in the face.

    The last I saw of my Rain, she is homeless, and appears every so often, I told her how hard this is on her ill father, she looked at me and said with malice and venom...... "Well, how do you think it is for ME?"

    I think the hardest thing for hubs, is knowing his time on earth is shortened by his illnesses, and wanting desperately for his children to have better lives. He grew up in a very dysfunctional family, and worked hard his whole life to provide more for his kids.

    The thing of it is, be it drugs, mental illness, our d cs are adults, and we have no control over their choices.

    I hope you are able to sort through all of this. The end all for us, was that we have our 14 year old son, who deserves a peaceful home. This helped my hubs to redirect his focus, to our son. Our two, left the house in a dramatic exit four months ago, and I am working hard at emotionally detaching now. Sifting through the intense feelings. It gets better, day by day.

    You and your hubs have much to live for. Life is so short, and so precious......

    It is up to your daughter to follow through with her words, with actions.

    This is all so hard.
    Take good care dear. You are not alone.

  7. autumnd

    autumnd New Member

    Thank you so much for your kind and understanding words..I also have a son at home..he is 23 and hates his sister because of all she has put us through ..he is the complete opposite of her and is so helpful and so caring..he has always been a quiet child and we would never worry about him because of our daughter and her drama ..he has social anxieties and I believe because of growing up with her drama in the household...She left at 18 and is 27 but has the mentality of a 18 year old or less at times and I know because of the years of drugs...I am sorry about your husbands had chronic kidney failure since 2000 and his kidneys failed last December..he does dialysis at home every night and went back to work full time in March..every day is a struggle for him and she knows this which I do not understand why she would do this again...and then swears shes not doing both rehab facilities she was in they did say she had dual mental disorders and needed to follow through with therapy but never did...maybe now she really will...I don't know anymore...Right now I must worry about my husband..he has latent TB so he must be treated for that before they can do a transplant which we were so hopeful..and is getting a biopsy next week for possible Prostate cancer......she knows this and loves her dad so much so I truly cannot believe she has done this again after almost a year and a half of some kind of peace.........I just cannot do this with her anymore..I do not have it in me..I wanted to let the bank press charges but my husband said no.....Her fiance is giving her the money today to put back in our account and I just feel that again someone is bailing her out at this is so hard to believe her anymore...
  8. autumnd

    autumnd New Member

    Thank you I had a hard time figuring out how to post and where...I appreciate it..and this is a wonderful support really helped me pull it together today.
  9. autumnd

    autumnd New Member

    Autumn is my daughter's middle name :))
  10. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    I hear you, my well adjusted children are tired of all the craziness and have just had enough......I am sorry for the affect on your boy, hopefully he can get help and live a peaceful life.
    Oh my poor dear, you both have entirely too much on your plate, heavens. I am so very sorry for the stress of it all.
    Then, having to deal with daughters' shenanigans.
    I do not think that in the throes of addiction, our d cs have one iota of thought for others. It is the hallmark of the disease, a very selfish craving, indeed. My hubs is heartbroken, Rain was always his favorite. She has been slip sliding since 16 or so, 20 long years of see-sawing up and down.
    I do think it has affected hubs health conditions. You know men, just don't really talk and get it out.....So, of course, I am the "bad" guy in all of this.
    Like you, I think consequences are important lessons. We won't always be here to bail them out.

    I know the feeling Autumn. I hope you are able to get some rest and have time for you. It is all too much.
    Please take care, get enough sleep, and try not to overthink all of this. It really is beyond comprehension, isn't it? Just mind boggling.....

    take deep, deep breaths, you are not alone.....

    Take care and God bless,
  11. JMom

    JMom Active Member

    Autumn, I hope you have found some peace this morning. You certainly have a lot on your plate. I'm praying for you and your husband's illness and the rest of your family. We never know where things will end up, but I'm glad you are here and cam share your story.

    Situations like your hubs health put things in perspective for me. It's really hard to accept Difficult Child's actions. One would think illness would wake them up.

    It's going to be really hard to accept that. I can't imagine your pain. I can sense your strength through all of this. You are not taking it lying down and I'm so very proud of you.

    Hang in there, the world and your family home is a better place because you're in it.:angel: Hugs JM
  12. Childofmine

    Childofmine one day at a time

    Good morning and welcome Autumn, I hope things are better today and your funds have been restored to your bank account. What we live through with our DCs is so very difficult, and there is no right or wrong, only what you can live with. You sound like you are really tired and need some space and time so I hope you can carve that out for yourself and get extra rest for a few days.

    We can't fix other people and we can't save them from their own choices or decisions. Adults---in order to learn how to navigate adulthood---must face the consequences of their own choices and decisions.

    The more we can step back and allow that, the better off everyone will be.

    Glad you are here!
  13. autumnd

    autumnd New Member

    Thank you and the funds were put back in the next day..I have not seen or spoke to my daughter..only by text...she still
    insists she is not doing drugs anymore...which in a way makes me feel so to why would she do this again after what she has put us through in the past when she was a addict and stealing from us....I am putting space in between us. She needs to know that I meant it when I said I am done...she is 27 and it is her choice to fix herself and
    continue the right path she has been on.....I am so very happy I have this site to turn to to keep me grounded...Happy New Year :))
  14. autumnd

    autumnd New Member

    Thank you Leafy..we do have much in common and I do believe the dads keep far too much inside which is so bad for their health...I am the care taker here like yourself with my husband's illness..trying to keep the finances together..working and dealing with my daughter and her life....My son did get help and is doing amazing with his social issues....thank God ....I am doing better but miss my girl and want so bad to see her but I must be strong and let her realize it is not acceptable......You hang in there as well...hugs :))
  15. Nomad

    Nomad Well-Known Member

    We had a relative steal in the family.
    He was given a warning. But when it was done again, he was immediately sent to a boarding school for over a year.
    Interestingly, he was simply told that 99.9 %'of thieves are caught. This never occurred to him. This alone gave him pause.
    I agree that one chance might be given, and then swift action must be taken and that probably should be calling the police. And once you threaten an action, unless there is some true very very unusual circumstance it MUST be followed through.
    By the way, this young man is doing very well today.
  16. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    Hey Autumn Happy New Year to you! Me too, happy to be here, CD, definitely is a place to keep my feet on the ground.....
    You are doing so well Autumn, staying strong. It is a lot for anyone to deal with. I hope you have some " me" time.......

    Thank goodness your son is doing well, I am glad to read that. My kids that are doing well are my rocks. So much focus has been on my two
    d c's, in the meantime my three were in the background. So, switched that around and building relationship with my three. It is nice to spend quality time with them. They are good, loving, kind kids.
    Still holding up hope that my two will figure things out sooner or later. Just don't want to be wrapped up in the center of their hoopla.....
    I am just fine living a regular old life.....nuff drama please!
    Take care, 2016, here we are. Goodness, where did all the years go to? They just keep zooming by......
  17. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Everyone else said it so well. I just wanted to add ths. Drug users often claim to have quit. Go by her actions. Words are cheap.

    Im not saying she is still using, but her actions are consistent with drug use. Be careful with your heart and cautious with your head.