Round and Round we go....where we stop nobody knows....

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by PennyFromTheBlock, Oct 29, 2019.

  1. PennyFromTheBlock

    PennyFromTheBlock Active Member

    I apologize in advance for only seeming to come here when I need something- or help, or just someone to tell me it will all be o.k. somehow. It feels so selfish.

    Quick update:

    Daughter still doing well. No issues there.

    Son still who he is. Different day, the same story. His life is both changing and staying the same. His 4-year-old son, the absolute light of my entire life, is doing wonderfully. I get along really well with his mother- after having realized that all the "issues" I had with her weren't HER at all. It was him. It wasn't until they were no longer together that I realized it was never her.

    He has moved on to another vic....girlfriend....who is.....pregnant. Sigh. Another baby. Due in April 2020. Another little person to use as a weapon when you don't get your way or people don't "talk to you" the way you say. Oh joy. Already it has started....."if you aren't going to be as excited about this one as you were my son then you don't have to have anything to do with either of them"....."Oh the money I owe you (over 800.00) - I don't have it, you can contribute that to your new grandchild"....."If you are going to treat me badly over the PAST then you don't have to ever see the new baby" and on and on and on and on.

    I'm so tired. It's lose lose. If I intentionally call to check on him, just to say "hi" invariably it turns into an ask for money. ALWAYS. If I intentionally hang back, and don't call him (or God Forbid, I don't see something he posts on FB and don't comment, then "what kind of mother ARE you") then I'm rude and stuck up and think I'm better than....blah blah blah.

    I had a co-worker ask me the other day why I had never married (she wasn't being mean, just basic convo) and in my head I wanted to say "because no one would have ever been willing to live in the chaos of my home when my kids were growing up- my son would have been the dealbreaker"....instead I just say "never had time".

    Daughter hasn't talked to Son since August. She's DONE. If you remember, she has done SO MUCH FOR HIM. Much more than I wanted her to do- but as you all said- she will figure that out on her own and she did.

    The one thing about that is that it has always been just the three of us. Me and my two shadows. I would hate for either of them to be out there in the world alone if something happened to me. But it is what it is.

    I try really really hard to not look back on all this and take blame, or wonder what if. It is what it is. I did the best I could with what I knew at the time. I tried.

    I came here tonight because I'm down- and I read through some posts to try to get caught up. This is my one true safe place- the place where people actually get it and don't judge. You all don't know me from Adam, but I owe so much gratitude for all the advice I read from the shadows. It empowers me.

    I'm making a big life change in April- I'm moving. Took another position that is 96 miles away- they are letting me stay where I am until my lease is up. I wonder if it's the right thing to do- or if I'm just running away.....but at any rate I'm doing it. I'm a little scared and excited at the same time. I'm also fearful I'll become some weird introverted hermit because peace is what I seek.

    For those of you walking through fire- you will survive and I admire your strength.
     
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  2. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    Dear Penny

    I'm sorry you feel sad today. I think you are brave to make such a big change in employment and living situation. It can feel scary to risk things getting better. I know. Sometimes it feels safer to stay in a rut. To hope is to risk.

    I raised my son alone, too. And I am much older than you and never married. I wanted to marry but I was afraid. As old as I am, I have hope.

    By making these changes you are making room for life to enter. There has to be space, for the new to arrive. Sometimes we've got to mix it up.

    As far as your son. He is still very young. Over and over I have seen young men change around age 30. And lo and behold, the research shows that many men do not begin to mature until late twenties. I wish, though, that you could insulate yourself more from your son's meanness to you.

    I am so glad for you and for your grandson that you have a good relationship with the Mom. He sounds absolutely adorable. I am glad you posted.
     
  3. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    Hi Penny

    Congratulations on move. I think fresh starts are a great thing and we did it last year by moving from Chicago to the coast of Alabama. There have been many challenges but I am proud of us too! I wish we had only moved that far away because our two older sons are now far :-(

    It is too bad that your son acts that way towards you. I think sometimes the fact that they know our love is unconditional gives them what they think is the right to show us their butt side!

    I love my son but very often I do not like him. I look forward to the day when we can look back on all this and poke fun at it but then that may never happen.
     
  4. JayPee

    JayPee Sending good vibes...

    Penny,

    My heart goes out to you. We as mothers make ourselves so vulnerable to our adult children. We seem to withstand, tolerate and accept horrible behavior. I've only recently put a squash to that. It hurts because I haven't heard from oldest son in 3 months. He was threatening and verbally abusive. I so wish things could be different but for me I'm glad I was able to be the change I needed in the situation. It was obvious at 30 yrs. old he wasn't doing that. I can only hope while all I hear is "silence" that some growth, new life, courage, strength and healing is taking place in him.

    I can't be certain, but at least I've stopped being the "Bank of Mamma".

    I hope your new move will allow you to begin again. To have hope and peace in your life. That's all that most of us are looking for. We're not expecting a parade, confetti and balloons everyday. Just peace, hope and healing for us and our loved ones.
     
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  5. Beta

    Beta Active Member

    Good morning everyone. I just wanted to say hi and let you know that, although I haven't really posted recently, I'm still here.
    PFTB-I'm sorry for your sadness too. I hope that your move will prove to be a wonderful fresh start and that you will find some peace. Like all of us here--WE DID OUR BEST--that's all we could do. Why is it that some kids come from terrible homes and turn out to be responsible, caring human beings, and others come from loving homes where the parent(s) were supportive, and they turn out to be selfish human beings? Who knows.
    Don't beat yourself up. I know--easier to say than do.
     
  6. BusynMember

    BusynMember Active Member

    I am really sorry for your grief. But don't you think it's fair that you move and stop looking out for an adult who does nothing but abuse you and cares nothing about his welfare unless you take care of him, like a child? How is that good for you? How does that help HIM? Every single time you let him abuse you and come back for more he is learning that abuse reaps NO consequences and that he can treat anyone that way? He must be at least 30 by now. That is how long I have my abusive, lazy daughter to grow up....or be on her own. No matter how bad it got and it is BAD. She and her worthless husband has been evicted and are squatting for now. My grandson is there and we are going to take her to court for neglect, which we have evidence of. My other daughter wants to raise her nephew and she has the means and I'd an awesome mom. Kay will feel picked on and alienated but it has been over a decade and the child comes first.

    My husband and I are semi retiring and moving toibv a vacation house. She hopefully won't have the address.

    Enough is enough. Husband has illnesses. I do. We also have two wonderful kids who DO care that we are healthy and alive. Kay doesn't care if we are healthy or alive. Harsh but she has told us to drop dead so she can collect her inheritance.

    We have spent so much of our money on her to try to save her that we left her $5000 only. She will blow it in a day. We bought her a house, a mobile home, three cars, clothing, furniture, and much more while not doing that for our other two because poor Kay needed these things and had special needs and my others did not. My two other kids forgive us, thank God.

    If we care more about a child's welfare than the child does, nothing will change.

    On the very up side you can make your own life better. Go for therapy. This has been invaluable for us. Go to Al Anon. It has really helped us when we were at our worst. Lean into God, if you have God, church is amazing, your other family and friends are still there, throw yourself into the things that you love....hobbies, interests, keep busy.

    Your son Will survive the way he always has only he can't abuse you or take your money. If he is going to change he is better off without you as a crutch. Will he change,? I would be tickled if Kay changed. I don't think her mindset allows good changes. I no longer think about it. God can help her. I can't and she won't.

    I hope you never ever think you are bothering us. Keep coming.

    As then
     
    Last edited: Oct 30, 2019
  7. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    Hi Penny,

    So unfair of your son to try and use your grandchild and future grandchild as some kind of bargaining chip. That speaks volumes about the kind of person he is.
    I'm glad that you get along with your grandchild's mother because she can let you see your grandchild. Your son may think he all the control but he doesn't unless I missed something like him having full custody. If it were me, I would do my very best to maintain a relationship with the mother of your grandchild as that will help keep the door open for you.
    As for the new grandchild on the way, heavy sigh......:sigh:
    Only time will tell if the mother of this child will stick around with your son.

    If it were me and my son said something like this, my response would be "what kind of father ARE you to use your children as bargaining chips to get money from me"

    My son wasn't around his kids long enough to use them as a bargaining chip but he most definitely tried using emotional blackmail. I would get the "if you really loved me you would help me", or "I'm going to starve to death" or "I'm going to freeze to death" or "I know you have the money, you won't help me because you hate me"
    I have found it's best to have a canned, standard answer to give when the request for money comes up.
    Son: Mom, you need to help me! I need $$$ for "whatever crisis"
    Mom: I'm not able to help you. You are smart, I'm sure you'll figure something out.
    Son: What kind of mother are you that you won't help me!!!
    Mom: I'm not able to help you. You are smart, I'm sure you'll figure something out.
    Son: If you ever want to see your grandchild you will give me the money!!!!
    Mom: Someones at the door, gotta run, love you, bye. or I'm running late for an appointment, gotta run, love you, bye.
    You get the idea.

    Bottom line, you have to make a choice if you will allow your son to hold your emotions hostage. If he uses your grandchild as a bargaining chip and you give in, it will never end.

    As for you moving, this just may be the best thing for you. A fresh start! I think it's great to take some time just for you but don't take too long, make sure you get out and meet new people.

    :grouphugg::grouphugg::grouphugg:
     
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  8. WiseChoices

    WiseChoices Active Member

    I agree with the Poster above about setting verbal boundaries and not participating in your son's games. It sounds like he knows how important the grands are to you, and he tries to use this against you.

    I would not call since every call turns into an ask for money. And when you don't call and he judges you for that, oh well. The opinion of other people is none of our business including our adult kids.

    We are so powerless over our adult kids. But we are not powerless over our own actions .
     
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  9. Blindsided

    Blindsided Face the Sun

    Spot on! I swear your Kay sounds so much like my May.
     
  10. Chasejazz

    Chasejazz Member

    In the middle of all that chaos, I hear Hope.
    Good luck on your new position.
    Run towards change.
    You deserve it.
    Godspeed.
     
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  11. Triedntrue

    Triedntrue Active Member

    I agree with all of the above. I often daydream about moving away but finances won't allow.