I apologize in advance for only seeming to come here when I need something- or help, or just someone to tell me it will all be o.k. somehow. It feels so selfish. Quick update: Daughter still doing well. No issues there. Son still who he is. Different day, the same story. His life is both changing and staying the same. His 4-year-old son, the absolute light of my entire life, is doing wonderfully. I get along really well with his mother- after having realized that all the "issues" I had with her weren't HER at all. It was him. It wasn't until they were no longer together that I realized it was never her. He has moved on to another vic....girlfriend....who is.....pregnant. Sigh. Another baby. Due in April 2020. Another little person to use as a weapon when you don't get your way or people don't "talk to you" the way you say. Oh joy. Already it has started....."if you aren't going to be as excited about this one as you were my son then you don't have to have anything to do with either of them"....."Oh the money I owe you (over 800.00) - I don't have it, you can contribute that to your new grandchild"....."If you are going to treat me badly over the PAST then you don't have to ever see the new baby" and on and on and on and on. I'm so tired. It's lose lose. If I intentionally call to check on him, just to say "hi" invariably it turns into an ask for money. ALWAYS. If I intentionally hang back, and don't call him (or God Forbid, I don't see something he posts on FB and don't comment, then "what kind of mother ARE you") then I'm rude and stuck up and think I'm better than....blah blah blah. I had a co-worker ask me the other day why I had never married (she wasn't being mean, just basic convo) and in my head I wanted to say "because no one would have ever been willing to live in the chaos of my home when my kids were growing up- my son would have been the dealbreaker"....instead I just say "never had time". Daughter hasn't talked to Son since August. She's DONE. If you remember, she has done SO MUCH FOR HIM. Much more than I wanted her to do- but as you all said- she will figure that out on her own and she did. The one thing about that is that it has always been just the three of us. Me and my two shadows. I would hate for either of them to be out there in the world alone if something happened to me. But it is what it is. I try really really hard to not look back on all this and take blame, or wonder what if. It is what it is. I did the best I could with what I knew at the time. I tried. I came here tonight because I'm down- and I read through some posts to try to get caught up. This is my one true safe place- the place where people actually get it and don't judge. You all don't know me from Adam, but I owe so much gratitude for all the advice I read from the shadows. It empowers me. I'm making a big life change in April- I'm moving. Took another position that is 96 miles away- they are letting me stay where I am until my lease is up. I wonder if it's the right thing to do- or if I'm just running away.....but at any rate I'm doing it. I'm a little scared and excited at the same time. I'm also fearful I'll become some weird introverted hermit because peace is what I seek. For those of you walking through fire- you will survive and I admire your strength.