Saw difficult child yesterday

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by Nancy, May 6, 2012.

  1. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    difficult child texted the other day and asked if she could come and pick up her summer clothes. I texted back that she had very little here and that I had given her two bags of summer clothes last month but she said there were things in her closet she wanted. (Obviously she didn't know that I already went through all her things and threw all the trashy stuffy out and gave a lot to the goodwill).

    So she came over and spent a total of perhaps 5 minutes. We confronted her about her job and at first she lied and said she still had it. I reminded her that easy child takes her dog to that clinic so we know. She told us she got fired for swiping her care credit card and taking mony out of the drawer (stealing). She didn't think it was stealing???????? They told her it was!!!!!!!!! I still don't think she thinks it was wrong. She said she got a job as a hostess in a bar downtown for minimum wage two nights. That won't even cover the cost of gas.

    husband asked how she was paying her rent and she said she talked to the landlord and he said she could stay there as long as she needed and can pay him back and he gave her some numbers to call for housing assistance. I don't believe that for a minute. We never did get to ask her if the gas and electric and cable company were also going to let her keep their services as long as she wanted. I asked her is she still thought using drugs was not causing problems in her life and she said they were not. We asked her what kind of drugs she was using and she said just pot. We told her we knew that was a lie. She said she is having fun and loves this life.

    She grabbed some things in her closet and left without saying a word.

    TL I read what you wrote on the other thread and I really think she does love this life. She is not yet destitute. She still has her car and apartment and is able to steal enough to get by I guess and the drugs and alcohol are plentiful. She did not look sad or wanting anything. The pictures and comments she puts on fb tell a story of fun fun fun, they don't look fake. There may come a time when she is miserable but it isn't yet. difficult child has always loved living the life of a free spirit and she does not care about the comforts of home or life as long as she can do what she wants.

    On a good note, it was husband and my anniversary yesterday. We went to a graduation party for our nephew first and then on to a nice dinner at Hyde Park Grill. We invited easy child and had a lovely time. None of the family asked about difficult child and quite honestly we are all accepting and actually feeling more comfortable with her not around.

    Last edited: May 6, 2012
  2. rejectedmom

    rejectedmom New Member

    Well first and foremost, Happy Anniversary to you and husband! So glad you had a nice day. I agree that untill difficult child is no longer enjoying her life she will do nothing to change it. I also undersstand how it is more comfortable when the difficult child's are pretty much out of our lives. Enjoy your easy child and husband and bask in the peace of a difficult child-free daily life. -RM
  3. Signorina

    Signorina Guest

    Happy anniversary !!

    I am you called your difficult child on her behavior. Even when it falls on deaf ears, it is empowering to say it out loud. And I admire your strength in not letting the ill feelings linger.

    I too am feeling more comfortable w difficult child not around. Never thought I'd get here, still amazed I did.
  4. toughlovin

    toughlovin Guest

    Happy Anniversary.... I am so glad you can go out and celebrate. She may be "loving" her life but really a person who is happy with themselves don't live the life she is living. Normal healthy people want to be successful, move on in their lives, be productive. Something is stopping our difficult children from being able to do that. Certainly the drugging stops them, but I truly believe with my difficult child that there is some real psychic pain he is trying to numb himself from and until he deals with that he won't get clean. Nancy I think that is true for your difficult child to.... so maybe she is loving her life of partying, or at least says that on FB but I don't believe she is anywhere near happy.

    And its heartbreaking because as much as we love them we cant kiss them and make it better.

  5. exhausted

    exhausted Active Member

    Well Happy anniversary Nancy. The firing of her job for theft is just amazing-no connection to right or wrong and to how desperate she must have been. Truelly arrested development. I so admire your strength and being able to go celebrate after that encounter. It would have made my head spin at the place I am in. I pray for your strength when difficult child is an adult.
  6. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    The thing is TL, difficult child has been in therpay since she was seven years old. I have a list a mile long of all the counselors, psychologists, psychiatrists, and therapists that she has been too along with just about every medication known to man. We have spent thousands and thousands of dollars trying to get her help. If none of that worked I hold no help for any of that kind of help in the futue. And if it is true that her drugging and drinking is a symptom of something else, then I truly don't think anyone knows how to reach her. In my heart I believe she likes living her life partying with friends and living on the edge. She may not like not having money but she does not like being like normal people, holding a normal job, doing normal fun things. I agree she was miserable when she was living ont he street because she had no support system around her, but she has a big one now, a bunch of other losers who do nothing but sit around all day smoking pot and having fun.

  7. toughlovin

    toughlovin Guest

    Nancy, I totally get where you are coming from. My son also has had lots and lots of therapy, wilderness program a therapeutic skill etc. As we have said before they are very similar and should never meet!! I know you have mentioned before that your daughter at one point was thought to be borderline personality disorder. Has she been through DBT therapy....because that is the one form of therapy that seems to work with Borderline (BPD)...that is my hope right now for my son that he will get that where he is. And it may very well be that I am pinning my hopes on yet another program that won't work... if this one doesn't I am not sure anything will.

    It may be our kids are different in that I think my son knows he struggles with depression and anxiety... I am not sure he realized what part anxiety plays until the last couple of years when he started having panic attacks. So I do know that at least a part of him wants to get help with the psychiatric issues.... even though I am not sure he wants to really give up the drug use.

    In any case you are taking care of yourself.... because until she really wants help and is in a situation where she is desperate for it, nothing you do will make any difference anyways.

  8. dashcat

    dashcat Member

    you truly amaze me. I know this is a terrible time. Sending hugs.
  9. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    I'm so glad you didn't let her ruin your celebration. Reading your post I realize I never heard her reaction to her room no longer being "her room". I know you painted and changed things. Guess that didn't phase her either. Hugs DDD
  10. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    TL she started in DBT therapy when she was released from rehab but she went to three sessions before she relased and missed her next appointment and never went back. We have no more money for any further treatment so I doubt she will ever have that opportunity again.

    DDD interesting that you mention her reaction to her room. When she first walked in she she asked when did I redo her room and I said "why do you care?" Now I know that probably was not the best response but by that time we had just confronted her about her job and I wasn't happy that she was lying.

  11. Kathy813

    Kathy813 Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I'm sorry, Nancy. I know that must have been painful for you. Knowing they are lying to you face is the worst. It makes me just want to slap my difficult child.

    I'm glad that you didn't let it ruin your anniversary celebration. Good for you, husband, and easy child.

  12. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I'm sorry Nancy. I'm glad you had a good anniversary and that your comfort level without your difficult child continues to grow. It's a tough road and you always do it with so much dignity and courage. You and your family are in my prayers.
  13. buddy

    buddy New Member

    Oh Nancy, I am amazed you made it through that so well actually. Just really sad when she had some really good leads going on, but you summed it all up... she is just not ready. Hopefully she will be before there is a consequence that she wont be able to easily come back from.

    Glad you and husband had a nice anniversary! congratulations.