School sent him home

[rhiannon163]

Can they do this? This is the first time the school has called and asked us to come pick up my difficult child, who is in first grade. What was he doing? WEll, you'd think that it must have been pretty bad, right? I mean, schools don't just send kids home every time they misbehave. They sent him home because, get this, he wasn't listening or following directions. In other words, his ODD was in high gear, but no violence, no rage, no aggression. I am blown away by this. What kind of message does that send to the kid? Whatever happened to sitting in the principal's office? I am so angry right now. I moved to this town specifically because of the school system, it is considered the best in the area. I honestly think they've never seen a kid like my difficult child. Apparently, affluent families don't have difficult child's? I happen to be a pretty successful single mother so I could afford to live in this town, but I feel like an outcast because I am divorced, and I feel like the school is blaming my son's behavior on that fact. The teacher actually said to my DEX, "you know, there's only one other kid in the class from a divorced family", as if that explained everything.

We have a meeting Tuesday morning to start the IEP process. I just needed to come here and vent, and to get people's thoughts on a school that would send a first grader home because he wasn't listening.

 

[dreamer]

I am not sure about your town, but I can say----my oldest was sent home every single day from school, even after she was placed in a self contained ed bd classroom, and never once was she violent or aggressive. When I did not go pick her up- school called CPS and police and cps and police ordered me to pick her up. My child HAD an IEP and on her IEP she was supposed to be permitted to go to nurses office for a "quiet place" to regroup during major panic attacks. BUT more often than not, nurse refused to allow my difficult child access to her office, in spite of IEP.
Eventually we wound up in due process........My oldest was ultimately removed from school and has done homeschooling since.
My son has entirely different disabilities and issues, and his school fabricated reasons to send him home at least several times a week, ----he poked out his eye, had major reconstructive surgeries..........and afterwards the school would call and say "he has pink eye, you MUST take him to ER and get a note from ER saying he can come back to school" The ER was SO sick of trying to tell school, our surgeon was so sick of trying to tell school----------our surgeon wrote letters to our school nearly daily........(we saw surgeon 3 days a week, for over a year) the school KNEW my son did NOT have pink eye, BUT they also did not want to provide the accomodations he required- so to avoid it they simply kept fabricating garbage to weasle out and make life difficult. When I refused to come pick him up and take him to ER, they called CPS and police on me for that, as well..........CPS and police saw my notes from surgeon and ER but said if school called me to take him for pinkeye evaluation, I had no choice but to do so or risk medical neglect charges.....ER was extremely frustrated becuz us sitting in ER so often backlogged them and added to their overcrowded conditions and our insurance was quite angry due to all the costs for unnecessary concerns.

Some schools just have weird ideas about how to handle things.
But no, I do not think they are supposed to be able to send your kid home unless your child is a danger to self or those around him/her or has a weapon or drugs. Unless they are contagious with an infectious disease?

 

[dreamer]

PS my son has absence seizures, Many many per day. It is documented and in school records and part of how he qualified for Special Education services, but.......they often gave him detention and or suspension in grades 1-5 for "not paying attention" in spite of fact 4 neuros, 4 psychiatrists and a neuropsychologist explained to them he was having absence seizures. :-(

 

[oceans]

My difficult child was sent home quite often, and I always questioned the school about it. He had an IEP, and they would have had some problems if they suspended him 10X because of change of placement. I finally hired an advocate, and she helped me to get some things written into his IEP that he needed. He could always ask to go see the Easy Child teacher for one, so that he had a quiet place. Instead of sending them home they had a place for him to regroup and worked with him.

We did the same thing at his next school. after several IEP meetings and advocates coming in, they got it. I needed to be persistent. If you have the money, hire an advocate. It will make a difference. At least it made a difference for us. Sometimes moving into a district where there are exceptional schools, does not always mean that the schools are good with exceptional students....but you can advocate and sometimes you can get what you need....sometimes not.

 

[dreamer]

I think technically, sending them home is technically suspension...........and more than 10 days worth, that might technically be called "change of placement" --I would ask at the Special Education forum.

 

[Hanging-On]

Hey Dreamer,

What's "change of placement"?

 

[Hanging-On]

Rhiannon,

My difficult child was sent home for many things. The school he was in did this on purpose I think to make me move him to another school. I'm suing them now, and difficult child isn't in school. He's in temporary flux, so to speak, do to the SD. But your situation sounds very mild, and I'd be very annoyed also. In the IEP make sure a Behavior plan is setup. This should help the situation.

 

[BestICan]

Aaaaaargh I'm with you, Rhiannon. It's just not our day today, is it? I just came to post my own thread, but I'll join yours.

My 1st grader just got sent home today - first time ever. The principal told me it's the first suspension all year long. I'm livid. I'm mortified. I'm ticked at the system.

My principal directed me to the handbook (Los Angeles Unified SD) to show me the reason he was suspended. When the teacher asked my son to hand her a little metal bolt he was playing with, he tossed it at her instead of handing it to her. He was sent home because he violated this:

Caused, attempted to cause, or threatened to cause physical injury to another person

I just got off the phone with her. I asked, "Did you feel that he was trying to hurt you?"

She said, "No, I don't think he was trying to hurt me. But it's an automatic suspension if you throw something at a teacher." She said he did calm down afterward, but that she was so angry she felt "it was time," so she sent him to the Principal so he would be sent home.

Yes it's extremely rude, sure it's technically dangerous, yes she's put up with a lot of behaviors from him. But now it goes on his record that he was attempting to &*(ing harm his teacher? Aaaaaargh!

I honestly don't know what to think.

Regarding your son, Rhiannon, maybe you should check the "official" documentation. In our handbook, technically you can suspend a kid for being defiant. Here's a quote on grounds for suspension:

Disrupted school activities or otherwise willfully defied the valid authority of supervisors, teachers, administrators, school officials, or other school personnel engaged in the performance of their duties.

But I gotta say, if they followed this to a "T" then I think my son - and MANY other kids - should be suspended on a regular basis. It's all in the interpretation of the rules.

Sending big hugs to you - so sorry we're dealing with the same crap!

 

[Marguerite]

I am rapidly coming to the conclusion that when you have a school pulling this sort of stunt, you are beating your head against a brick wall if you try to change the school or force them to make accommodations. They have sufficient power that they can manipulate to make life a misery. You can always sue them - later, and if you're wealthy enough - but the child's welfare and education should come first.

I wish we all had the luxury and capability to home-school. This just isn't fair. But you can't change idiots. Intelligence doesn't materialise, and almost be definition, an organisation is only as bright as it's dumbest link.

Marg

 

[needabreak]

have you heard of the 504 and there is something else but i can not think of it yet.are children do have rights and you can not give up in them.my stepsons mother went as far as righting to the senater or someone high up and got action for her son cause he was always being kicked out of classes and was failing the teachers had to on there own time tutor him so he would pass.i think he has the 504 plan.it is a shame cause as i wrote in a nother post all schools should try to help our children no matter what.my difficult child when he has a meltdown goes to the princple or the nurse and they both understand him and help him no matter what even if it involves disaplin i know he is in a good place.i hope you can get the help you need.and schools start to open there eyes that there are alot of children out there who need our help.and if we can get them the help when there younger it would be to everyones advantge

 

[Marguerite]

Needabreak, your son's school sounds like a good place. There ARE schools out there who do the right thing by our kids. Unfortunately there are others who do not, but who instead use every niggling regulation that they can to make kids' and parents' lives a misery. Their aim is to persuade 'difficult' people to find an education somewhere else.

The trouble is, it's very hard to pin them down as doing the wrong thing. I attended a lecture on educating and raising adolescents and I mentioned the problems of schools who not only do nothing about bullies, but in fact seem to endorse bullying behaviour and also can be guilty of it themselves at staff level. Students do what they're told to do - report bullies - and get into trouble form staff for 'dobbing' (aka tattling).
The lecturer said that all schools now are having to fill in reports every year on the actual incidence of bullying in the school as well as what they are doing to minimise it. I told her that this school (and others like it) would simply insist that they don't have a problem any more with bullying, but crikey, do they have a problem with dobbers.

It's not only in how it's perceived but it's also in how the truth can be twisted to make life easier in the short-term for teachers like this who should have been retired long ago. We have no accountability that can be brought home. If we have a complaint and put it in writing, maybe complaining over someone's head to make sure we're heard, we find that the complaint has simply been referred back to the person we're complaining about. This person writes back, "There is no problem, it's all in the imagination of this person making the complaint," and the complaint is overruled. No proper investigation, no right of reply, no cross-reference with the many other complaints because no such files exist. We get told, "You're the first person who has complained about this" when we know we are not, but past complaints never get considered.

When it's this bad, you can't turn it into a school like your son's, needabreak. I wish we could. With a lot more fighting and an extremely resilient child who also doesn't age, maybe we could. But teachers know (and the system knows) that eventually, your child will 'age out' of that school and they will no longer have a problem with you. So everything they do is a play for time and a hope that you will give up and go away. And so often, it's what we end up doing because to stay and fight would damage our children and damage us, with no satisfactory outcome to even come close to making it worthwhile.

We need some sort of group advocacy to deal with this on a broad level, and to present (and lobby for) a simple, unified solution. My recommendation - for an independent review board (or person) whose main job is to resolve these conflicts between parents and schools, in an impartial way. The ultimate aim - to learn from negative experiences and put improvements in place to prevent recurrences. Focussing on blame and restitution won't work, but if we can focus on change for the better as the ultimate outcome, we're all winners, including the schools. But it will take ongoing concerted effort on a broad scale, often from people with no spare energy left.
I'm working on this now in our area. I need to nag my fellow lobbyists but maybe it's time for me to write another letter to my politic ians.

Marg

 

[rhiannon163]

Thanks for everyone's responses. This is going to sound crazy, but the word "suspension" never even entered my mind until I read it here. I totally forgot that kids get suspended from school all the time. And Jen, you are probably right on about the defiant rule in the handbook. I will have to check that. This worries me though. I am afraid of what I might be up against. We have a meeting Tuesday morning with the school. I've been online all weekend reading about IEPs and BIPs and 504s. No wonder people end up hiring advocates.

My difficult child actually has an "interview" Monday with a private school for gifted children. It was my DEX's idea to do this. I am still not convinced he's gifted. He scored really high on a Weschler IQ test given to him right before Kindergarten, and the school psychologist said he might turn out to be gifted (different SD). The woman at the private school said a lot of these kids do very poorly in public school because they are frustrated and bored. He does complain about being bored at school, and certainly he's way ahead of the other kids in reading, but his fine motor skills are lacking, I think. I'm not sure I'm ready to pull him out of public school.

I've said this a hundred times, and I'll say it again, THANK GOD for this board.

 

[Chewsie]

Hi,

My son's school tries to blame his issues on the fact that I'm divorced, nevermind that I got divorced when he was a year old.

They act like I'm poor white trash and before I became an RN...I was an elementary school teacher and they still treat me like PWT. It infuriates me.

 

[Marguerite]

The "poor white trash" concept - it should have been thrown out years ago, with slavery. It was an issue of poverty and lack of health care, more than anything else. It certainly should not be anywhere in people's minds today. Unfortunately, it is.

Marital status - even more of a furfy, in my opinion (that means it's bogus). At least half of first marriages end in divorce. Even more second ones do likewise. Just where so they get off making such judgements? It really makes me angry, especially when such judgements are made from an allegedly religious point of view.

To help defend you, arm yourself with the Scriptures. I refer to New testament here, sorry for those whose persecutors don't refer to it.
First point: whenever anyone is using scripture against you, read it for yourself but also read what comes before, and after. Know the context. More often than not, it gets quoted out of context.
The most commonly quoted scripture justifying people judging others -
Matthew Ch 18 verse 15 (and following ones).
It's misquoted as justification for "admonishing" others whose lifestyle is less than desirable, in the eyes of the person making the judgement. But if you read it carefully, it's actually saying the opposite - "If your brother sins AGAINST YOU [my emphasis], go to him privately and confront him with his fault. If he listens and confesses it, you have won back a brother. But if not, then take one or two others with you and go back to him again, proving everything you say by these witnesses. If he still refuses, take your case to the church..." and so on.
The point of this is giving us the right to deal ONLY with sins AGAINST US, not general grievances of perceived immorality. And THEN, it must be dealt with personally, not with a deputation until you have tried to resolve things at a personal level.

Very few people have the courage to first attempt a resolution of a personal matter on a one to one basis, before all other options. Yes this is what is instructed.

As for making judgements on moral issues, as a group - NOWHERE is such sanction given in the Scriptures. Nowhere. And yet I have heard that very scripture quoted as justification for snubbing a woman who was involved with a man who was married but separated. An entire group of upright citizens cast this woman out of the church, at a time when frankly she should have been surrounded by people who cared for her spiritual and emotional welfare. (no, it wasn't me - just a very close friend).

People with imperfect lives (and frankly, isn't that all of us?) should have doors opened for them, not slammed shut in their faces. And to use religious law as justification, when it actually says otherwise - is reprehensible and goes against he very spirit of the religious law being misquoted.

I have also been judged - by what I was wearing, mostly, or because my children are less than perfect. It is similarly discomforting to be put on a pedestal. The best way to cope is to try to hang on to a balanced perspective of who and what you are, to be a good person following what YOU know to be right. Never take this sort of rubbish on board personally - you don't have to own it if it is not you. Live your life as if you have the respect of the world. because in your own heart, that is what you should have. Teach your children the same attitude to life and they will not be set back by any people who think they know better.

Marg

 

[dreamer]

I am not sure if I am hijacking the thread or adding to it.I hope what I am gonna type adds to the thread, tho. ?? If not, then please accept my apologies.

Marg, what you were saying here reminded me of a conversation I just had 2 hours ago. I was on the phone with my brother who is nearly 30 years my junoir, from whom I had been estranged well over 5 years.but who is slowly coming back to me. He is a quite wealthy young man.....(he had a different fatehr than me- and his father passed away 8 years ago) whereas since 1990 me my husband and kids have been trying to survive on soc sec disability. I had been outcast as PWT........from our family. Recently our most religious in church sister and brother have outcast him along with me......why? Becuz they assume he is drugging and drinking etc. Becuz since our moms death, my unprepared much younger brother who had still been living with mom in the childhood home is having some difficulties with his sudden forced transition to independance. AND our other sister is wagging her "christian" tongue about his "poor choices" etc.

Apparently - she sees it all quite different than I do. I do think he has dabbled.......and yes sure it broke my heart- but------that was actually the beginning of him and I drawing close again. I confronted him PRIVATELY...........asked permission to HUG him, and then whispered in his ear how much I loved him, and please come to me. My sister, instead called everyone and anyone who would listen and simply purely gossippped about him and did so with the only intent of making him look "bad"
Truth is me and my siblings were raised to be forgiving and loving. Our uncle, my Godfather, our moms baby brother- he shot and killed his wife, our aunt. Our hearts were quite broken BUT while we heavily grieved her loss, we also stood beside my uncle thruout his prison sentence. Our mother and her other siblings truly believed that when someone is rock bottom, they need love of family there to help them see what they are doing wrong and lovingly guide them back to doing better.

Simply speaking porrly of someone with the only intent of making someone look bad, or trying to make someone else look bad so that you yourself may look "good" is evil and wrong.

My personal experience with our schools is not in my opinion anything morally "correct" It is all simply dollars and cents here. Money is The Bottom Line.........(please understand I am ONLY speaking of MY school here...............and my personal experience HERE) For us here, it is NOT about what is good or right to grow any kids into good civil working adults....it has sadly degressed to simply money..........and the kids who carry a diagnosis that could possibly someday create a media sensation...or kids who might need more funds for accomodations are wiggled nudged pushed & shoved along with their parents so that they will withdraw from school.
AH, OK, so some of you are going to post and say I am paranoid. Do keep in mind that off record the hearing officer who conducted our due process case confirmed this. And I was warned the more I fought, the higher the stakes would become. Sadly, my personal experience also showed the retaliation for trying to fight the system and force our school to comply with IDEA law was not confined only to my diagnosis'ed child.

BUT.............I am hoping hard that there is a possibility we are jumping the gun and that your school district is not quite so ..............nervous?

Have you posted to the Special Education forum here and asked Martie and Sheila to explain a little better for you about if the school sending your child home, even tho they are not formally calling it a suspension, if it still is considered one in the eyes of the law? And have you asked about the matter of 10 days worth being change of placement?
Change of placement can be many things. If a child is in regular classes and is moved to a self contained classroom, that is a change of placement. If a child is moved to a different school, that is a change of placement. Going on homebound status (which is something different than homeschooling) is a change of placement. But there are specific rules for changing placement.

I am pretty sure Martie will tell you very often a 504 is not worth the paper it is written on.......an IEP affords you better protections. If your child does not have an IEP, it might be wise to check into getting your child one.

People who are not part of a solution are...................part of the problem. The school is not helping your child if all they are doing is pointing a finger at you or your child and placing blame, no matter what they wish to blame. I do not care if you are married, divorced, a prsotitute, I do not care if you have 14 opposite sex husbands and 10 same sex mates. I do not care if you are Rockefeller or living in a shack. I do not care if you snort PCP and shoot meth into your arm. It does not matter. Your child has a right to an education. And getting an education involves more than going to a school building. BUT I am afraid you are going to have to work hard and study up about your childs rights to get an education. Polish up your warrior mom armour.

My heart just breaks when I look at my children and listen to them cry about the torture they endured at the hands of their school, and then reading that it is still happening out there. I used to blindly accept that maybe the school simply did not know better, but that was before I saw just how hard they can fight and twist things etc. And then when I get my outrageous real estate tax bill and see how much they charge us to treat the kids this way, it angers me even more.

Good luck to you. I do hope your school is not hardcore hardnose. But I am scared, it sounds like they might be.

 

[Wiped Out]

I thought I had to reply to this. I'm amazed when I read stories like this. It doesn't seem right and I would be furious. I know in our school district this would never fly. They don't suspend easily. Even times when I have felt some students have deserved suspension they don't. My son would be suspended daily if defiant behaviors were cause for suspension. I would definitely be doing some checking to see if it is written anywhere that they can suspend for this behavior.

 

[Kjs]

My son has been sent home soooo many times over the years. With an IEP. Wasn't until recently, and encouragement from this board, I said NO. He isn't violent, he isn't disrupting the class (same thing, doing nothing). they threatened to call the police and I told them to go ahead. They did not. they said they would call the police for disorderly conduct. (which didn't happen) Many other times when I asked WHY, I was told he said this, or he said that...it was inappropriate. Now I am much wiser, I ask "what happened prior to his response". Then I hear, I don't know, I would have to investigate.!! Well, Investigate before you punish!!!

I have raised a big issue at school saying I do NOT want him removed from the classroom if he is not being disruptive. He is to stay in class and get an education, EVEN if he chooses not to do the work. He will eventually end up doing it (homework) and he WILL be taking the tests. Haven't heard from school for 4 days. A record!!

 

[oceans]

You need to know the laws so the school can't get away with anything. If you hire an advocate that knows the laws, generally the school "knows" what they can't get away with, and the meeting goes differently from the beginning. You need to document everything. You need to act like you are working together with the school as a team member, but who knows and advocates for your child's rights. You can request that the meeting be tape recorded, although they might not agree to it. You should read the minutes of the meeting, and you can request that things be added that were said, but were omitted. You do not need to sign anything until you have a chance to bring it home for reviewing. The school does not want to spend the extra money, but they do need to provide an appropriate education. You want him in the classroom learning, and not constantly suspended, or he is not getting an appropriate education. They need to provide an education for him somehow if he is not present in school enough to get that education. When they took my difficult child out of his English class due to behavior, they needed to set up an online computer program in English in a different room. When he was having trouble with his behavior during math class, they sent him to the Easy Child room to work on math with the Easy Child teacher. It does not matter how much money a person has, how much money the school has, or a person's marital status. The school could get in trouble if they are not giving someone an appropriate education because of those things. Know your legal rights, or hire someone who knows the laws in your state. Some people do switch schools, but if the school you are in refuses to provide your child's needs for an appropriate education (if you have an IEP), you can ask for them to pay the tuition for a more appropriate school for your child. I am not saying that this would happen without a due process hearing or that you would win, but this is part of the way the law is written.

 

[Marguerite]

Oceans, you're right. Knowing the law and having back-up can at least cut back on a lot of the shenanigans the school puts us through. With some schools though, they will still go as far as they legally can to make life a misery. I hate having to turn into someone who is bullying the school, but sometimes it's the only way to stop it, or at least control it. But ten, so often the school or school district is just waiting for the opportunity for something to happen where they can rub your nose in it. That's when you know it's time to go somewhere else, at least for the sake of the child. You can keep on fighting afterwards, for justice and for an apology, but it takes a lot more chasing once you're out of their arena.

Kjs, I'm glad you're standing up to them. Now it's time to tackle them about homework... because I think husband is right, in this case. You have to fight enough battles with the school. Once difficult child is home, you should be focussing on family, not keeping school issues going for him. (I'm referring to your other thread here, but I feel it connects).

Well done for finally standing up to them.

Marg

 

[needabreak]

im not sure i under stood what you meant.i do think cause i work in the school and every one knows me they are trying extra hard with my difficult child.cause the things he has done he should have been expelled by now.but i do know that if he was in a public school he does have rights you just have to stand up fpr them and know what your talking about.im going to look for that list of laws but they apply to puplic schools not private.cause even kids with adhd have laws just for them.like extra time for tests,special seating in the class things like that.and teachers have to abide by them.