searched difficult children room

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by prntofbpd1991, Nov 23, 2008.

  1. prntofbpd1991

    prntofbpd1991 New Member

    So today i searched my difficult child's room, i felt terrible, but i have a feeling shes using drugs. I found a massive ammount of pot, and various perscription pills that she is NOT perscribed. This alarms me, because the drugs are probably just contributing to her problems. I was very upset and plan to confront her. What alarms me the most, is this: i also found condoms. I dont know how many of you have read my earlier thread, but my daughter was raped a little over a year ago, and is just coming to terms with it now, and dealing with all the traumatic flashbacks that comes with PTSD. She has a serious loving boyfriend, so if she did not have the PTSD tagged onto the long list of diagnosis, i would not be devastated.. however I cant help but think that sex is not a good idea right now given her past. Or, it may be a wonderfull thing that she feels comfortable enough with her boyfriend to be so intimate. any advice? should i let her know i found them?
  2. everywoman

    everywoman Active Member

    I think that you should. Does she willingly talk about the rape with you? If so, than you can approach it from the point of view that she needs to understand that after what she's been through that you hope that she is being careful.

    You say a loving boyfriend? Is he also involved with drug use? Why did she have such "large" amount. My difficult child uses pot frequently, but he only buys a small amount at a time so that if caught he will only be charges with simple possession. If she is holding a large amount could she be dealing? Could boyfriend be dealing?

    I'm sorry you've entered this areana. It is a difficult one. My difficult child has been told time and time again that if I find any I flush it. I search regularly, and he is 20, but as long as he lives in my home he will not have drugs in my house without some consequences---hence, the flushing. I could call the cops, but it wouldn't stop him from using and just cost more money in the long run.
  3. prntofbpd1991

    prntofbpd1991 New Member

    Just spoke with her-
    her boyfriend is a dream, and fortudently does not have to face the issues that difficult child is faced with, but he frequently makes her problems his own, (ex: calls me if difficult child seemed "off,") Hes basically a part of our family. I doubt he could be using, but then again, I never know..

    Anyway-- heres her story.
    She did not deny it was hers, (shocking, and as you guys know, very impressive as I expected her to lie to my face) She admitted to using to calm herself down when she got too emotional about something. When I asked why it was in such a large ammount, she gave an answer that broke my heart..
    She claims that she has no friends (this is sadly true, other than boyfriend) and rarely feels comfortable enough to buy it, so when given the option she buys alot. She then pleaded with me not to tell her boyfriend and that he doesnt know shes doing it.
    This seems like a believable story, but as you all know, difficult child's are fantastic at making up believable stories.
    But even if her story is true, which I believe it is, there must be a consequence. She does not go out with friends, so grounding her would have no meaning, she does go out with her boyfriend, but he tends to be almost theraputic for her, and I wouldnt feel right not allowing her to see him. She works for her money and does not get money from me, so i cant take it away. She needs her cell phone during school to reach me, isnt a big TV fan. Normally, i would take away computer privlages, but our computer has a virus (Im on my business laptop) so she does not use it anyway. any ideas?
  4. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    As hard as this is to face, and I have no doubt that you are distraught right now- all that she is doing is typical for a girl that has been raped. The drugs, sex- all of it. Is she seeing a therapist that specializes in rape counseling? If not, I urge you to get her to one immediately and keep her in it. Make sure it is a therapist that is dealing with thought processes and has a real understanding- not just any therapist that claims to have a "cure".
  5. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    I just read your last post- I realize it is wrong, but she is self-medicating. She needs some help and you need to be cautious who gives it to her- it can make all the difference in the world. If she's confiding in you, I;'d suggest not turning that off, even if it is counter-intuitive. At least for right now.
  6. smallworld

    smallworld Moderator

    Is she seeing an adolescent psychiatrist? Is she taking any prescription medications? It sounds as if she's self-medicating to ease her anxiety and depression. If she sees a psychiatrist with experience in dual-diagnosis (substance abuse and mental health issues), she might be able to be treated with medications that would alleviate the need to self-medicate.
  7. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Rape and drugs go hand-in-hand if the child has not dealt with her rape issues before the teen years. So is cutting. Sadly, I have talked to professionals specializing in this issue as my daughter was raped (and never told us for years) and she got into drugs. I would not take the drug use lightly either. I also found out, from my daughter herself AFTER she got clean, that kids parents usually never know how much their own children are into drugs. It is usually more rather than less. I think your daughter needs some serious, intensive counseling specifically for rape victims. There are some sexual assault groups that could help too. The rape issue in my opinion needs to be addressed above and beyond the other ones. These kids can act like they have serious psychiatric disorders when it is actually behaviors of shame and disgust at themselves due to the rape. But not all therapists are good with this issue. You need one who knows how to help rape victims. It isn't just talking about it.
    I sure wish you and your daughter lots of luck...
  8. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    Is she in therapy? If she is self-medicating, she should see someone who can combine therapy with medications (if needed) in a controlled setting.

    Any idea of where she is getting the rx's from?
  9. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    PLEASE do not cut off the communication with her. Read "The Explosive Child" for ideas on how to help your child. The strategies seem counter-intuitive, but they truly work for kids with all kinds of problems.

    I think as a consequence you should flush any/all drugs you find. Pot, prescriptions that are not hers, etc...

    You should make cooperating in INTENSIVE therapy with a psychiatrist for medications (she is self medicating and a psychiatrist can help with medications that are just for her to help with the problems) and with a therapist for the rape.

    contact your local Rape Crisis line for resources. The Domestic Violence center will probably be able to provide a lot of resources also. Even though the rape wasn't at home, they are still an excellent resource.

    If you are ever afraid she will hurt herself, take her to the ER for a psychiatric assessment, or call 911 for help transporting her.

    As for the condoms, I personally would be reassured. At 17, with a serious boyfriend, many girls would have an intimate relationship. With the rape in the mix, and with bipolar (which can have hypersexuality as a symptom), it is probably to be expected that she is having sex. Since you found condoms, you can be somewhat assured she is having "safe" sex.

    If it were my child I would make sure she knew she could talk to me about anything related to her sexual relationship if she had questions or problems. I would also let her know that I would BUY condoms for her if she felt too shy or couldn't afford them. I would also discuss birth control options with her and with a psychiatrist.

    Personally, I feel the drugs and rape are FAR bigger problems than the condoms. I know not everyone feels that way, and that is OK. What I stated is just my opinion. Please know that whatever you decide on the problems I will support you.

    I am osrry she is so hurt.
  10. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    About the whole thing - I would thank her for being honest. (If she wasn't being totally honest, it will make her feel bad. If she WAS - she deserves a pat on the back).

    As for the self-medicating - it's good tat she was thinking laterally and realised she needed help, but pot is not the answer, it can cause too many other problems further down the track. It is obvious that she has just admitted to needing help; so she shouldn't argue about getting the RIGHT help from legal drugs or therapy, rather than risking problems legal and health, using pot. Smoking ANYTHING is bad for your lungs. Smoking pot is ten times worse. Taking prescription pills is NOT bad for your lungs and is probably also better for your mental health. It's also cheaper, because she won't have to pay the local drug pushers for her medications.

    All this is, of course, calling her bluff if she is lying, and making her treatment more manageable is she is telling you the truth.

    As for the condoms - I'd be cheering. She's going to have sex, then it's good it's with a caring bloke who loves her and can make sure her experience is loving and positive (and to a certain extent under her control). This will do more to help her heal than anything else.

    We went through this with easy child - she was abused at the age of 5 and for years was terrified of sex and anything associated with growing up and sexuality. It took a very understanding BF1 to help her recovery here.

    I took my kids shopping for condoms - I made sure that they knew what to buy and how to buy them. I bought some, took them home and showed them where we keep them and invited them to help themselves. Not only did this ensure sexual responsibility, it also totally took the romance out of illicit teen sex. There's nothing like using condoms your mother bought at the supermarket, with you in tow with cheeks flaming, to put you off the idea of having sex at all for another few years...

  11. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    I "think" I hear your feelings coming through in your post. She can be (and usually is) a wonderful caring girl. She does not have a network of friends so you two are unusually close. Her boyfriend is extremely important to her as he is her lifeline to peer living. You are still reliving the trauma of her molestation and probaby a little bit of you feels guilty that it happened because IF you had been there or done something or other etc. your baby would not have had that terrible experience.

    Many of us have traveled that road when faced with pot use or the realization that booze is part of our childs world. You "almost" wish you had never "seen the proof" so you could ignore the problem and hope for the best. I KNOW that is how I felt...even though the circumstances were not the same as yours. I still wish "it would all go away".

    You have to take action. You have to choose which action suits your family and your daughter. Only you know which road "may" be best. My suggestions are based on experiences in my family. First I sat down and
    stated the truth about the drug use. "I DO understand that stress builds up and that it seems ok to chill smoking a blunt or popping a pill. I know your intentions are not evil. I also know that it is illegal and that some law enforcement agencies seek out people like you to use as an example
    for other young people. They can legally arrest you for possession. They
    can legally arrest you for possession with intent to distribute which is a felony charge that can prevent you from having a successful career and subsequently can even keep you from being allowed to volunteer at your child's school as a Room Mom or a Chaperone for field trips! They can take action against our family and make efforts to take away our home and sell it with the government getting the money and us being homeless.
    They can put pictures and writeups in the newspapers about you which will make it difficult for you in the community. Of course, they can also
    arrest you and take you to jail." "Do I believe all those things are going to happen to you? No, I don't think there is a very big chance of that BUT
    we are going to improve your odds. You and I are going to gather all this
    stuff together and get rid of it NOW.....than we won't have to worry about an unexpected knock at the door or boyfriend finding out or anyother horrible thing."

    Next, suggest that the two of you make an appointment today for a good
    qualified psychiatrist who can provide the help she needs legally. Remind her that you will be there for her 24/7 if she needs or wants company or support. Let her know that as a family you can get the help she needs now and you have confidence that as an adult she will be able to reach out and help others in the family if they are in crisis.

    I hope it works for you all. I really do. Hugs. DDD

    PS: My easy child/difficult child and I are still extremely close. He was not able to follow through. He was arrested as a teen and his picture was put on the front page of the newspaper which did ruin his reputation. He was later charged with possession & paraphenalia possession (a roach clip & stub).
    Subsequently his empty car had a few pills in the backseat. He was charged with a felony and although he never "sold" "stole" "hurt anyone" he is a Felon for life because of choices in his teens. It happens!
  12. prntofbpd1991

    prntofbpd1991 New Member

    thanks everyone for your advice-
    I had an intense talk to her about the drugs in which i feel i really got my point across, i did not yell at her, and tried to udnerstand her point of view, (to her, it really is no big deal..) She is on medications (concerta, abilify, resperidone, prozac) and i thought all was going well with them.. however she opened up for the first time that she feels "not right" all of a sudden, and has never liked our psychiatrist. As im sure you all know, when your difficult child tells you somehting "isnt right" it usually isnt a good sign. We traced back how long its been going on, and were bretty sure that it started around when we increased her abilify. We have an appointment with a new psychiatrist (i believe that liking her doctor is important) and we'll see what he has to say. After thinking about the condoms, i agreed that this was more a good sign than a bad sign, i am confident thaty the only person she is being intimate with is her boyfriend, and know that it is not just casual sex. I am also delighted that she has been abel to overcome her fear of sex. I casually mentioned that I found the condoms, and that I was not mad at her, but happy for her and proud she is being safe. She looked relieved. She asked me to go on the pill, I am unsure about this. My difficult child smokes cigarettes, (terrible, i know, but her father smokes 3 packs a day, she started 3 yrs ago, and she needs her vice..) and apparently you cna not take the pill if you smoke, anybody know anything about this?
  13. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    There's an increased risk of blood clots if you smoke while on the pill, but I don't remember if that applies to all ages or just if you're over 35.
  14. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    You appear to be "in sync" with your daughter which is great. I'm not sure now you addressed the drug issue but I am delighted that she was comfortable enough to say that she needs a new psychiatrist and wants to go on the pill. I am Mom to a number of "condom babies" (back in the day we had no choices) so the pill or an alternative sounds terrific. Hopefully your daughter, like mine, will go to the gynocologist with your support to explore those options.

    My fingers are crossed and I have said a prayer for you as you tread through the minefield. From my personal perspective...the drug issue is a major one. I hope to read an update on that soon.

    Good luck. DDD