It's been quite awhile since I've posted and life has moved on. CeCe (now 20) moved out and in with her BM, or sometimes her boyfriend, or sometimes others, since she has no interest in anything but following her impulses and no one can take it for long. Tink is coming along fine. Huck is the main challenge now.
He failed out of high school in May, turned 18 in June. In July, he was accepted to a county alternative school that he wanted to attend, which would allow him to recover courses (12) and graduate by March. It's a "school of choice," which means that they can ask him to leave if he doesn't follow their rules. A key one is not missing more than 3 classes in a 9-week term, and he's cut twice in 4 weeks. It's possible he's struggling and won't admit it. Equally possible that he's just staying up all night gaming and can't get up in time to catch the bus. I'm working from home now, but refusing to drive him to school - he has to take the city bus over an hour each way (although I did offer to drive him on each day he skipped). We're paying the fare.
Little husband or I do seems to have an impact. He responds only to promise of immediate reward, as in "we are going out to dinner and leaving in 15 minutes, you can come with only if you clean the kitchen from your assigned chore 3 days ago." He was astonished that I wouldn't drive him to a game when his ride bailed on him and pick him up at midnight after he ignored everything I requested one day last week (literally pretended I didn't exist). He lies, steals, and bullies (me, Tink) at home. At school, he is an angel. Also very charming at home if there's a benefit.
husband and I are ready to give him notice. We drafted the letter below and would like feedback or edits from those with been there done that. Also he thinks he's a really smart lawyer (as so many difficult children do), so precise language is a benefit. We intentionally didn't state a deadline (yet) because I saw online advice that suggested that give 30 or 60 days notice increased the chances that he'd be treated as a tenant and full Georgia tenant rights would kick in.
Please give us your comments ... sorry about the length
Dear Huck,
Recent events have concerned us enough that we need to clarify where we all stand.
We love you forever and you will always be a member of our family. As an adult family member, you need to understand that you are a guest in our house; we are the property owners. Guest is a legal status that is different from being a tenant or boarder.
As a guest, we have the right to require you to follow certain household rules. We also have the right to ask you to leave at any time. If you stay after we ask you to leave, you would be considered to be trespassing and we can request the police to remove you from the premises. We are required to give you notice to depart, however there are no applicable time limits and the notice does not have to be in writing. (Here is the definition of trespassing for reference: http://law.justia.com/codes/georgia/2010/title-16/chapter-7/article-2/part-1/16-7-21. This one puts it in simpler terms: http://bixonlaw.com/georgia-trespassing-101/.)
In order to continue to live here, we require you to do five (5) things. These are not reciprocal (meaning that it’s not a case of “I’ll do it if you do”). Our failure to enforce a requirement at any time does not invalidate the requirement. Other people’s failure to follow the same rules does not make a difference to the need for you to follow them. These items are not negotiable except as specifically noted.
1. Maintain full-time gainful activity outside the home. Gainful activity may be school or work. It may consist of going to school full-time (5 days/week at least 6 hours/day), working full time (40 hours/week), or a combination of the two equaling 40 hours per week.
2. Contribute to your own maintenance. According to the USDA it cost $70.70 per week to feed an 18-year-old male in July 2017 (without considering meals outside the home). Your mobile phone line is a minimum of $40/month. You can pay $80 cash weekly or substitute 10 hours of household help of our choosing. This is to cover costs we incur on your behalf and is not to be construed as a household contribution in lieu of rent.
3. Maintain your room and bathroom in good condition. Keep them clean, safe, and free from debris. Do laundry regularly and put it away. Ensure that the rooms do not smell bad.
4. Treat others with respect. Do not touch others without their permission. Respond when spoken to. Avoid cursing, name calling, or mocking behavior. We will not tolerate bullying, or attempts at bullying, in any form, nor attempts at coercion, including attempts to coerce another to strike first (e.g., “I dare you to hit me”).
5. Follow general household rules.
Huck, our goal is to live peaceably in our home and help you on the path to becoming a responsible adult with the skills and tools to care for yourself. In that order. If you are having problems and come to talk with us, we are here to help you resolve them as best we can, whether you are living with us or not, just as we do for all of our kids.
But while our love for you is unconditional, your ability to live at OUR ADDRESS is not. If you are unable to agree to these terms, you will need to find another place to live. As always, we will try to help.
Please reply by DATE.
Very truly yours,
He failed out of high school in May, turned 18 in June. In July, he was accepted to a county alternative school that he wanted to attend, which would allow him to recover courses (12) and graduate by March. It's a "school of choice," which means that they can ask him to leave if he doesn't follow their rules. A key one is not missing more than 3 classes in a 9-week term, and he's cut twice in 4 weeks. It's possible he's struggling and won't admit it. Equally possible that he's just staying up all night gaming and can't get up in time to catch the bus. I'm working from home now, but refusing to drive him to school - he has to take the city bus over an hour each way (although I did offer to drive him on each day he skipped). We're paying the fare.
Little husband or I do seems to have an impact. He responds only to promise of immediate reward, as in "we are going out to dinner and leaving in 15 minutes, you can come with only if you clean the kitchen from your assigned chore 3 days ago." He was astonished that I wouldn't drive him to a game when his ride bailed on him and pick him up at midnight after he ignored everything I requested one day last week (literally pretended I didn't exist). He lies, steals, and bullies (me, Tink) at home. At school, he is an angel. Also very charming at home if there's a benefit.
husband and I are ready to give him notice. We drafted the letter below and would like feedback or edits from those with been there done that. Also he thinks he's a really smart lawyer (as so many difficult children do), so precise language is a benefit. We intentionally didn't state a deadline (yet) because I saw online advice that suggested that give 30 or 60 days notice increased the chances that he'd be treated as a tenant and full Georgia tenant rights would kick in.
Please give us your comments ... sorry about the length
Dear Huck,
Recent events have concerned us enough that we need to clarify where we all stand.
We love you forever and you will always be a member of our family. As an adult family member, you need to understand that you are a guest in our house; we are the property owners. Guest is a legal status that is different from being a tenant or boarder.
As a guest, we have the right to require you to follow certain household rules. We also have the right to ask you to leave at any time. If you stay after we ask you to leave, you would be considered to be trespassing and we can request the police to remove you from the premises. We are required to give you notice to depart, however there are no applicable time limits and the notice does not have to be in writing. (Here is the definition of trespassing for reference: http://law.justia.com/codes/georgia/2010/title-16/chapter-7/article-2/part-1/16-7-21. This one puts it in simpler terms: http://bixonlaw.com/georgia-trespassing-101/.)
In order to continue to live here, we require you to do five (5) things. These are not reciprocal (meaning that it’s not a case of “I’ll do it if you do”). Our failure to enforce a requirement at any time does not invalidate the requirement. Other people’s failure to follow the same rules does not make a difference to the need for you to follow them. These items are not negotiable except as specifically noted.
1. Maintain full-time gainful activity outside the home. Gainful activity may be school or work. It may consist of going to school full-time (5 days/week at least 6 hours/day), working full time (40 hours/week), or a combination of the two equaling 40 hours per week.
- If you choose to attend school full time, but fail to attend as scheduled or are asked to leave, you will have 10 days to enroll in a new school and/or obtain a job (school + part-time job or full-time job).
- Acceptable alternatives include Georgia Youth Challenge (http://www.georgiayouthchallenge.org) or USA Job Corps (https://www.jobcorps.gov/) or other youth employment/education program that allows you to begin work/school before September 30, 2017.
- Work-at-home jobs and/or online education are not an acceptable substitute.
2. Contribute to your own maintenance. According to the USDA it cost $70.70 per week to feed an 18-year-old male in July 2017 (without considering meals outside the home). Your mobile phone line is a minimum of $40/month. You can pay $80 cash weekly or substitute 10 hours of household help of our choosing. This is to cover costs we incur on your behalf and is not to be construed as a household contribution in lieu of rent.
3. Maintain your room and bathroom in good condition. Keep them clean, safe, and free from debris. Do laundry regularly and put it away. Ensure that the rooms do not smell bad.
4. Treat others with respect. Do not touch others without their permission. Respond when spoken to. Avoid cursing, name calling, or mocking behavior. We will not tolerate bullying, or attempts at bullying, in any form, nor attempts at coercion, including attempts to coerce another to strike first (e.g., “I dare you to hit me”).
5. Follow general household rules.
- Respect others’ property. Don’t take things without asking. Return what you borrow. Don’t take more than your share of common items, including (not limited to) the television, wifi, and electronic devices. They are owned/paid by us and available for others’ use at our discretion. If asked to release a device for use by others or to use a different device, do so immediately. Avoid engaging in behavior that results in property damage or denial of use.
- Respect others’ space. Do not enter others’ rooms without being invited or when they are absent. Do not invade others’ personal space or physically impede access to rooms, items, etc.
- Clean up your own mess. Right away.
- Go to your room upon request.
- Respect the need for quiet time (10 PM – 7 AM)
- Prohibited items: Firearms, drugs not prescribed or OTC, fire of any sort in bedrooms (including candles)
Huck, our goal is to live peaceably in our home and help you on the path to becoming a responsible adult with the skills and tools to care for yourself. In that order. If you are having problems and come to talk with us, we are here to help you resolve them as best we can, whether you are living with us or not, just as we do for all of our kids.
But while our love for you is unconditional, your ability to live at OUR ADDRESS is not. If you are unable to agree to these terms, you will need to find another place to live. As always, we will try to help.
Please reply by DATE.
Very truly yours,
