Shocked and Amazed

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by susiestar, Sep 17, 2017.

  1. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    Jess came to me last night. She was having a hard time with something Wiz had told her about. He didn't tell her to upset her. He wanted her to know in case my mother (Gma) said something to her. He tries to make sure she is never blindsided by anything if he can help it.

    It seems Wiz and Gma were talking about some things in the past. Wiz commented that he was really awful especially to Jess when he was younger. He said he felt really awful about it. Gma told him he was just a big brother. Wiz said No, he was NOT. He was far worse than a big brother should ever be and she had no right to ever say it was "just" anything. That wasn't fair to Jess.

    Wiz was afraid that Gma would come and say something about how Jess was making Wiz feel bad or laying a guilt trip on him. My mother minimizes Wiz' behavior and always has. Except anything positive, that is always exaggerated. Even Tyler is not seen in as glowingly positive a light as Wiz. I actually think even my brother would come up short if compared to Wiz and until Wiz, my brother was always the shining star. No matter how mediocre his achievements.

    Jess and I had a long talk. She loves my mother, but does not respect the way she handles family issues. I cannot even say she should. I have to respect my daughter's viewpoint. She was given the short end of the stick many times from my mother, blamed so many times when even my son would tell her that he was the one to blame for whatever the problem was. It was really bothering Jess last night that her grandmother was just brushing off all of the assaults and attempts to murder her as "being a big brother". When even a teenage Wiz knew it was not normal, and in his clear-minded moments he wanted help, it is incredibly painful to have your grandmother just blow it off. Especially when it was so bad your parents had to move your brother out of the house to keep everyone alive and out of prison. Even the cops recognized our situation was that bad.

    I am so proud of Wiz. At one point he would have recognized that Gma was wrong but would not have been able to tell her so. To be able to tell her that she is wrong about him? That is such a huge step!!! He has grown and changed so much. There is only one thing I would change about him now, one thing I wish he would work on. I want him to forgive himself. I don't know if he will, but I hope and pray he can. He gets so depressed and then so angry with himself. I have told him that the one thing he can do to make up for what he did to his sister is to never ever take his own life. No matter how bad things get, to never ever inflict the pain his suicide would bring onto her. I don't think he had thought of that before, and it may be the one thing that stops him.

    I am again shocked by my mother's ability to gloss over reality even though this hurts her granddaughter. I am so proud of my son. He not only recognizes his past mistakes, he has worked to correct them and he is now standing up to his grandmother, probably the person he loves most in the world. And he stood up to Gma for his sister!!! WOW!!! Ten years ago if you had told me I would write this post, I would have immediately had you checked into a psychiatric hospital because you clearly were having hallucinations!!!
     
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  2. pigless in VA

    pigless in VA Well-Known Member

    Sometimes people of the past generation believe that if they speak differently about a situation, then it happened the way they are telling you. I prefer to deal with realities, and that doesn't always go over well.

    I am very proud of Wiz for acknowledging his past behaviors and attempting to set Gma straight. That shows a great deal of maturity.
     
  3. Crayola13

    Crayola13 Active Member

    It sounds like your mom has a habit of picking out who the golden child is. You mentioned she had treated your brother like that in the past. I have students who are always treated like the least favorite by their parents, even though they accomplish more than their siblings.
     
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  4. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    Oh, the oldest boy is always the golden child. My brother was well on the road to jail but he was the golden child anyway. Heck, he was on the way to a lengthy prison sentence at one point, but got a deal with rehab instead. It was all my fault for not telling my folks he had a drinking problem. Gee, I had been telling them since he was 12. They grounded me for tattling, or for lying, or any other excuse they could brush it off as. Even when the cops brought him home drunk at 16 and I told them, "see, I wasn't making it up", they got mad at me. I was well behaved and changed any wrong behavior if they got upset with me. It was easier to be upset with me than with him. He ignored them or yelled back. So they had screaming fights and then ignored the bad behavior.

    Then they bought a property so he would have a place to live with low rent where he couldn't be kicked out. They knew my husband and I would always pay our rent, so they never bothered to help us find a place. We won't be homeless. They had a fit when grad school took 3 months longer than my husband expected due to a class being cancelled though my husband could not have controlled it in any way. My brother has been in grad school for almost 7 years now. (My folks paid for both, though we did not ask for it, I did just learn it was a request of my grandmother's will.) Hubby was in school for 2 years, 3 months. And that last 3 months was apparently a huge thing to ask. But the 7 years my parents have supported my brother is not.

    So yes, my brother is the great golden child. So is my oldest son. They offered to raise him for me many times after he was born. For many reasons. We moved him to their house only because he became to dangerous to keep at our home. I would not have given up my child for any other reason. They thought I was exaggerating, he couldn't be that bad. Susie always over dramatizes things. They called me 6 weeks later with a HUGE apology. They could not believe how bad things were. They had seen him be violent and had gotten back in his face when he thought he could get in theirs.