Should I be afraid

When my husband died tragically, our close knit family lost seemingly everything (according to our children). My second daughter lost her mind due to drugs and I am raising her 4 daughters. Other and many tragedies have happened in my life due to family members and also in the business world- because I have continued our family business and have employed my children (along with others). I am vulnerable in my business because of the physical nature of it, and I have needed my son to continue with me. He has always worked in the business and he even worked for his dad as a teen. After the death that he tragically witnessed, my son plunged into the dark world of drugs. I have stayed with him in encouragement and help and he has given me reason to continually fear that he may not make it one day. Up until recently, he has maintained a helpful and apologetic attitude at work (when he shows up), and I usually have been relieved to see him because I needed him (and I have had a paralyzing fear that he is dead) The sympathy and love I have for him has been crippling for me throughout the years.
Then ... there seemed to be a turn of events. My son started changing his thought processes and becoming beligerant and scary, even to the kids. He has been so accusing and mean that I am not sure if he will hurt someone. He has attacked me verbally to the extreme (via email) and shown hate on a level I have not seen before. I had to let him go from work because he wasn't able to function with his new life theories and seemed to pick on the women and kids in the family (at the business). He was calling them terrible names and cussing them out. He has not worked for two months and has run out of money a long time ago and his roommate has no more patience and "hates him". He only communicates with me now via email, because he has lost all other forms of communication. This is so out of character even for him. He seems to be mentally ill or something, and is lost on all kinds of theories. He has begun to burn all bridges in the family and his friends too. He has taken his new "discoveries" to extreme. I have told him he needs to detox because I think he is delusional. These conversations never go well. Now I am afraid he will show up to work because he says I need to "retire". I am afraid he may want to hurt someone because he thinks everyone is laughing at him and his discoveries, even His nieces and nephews. He says everyone has turned on him now that he is clean and accuse him of being "crazy" or "on Meth".
I wonder what is going to happen, or how this will turn out. My sadness, depression and anxiety is at levels I have never seen even with my very difficult life. I feel hopeless.
 

Acacia

Well-Known Member
I am so sorry that you find yourself in such a difficult situation. It's hard to imagine a family member being the one who hurts us. I can so relate to what you are going through because I have a 36 year old son who is verbally abusive and sees himself as the victim even though he is the one who is toxic. Like your son, my son lost his dad when he was young. Some circumstances are different, but the anxiety, uncertainty, and fear are the same.

No one deserves to be treated badly. I have come to realize I am a domestic violence victim, and it seems especially difficult when it's by an adult child rather than a relationship I can walk away from. Right now I am in a crisis with him, and I feel afraid and hopeless. I tried to help him, but no good deed goes unpunished.

There are wonderful, wise, and often hurting parents on this site who will give you much appreciated support.
One tip. Try to break your posts into smaller chunks, which are visually easier to digest.
Prayers and love.
 

Crayola13

Well-Known Member
You could have a meeting with the family and your employees explaining the situation, even though it seems they already know. Just make them aware that he is unstable and unpredictable. You might want to change the locks, too.
 
It's a good idea. Thank you
I will admit I am so afraid to publicize my issue and pain, while everyone hostile toward him because of his recent abuse. And while doing so alienating him further. But I will try to do this.... I wish so bad that his dad were here.
 
I am so sorry that you find yourself in such a difficult situation. It's hard to imagine a family member being the one who hurts us. I can so relate to what you are going through because I have a 36 year old son who is verbally abusive and sees himself as the victim even though he is the one who is toxic. Like your son, my son lost his dad when he was young. Some circumstances are different, but the anxiety, uncertainty, and fear are the same.

No one deserves to be treated badly. I have come to realize I am a domestic violence victim, and it seems especially difficult when it's by an adult child rather than a relationship I can walk away from. Right now I am in a crisis with him, and I feel afraid and hopeless. I tried to help him, but no good deed goes unpunished.

There are wonderful, wise, and often hurting parents on this site who will give you much appreciated support.
One tip. Try to break your posts into smaller chunks, which are visually easier to digest.
Prayers and love.
Thank you so much for your empathy. It brings tears to my eyes because I have suffered alone. I felt if I didn't get it out of me I would explode. I was worried about the length but felt better for dumping. Thank you again. And I understand well..."no good deed goes unpunished"
 

momshope

New Member
My heart goes out to you. 30 years ago, I had to file an order of protection against my youngest brother who was physically and verbally abusive to my mom, who had breast cancer, and my Dad, a cardiac patient in a wheelchair. Bro was an abusive alcoholic who stabbed my Dad in the hand with a fork (Dad ate too sloppily) and threw Mom against the wall after losing her car in a DUI. I saved his life but it broke my heart. Guess what? 25 years later, and I am helping my sister move out as she took him in as her husband lay dying of cancer. My brother was hitting her. Order granted, she is moving and he is barred from any contact with her.

She can breathe, she can grieve her husband and sleep at night without fear. You deserve peace of mind. My gentle suggestions for what worked for us are as follows, and not for everyone. But this isn't my first time at the rodeo.

Take back the control. Let him know you love him, and can support his positive behavior. But one more threatening email will become a police report. Document everything to prevent escalation, if you can. Never threaten. Promise. But let him know if he does x, y will happen. If he continues to escalate, you will cut off contact with him. You do not want to, but you absolutely freakin will.

My brother had seven reports against him before the OOP (order of Protection) was enacted. It is good to show a history of behavior to the court. Yes, we worry about him, but he was made to go into a treatment program, if he does not comply he will go to jail.That is the court, not us.

He is over 50 years old now, we can't blame ourselves or suffer a miserable life because of HIS choices.

I prayed every single morning for my family and for peace. It gave me strength and solace to know that as strong as we are in our love for our kids, we have to be our own advocates. How can they do so if we do not show them the way? What good is the love if we can't live a peaceful life or pursue happiness and support for those who do truly love us.

The last text I had with my brother was one of a wellness check, as he had disappeared. He quickly became abusive, telling me how he would "take be to school" to teach me properly about how my sister deserved his behavior. She kept a roof over his head for two years with NO rent, cared for her dying husband and cooked, cleaned, did laundry for brother free of charge.

Rather than become defensive I calmly said that I did not think his energy should be wasted on schooling anyone. I said, "I love you, always will and pray that energy is focused on yourself, to pursue a good life that you deserve. We are pursuing ours, which includes an abusive free environment."

There IS a light for you, but please keep the faith. This sight has been a Godsend of peace, support and energy!!! Hugs to you:) I will pray like heck for ya!
 

Simion

New Member
When my husband died tragically, our close knit family lost seemingly everything (according to our children). My second daughter lost her mind due to drugs and I am raising her 4 daughters. Other and many tragedies have happened in my life due to family members and also in the business world- because I have continued our family business and have employed my children (along with others). I am vulnerable in my business because of the physical nature of it, and I have needed my son to continue with me. He has always worked in the business and he even worked for his dad as a teen. After the death that he tragically witnessed, my son plunged into the dark world of drugs. I have stayed with him in encouragement and help and he has given me reason to continually fear that he may not make it one day. Up until recently, he has maintained a helpful and apologetic attitude at work (when he shows up), and I usually have been relieved to see him because I needed him (and I have had a paralyzing fear that he is dead) The sympathy and love I have for him has been crippling for me throughout the years.
Then ... there seemed to be a turn of events. My son started changing his thought processes and becoming beligerant and scary, even to the kids. He has been so accusing and mean that I am not sure if he will hurt someone. He has attacked me verbally to the extreme (via email) and shown hate on a level I have not seen before. I had to let him go from work because he wasn't able to function with his new life theories and seemed to pick on the women and kids in the family (at the business). He was calling them terrible names and cussing them out. He has not worked for two months and has run out of money a long time ago and his roommate has no more patience and "hates him". He only communicates with me now via email, because he has lost all other forms of communication. This is so out of character even for him. He seems to be mentally ill or something, and is lost on all kinds of theories. He has begun to burn all bridges in the family and his friends too. He has taken his new "discoveries" to extreme. I have told him he needs to detox because I think he is delusional. These conversations never go well. Now I am afraid he will show up to work because he says I need to "retire". I am afraid he may want to hurt someone because he thinks everyone is laughing at him and his discoveries, even His nieces and nephews. He says everyone has turned on him now that he is clean and accuse him of being "crazy" or "on Meth".
I wonder what is going to happen, or how this will turn out. My sadness, depression and anxiety is at levels I have never seen even with my very difficult life. I feel hopeless.
My heart goes out to you. Having a child with a drug addiction and one with serious mental health problems I found myself depressed and anxious often. Sadness was a constant. And all of these feelings are “ very normal “ given situations such as these. What loving mother wouldn’t feel that way. For me I had to learn to love myself first & seek help for me. I chose to work with a therapist who’s specialty was trauma & dysfunctional families. For myself there were a lot of complicated dynamics. I was committed to doing the work to becoming the healthiest version of me & then I could deal with my children in a more constructive, healthy manner. I also joined a Domestic Violence group Which has been an amazing support. The combination of therapy & group has help me to learn & grow, to understand how to be a parent to impaired children who are abusive. The healthier I became the less willing I was & still am to accepting unacceptable behaviors in my children. The focus became about me, setting safe boundaries, taking whatever measures it took to maintain my safety. It’s a journey and many days we’re still filled with sadness & despair. But there were also victories along the way. My daughter who was a heroin addict is clean 4 years & works with HIV positive addicts. She calls me all the time to say “ thank you for not tolerating any crap for setting & sticking to your boundaries.” My younger child is still a heartbreaker but I do the same with her. There are times with her that I’m at the end of the road. Time to regroup & begin again.
 

Nandina

Member
But there were also victories along the way. My daughter who was a heroin addict is clean 4 years & works with HIV positive addicts. She calls me all the time to say “ thank you for not tolerating any crap for setting & sticking to your boundaries.

Wow, Simion—are those words not music to a mother’s ears?

I had a similar experience with my daughter, not the child who brings me here, but who was quite difficult to raise and was once diagnosed with ODD. She never got into drugs but had other issues with disrespect and (verbally) abusive behavior in the home, although idyllic behavior in school.

After my daughter and I got on good terms as she matured, and in her 20s she was working with rebellious and ODD-type young teen girls in a group home. She called me one day and said something like “OMG Mom! Now I know what I put you through!!” She disliked the job, burned out quickly and quit within a couple years.

Sometimes a taste of one’s own medicine is the best lesson. I realize most of us who find our way to this board have children even resistant to that. But it helps to hear those positive stories and victories like you mentioned, so thank you.

I know your daughter had to work very hard to get to where she is in her sobriety. And obviously, now with your younger daughter, you have surely been down this road before and I feel for you. Bless you and I hope you’ll continue to post.
 

Nandina

Member
16 Years and Counting, I think you should protect yourself from your son when he is in the phase where he is abusive, seems to be in psychosis, etc.

I’m not sure if your son’s behavior is caused by drugs like meth or mental illness in general because they are similar, but I do know how meth can change a person and it is scary. My usually gentle son became very angry, threatening and violent while under its influence, even days later. It was a definite personality change and he was not that way before meth. He had a psychotic break, eventually, and seems to be in a more stable state now.

Please, just don’t put up with abuse. You deserve better. Many hugs
 

Simion

New Member
Nandina
Thank you encouraging kind response. Could so relate. Chaotic dysfunctional families have all types of personalities & issues to go along with them. I have a third daughter who was much like yours ODD & PTSD. As a teenager she was a nightmare. The pain she held inside came out in the most emotionally & verbal abusive ways. I drew the boundaries I needed to be safe. I understood she was hurting however she had to be in therapy working on that not being abusive to her family members.
She too has changed into an amazing young woman. She moved out at 20, has made a successful career for herself, owns her own home, travels. She is living the life I have always dreamed for her. Last year she got married & it was one of the most beautiful experiences in my life. And she too will call me & thank me for being an amazing Mom, for teaching her & her sisters how to be loving, kind human beings. She will always tell me that my leading by example never giving up on my personal journey to wellness is what inspired her.
One never knows where the journey will take us.
 

Simion

New Member
16 years and counting Don’t give up. Find the help and support you need for you. Living / having a child who is mentally unstable and abusive can have dire consequences. I learned through DV group what resources where available to me. How important it was to document everything. Keep a note book. Then if & when you have to go to court to obtain a restraining order or try to commit your child you have the information you need. I wish you all the best.
 

LoveTempered

New Member
Now I am afraid he will show up to work because he says I need to "retire". I am afraid he may want to hurt someone because he thinks everyone is laughing at him and his discoveries, even His nieces and nephews. He says everyone has turned on him now that he is clean and accuse him of being "crazy" or "on Meth".
Hi 16yrs. I am so sorry for all the pain you are experiencing. You have already received more wisdom from the folks here than I have to offer. I can only say that I relate to what you say here because I have also been afraid for what my son might do to others. If he is 18+ then HE is responsible for his actions not you. I have to keep telling myself that so I don't take on what is not mine.

We love, nurture and protect our children never imagining feeling that we may need to protect others from THEM. The kids are no longer shaking the chain bridge on the playground so you do not need to run to the rescue. The idea of a meeting or a written communication with those who may be impacted sounds like a good way to warn people of the hurricane possibly coming but not taking on the responsibility of it. Other than what you may need to do as an employer keeping the workplace safe, do only what gives you peace.

Perhaps you can spend some energy taking care of yourself. Sounds like a lot of loss has come your way. It is not selfish to focus your energy on recovering. I only have three kids and I struggled meeting all the demands. You are caring for four and running a family business. My bones are creaking just thinking of your to do list!

Of course at my most exhausted, I would bristle when people suggested I take care of myself because I honestly had no idea how to do that. My body rebelled and I started getting migraines and had a full on exhaustion collapse. This episode forced me to learn that I had to give myself permission to NOT take care of everything or fix everything. I didn't believe anyone could fill in for me until my body went on strike and I was down for two weeks. Others could and did step in. I guess we all have to find our own way but just know that you deserve a break and the chance to hold back some of your energy for yourself. Ironically, it is the most caring thing you can do for the people you love.

Love and care to you!
 

Nomad

Well-Known Member
Staff member
Moms hope…You are wise. And very kind to share your powerful story. Thank you. Thank you to all who shared. We must protect ourselves , be strong and move forward. Blessings.
 
My heart goes out to you. 30 years ago, I had to file an order of protection against my youngest brother who was physically and verbally abusive to my mom, who had breast cancer, and my Dad, a cardiac patient in a wheelchair. Bro was an abusive alcoholic who stabbed my Dad in the hand with a fork (Dad ate too sloppily) and threw Mom against the wall after losing her car in a DUI. I saved his life but it broke my heart. Guess what? 25 years later, and I am helping my sister move out as she took him in as her husband lay dying of cancer. My brother was hitting her. Order granted, she is moving and he is barred from any contact with her.

She can breathe, she can grieve her husband and sleep at night without fear. You deserve peace of mind. My gentle suggestions for what worked for us are as follows, and not for everyone. But this isn't my first time at the rodeo.

Take back the control. Let him know you love him, and can support his positive behavior. But one more threatening email will become a police report. Document everything to prevent escalation, if you can. Never threaten. Promise. But let him know if he does x, y will happen. If he continues to escalate, you will cut off contact with him. You do not want to, but you absolutely freakin will.

My brother had seven reports against him before the OOP (order of Protection) was enacted. It is good to show a history of behavior to the court. Yes, we worry about him, but he was made to go into a treatment program, if he does not comply he will go to jail.That is the court, not us.

He is over 50 years old now, we can't blame ourselves or suffer a miserable life because of HIS choices.

I prayed every single morning for my family and for peace. It gave me strength and solace to know that as strong as we are in our love for our kids, we have to be our own advocates. How can they do so if we do not show them the way? What good is the love if we can't live a peaceful life or pursue happiness and support for those who do truly love us.

The last text I had with my brother was one of a wellness check, as he had disappeared. He quickly became abusive, telling me how he would "take be to school" to teach me properly about how my sister deserved his behavior. She kept a roof over his head for two years with NO rent, cared for her dying husband and cooked, cleaned, did laundry for brother free of charge.

Rather than become defensive I calmly said that I did not think his energy should be wasted on schooling anyone. I said, "I love you, always will and pray that energy is focused on yourself, to pursue a good life that you deserve. We are pursuing ours, which includes an abusive free environment."

There IS a light for you, but please keep the faith. This sight has been a Godsend of peace, support and energy!!! Hugs to you:) I will pray like heck for ya!
My heart is so broken I feel like I might have a heart attack. I haven't had time to get used to this since he had only been treating me this way for a couple of months. I am doing what you said. I know it is the right thing. Here is what he said to me in mother's day and how i replied. He is 34 yo:

You arent a mother it seems, you decided to leave your kids out, Disgusting
Seriously, you're a piece of :censored2:.
Figure out the company since your DEAD to us anyways, YOU DONT DESERVE THE NAME MALONE OR TO BE ATTACHED TO ANYTHING RELATED SINCE YOUVE CUT YOUR FAMILY OFF , YOURE A SHITTY VALENTINE NOW
STOP STEALING FROM YOUR KIDS, Go drive your mercedes off a cliff, living the high life, OF :censored2:
QUIT MILKING OFF THE MALONE TEET AND GO
GO!!!!!!!!!!!
I am getting the heart I am giving you engraved,
Just consider it an early memorial for what we once had that you gave up. With a smile. Disgusting.
DISGUSTING
DAYS WORTH OF CORRESPONDENCE AND NOTHING BACK. NASTY,
Spending all my money on a stupid memorial
your our memory, and no respect or talk back from you, I will just keep it, thAt way I have a memory of you.
The living mother that decided to be DEAD to her family and living to her new family. I guess I am not suprised, its widespread in Christianity to allow broken homes and families. Just doing what Jesus Told you I guess, hahahahahaha
I cant Wait
Until someone asks me about memorial, so I can tell them, Oh she isnt actually dead, she just chose to be dead to me.
I can tell them
Yeah she died with my dad back in 2006, I know right? It is sadJesus Told you I guess, hahahahahaha
I cant Wait
Until someone asks me about memorial, so I can tell them, Oh she isnt actually dead, she just chose to be dead to me.
I can tell them
Yeah she died with my dad back in 2006, I know right? It is sad
Got a 14 year old corpse walking around here!
WIll you be at Malone's Coffee Service tomorrow?

Don't show up around me.
This is the last straw.
I will not talk to you again without a mediator. And that is only if you want any communication with me.
This is your warning.
Tomorrow I will make contacts to find out what I need to do next because of this hideous harassment. What you have said to me in secret will come to light
 
Hi 16yrs. I am so sorry for all the pain you are experiencing. You have already received more wisdom from the folks here than I have to offer. I can only say that I relate to what you say here because I have also been afraid for what my son might do to others. If he is 18+ then HE is responsible for his actions not you. I have to keep telling myself that so I don't take on what is not mine.

We love, nurture and protect our children never imagining feeling that we may need to protect others from THEM. The kids are no longer shaking the chain bridge on the playground so you do not need to run to the rescue. The idea of a meeting or a written communication with those who may be impacted sounds like a good way to warn people of the hurricane possibly coming but not taking on the responsibility of it. Other than what you may need to do as an employer keeping the workplace safe, do only what gives you peace.

Perhaps you can spend some energy taking care of yourself. Sounds like a lot of loss has come your way. It is not selfish to focus your energy on recovering. I only have three kids and I struggled meeting all the demands. You are caring for four and running a family business. My bones are creaking just thinking of your to do list!

Of course at my most exhausted, I would bristle when people suggested I take care of myself because I honestly had no idea how to do that. My body rebelled and I started getting migraines and had a full on exhaustion collapse. This episode forced me to learn that I had to give myself permission to NOT take care of everything or fix everything. I didn't believe anyone could fill in for me until my body went on strike and I was down for two weeks. Others could and did step in. I guess we all have to find our own way but just know that you deserve a break and the chance to hold back some of your energy for yourself. Ironically, it is the most caring thing you can do for the people you love.

Love and care to you!
Thank you for your encouragement. It helps me to face up to this knowing others have also suffered in this way. I have felt so scared and alone. Thank you
 
16 years and counting Don’t give up. Find the help and support you need for you. Living / having a child who is mentally unstable and abusive can have dire consequences. I learned through DV group what resources where available to me. How important it was to document everything. Keep a note book. Then if & when you have to go to court to obtain a restraining order or try to commit your child you have the information you need. I wish you all the best.
DV group? I am not sure where to find help
 
Nandina
Thank you encouraging kind response. Could so relate. Chaotic dysfunctional families have all types of personalities & issues to go along with them. I have a third daughter who was much like yours ODD & PTSD. As a teenager she was a nightmare. The pain she held inside came out in the most emotionally & verbal abusive ways. I drew the boundaries I needed to be safe. I understood she was hurting however she had to be in therapy working on that not being abusive to her family members.
She too has changed into an amazing young woman. She moved out at 20, has made a successful career for herself, owns her own home, travels. She is living the life I have always dreamed for her. Last year she got married & it was one of the most beautiful experiences in my life. And she too will call me & thank me for being an amazing Mom, for teaching her & her sisters how to be loving, kind human beings. She will always tell me that my leading by example never giving up on my personal journey to wellness is what inspired her.
One never knows where the journey will take us.
I love that story. I hope....
 
16 Years and Counting, I think you should protect yourself from your son when he is in the phase where he is abusive, seems to be in psychosis, etc.

I’m not sure if your son’s behavior is caused by drugs like meth or mental illness in general because they are similar, but I do know how meth can change a person and it is scary. My usually gentle son became very angry, threatening and violent while under its influence, even days later. It was a definite personality change and he was not that way before meth. He had a psychotic break, eventually, and seems to be in a more stable state now.

Please, just don’t put up with abuse. You deserve better. Many hugs
You are so right. My son is the same. Usually so gentle. I didn't know he was capable of such thoughts and actions. It is breaking my heart. Thank you so much
 
My heart goes out to you. Having a child with a drug addiction and one with serious mental health problems I found myself depressed and anxious often. Sadness was a constant. And all of these feelings are “ very normal “ given situations such as these. What loving mother wouldn’t feel that way. For me I had to learn to love myself first & seek help for me. I chose to work with a therapist who’s specialty was trauma & dysfunctional families. For myself there were a lot of complicated dynamics. I was committed to doing the work to becoming the healthiest version of me & then I could deal with my children in a more constructive, healthy manner. I also joined a Domestic Violence group Which has been an amazing support. The combination of therapy & group has help me to learn & grow, to understand how to be a parent to impaired children who are abusive. The healthier I became the less willing I was & still am to accepting unacceptable behaviors in my children. The focus became about me, setting safe boundaries, taking whatever measures it took to maintain my safety. It’s a journey and many days we’re still filled with sadness & despair. But there were also victories along the way. My daughter who was a heroin addict is clean 4 years & works with HIV positive addicts. She calls me all the time to say “ thank you for not tolerating any crap for setting & sticking to your boundaries.” My younger child is still a heartbreaker but I do the same with her. There are times with her that I’m at the end of the road. Time to regroup & begin again.
Thank you for reiterating the point of getting help for myself and being so encouraging while facing tremendous difficulties. I am going to try again tomorrow to find someone who can help me. I'm not really sure how to do it. I have been keeping the verbal abuse a secret but time to bring it to light. I officially warned my son tonight after he sent very vicious words to me for mother's day. My heart is broken
 
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