So confused

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by okie girl, Oct 15, 2014.

  1. okie girl

    okie girl Active Member

    My difficult child was sentenced today. He has been in the county jail for two and a half months. I have been married to my husband for 5 years. My difficult child has stolen from him and threatened him before. My difficult child,s dad is deceased. My husband does not have any children and has served in the marines, so he is rather strict. My difficult child was arrested for spousal abuse and drugs. My difficult child will be out on probation in three and a half months. He will be on 5 years probation, he has to go to counseling for 52 weeks and will have random drug tests. When he is released, he has no money and no place to go. I have his clothes and his Harley. My husband says he will not allow him in our home and if I can't deal with this we can go our separate ways. My husband is really good to me and my grandchildren. I also have a daughter who is very supportive. My husband has been very generous with both my son and daughter but says he feels like he has been used. I feel like I am going to be forced to choose between my husband and my difficult child when he is released from jail. I am 63 and retired. My difficult child is 42. Does anyone have any advise for me. I am so upset.
  2. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    At age 42, I would listen to your husband. Everything he has done is his own doing and he is way past the age where it can be excused for stealing and domestic abuse. You are truly crazy if you give up your husband and the good people in your family for this middle aged man who won't follow societal norms. So my advise would be to never ever allow him to live back with you. Do you want him to live with you, with everyone else running for the hills, when he is 60 and you are 80? I think you should enjoy the rest of your life and let this 42 year old man who is your son figure out the rest of his life on his own. I'm sure you've done enough and it hasn't worked.

    You have many blessings with your kind husband, daughter and grandchildren. If it were me, I'd tell him he is too old to be living with you and he will have to figure his life out on his own. Then have a great life!!!!

    Hugs for your hurting heart :) but you truly do have many blessings. Don't disrupt that which is so precious to you...your hub, your daughter and the grandkids.

    P.S.--your husband isn't strict; he is kindhearted and regarding difficult child rational. Appreciate him.
  3. Kathy813

    Kathy813 Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Hello, Okie, and welcome to the CD board. I hope this doesn't come across as too harsh but I can't believe you would even consider leaving your husband who you describe as being really good to you and your grandchildren in order to take in a 42-year-old difficult child.

    Your son is a grown man who needs to live with his choices without being rescued by you. He can always sell his Harley for money to live on until he finds a job and a place to live.

    It is time for you and your husband to enjoy your lives.

  4. okie girl

    okie girl Active Member

    Thank you Kathy813 for your response. I think I am really emotional today. I love my husband very much. I find it really hard to not rescue my difficult child. Hopefully things will be more clear tomorrow. I have an appointment with my counselor the 28th. Maybe he can help me to find a way to detach. Thanks again.
  5. Childofmine

    Childofmine one day at a time

    Okie, welcome. I lived in Tulsa for 13 years fyi so glad to meet you.

    I hope you have read a lot on this board. If not please read and read. It will help you right now.

    We basically have to shift our thinking. We love our adult difficult children so much but once they are grown we have to shift our own thinking from "mommy" to "mother." We are not their mommy anymore and they have to learn to take care of themselves. Our mommy job is done.

    That doesn't mean we have to cut them out of our lives when they act up. It does mean we have to create boundaries and distance and space. We cannot solve their problems for them. They have to learn to solve their own problems and it is very hard to watch and stand by but that is exactly what we have to do for two reasons. One---so they can become an adult. And two---so we can let go and live our own lives. When you find yourself doing and planning and talking about things you want to do for him that he should be doing for himself, you have crossed a boundary and nothing good will come from it.

    How to do this? It takes a lot of time, hard work, personal growth and patience---all things you will have to work on. You will stumble and that is okay. I'm glad you have a therapy appointment---therapy is a great tool in stopping enabling.

    Another key learning---your home needs to be your sanctuary. As much as I have wanted to offer my son a night or two or three in my home, I have not. He has asked and I have said no. That is very hard and it costs me a great deal to say no but it is necessary for him and for me.

    My son is 25 and has been homeless in the town where I live since June 26. There are many services for homeless people and I encourage you to find out about those in your town. Knowing will make you feel better and if you choose, you can share those resources with him.

    I am seeing progress right now in my son. He has been in jail multiple times for drug charges and has been homeless five different times. This one is the longest. He is now working full time and has been for at least two months. This is the first job he has had in 16 months.

    People do what they want to do. People "get it" when they get it. there is nothing we can do to speed it up. We have to learn how to live with watching somebody make bad mistakes in their lives over and over and over again and just...let it happen. Adults have a right to live their own lives, make mistakes and take the consequences. We can love him but we have to let them go. We just have to because the alternative does not work.

    I know how hard it is. Try hard not to react out of your emotional state. Feel your feelings but try not to act on them and I also know how hard that is.

    You have to change your thinking about your son, starting now. For you. And for him. Letting him go is loving him.

    Keep posting. We are here for you. We get it and we care.
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  6. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Welcome Okie and I am sorry you are so torn. I agree with Kathy but I also understand a mom's heart. Is there a compromise you can agree on? Can you help find him a temporary place to live until he finds a job and is back on his feet? Childofmine also has a good perspective from someone who is walking in your shoes.
  7. okie girl

    okie girl Active Member

    Thank you for your wise words childofmine. I really needed a reality check. You have given me some great advise and I appreciate it so much. It just helps to know I am not in the boat alone. I will work on detaching which I know I need to do.
  8. Kathy813

    Kathy813 Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I'm sorry if I replied too strongly. My husband and I are dealing with a 29-year-old difficult child that wants us to support her forever and is an expert in manipulation. We are seeing a therapist to helps us set boundaries to stop letting our difficult child manipulate us into enabling her. I know that our therapist would say that a 42-year-old man should be expected to take care of himself and that it is time for you to take care of yourself and your retirement.

    However, I do know how hard that is to do. I suggest that you definitely find a support group or a therapist to help you become strong enough to set those boundaries. If you don't, you will be taking care of your adult son for the rest of your life and very possibly lose your husband in the process.


  9. okie girl

    okie girl Active Member

    Thank you Kathy for your reply. My difficult child is an expert on manipulating me. I just have a hard time saying no to him but I know I have to be strong and set boundaries
  10. okie girl

    okie girl Active Member

    Thanks Nancy for your response. I have a couple of months before I have to face my difficult child. I will continue with my counselor and with his advise and the wonderful people on this forum I feel I can start detaching.
  11. okie girl

    okie girl Active Member

    Thanks for your reply MidwestMom. I am very blessed. My husband is a good man and I know I am very blessed to have him. I keep turning over my difficult child to God and then I will take it back. I need to be strong and I do feel better today. Thanks to all who have taken the time to reply. This is truly a great forum.