So,husband & I rec'd this phone call...

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by timer lady, Mar 10, 2008.

  1. timer lady

    timer lady Queen of Hearts

    last night. Caller ID says it's the group home & I pick up expecting to hear wm's smiling voice on the other end.

    Wrong! Wrong ! Wrong! :slap::itching::crazy2:

    wm had been caught stealing out of each of his foster brother's rooms & worst of all out of foster mum & dad's room. A confession was "beaten" out of him & he admitted that he had indeed taken each of the missing items (some very high priced items), but couldn't remember where he put them.

    And then, my son, the joy of my life, goes on the defensive! How dare they call him a thief! I don't steal! See, I don't even have the stuff (I hope he doesn't know how to fence things already :highvoltage:).

    His thinking, his reactions are so skewed - he knows he's been caught & instead of asking for apologies & help finding all the stuff he's stolen then hidden he goes on the attack. :angrydude:

    wm then ran - left the house & ran. No one could find him (I'm not sure how much effort his foster brothers put into it). Foster mum after 2 hours called in the county sheriff. Took another 2 hours to find wm - hanging out outside a local SuperAmerica. Didn't have money, didn't know where to go. He'really a baby - 5 to 7 years of age in many areas. AND most 5 to 7 y/o's don't steal & run. Geez!

    When foster mum called she was more amused than angry - got over her mad though wm didn't know it & won't know it. wm was in the shower getting warm. Foster mum told me that what wm doesn't know or understand just yet is that he has 2 of the best things going for him - me & her. We will mother that child if it kills him. I started laughing & couldn't stop, because then I started crying. - husband had to pick up the phone.

    wm doesn't get it - makes me sadder than you can imagine.

    It will be interesting to see where foster mum goes with consequences on this one. I back her 100% as she does me so we are a good team. wm will call expecting me to rescue him from evil "foster mum" & I don't.

    Thought I'd share the wm saga with you - I'll post an update as soon as I get one. I was warned that this will be all my fault; it's because I'm sick & the stress is too much for him.
  2. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Oh Linda,
    I'm so sorry. I'm glad you and foster mum are such a good team together. Do not let him guilt you into thinking this is somehow your fault-just isn't true! Gentle hugs coming your way this morning.
  3. Big Bad Kitty

    Big Bad Kitty lolcat

    Wow sweetie.

    So sorry that you had to end your weekend like this. Sending supportive hugs. Glad that you and foster mom are on the same sheet of music.
  4. Estherfromjerusalem

    Estherfromjerusalem Well-Known Member

    I am so sorry to read this -- it must be a real blow. Yes, I can imagine that your illness is causing him extra stress. What a wonderful foster mother. Thank heavens at least for that, being able to work with her as a team.

    Linda, hang in there. Sending you a soft gentle hug.

    Love, Esther
  5. 'Chelle

    'Chelle Active Member

    I've thought of our difficult child's improvements from when I first joined, and I've realized that while parenting tips & The Explosive Child etc. helped calm things down, things never truly got better until he took ownership of his own behaviors and the fallout from them. I can still remember the conversation when he was just about 12, and he admitted that what was going on in his life was his own doing and he didn't want it that way anymore. I think that was the essential to him working with us and the teachers at school to make things better. As long as they can blame someone else, they don't have to change, because changing yourself is scary.

    I'm so sorry that wm still doesn't get it. I hope that he has a lightbulb moment, sooner rather than later as well. He's lucky to have you and fostermom in his life.
  6. totoro

    totoro Mom? What's a GFG?

    I was so saddened to read this but it made me smile and brought a tear to my eyes as I read about what a wonderful team you have... He is so very lucky. If only all children like KT and WM could live there lives like this... If only they didn't have to go through what those poor kids did!
    If only WM realized how much you guys had is back!!!
    Good job! Now to get that darn glue off of his fingers...
  7. Steely

    Steely Active Member

    Sending many hugs Linda.

    You have helped create such an amazing atmosphere for some of the most difficult twins in the universe, and I greatly admire you. To have foster mom say, "we will mother that child even if it kills him" - WOW! That is exactly the kind of tenacity wm needs, and exactly the kind of support you need. Wow again!

    So sorry, however that he made such a bad choice this weekend. And, as all difficult children do, dragged you through it. Sigh...........
    Hang in there.
  8. mstang67chic

    mstang67chic Going Green

    Wow. No idea what to say but I too love what the FM said. Sending hugs.
  9. timer lady

    timer lady Queen of Hearts

    I have to say, foster mum is one strong - very determined lady. She has an incredible wit combined with an indeterminable patience & mind set. Perfect for wm.

    wm is in a "I can outwait/outdo you" mode of mind. We've seen it in the past - seeing it again. Is it working? No better than when he was determined to parent himself. Not at all.

    We've been trying to give wm a chance for redo's - give him back priviledges that he'd lost. Not happening - it's like he's determined to be as miserable as possible & drag everyone down with him.

    It angers him when life goes on around him - that no one else is being angry or sad or pathetic; so wm continues to up the ante, if you will.

    He's so stuck in this cycle - has been for years. And it brings into account many dangerous/ unhealthy choices - for him & all of us.

    Yes, I thought you'd all enjoy foster mum's attitude & response. God has blessed wm & our entire family with this group home & the fosters that run it. The truly have become an extended part of our family. I know, my dad who is coming to visit, I believe in April, is determined to meet these people & thank them for the care they are extending to his grandson.

    Thank you ladies.
  10. mrscatinthehat

    mrscatinthehat Seussical

    so many hugs going out to you right now.

  11. SearchingForRainbows

    SearchingForRainbows Active Member


    What a wonderful foster mother!!! I hope someday wm understands how fortunate he is to have both you and his foster mother working as hard as possible to guide him through life, no matter how difficult he makes the process!!!

    I hope and pray the day will come when wm can admit that he has no one other than himself to blame for his poor behavior choices and the consequences that follow because of them. I'm still waiting for my difficult children to learn this valuable life lesson too. It certainly is frustrating!!! WFEN
  12. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    It's so g ood you and she are working as a team on this.

    I had a thought - if wm thinks he can lay all the blame on you - you're ill and he can't cope with the stress of it all - then ask him what all YOUR stress justifies, in your behaviour. have you axe-murdered anyone lately?

    Or maybe next time he accuses you of being heartless, unfeeling, or cruel in some other way, blame it on the stress he's causing you plus the stress of being ill, the stress of everything else you're dealing with (including the weather) - up the ante, big time. "No wonder I committed those last five bank robberies, it's just all the stress of my life right now..."

    I just wonder...

  13. Star*

    Star* call 911


    Wm has a LOT going for him. The simple fact that he has you as a Mom and a caring foster Mom is so important. And at 13 - I KNEW Dude would NEVER EVER, NEVER, EVER, NEVER, get "IT" -

    and at 17 - he kinda does. Despite me knowing he would never get it.

    At points in Dudes life his physical being was so many, many years off from his mental being. Some years - as much as 8-10 years. But that is really not a bad sign - Dude did a lot of regressing before he did any progressing. I think at some point they even get sick of themselves - when they do ? It's the beginning of a slow push uphill.

    Hugs - waiting for the update.