So ktbug is back....again...almost weekly,

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by timer lady, Sep 8, 2012.

  1. timer lady

    timer lady Queen of Hearts

    however, she finally admitted herself to a crisis program. In the meantime, her SW/CM is working hard to get her into a chemical dependency program as well as an adult residential treatment facility.

    I have been asked, in the meantime, to let ktbug come home after she is discharged from the crisis program.

    I find it difficult to function with kt in the house. She's stolen my credit cards, my pain medications & things to pawn for drugs. She's been couch surfing (aka homeless) on & off since her return from W VA. Every week or 2 kt shows up here in 1 crisis or another.

    Has anyone rented a small space for their adult difficult child so they don't come home? SW is working hard on getting kt into a transitional living situation/group home. The need is great for adults & the resources, of course, are shrinking.

    I'm not sure I can afford this. I'm in contact with my brother (aka financial POA) & we are discussing options.

    What I really want to do is pack her up & send her back to the incubator. kt came back worse than ever before after meeting the biomonster & I don't want to continue to keep cleaning up after that woman.
  2. FlowerGarden

    FlowerGarden Active Member

    I don't have any advice to offer since I haven't been in that position. Just sending some hugs and positive thoughts your way.
  3. ThreeShadows

    ThreeShadows Quid me anxia?

    Oh, Lord, Linda! Don't let her back in! It's high time that you realize that self care is not selfishness. You have given so much of yourself to help these kids. I hope you take this as showing my respect and caring for you. I've often felt like shaking KT, I understand that she has had it rough, but when does she get to accept responsibility for her lousy choices????
  4. TeDo

    TeDo Guest

    Oh Linda, I am sorry she is continuing the drama for you. I would definitely tell the SW that YOUR mental health (and overall functioning) cannot take it anymore. There are other services THEY can provide for her living somehwere else that YOU don't have to pay for. She is an adult and you are no longer financially responsible for her. PLEASE tell the social worker she needs to help kt find somewhere else to go. I know it's hard but you've come a long ways since they left and I absolutely HATE the idea of her doing this to you anymore.

  5. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    No suggestions. Just a very caring and sincere hug for you. DDD
  6. buddy

    buddy New Member

    I can imagine a pang when someone asks you to take her but it could be a long time getting her out if they know she always has you to stay with. Not to mention the heart ache and stress. I hope you can convince them to just hurry up and find a place.
  7. JJJ

    JJJ Active Member

    Don't take her back! Leaving her "homeless" will keep her at the top of the lists to get into an adult placement.
  8. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Another on the dont take her back bandwagon because they will use that to push her down on their waiting lists. Is she still on SSI? If not, get that restarted immediately. That would give her income for at least a low income apartment. If her team feels she needs support surrounding her, let them send folks in. You can have a relationship with her with boundaries on your part.
  9. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I don't know as much as the others here, however, it does sound prudent to let the SW take care of her and keep your boundaries intact. I know how difficult that is but it certainly sounds as if you have already given your all. (((HUGS)))
  10. Kathy813

    Kathy813 Well-Known Member Staff Member

    JJJ is right. I learned at a NAMI meeting that if an adult is in crisis and sent to the hospital, the social worker must find a place for them. They try to push them off on family but you need to stand your ground. Of course, my difficult child lied and told them she had a friend to stay with and they put her in a taxi which took her to my house. We found her in our driveway when we got home.
  11. Rabbit

    Rabbit Member

    Sending Hugs And Prayers Up
  12. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    KT has many mental health issues. Is there not assisted living apartments where she can go? They are based on her salary, if she has one, and I am thinking she could probably get SSDI. My son is going to live in a place like this, however no behavior problems are allowed, but I'm sure they have places for those adults who are unable to take care of themselves due to mental illness. It can't just be for those with developmental problems. The cost would NOT be on you and she would NOT be 100% on her own, which doesn't seem to work. And you would catch a break and k now she was in a good place.

    I admire your strength and dedication to your children, but you deserve to rest now. KT has to live by herself, however I'm not sure she can manage that in her own apartment if nobody is checking up on her. And why should you have to pay for it?
  13. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    Whatever you do, do NOT believe then when they want her to come stay with you 'until something opens up'. This is only said to make you think they are getting a place for her. If she is in your home they will consider her 'placed' and they will NOT NOT NOT look for another placement. Once she comes home they are 'done' finding placements.

    If you won't let her come home, PLEASE do not throw your resources away on an apartment for her. That will also be considered a 'placement' and she will be YOUR responsibility and they will NOT find a place for her because after all, there are lots of people with no family to rent apartments for them - so clearly she doesn't 'need' their help.

    Tell the sw/cm that your therapists and docs feel it is too dangerous for her to live with you and you cannot afford to provide a place for her. If they get pushy about you paying for something, let them talk to your POA and let HIM tell them that you cannot afford it.

    You have done so much and sacrificed even your health and well being on the altar of your children's mental, emotional and physical needs. Many times you have put yourself in danger to help the tweedles. they are adults now and they have to figure this out for themselves with their SW's. It is not for you to figure all this out or pay for it. PERIOD. It isn't mean or wrong or hard-hearted. it is life and taking care of yourself. And it is what is right to do for kt.
  14. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful


    Even if you can't afford to pay for ktbug to have a place of her own, do not let her back into the house. Love her, support her (emotionally), but this road she needs to walk on her own, painful and tough as it is going to be.

    I am all about family being there for family, all for mom's guiding and teaching ect ect, you know that. But I've been, to some degree, where ktbug is now in her journey......and it is best for you both that she not be there while going through the hades that is to come, that needs to come, for her to finish healing.

    This part, is the toughest part. She will be riding the emotional roller coaster from hades itself for a while until she begins to work through some of the past. This was in her future whether biomonster had stepped into her life or not. That thing (sorry, I have issues referring to her as if she's human) only sped up the process and brought it front and center to be dealt with. While I empathize with the pain and rage ect kt is going through, in so many ways it is a good thing that the monster stepped in to bring her rushing back to reality that the childhood fantasy was indeed fiction, born of the desperation of a child unable to understand that their own parent could hurt her the way she has been hurt.

    I am praying hard for ktbug, that she is more ready for the journey ahead than she believes herself to be and that healing begins. But the healing process is anything from pretty. I avoided my family during that time, and it's a good thing I did in my opinion. Kt is an adult, it is time to put her past demons to rest once and for all. Only kt can do that.

    I will also pray that a solution, whatever it might need to be, can be found for her living situation. Because it should not be with you. She loves you, she trusts you, and every ounce of rage she feels for biomonster will likely be directly at you because you are safe. And that could be very dangerous, trust me.

    I pray for you too, my friend, that you receive the guidance you need to make the right choices for both you and ktbug. In this instance though, you must put yourself first. This is not your journey, it's hers.

  15. pasajes4

    pasajes4 Well-Known Member

    I have no advice just lots of hugs. I will be faced with this situation in the not to distant future. I read everything posted and store it away for that day.
  16. Star*

    Star* call 911

    I third the JJJ motion -

    THE LESS financial help KT has - ACTUALLY the better off she will be (and by the sounds of what you write------YOU TOO) ........

    Put your foot down linda - This isn't just a situation where it's "WEll can I let the kid come home" ------this has gotten EPIC where as MY LIFE IS IN JEOPARDY - I could have a heart attack, a stroke or worse from THE STRESS THIS GIRL BRINGS.......

    ALL MOTHER BIRDS EVENTUALLY put their babies out of the nest ----------EVEN ones that have problems like KT - because you are NOT going to be there forever - and then what? WHERE does she go then????

    Do her a favor now - LET HER BE AN ADULT as much as she can be - and let the state do it's job and help her reach that goal.
  17. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    Who asked you to let her stay with you? Her SW? I would have to say, "Oh, he// to the no!". I don't have an answer for you as to how to get her somewhere safe, but honestly, I don't feel that's your responsibility.

    Let them Baker Act her and find her someplace themselves. They aren't going to release her from the hospital if she's unsafe.
  18. mstang67chic

    mstang67chic Going Green

    I'm with the rest. Under no circumstances should you let her back! Mainly for your health and wellbeing but as the others have said, it will help her too. The less she has, the more THEY get for her. That is their job....let them do it.
  19. Nomad

    Nomad Guest

    I feel sooo out of the loop, because I didn't realize there was a large drug history. I'm so sorry.
    Our daughter is on SSI (or SSDI...I get them confused).
    She has enough money to get an apartment...although they are often in horrible areas.
    She is on food stamps...but this barely covers her food needs.
    So, we have helped her with her left overs. She also (when she is acting appropriately) comes over for dinner. She came over last night.
    This morning, she did some cleaning and we paid her for one hours worth of work.
    I have given her health care products, as she does not have a penny left from her check to cover that (it all goes for rent) and have paid for her to go the doctor (especially the gyno for birth control).
    With SSI, she gets a yearly bus pass, and that is her transportation.
    The money we give her is VERY VERY limited and thank goodness she has the SSI. It is lifesaver for her and for everyone.
    So, perhaps I would VERY TEMPORARILY pay for an apartment for her IF AND ONLY IF she didn't have the SSI. But we would not be able to afford any more than that (temporary situation) and I wouldn't particularly want to pay for more than that.
    IS KT receiving or is she eligible for SSI funding??? I would NOT let her back in the house, given the circumstances...and again, would either NOT pay for an apartment or only agree to pay for osmething for her very very very very x100 temporarily. Maybe she could find a friend to live with for a period of time. Other arrangements like SSI need to be put in the works. With her diagnosis and background, it is likely that she would qualify. Consider calling an attorney who specializes in this type of thing. She could still work part time while collecting SSI.
    Hang in there.