So Sick of difficult child's Dumb Koi...

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by DaisyFace, Nov 15, 2010.

  1. DaisyFace

    DaisyFace Love me...Love me not

    And then the even dumber lies she uses to try and explain it all....


    She will only eat foods high in sugar and chocolate. For the rest of the family, these items are special "treats"....but difficult child will go days and days skipping healthy meals - and then scarf up junk food like it's going out of style.

    Yesterday was DS's there is difficult child this morning packing a GIANT piece of cake for lunch and a big baggie of sugary cereal. I thought you don't eat breakfast or lunch, I say. But o no - difficult child explains that she only skips meals when she is running really, really late.

    Uh-huh. Like how she was running late this morning? O that's different - silly me!


    I haven't had any underwear in the wash from difficult child in roughly six weeks. She only owns 7 pairs of panties - so do the math. Either she is not wearing any underwear at all....or she is just not changing it for days and days at a time.

    Over the weekend, I told her she needed to find all of her dirty underwear and make sure it gets washed. O, I was told, she just washed it by hand a few days nope, nothing needs to go into the machine - again.


    difficult child made a big deal about how she was moving out soon....couldn't stand to live with us....doesn't need us for anything, yadda, yadda, yadda...

    The turns around and asks for a few hundred dollars to buy her some nice new furniture....o and some clothes.....o and here's what she wants for Xmas.

    Yeah, I'll get right on that for ya!


    AND she has been dropping hints that she's going to change her program at school AGAIN!

    The school system requires that each student follow a "graduation plan". This ensures that every student gets the courses they need to graduate on time plus get electives in an area of interest that will prepare them for college, or a career, or an internship opportunity or whatever...

    difficult child changed hers three times last year - switching from the Honors/college bound program, to the non-Honors/college bound program, to non-Honors/Military bound program. (And then she flunked her way through the school year anyway and only passed 9th grade by a single point - I guess she is looking for the graduation plan that requires her to do absolutely nothing and then get a career making millions for very little work).

    And each time she changes plans, I am required to go into the school for a meeting and a review of the required courses for the new programs and I am supposed to sign off on all kinds of stuff.

    So now, difficult child is hinting that she wants to switch to non-Honors/career bound. She wants to take cosmetology classes offered at the school's career center....and THEN join the military....(even though she is not currently working toward even being able to pass the ROTC's physical fitness test)...and THEN go to college...(even though she dropped out of the "college bound" program a long time ago).



    Calgon - take me away!
  2. DaisyFace

    DaisyFace Love me...Love me not

    And I forgot to add one more....

    difficult child is a hair-puller. She has manged to pull out ALL of her eyelashes -

    BUT she explans that this is no big deal because she only pulls out the ones that are annoying her....and now, she will stop...and it's not a problem because her eyelashes will all be fully grown back by January 3rd.

    Yeah, OK - -

    As long as she knows everything, I guess it's fine.

  3. AnnieO

    AnnieO Shooting from the Hip

    Um, yeah, she'll stop pulling out her eyelashes... There aren't any to pull!

    Ya gotta love the whole know-it-all bit. I do understand how you feel... Just mentally roll your eyes and laugh at the rude awakening that's on its way...
  4. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    I'm sorry you're in the thick of it with difficult child. Part of it, I'd say MOST of it, is her age. I felt PTSD symptoms reading your post!

    Since she's still a minor and you are legally responsible for her, you still have a right and obligation, in my humble opinion, to 'push' her and guide her. However, she is transitioning into a young adult and over the next 3 years her educational career is up to her...iow, she will have to suffer the natural consequences of her actions and personal choices in regards to her goals in HS. Perhaps suggesting she speak with a HS guidance counselor to discuss her change in plans instead of battling over it at home would help to give her the eye opening she needs. Perhaps she's not completely off base...perhaps she's realizing her own shortcomings and is figuring out a way to make something work for her. I'm not saying this is so, just throwing it all out there. Because I remember difficult child changing her plans (or throwing them all away) many times between 9th-12th grades...or doing nothing at all and listening to no one. Except the school director who was a very matter of fact women, held back nothing and had a rep for being brutally honest with the kids (something I really admired!).

    Anyway, just some thoughts and empathy - hugs and hang in there.
  5. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    "You washed it all by hand? Bring it to me so I can double-check that they are clean enough. Hand-washing is not as effective."

    As for her wanting to change her school program, I would agree to signing off ONLY AFTER she meets with the various school staff (including counsellor) and can convince the counsellor that this is a good choice. Also needing to be built into this (with cooperation of the counsellor) should be follow-up meetings where difficult child has to justify the change in program and demonstrate that she has been able to do better as a result of the change.

    You still have leverage. Don't let her bamboozle you. As for sugary treats - lock them all up, allow none for anybody. If they want to know why - ask difficult child. After a party, get leftovers out of the house to a neighbour's. Then lock up all money because she WILL spend every cent she can find on rubbish. We went through this with easy child. Any snacks we bought got stolen within days and easy child would never own up, so I stopped buying it for anyone. The others got resentful but knew better than to blame me; they knew where the blame lay and this added the right kind of pressure to easy child, she knew she was the reason even though she nagged me to go back to buying it all. I just had to learn to not buy into the nagging. At times I would even turn to the nagger and say, "Why do you think nagging will work on me? Does it work for you at other times? I must be losing my touch... if it ever worked before, then I am more vigilant now."

    Hang in there, Daisy. She will learn the hard way in years to come, what she refuses to learn now.

  6. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    March her butt into school and ask if they have a career path for exotic dancers or prostitutes because that seems to be the path she is on. Then excuse yourself and tell them that you are done playing this silly game with her. Its her job to go to school and you cant make her perform. This is between them and her.
  7. timer lady

    timer lady Queen of Hearts

    My head is spinning. I found the need for new furniture from you to move out a bit humorous. wm wants me to buy a dog for his bio mom once he turns 18 & goes out to find her.

    I'll do that when pigs fly. DF, you got my deepest sympathies ~ I hate this age.
  8. Carolyn9595

    Carolyn9595 Guest

    She sounds like the perfect date for my son. They would have so much in common!
    What planet do these people come from?
  9. DaisyFace

    DaisyFace Love me...Love me not



    I'm not sure that we should get these two together...they might hit it off TOOO well!




    Yes, I think she is just looking for the graduation plan that requires nothing. She keeps switching departments, too - English, French, ROTC....just looking for the career that offers the "free ride", I think.


    I hear ya...I'm just tired of chasing a 15 year old around for her underwear. And yes, restricting difficult child's sweets means the rest of us do without...


    O I have no doubt that if I survive the next few years I'll come away with a PTSD diagnosis myself!


    Yeah, it's easy to quit once there's nothing left. Gimme a break!

    Thanks for the support everyone! And the laughs...

    I needed that!
  10. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    Why not spend any money you would use for difficult child's christmas gifts to buy small lockboxes for everyone in the home. Then any sugary snacks are locked up there for the individual person to consume at their will. Make sure that they are all well hidden and/or locked away from difficult child. Otherwise, find some cabinet that you can put a strong lock on and keep the sugary stuff there, away from her. Otherwise the only option is to not buy it.

    As for the underwear, surely at 15 she is old enough to reap the natural consequences of wearing undies for days at a time. Or she has lost them all or given them away. Either way, I would not fight over it simply because it is not worth the effort. If she gets an infection from wearing dirty undies, well, she can pay the doctor bill to get medications to clear it up. No money? gee, I guess she owes you labor (if you want to fight that battle) or you should pawn her ipod, stereo, tv, whatever to pay for the bill. If she truly wants the item back from the pawn shop she can find a way to earn the $$.

    I would tell the school that I am NOT coming up for a meeting about her "plan" because all she is doing is trying to find a way to not work. When she starts doing her work, putting real effort and labor into her schooling, then and only then would I go to school to discuss changing her plan. Period. If they have a problem with it, they can speak to her. School matters should be between difficult child and school. Period. Parents ONLY get involved if she earns the right to change things. Otherwise, school should impose whatever consequences are appropriate for her behavior and choices. It really is NOT your problem. difficult child is the one who will suffer because she refuses to do her schoolwork. Youwould not go to her place of employement to negotiate her job description and tasks, that would be something for her to handle. School is her job right now. Her performance is on her, not you. She can negotiate her "plan" or job description with the school people, she can also negotate her assignments and other things with the teachers, and you have very little influence over her school issues. Regardless of what you do, she is going to do what she wants. Take yourself as far out of that equation as is possible and let HER figure out how to get things done.

    I am sorry you have all this koi going on. (((((hugs)))))
  11. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    I did think about this angle, Susie, but the problem is - Daisy's failure to 'cooperate' with the school etc over the requested plan change sets her difficult child up for an excuse to fail. "I TOLD you I didn't want to study those subjects any more!!"
    But if a contract is set up between difficult child and the school (Daisy not involved, but sitting back and insisting on the contact being set up) then difficult child is the one who has to be held accountable for her inability to comply, even after changes have been made to suit her.

    On the topic of "You wouldn't go in to her place of employment" - this is not the same thing. And with a difficult child - sadly I would, and have had to. But on the same basis - to help my child negotiate her own terms and conditions, to get my child to do as much of this as she can for herself and to ensure that anything else I do is HER choice and her responsibility to own.

    It's not easy.