Social Skills and Collaborative problem solving

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by Allan-Matlem, Jul 27, 2010.

  1. Allan-Matlem

    Allan-Matlem Active Member


    I read that social skills classes aren't very successful in helping kids acquire these skills as the situations are not real life situations. Most social skills are really about one on one interactions. The CPS collaborative problem solving approach promotes social skills of kids by jointly solving social issues and problems , because problem solving and general chatting involves perpective taking , empathy etc.

    The good news is talking with your kid , chatting etc promotes not only relationship but lots of cognitive skills. So try to find the one on one time to enjoy your kids company and let this dynamic generalize during the day. Even when you need some help from your child or need his attention first connect with him and enter his world , share a few sentences about what he is doing or involved in . After you have made the connection , let hi hear your concerns. CPS and social skills - list of social skills and links

    I hope this helps
  2. Fran

    Fran Former desparate mom

    Allan, I agree that to have a kid memorize what social skills is soon forgotten in the midst of more promising activities. Having them process it, and make it their own is a trick. I wish there were more programs using video of the child during social exercises so they can see how and what they doing.
    We do a lot of "if I didn't ask you about your day and asked everyone else, how would you feel? That's how I feel when you don't show interest in our days."
    I seem to have to turn a social skill blunder around on him so he can empathize with my feelings. If I don't hear him when he speaks from another room, he becomes very irritated that I ask him to repeat it. A few days ago, he couldn't hear what I was saying and I used it as an example how it would feel if I became irritated. You can see a spark of understanding in him.
    So much of what we want for our kids has to be something our kids want in order for them to process and make it their own. In the meantime, he role plays what society needs him to act like until he "gets it".

    Thanks for the info. You always have some interesting input.
  3. trinityroyal

    trinityroyal Well-Known Member

    Allen, I too like the problem-solving approach that's described. I think making it real and concrete allows a person with social skill deficits to get a better handle on the specific skill that's being taught. Abstractions can just serve to confuse matters further.

    Fran, speaking from the "insider's" perspective, this approach really works. Over my lifetime I have learned social skills and interactions the way many learn another language. Learning from mistakes is very productive, because you have a real situation in your mind that you can refer to and work with, which more than anything else can help us to "get it".

    As it so happens, I am right now trying to figure out a social blunder I just made. I came in from work and husband, who has been home alone with the babies all day, just unloaded to me about something unpleasant that happened with his day. I was trying to get into "sympathetic face and listening posture", but I'm really hungry and have a headache, so I think I didn't do it right. Now husband's feelings are hurt because he thinks I don't care about his frustration. I do care, but I lose my ability to be properly social when I have other sensory issues on the go as well.

    Sometimes the role-play is as far as one can go. However, if it smooths social interactions, then maybe it's enough.

    Very interesting. Now I need to figure out what I did wrong with my face so that I can make things better with husband. Onward!
  4. whatamess

    whatamess New Member

    My son has had exposure to the social skills program "Superflex". Superflex is a character that defeats bad guys like "mean jean" and "rockbrain". My difficult child thinks it's fun to learn about the characters and he can tell you what to do if given a social problem scenario, but put him IN that scenario and the frontal lobe is down for the count. I think the flexibility of the people around difficult child during those brain-freeze moments has helped him be a teeny bit more reflective. Most often though, his mood/anxiety/irritability get the best of him.
  5. Allan-Matlem

    Allan-Matlem Active Member


    in my humble opinion the focus is on ' asking' not telling. We want kids to reflect and take perspectives. The more we have conversations , even general stuff we promote a ' thinking mode ' .

    Trinity - I hope you managed to reassure your husband. When we take blame out of the picture and focus on solutions things are better.
    I find first focusing on husband's concerns , taking time listening and hearing him out and not rushing to answer or find a solution , not only validates his feelings , but you are helping him to put concerns on the table . Once we have listened to him , he will hear what we are saying and being open to a mutually satisfying solution

    What a mess - check out the book - the spy Jarvis clutch

    Fran - I find your input full of insight. I find I can explore ideas and write more on a blog and then share

    when we tell - we turn kids into objects when we ask , we give them a voice and they respond as subjects - I talk about this in a new blog

    Take care

  6. barneysmom

    barneysmom Member

    Hi Trinity,

    My husband is a person with Asperger's so we work together a lot on mutual communication.

    You mentioned in your post,

    "I do care, but I lose my ability to be properly social when I have other sensory issues on the go as well."

    If I heard these words from my husband it would mean a lot to me. Personally I would rather hear those words than have a sympathetic facial expression. It would also help me immensely to know that you are hungry and have a headache, but that you do care. Maybe your husband could learn that your facial expression isn't a good indicator of what's going on inside.

    JMO as a spouse -- your hubby may be different. Enjoyed reading your perspective. I have some experience with facial expressions getting in the way -- both mine and husband's.