Son went to Jail and it is about time

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by pasajes4, Jan 28, 2012.

  1. pasajes4

    pasajes4 Well-Known Member

    My son has been spiraling out of control since December. He was caught in the back of a stolen car and the driver and other kid had drugs on them. He was not arrested for that and I really don't see why. He is black the police were white and the other two boys were white. In the city where I live this would have resulted in the black kid going to jail and the white kid walking. They had every right to arrest him. He ran away from home twice and was reported both times. Whenthe police came to the house to verify his return. My difficult child would get mouthy with the cops try to walk away...each time the police would tell him " if we have to come back over here we will arrest you when u get out of line". They have made many visits here since he was 12 when he gets out of line. This time he had some things happen at school (we have an attorney to help get more appropriate services) that should not have happened. The night he got arrested he was worked up about who knows what and then it evolved into I needed to buy him a cell phone and when he was told that that was not going to happen at this time he went off the wall. I locked myself in my room and he kept escalating trying to break the door down. This time I really got scared. When the police arrived, he turned on them. He was screaming and cursing them out (not the first time) they tried their best to calm him down. He would not. They told him they would have to cuff him. He tried to run and when they told him to stop, he charged them and struck the officer. They cuffed him got him on the ground and he continued to fight. They had to call for back up. He realized at that point he was in deep &%*%. All of a sudden he switched to trying to manipulate his way out of this situation. I had to make the decision as to wether he would be transported to hospital or jail. Hardest decision of my life...I chose jail. I chose jail when he started screaming to take him to the hospital because he would only have to be there 3 days. He has gotten away with far too much lately..shoplifiting,drugs,truant to school, leaving and staying gone for days at a time. His attitude has been the police can't do anything about it. This is a kid who has had multiple hospitalizations and become destructive when he decided he was ready to go home but was told he was not ready. He would get his way when he would become violent. He has to be held accountable. He has gotten to the point where he is using his illness to manipulate everyone around him. I hope this wakes him up. He really has gotten to the point where he thinks(because they never did anything before) that he could do and say anything and all they would do is threaten him with jail. It was time for a reality check. I hope that my attorney can convince the judge that he needs long term treatment and commits him to the state hospital. I can no longer afford treatment at a cushy treatment center where he can play all day and eat to his hearts content not to mention using it as a dating service.

    Sorry for the long post. I am just so beyond his ****.
  2. TeDo

    TeDo Guest

    I am so sorry it came to this. I have a nephew that has been in trouble for the past couple years with the law and probation and fines didn't mean a thing to him. He turned 18 in October and by the end of November he was arrested again but because he was 18, he got jail time. It's the best lesson for him. He HATED it. He doesn't EVER want to go back there. I just hope it works.

    In your son's case, it may not work that way. Drugs + untreated Mental Health issues= the meaning will be lost and will only make him more angry. I REALLY hope this does work. Praying and pretzeling that it does.

    {{{{HUGS}}}} to you. It HAD to be very hard.
  3. pasajes4

    pasajes4 Well-Known Member

    I hope so. I realize this may make him even angrier. He has had years of treatment and hospitilazations and people bending over backwards to help him. He continues to to use his illness to try to excuse his behavior. He uses it to manipulate people and to get of trouble. I know that I took a huge risk in taking this approach. He was real quick to blame me when the police came. Screaming that I did not have a reason to call the police that i was the crazy one. The police officer was just as quick to let him know it was his actions that put him in the back of the police car.

    If he comes out without learning anything. This scenerio will keep repeating itself. For his sake, I hope he gets it.
  4. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    Just sending caring thoughts of support. DDD
  5. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I'm so sorry. You are one strong lady. It sounds like he has been given many chances and it's time he now take responsibility for his actions. I think you did the right thing and I know how hard it is, but it may be his best chance to get help.

    Of course they blame us for calling the police, they completely ignore the fact that their actions is what got them in trouble in the first place.

    I loved your comment: "I can no longer afford treatment at a cushy treatment center where he can play all day and eat to his hearts content not to mention using it as a dating service." That's exactly what my difficult child used her treatment center for, dating service.

  6. buddy

    buddy New Member

    Sorry you had to go through such a scary night... I am glad they took him and you made the decision you felt was right for him. Let us know what you need, come and vent and share.... we are here for you.
  7. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I applaud you and think you did the exactly right thing because if you hadnt done it now you would be doing it next month or next year or two years from now or you would be seeing it happen at the hands of someone else. We need to take a hard stand with these kids that no does mean no. Yes we will provide treatment and help for them but we wont be their doormats. The world isnt going to allow bad behavior and parents do them no favors letting them think it will.

    I hope your son gets enough of a nasty wake up call so he wont ever want to go back to jail again. For my son, when they sent him to juvy, it was only for 5 days and it was a cake walk. They did nothing but watch TV, read and play cards all day. That didnt scare him a bit. However, he did slow down until he became an adult but then I had to eventually call the cops over and over again and finally I did charge him myself with forging checks. That whole time was no picnic but he has learned from it (it appears) and I do think we are seeing a turn around. His life will never be what it could have been but those were his choices and he knows it. He will tell anyone that I did the right thing in turning him in. I didnt break the law, he did. And yes, he is still my baby boy and loves me to death. Everyone teases him about having baby boy syndrome. We are praying that the things we did at 21 will keep him from a lifetime in prison. I hope that what you just did keep your son from a lifetime in prison.
  8. pasajes4

    pasajes4 Well-Known Member

    I went to visit him today. The visit lasted 3 min. I told him I loved him and he started to say he was angry about being there and it was my fault. I walked out before he could escalate. I do not know what the outcome will be. I pray that he starts to make the connection. If he does not, he will become real familiar with the cuisine and well appointed suites at juvenile.
  9. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    You did the hard thing but the right thing! I know it has to be so hard; sending gentle hugs your way.
  10. pinevalley

    pinevalley Member

    Wow! You are really a warrior Mom! I admire your strength to make the very hard decision to send your difficult child to jail instead of a hospital. I hope that jail will be a wake up call for your difficult child. Do you have any idea how long he will be there? You are doing the right thing for your son, and it takes a really strong woman to do this. Sending caring thoughts your way...
  11. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Way To Go, Pasajes! I am proud of you. And very proud you walked out on the brief visit. He HAS to learn consequences.
    I agree with-Janet. You made the right decision. He's been to treatment before, and he knows it will only last 3 days (or whatever the ins comp will pay for) and a dating svc., oh yeah. Several others here can relate to that.
    I know this is very hard for you, and for him. But he sounds like he's very resilient, if manipulative, and if he has any brains at all, he will finally, finally accept responsibility.
    Have you changed your locks yet? Talked to Soc svcs? You've got your work cut out for you.
    Many hugs.
  12. exhausted

    exhausted Active Member

    I am so sorry. You have made such a tough decision but one that has so much love behind it. If he doesn't make a connection now, things will be very bad as an adult. I hope you can get him the care he needs. Be strong and continue to push for the help you believe he needs. (((hugs))), I know you are hurting.
  13. pasajes4

    pasajes4 Well-Known Member

    I had a long talk with the counselor that meets with him in juvie. He goes before the judge tomorrow at 9 a.m. She asked that I sit as far away as I can so that he cannot make contact with me. The meeting she had with him left her very concerned about he may behave in court. He got extremely angry with her when she did not buy into his version of the story (she did not comment one way or the other to him). He escalated very quickly and she said she became concerned for her safety at one point. He called today with out even a hint of remorse. The only thing he wanted to know was did I got him an attorney. I did. What he does not know is that she is going to petition for a long term treatment placement at the juvenile treatment facility.
  14. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I remain proud of you. I watched a show last night on LockUp about severely resistant Juveniles at a facility in Indiana I believe. From what I remember, they didnt sentence these kids to a certain period of time, they were sentenced until they were believed to be able to safe out in the community again. I was impressed with the place. Im sure you could find it online.
  15. lovemysons

    lovemysons Well-Known Member


    Another here that is SO very proud of you!

    As you may have read, my soon to be 23 yr old (Feb 19) spit at police around 3 yrs ago and received 2 Felony charges for spitting. He was recently "convicted" (as opposed to the previous deferred sentence) on the spitting charges and sentenced to 3 yrs in prison.
    Assaulting a police officer in ANY way is very very serious. And scarying people we he gets angry or is not getting his way would only get worse in my opinion if not held accountable with jail at this time esp since previous hospitalisations have only resulted in son thinking he can get away with violent behavior.
    I so hope your son will truly connect the dots before he is an adult.

    You are being very strong. I know this has got to be breaking your heart at the same time though.
    I will be thinking of you both this morning at 9am.

    We are here for you,
    with care,
  16. pasajes4

    pasajes4 Well-Known Member

    His detention hearing was this morning at 9a.m. My heart broke at 9:03 when my son was brought in in handcuffs and leg irons. My world shattered when I had to stand in front of my son and the judge and tell the court that I did not want my son to come home because I did not feel safe and that others would be in danger as well. The sorrow I felt I have only felt once before when I lost someone I loved. Yet, I know I made the right decision and that I made it out of love. I pray that someday he will know that.

    Thank you for your support. I would be in a much worse place with-o it.
  17. pinevalley

    pinevalley Member

    It must have been a horrible experience today to have to tell the judge that you do not feel safe at home with your difficult child. Please remember that you were telling the truth about your son, and you only want what is best for him. YOu are a warrior mom, and I hope that someday your son will realize how much you love him. Hugs to you...
  18. lovemysons

    lovemysons Well-Known Member

    I waited most of yesterday to see an update on your post. I am sorry I did not get to reply sooner.

    You are handling things with a tough love absolutely are doing the loving thing here though I know it likely goes against the grain of what "feels" loving and righti.
    Your son may be angry right now...he may want to think this is all your fault...but it is HIS behavior that got him to this place, not yours. You are protecting yourself and others.

    I know you will likely visit your son in Juvie. I hope when you do that you are armed with some well-thought-out phrasas to use in the situation cause I have little doubt that your son is going to try and make you feel guilty about his predicament. My son's have used WHATEVER will work to help them get out of a situation they didn't want to be in and the "mommy guilt card" got played often.

    I just wanted you to know I'm listening and here for you.
    You are brave and strong. You will get through this time and your son may end up truly truly learning some valuable life-long lessons here.

    My thoughts are with you,
  19. pasajes4

    pasajes4 Well-Known Member

    Thank you. I feel much better this morning. My daughter and my best friend came over last night and made me put on clothes. They took me out to a wonderful resturant and for the first time in years, I was able to relax and enjoy a nice meal and not worry about the what if's with difficult child. The what if has happened.
  20. rejectedmom

    rejectedmom New Member

    You are a strong woman and a warrior mom. You did exactly what neded to be done. I understand how it is a relief to know that you can relax when they are locked up. Hopefully he will get treatment and a change in attitude so that a some point you can have a good relationship with him. I'm sending you healing thoughts for your hurting heart.