sons- world is about to crash

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by tryingtobestrong, Feb 15, 2018.

  1. tryingtobestrong

    tryingtobestrong New Member

    I am new here- desperate to find help. It will be a long long story I will try to make it short. My 23 year old son started with anxiety-depression issues in high school but would not get help. Suffered much bullying due to his extreme weight. Started with anxiety attacks so we did see a few doctors who recommended weight loss. He lost a nice amount of weight and then got his first girlfriend. He was so in love. Then she broke it off. Unknown to us he was a cutter. The girlfriend told me this and than we tried getting him help. Counselor told me he was suicidal and should be admitted. Took him to the er and they put a 72 hour hold on him.... He has never been the same. That was years ago. From then to now he has abused weed and alcohol. Had many therapists and doctors try to help but he would not follow through. Would stop drinking for a few weeks and then right back into it. He met another girl a few weeks after the first on left him and he was good for about 6 months. Then he turned again. She stayed with him through all of this which is over 5 years now. In this time he finished college and moved across the country. He lived alone for a few months struggling to find a job so I helped him with his rent which was very high. He ended up with a dui and then over the phone the girlfriend broke up with him.. Right away he was suicidal. Sent me text after text of his passwords, etc. I called 911 for out there and they took him to the hospital and released him - said he was just drunk... We flew out and found him a psychologist to help him with his drinking with the agreement I would still help with the rent. The girlfriend went back to him and all was fine. She moved out with him, he was on probation and couldn't smoke weed or drink. As soon as probation was up, he sold his car so he wouldn't have to deal with the blower in his car....selfish because now he had to depend on her or uber for a ride. Finally got a decent job as well. SOOOO... the girlfriend told me a week ago that she is planning on leaving him in 2 months before the lease needs to be resigned. He will have a complete meltdown. She suggested we fly out to be with him because she is also taking 2 of their 4 pets. There has not been a day that has gone by that I am not in a panic mode. I fear for what will be. She is exhausted and I don't blame her for wanting to leave. She said he is worse of an alcoholic than before. He expects her to pay for most everything. I can't pick up his lease and continue to pay my mortgage. He will have to find a new apartment because there is no way he can afford that one on his salary.
    For the last 6 weeks he texts me in the am that his anxiety is so bad and that he cries before work and at work. Feels he needs to work from home,etc. I feel that is the worst thing possible. So yesterday he text me he was at his breaking point and needed help. I was like wow he really is to that point now.... So i found some doctors for him to call and last night again I was researching trying to see who takes our insurance. I text him then and asked him if he followed up on any of the numbers and he replied no he feels fine once he is home......
    What do I do? His world is going to crash, he refuses to get help. If we fly out there to be with him, he will not want us there but I fear the worst.
    I don't understand why he won't get help. The anxiety depression has been there so long, weed and booze isn't helping . My heart is breaking. I know the result of this.
    Even if he agrees to go to inpatient for 2 weeks once he gets out then what... Will he have his job? How will he move and find a place? He doesn't have any friends out there either.
    I have to let go and let God but this is so hard. I pray that God takes him home before all of this occurs. Horrible but this has worn me down so badly.
  2. startingfresh

    startingfresh Member

    tryingtobestrong. My heart goes out to you. I don't have answers but wanted to offer my support. My son too struggles with anxiety and depression and refuses any help. He chooses to smoke weed to cope. I was up most of the night worrying about him. So many times over the past few years, he will hit very rough times and call me asking for help. Then I get help and he refuses to participate. It is a vicious cycle. For him, it is when he comes out from his self medicating with weed. I will be making calls today to see if I can get him in somewhere, knowing full well that he will probably refuse to go. Hugs to you. This is incredibly difficult and this site helps.
  3. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I am really sorry. So much worry. Perhaps he is afraid that if he goes for help the doctors will consider alcoholism and want him to quit in order to help him and maybe he doesn't want to or think he can. Weed too. Or maybe there are other drugs now.

    At any rate I hope he does get help so that you can have peace. Love and hugs.
  4. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    So sorry to hear this. So hard. It does seem like your son has accomplished a lot though through all of this.

    I know it is hard not to rush in and rescue him and if that is what you choose to do then so be it. Maybe on the other hand you can let him know that you are there for him and love him. He has to figure this out on his own unfortunately.

    I agree with SWOT that he probably knows he is an alcoholic and is not yet ready to quit. Maybe his girlfriend leaving will enable him to see that he really needs it? It's so hard to know what will happen and I know what it feels like trying to save someone from....themselves.

    Have you thought of seeing a therapist that specializes in addiction to help guide you through all of this. Be supportive without enabling? That is hard stuff I know. I've been walking that tightrope for years. My therapist has helped me maneuver around the sharp corners of all of this or else I'd be a guilt feeling mess.
  5. Sam3

    Sam3 Active Member

    I know the feeling of dread when there is a change in the girlfriend situation. I feel bad admitting this. If dread is what I feel, then how healthy of a relationship could it have been? Yes, I don’t want to be my son’s emotional crutch, but I shouldn’t have felt relief that someone else was playing that role. At the end of the day, these guys stay ill in these relationships. Maybe safer in the sense that they don’t walk out into traffic, but with something like terminal illness.

    I know it’s scary to think of them feeling desperate and self-destructive but maybe you can manage your anxiety by trying to reframe this as an opportunity for him to reflect. He has been spiraling for a while, even in the relationship.

    I think the best we can do is to be the eye of the storm and exude some confidence (maybe even if it’s false for now) that he wants control over his own happiness. And ultimately wants to fire the untreated alcoholism and anxiety that are unfortunately, his bosses for now.
  6. ColleenB

    ColleenB Active Member

    I’m so sorry you are in this situation with your son. Being a parent is never easy and when they are supposed to be adults and independent but they aren’t.... well it’s not what we imagined when we had them as sweet babes. If only we knew what would work we would do it but unfortunately there is no magic answer, we all find different ways to deal and figure it out... or not!

    I offer only my empathy and the advice I would give is to make sure you keep talking and sharing and reAching out as being alone and isolating is what we do and it never helps.

    Keep posting and you will find strength in the support here.

    Take care...
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  7. Littleboylost

    Littleboylost On the road unwanted to travel

    I am so sorry you are in such a predicament. It is so very hard for us as sober parents to see our children go through this agony.

    I agree that you may benefit from seeking some therapy for yourself.

    Know that you are not alone. As parents we get caught up in the fear, obligation and guilt that comes with these terrible situations. We refer to it as FOG. We need to remind ourselves that we did not cause these troubles. We can not control them nor can we cure them. Sometime having our children face the consequences of their behaviour is the only chance they have of seeking to improve.

    Not an easy place to be and you are not alone.
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