The problem with kids swearing, is multiple. First, where do they learn it? I have to admit, easy child picked up a few choice words from me. I remember one conversation with her when she was about 4, I was telling her not to say $h**. I said, "It doesn't sound good coming from the mouth of a nice little girl like you. Do you know what the word means? It means 'poo'."
She thought about it and then said, "Is that why you say it when difficult child 1 has a dirty nappy?"
She also was in long day care, surrounded by people NOT me, including other kids, where bad words were uttered at various times by various people for various reasons. It is very difficult for a kid to learn to use appropriate language when it is hard to work out what is appropriate and what is not. Once they start school it gets far, far worse. Especially with boys. I remember getting a note home from difficult child 3's teacher (who is a neighbour and friend, knows us well and knows that I do NOT swear - not since that talk with easy child!) and her note was telling us that we had to teach difficult child 3 to not use bad words to his classmates, they would not want to play with him if he called them bad names. When I found out what the words were, they were clearly words that had been first used directed at difficult child 3, so how else could he have learned them? And that was on the teacher's watch!
Mow there is the third reason why people in general do swear - it is because it eases pain. Both emotional pain and physical pain. This has been scientifically tested - if you are in pain and you swear, it makes the pain easier to tolerate, than if you do not swear. My mother used to wash mouths out for using phrases like "shut up" so you can imagine how strict she was over language. She would deal with it in multiple ways. So I learned very early, to substitute. I would find words which in my mind I would label as swear words. I remember "sugar" was one for a while, until one day in the church vestry I slammed my hand in the door, yelled out "SUGAR!" really loudly, and got a glare from the minister's wife. She knew what I had really meant!
So you have three major problems in trying to stop kids swearing.
1) your own example.
2) other people's examples, including other kids whose parents/teachers are not so vigilant. This also includes the influence of the media.
3) swearing really does make it feel better.
Your own vigilance, which requires your physical presence, your personal observation in the moment and your immediate action, cannot counter all this. Especially as your child gets older, and peer pressure becomes more important. Also as the kids get older, they are no longer clinging to your skirts but instead are out climbing trees, hanging around with their mates, etc.
So I do not believe that any greater use of soap would have worked with Cory, Janet. When it comes to swearing, it is very difficult, if not impossible, to direct the eventual language use of our adult children.
My adult kids do occasionally swear in front of me. However, I object to over-use of swear words because it shows a lack of creativity. My kids learned to be creative and substitute, or to choose a better word especially if describing someone. husband has joined in - someone I was discussing with husband on Saturday, would normally have been described as a B****. husband referred to her as a "brain-dead troglodyte".
It was a far more apt label, and immensely more satisfying. This then gave a much bigger payoff, and reinforces the not swearing option.
easy child used to refer to herself as a B****. She meant it in positive terms. I remember a counsellor taking her to task, the counsellor said that to keep labelling herself with a negative word, would have negative effects on her self-esteem. But easy child insisted that for her, it was a positive term. She eventually modified it to "Babe In Total Control of Herself".
Soap not only will not prevent this in the long term, it is increasingly raising eyebrows in CPS circles.
Substitution and education have worked better for us - when difficult child 3 got the note sent home about his language ("f*gg*t retard") I explained what both those words meant. I had trouble explaining the first one, but I was able to point out that because he was still so very young, and because a person's sexual orientation was nobody else's business anyway, that mentioning it was irrelevant. As for the second word, I helped him see that it was laughable. I was also able to help him understand that generally the kid who called him those names first, was only revealing his own fears about himself - he had to attack difficult child 3 verbally, because he himself did not feel very intelligent and knew he couldn't make himself smarter, but could make difficult child 3 feel more stupid. difficult child 3 never used either of those words again. Mind you, he WILL use other choice words if a kid is being mean to him. He does use swear words. I challenge him if he over-uses, I tell him that in my house I am entitled to not have to hear such offensive words. If he wants to swear, he needs to do it in such a way as to not offend innocent bystanders.
I've also found that swearing in other languages can be just as satisfying. I have been told that Yugoslav is the most satisfying language in which to swear. You just have to make sure you choose an alternative language that does not have fluent speakers nearby. a Yugoslav/Australian girl I worked with used to swear in Yugoslav, feeling quite safe in the knowledge that few people would understand her. She told us how she was skiing one day, fell badly and swore in Yugoslav. There was only one skier nearby; he flew past, then came back. "OOH, what you just said!"
Yes, he understood Yugoslav!
I learned a few choice words in a number of languages when I worked with that girl. It has been an enlightening experience!
Marg
