This is a hot topic in Australia at the moment. A daytime chat show on TV this morning, "Mornings With Kerri-Anne", dealt with it.
Here is a promo paragraph from the show website:
"It's a debate that always fires up parents. Should you be allowed to smack your kids? Smacking children is illegal in several countries and now in a new campaign our Government is telling parents not to smack. Most parents don't like to be told how to raise their kids and it's renewed the debate about whether mums and dads are damaging their kids if they dish out physical punishment. Joining us is resident psychologist Ian Wallace. "
I've seen Ian Wallace on this show before. He's a psychologist and author of a book on kids with ADD. The outcome of his talk today flew in the face of our current government campaign against ALL spanking, regardless. His conclusions - the majority of parents admit to at least an occasional smack. He feels our government is making it harder to parent, if they keep legislating like this, because it takes away the parental input into the particular situation. However, he did make it clear that in his opinion there is a big dividing line between abuse, and an occasional pat on the bottom. He spelt it out - never smack out of anger or frustration. Never smack to hurt, only to give a short, sharp message to emphasise discipline already in process. Never smack without warning. ("I've told you to not do that - if you do it again you will get a smack.") Never smack harder than a hand (ie no belts, folks). It shouldn't be happening too often, or it's being done for the wrong reasons and it's also losing effectiveness. It then begins to teach the child that violence is the way. This bloke said that the occasional, appropriate smack won't do this, but smacking often, especially with older children and especially for the wrong reasons, will.
And once they become capable of being talked to and understanding, you can stop smacking as a discipline entirely, because it's not only no longer needed, but there are many other reasons why they're getting too old for it.
It was interesting, because our TV programs have been full, lately, of how to never smack again, and few people feel brave enough to admit to smacking occasionally. But all it's doing is driving it underground, unless someone comes out and acknowledges it, as Wallace did today.
My older three kids went to a child care centre five days a week. At this centre they NEVER smacked. Against all regulations. So we adopted their techniques at home, as much as we could. We still smacked but far less often than we would have without the Centre setting the pro forma in place, and without their ongoing pattern to follow. We also were able to cut out smacking entirely, much younger.
BUT - we did observe that in SOME families where the parents disciplined without smacking, but instead hunkered down beside their misbehaving child and talked to them, not only did this do nothing to stop the problem behaviours, but this attention was actually rewarding them. I recall a time when a two year old girl ran over to difficult child 3, clobbered easy child 2/difficult child 2 and pushed her over. I rushed over to pick up easy child 2/difficult child 2 and was holding her in my arms, comforting her (and checking out the bruises). The mother of the two-year-old squatted down beside her little girl, put her arm around her and said gently, "Honey, we don't do that sort of thing. That's not kind. Why did you hit her and push her over? You need to say sorry to her..." etc. This little girl was leaning in to her mother's hold but not looking at her - I could see the girl's face but her mother couldn't (she was holding the girl in front of her). The little girl had a look of triumph on her face - "I've got my mummy holding me, too." I must admit, the palm of my hand was itching.
Nothing the mother was saying seemed to penetrate. Instead, the little girl was getting a cuddle. Meanwhile her twin sister, currently NOT getting a cuddle despite having been behaving herself, began to look around for someone to hit or push over!
Seventeen years later easy child 2/difficult child 2 is now good friends with these two girls who HAVE turned out OK, although one is definitely difficult child. The child who seemed to do most of the hitting as a toddler was also the one who seemed to need the most reassurance and cuddles from her parents. she's been slow developmentally and the 'talking' method may have just gone straight in one ear and out the other, if her comprehension was as far behind her sister's as we now believe. But they were both horrors until about six or seven, when the talking method finally began to actually work. And by then, of course, it was boring for them and didn't sink in for longer.
Not that the method itself is at fault - it was the way these parents embraced it as the 100%. "works every time in every situation" method, without thinking what their behaviour in general was doing to undermine the very discipline they were trying to set up.
The girls (especially one of them) were just too young to understand that method at that time in their lives. If the parents had wanted to avoid smacking there were still other ways they could have handled things, such as removing the offending child and isolating them for a brief period (without giving cuddles right then).
Amy, your son sounds too old for smacking. He's also himself aware that it's unacceptable according to a number of authorities. It means that it is high time for this to stop. His father sounds like he could be smacking in anger and frustration, and for the wrong reasons. He should not be using a belt. Your son is already commenting (his motives are not relevant - he is aware, that's enough). It has to stop because it's no longer appropriate or effective.
Next opportunity that this happens, take a photo of the bruises. Call his dad and tell him that he has to find another way. Find a book to recommend, or a DVD. Because if he doesn't find an alternative, it may not be you that reports him, it could be a teacher, a friend's parent or anybody. This isn't a threat, because you could have already reported him. If someone else reports him and you have done nothing, then you will be in trouble too. Hence- tell him. That is doing something, at least.
If your ex will be open to it, try to find some constructive alternatives you can pass on to him. He also needs to have his new partner on the same page with this because otherwise any change simply won't happen.
Good luck!
Marg
