Staying in the Moment . . .

Discussion in 'Failure to Thrive' started by Gail, Nov 1, 2017.

  1. GStorm

    GStorm Becoming Independent

    I had a huge fight with my son, age 32, who was just released from the hospital on Saturday. He had a suicidal plan and was in for 10 days. My son is a huge procrastinator. He has lied, cheated, stolen, and kept things secret. When he got out, I told him if he ever did that again we were done. The feedback I got was to not make empty threats. This is not an empty threat. Lying, cheating, stealing, and keeping secrets to me are not acceptable behavior. He is staying with me through Nov 8th. He is doing well and we are getting along well; however, he still tries to split hairs about issues. Ex. "I thought you were getting the rest of your things." "No, I said I was just getting some of them." So we argued about that. (I know, I know I am the one arguing. However, I get so mad about him being on the edge, it really tries my patience.) He was going to make a list and talk to me about his plan. This has not happened. He says," I can't fix this overnight, which I understand, but, he really does not do what he says he is going to do and does it by "being just on the edge."
    (as I call it). BUT, we made up and are trying to get through these next few days as loving and as respectful as we can be to each other. Yes, he is trying & so am I. I think I am still in shock about all of this and amazed that he would be spending money on porn when he had no income. Yesterday, he found out that the roommate, (who had to be evicted while my son was in the hospital and knew nothing about the issue of him spending money recklessly), took his guitar, the amp, his TV, play station, and vinyl records to hock so he could pay for a new security deposit. I think my son was more upset about that than what he has done to me, , my friend, his other family members, and this guy. I tried to be patient and all I said was, " I am sorry that happened; however, those are the consequences one must pay." I really do know that my son is trying,
    I also know that I have been dealing with his irresponsibility (point for him: he has always worked until he got fired....but he also quit his job one time for 3 months and guess who picked up the slack?), and I am trying to love him and support him, but I can only do that for so much. I have to think about caring for myself. Thanks for those of you who read this. This is a great place to get this off of my chest. I know I
    need to work on my issues of wanting to fix. It is very, very hard. I pray every day for strength.
     
  2. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    At 32, your son is not a wayward kid. He knows right from wrong and if he doesnt do it, it is more that he wont than that he cant. Dont fall for his "it takes time." What takes time? Working anf paying for your own stuff? Realizing that you dont hurt people? He knows he shouldnt. He doesnt have to. He just does. You are more patient thsn me. My oldest was a little like yours, but nowhere near as extreme and a less skilled con artist. At 21 i made him leave and he was lucky his dad took him in. He stopped the stealing, has a good job now, and can still be difficult, but he is a caring father and lives a few states away. He is 40 today (its his birthday) and he is lucky he got it together. At 40, he is too old for me to be patient if he is awful. I refuse to talk to him if he so much as raises his voice and he likes to stay in close touch so usually he is polite.

    How many second chances does a 32 year old need before you understand that right now he is not nice and needs to Come to Jesus (not in the religious sense) and decide that it is best for himself and his loved ones to stop, stop, stop destroying others. Drugs an issue?

    I am sorry to sound harsh, if I do. I tend to have more patience for a struggling twenty year old and believe bad behavior becomes more ingrained and a part of the persons fiber if they retain bad behavior into the late 20s/30s. Your son is trying because he doesnt want yoh to throw him out. There is a gain for him to try. Does he act steeped in remorse for what he did? He should be full of remorse. If not, he could lack empathy. If he lacks empathy, he may not care about anyone but himself. If he has no remorse, you likely should protect yourself from him. Dont tell him what you WILL do if at 32 he doesnt stop lying or stealing. Do it. I think it is risky to have him in your home.

    You have a life too. You can spend the rest of it trying the same ole same ole trying to fix this man, but no matter how hard you try you wont succeed. You will destroy the rest of your life and go down with him. But you wont fix him. He has to want to change and do it himself. Do you have other loved ones, friends, hobbies, interests? Your loved ones who are kind to you need you. You need to be kind to yourself too.

    The only person you can fix is yourself. I highly recommend private therapy. This dance of stress needs to stop or it could kill you. You need positivity in your life, not this.

    I wish you well. No mother should ever be abused and violated from a child. Its up to you but you dont need to put up with this. You cant be there forever even if you want to. All of us will die one day.

    Hugs!
     
  3. GStorm

    GStorm Becoming Independent

     
  4. GStorm

    GStorm Becoming Independent

    You ARE ABSOLUTELY RIGHT!!!!
    You are giving me the feedback I need, some that my family has told me....just did not want to hear it. I am VERY ANGRY at myself.
    Thank you, G
     
  5. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    Use that anger, hold on to it for a while, at least as long as he is in your home. He is going to try to stay in your home. I predict he is going to not want to leave your home if you have been the easier parent on him in the past. Do NOT let him stay a minute past the time that he is supposed to leave! Don't tell him ahead of time that he will have to leave. Stop giving warnings about anything. They never did any good in the past anyway. Just follow through. Make it happen. That will help both of you. It will help him grow up (what he needs to do - no matter your issue, life doesn't wait for anyone) and it iwll help you regain your life.

    Then you can spend your time being your cat's servant, as you should. It is what all of us humans who are owned by cats are supposed to do!
     
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