stealing

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by saultwendy, May 26, 2017.

  1. saultwendy

    saultwendy New Member

    Hi. This is my first post. I'm struggling not to cry. My 15- year-old ADD, Learning Disability (LD) daughter has been stealing from my wallet pretty regularly for the past two years. Last summer discretely stole using my credit card- small amounts that didn't really register until she did a big shopping trip. All in all, we estimate about 1000.00 dollars worth of stuff. We have taken privileges away, talked, had her do chores to earn money to pay us back etc. NOTHING makes her stop! As soon as she feels she really needs something, she finds a way to steal again. I just found out that she created an uber account simply by taking a photo of my debit card! I am just so sad. Any advice to help her stop just taking what she wants without considering consequences. Thanks
     
  2. pasajes4

    pasajes4 Well-Known Member

    How does she have access to your wallet? I think I would start there.
     
  3. DoneDad

    DoneDad Active Member

    Sorry you're in such a tough situation. Our daughter didn't start stealing from us until she was over 18, and we pressed charges. With your daughter being a minor, I don't know if that's an option.

    It seems like the first option would be to deny her access to any financial information. Get a safe and lock everything up. Change all your passwords. Don't let her use the computer you use, or even access the same wifi network. My credit card from Chase has the option to send me an email notification whenever it's used for over a certain amount (you specify the amount), when it's used online or at a gas station. See if you can do that. The credit reporting services like Experian let you put a hold on opening new accounts. Maybe pare down the number of cards you have so they're easier to keep track of. Get a lock for your bedroom door. I know it sounds extreme, but if she's 15 you can't kick her out, and you know she's a pretty sophisticated identity thief, so you've got to protect yourself.

    Do you know why she's stealing? Drugs? Buying friends? For the thrill of it? Entitlement?

    Once you cut off her opportunities to access your financial information, you can try to figure out why she's doing it, but the first step should be to stop the bleeding.
     
  4. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I would lock up everything financial in a safe box (and valuables will also need to be locked up). To me it sounds scarily like anti social personality disorder traits and if they are she will take what she wants and steal identities etc and not feel guilt. Does she show remorse about anything?

    Protect yourself. She sounds very devious for such a young girl. Protect others in the house from her stealing too.

    Done Dad had excellent suggestions. Please do all he said. You can't trust her.
     
  5. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    I agree that you must lock everything up. I also agree that she must work to pay off everything. She also must lose ALL privileges. I do mean ALL. THis meansI ALL electronics are GONE. NO computer usage at home or school. Tell school that she is to have zero use of the computer because she uses it for theft. Yes, it is not fun, but you didn't steal so it is not your shame. It is hers. If they tell you that they cannot teach her without the internet, tell them that is not your problem. They can give her alternate lessons of some kind. She just cannot put her hands on a keyboard.

    With summer coming up, lock up the computer in your trunk. You can actually put the router in your trunk each morning before work and take it with you so she cannot go online while you are gone. Take any tablets, phones, etc... that she has also. I would not even leave an e-reader for her. she can read a book. Take the tv away by unplugging the cable box and removing it also. Keep ALL financial paperwork in a safe that you keep away from her. Let her know that you will NOT be allowing her to get driving lessons at any time in the near future due to her theft and impulsivity. She is in no way ready.

    I suggest she not have a purse, not be allowed to have any money that you or her father don't know about (if you don't know about it ahead of time, it is forfeit to you), she cannot go into stores alone, she cannot go to stores with friends, she cannot go into stores with anything in her pockets, she cannot go into stores without you checking her pockets, she cannot walk away from you in a store. She cannot go into the bathroom while you shop. She must wait until you can go with her.

    No, none of this is fun for you. You don't want to treat her like a toddler. I wouldn't let her go out with friends. I woudl keep her grounded all summer for a theft of $1000. Especially if it is multiple thefts adding up to that amount and no real remorse. I would be taking her to the animal shelter and other places to volunteer when you have time. Places she can clean up things and do menial labor and hard work. That is what the court would have her do as community service. At least in my community that is what would happen if you pressed charges against her, unless they sent her to juvenile jail which is the worst thing they could do. Juvie would just make her a worse criminal and would not teach her anything. One of my kids had to do community service and I had to go with them. They were underage so I had to sit there the whole time. I chose the animal shelter so at least I could play with the animals while my kid cleaned cages. Then after a birthday my kid was old enough to work at the Y without supervision. So for 1/4 of the time I didn't have to sit there.
     
  6. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    One thing my kids HATED was that I always insisted that if you stole you had to return the item and pay for it also. Or if you used it up, you had to pay double the price. It never mattered to me if it was $1 or $100, those were the rules. It seems to stick. I realize that might give your daughter a hefty price tag to pay off, but it also might scare her.

    Is she using drugs? Is that what she is stealing for? Those questions just occurred to me. It is possible at her age that she is using and you don't know it. Where was she going with that Uber? What has she been charging to your card? What other people's cards has she been using? Have other relative's and neighbor's cards been charged? She could be using any neighbor's card very easily. It is vastly easier to find out how to steal someone's identity from youtube than you think. If she wants to learn how, she is well on her way. Given that she has done so much already, you might want to get a multipanel drug test from the drugstore and test her just to be sure.

    I am sorry to have to suggest these things.
     
  7. Praecepta

    Praecepta Active Member

    1. Call the police on her. She is a criminal and a thief! Stop letting her "off the hook". Also inform her you are going to do this next time.

    2. In hardware stores they sell "electrical tape" - in the electrical department. Cut a strip of that tape and place it over the numbers on your credit card. Then no one can take a picture of your numbers. FYI people standing behind you in line at the store will take a picture of your credit card with their cell phone. Taping over the numbers prevents them from getting your number. And just peel back the tape a bit if a store clerk needs the last 4 digits.

    Note: Since I have placed tape over my credit card numbers, I've seen a couple of store clerks stare at the card like they did not know what to do (where you need to hand them the card). I could tell they were not pleased with the tape over the numbers! And they had NO REASON to see those numbers - just needed to slide the card in their machine. Another clerk tried peeling off the tape until I asked what he was doing.