I don't understand why he insults me and my child in front of her. Like he wants his ex to think that.
I don't understand it either. But he's not telling her to run and tell tales to her mother. She will be doing it anyway. ALL kids in her position would do this.
Whether this girl has an underlying disorder or not, her father's behaviour around her is very bad for her and is not doing her any favours. OK, we already know it's not doing you any favours either.
I'd love the chance to sit with him quietly (when his daughter is not around, when he gets to the "I want a hug" stage) and say to him, "No hug, until we talk about your behaviour to me at ANY time, and especially in front of your daughter. Don't you realise what you are doing to her? Even if you don't care about me, and your behaviour seems to show this whether or not it is true, you are doing your daughter a great deal of harm by letting her witness this. How can SHE learn to be polite to me, when you show her how to be rude?"
He screams at you. The natural tendency is to scream back in both frustration and self-defence, but when you do, it lowers you to his level and it then becomes a childish spat. Nothing then gets achieved.
There is nothing wrong with fighting in a marriage, as long as it is a fair fight, and the end result is a good resolution of the issues. That is not happening here.
His behaviour is classic childish difficult child at the moment. I find it fascinating that he changes back to Mr Nice Guy when his daughter is not around - why does he feel the need to "perform" for her? Or is this his way of saying to you, "See? YOU are the problem!"?
He can't be that bad - you chose him, there must have been something about him that attracted you, that you thought was worth committing to. So where do you think this behaviour of his (including the snipe abut your son, also in front of his daughter) is coming from? Is he trying to 'prove' something to her? Is is possible that his daughter is always whining to him that "you take her side" and he's trying to prove her wrong when she's around? In which case - again, he is trying to appease her without even really thinking about what he is doing. Or is it because he is himself wound up like a spring, and the sound of the plate dropping caused this impulsive reaction? I know some people will react that way to a sudden loud sound, especially if it's related to something getting damaged. In someone immature, or who had a rough time when younger, they react loudly and defensively (some people attack to defend) in order to deflect blame from themselves.
I'm surprised he stayed in the room with you after making that comment - I would have thought it would have been delivered as a parting shot and then he would have left the room, so you couldn't reply. But you left, he didn't. He followed. So he is feeling very uptight, very angry, and wanting to blame you for this bad feeling. In other words - he is reacting without thinking, and your responses to date haven't helped him think anything through. he is on automatic pilot and very reactive. So is she. And I think, at the moment at least, so are you. And this keeps the cycle going round and round.
You both need to talk (seriously talk) and I suspect you need to do this (now) in front of an independent mediator. You need to really learn how to argue productively and to also work as a team. If this is not possible, get out now. But if you have a try and realise, in a few months time, that even with all this effort you can't make it work, then at least YOU will heave learned how to argue productively (which also means politely standing up for yourself and making him come back and really resolve those things he said - now, buddy!) then you will be a stronger person and with a greater chance of success in future relationships (including relationships with your kids).
Your son - he is old enough to want to desperately defend his mother, but he is holding back. I think if he stepped in to try to correct your husband, it would be a bad thing indeed. And I think your son (to his credit) knows this and this is also why he is staying so silent on so many levels. Your husband doesn't know how lucky he is... but this is not good for your son, for him to see this going on.
Kids need to see healthy arguing. They need to be shielded from unhealthy arguing. And what you describe - it's unhealthy. For absolutely everybody, even the dog (if you have one).
Enjoy your break. I think you will need to do this again, soon.
Marg