Step difficult child

[Jena]

hi

yup another difficult child in my world, only partially though. husband's oldest daughter. who from day one has been a huge problem for us. she is explosive has caused so much upset the past several years. she doesn't come here anymore thank god.

so past year and a half it's been calm because she doesn't come here. yet now christmas is approaching and quite honestly she'll be here wish she wouldnt' be. i do not like her at all and have to fake it. i know that's terrible.

shes lives on drama loves chaos and as of late has been talking about easy child's boyfriend to the younger kids at their home and to other kids in school. her and easy child go to the same school.

so, we let it go. easy child got very mad yet we decided if we handled it we'd make it worse. than today easy child comes home to announce how my stepdaugher stuck her middle finger up at easy child as they passed eachother in the hallway.

i can't stand this kid. seriously. in the past years i've tried everything i could to acclimate her, took her for manicures, shopping spent time with-all the girls you name it. yet she'd still bad mouth me, yell at me, start drama. so when she stopped coming it was a sigh of relief.

so now with this new piece of info. husband and i discussed it and i said to him you gotta talk to her. honestly i'm enraged at this little piece of work. she texts me her xmas list the other day than goes after MY kid. WTF.

i hope husband plants her and she pulls her usual i'm not coming for xmas because i dont' like your wife. Would LOVE that.

just what we all need more drama in our home. she's a punk this child. has serious problems and is exactly like her mother.

 

[Marguerite]

Part of it is "like mother like daughter" but a big par of it has to be, what does she hear in her own home about you, husband and your kids? Kids in their teens tend to be ridiculously loyal to any parent they feel was wronged in a divorce; they take sides even when they shouldn't and some parents actually encourage this. It makes them feel better if a child of theirs, apparently independently, makes their preferences clear. It's an ego boost and often it can seem to be purely the child expressing their own independent opinion. But kids are smart they know what sells. It is so easy to reinforce this sort of behaviour unknowingly; do it knowingly and it's even easier.

She really does sound like a madam with an overdeveloped sense of entitlement. There could even be an element of "you owe me, for breaking up my stable home". I agree with a firm line being needed with her. But in your dealings keep reminding yourself that the only information she has about you and your family, is form a very skewed point of view from her mother. I would suggest husband take the line with her, that what she hears at home is not the whole picture, and she should find out the rest of the situation and make up her own mind, and not simply be her mother's mouthpiece. Any problems between husband and her mother are between the two of them, she should stay out of it utterly. It's nothing to do with stepGFG, nothing to do with easy child, they should stay off each other's cases. Out of each other's lives, if stepGFG can't behave.

I remember a good friend of mine taking sides in her parents' divorce. She also recruited us (we were all about 13 or 15 at the time) to be publicly mean to her mother and new stepfather. It was her stepfather who sorted it out for me - he came over to me (I'd been calling rude remarks) and said, "What is your problem with me? I hardly know you. I've never done anything to you, to make you so mean to me. Is it because you're friends with X? I know she is angry with her mother, and now with me, because her parents broke up. But that is between us, the adults in the picture. It has nothing to do with X and even less to do with you. So why not give me a chance, eh? Or at least make up your own mind about me, and let X sort out her own issues."

He was very polite to me, considering I had been so rude to him. About that time (for various mostly unrelated reasons) I lost contact with X anyway. I remember when I told her I would no longer be part of being mean to him, she just shrugged and indicated she was OK with my defection. I was beginning to realise she had a lot of unresolved issues which her parents (custodial father as well as her mother) should have sorted out for her. I hope they did.

Marg

 

[Jena]

i agree with-you 100%. her mom, his ex has bad mouthed me and my kids for years now and husband. it's a never ending spiral. she's learned from the best. i truly believe alot of step daughter's bs is learned behavior from mom. although we know how it originated she is 15 now knows the difference somewhat and each holiday honestly this is what we go thru with-her. always drama, she thrives on it, so does mom. they live and feed off of it. so now christmas is coming and step daughter cant' just come here spend a nice day and get gifts and go home happy she has to make sure to create some drama.

husband called her and simply said ok enough what your doing isnt' right and stop it, she is your step sister whether you like it or not. family is family. so with that, the ex began texting husband telling him how wrong he is, etc. than the daughter texting saying how she isnt' coming for xmas and how he has to bring her gifts like he did last year and sit there with-his ex while she opens them. ok mistake we made last year and husband told her no if you want your gifts you gotta come here i'm not sitting there in your house with-your mother.

so, for now it's handled. now we're coming up with-a plan on xmas how to handle possible drama to contain it and so that we can have a stress free holiday. which is a real hard thing to do when his ex and kid kick up. they've tortured us almost every holiday. his ex is hard to explain. she's a really mixed up woman. she i strongly always thought should not be allowed to have custody of those kids. she's done some serious damage. its' amazing how there is always some level of stress. i told husband we cant' control what ex and your daughter does, yet we can control our responses to minimize our already overflowing cups with-stress and drama. god knows we have enough here in our home. we are both getting older and need to stay healthy and alive.

 

[HaoZi]

Whoa, she acts like that, then texts YOU with her wishlist instead of husband? You handled that a lot more nicely than I would have.

 

[Bunny]

I think that you are better woman that I am to be dealing with your step daughter, but I think that you were right to have husband call his daughter and tell her to knock it off.

I hope that your holiday is stress free. Maybe she'll just come and sulk in a chair somewhere and keep her mouth shut? There is always hope!

Pam

 

[Jena]

i try with all i have to keep in mind she is a kid still a difficult child kid none the less. receieves no therapy no medications no nothing for her problems. that is because his ex won't; make the time to take any of them. it is hard, i have to admit i should of been more capable yesterday of letting it roll off yet i got very mad could feel my chest tightening. easy child is my pain in the butt yet stil my child. she deals with-enough drama in our home over what we've been going thru and find it sickening she has to handle anything else from his kid.

It isn't easy, and yes she text me her "santa" list days ago (by the way after she talks to the little one's her brother's and sister) who come here each week about how much she hates me. yup she's an absolute nightmare. i hate that i have to spend another holiday with her. husband and i both def. bring alot of **** to the table with this marriage that is for sure.

plus i thought ok what do i hope to gain by planting a 15 year old kid? i would only get into a debate and argument with-her pyscho mom. nothing i ever do or say will change either one of them. i'll just give myself stress i dont' need and neither of them are worth it

 

[BusynMember]

I come from another perspective because I've talked a lot to my own kids who didn't like husband (stepdad). They are grown now. It is very hard for any kid to adjust to a new honey in the parent's life. They don't like that mom and dad are not together, let alone sleeping with somebody else and maybe having babies with him...in your case, your k ids live with their dad, not them. I deliberately found a man with no kids, and it was still very hard. My kids did not accept him or his authority until he totally backed off and, of course, years later, now that they matured, everyone does get along. Although she sounds spoiled and entitled, stepdaughter's life has been a mess...divorce does that to kids...it did it to MY kids so I've seen it. My daughter took drugs and I am sure it was partly due to being split between two different parents. That never feels that secure. If is even more confusing if ex is demeaning you (which I also think is common), but it confuses the kids even more.

I don't have any answers, but I do send my empathy because we lived through it. I wish I had magic words of wisdom, except "this too shall pass." And it probably will. But it may take a long time.As unbelievable as it sounds right now, the two of you may actually get along well when she grows up. My most resistant child to my husband is now his biggest cheerleader. Often he compares him favorably to his own father. So give it time and don't get upset.. Like you said, it won't change anything and it's not worth the grief.

 

[Jena]

midwest mom sorry to hear you went thru the step family thing as well in a sense with your husband. it isnt' easy in any way at all. the kids dont' live with us, their only here 2x a week with-us. they live with their mother and mother's partner, mom came out of closet 5 years ago and announced she was gay. yup alot of junk kids went thru.

little ones and i are solid, they love me i love them and mom's influence hasnt' won out i got them early on so that has a huge advantage to it. the oldest, no in no way do i want a relationship with-her in the future. she has been a huge huge problem since day 1 and it's never stopped. she is manipulative, explosive, i have no clue what her problem is yet there's alot there. behavioral possible because that's exactly what mom is. so alot of environmental factors there.

i just know i've taken my hits with this child, been threatened by her physically, verbally attacked on numerous occasions thank god difficult child wasn't around or easy child when it happened. one time going back years and years ago she actually had the nerve to slap difficult child when i ran to the store and husband was home with-all of them. let's just say that never happened again. this past summer we took all the kids camping rented a cabin for 4 days. and yes step daughter started with easy child there as well.

i am polite in her presence, would never be anything but. yet when she treats me badly she is removed from our home by husband. this has not happened in a long time because she's chosen not to come here. which honestly both husband and i are ok with. when she is here or was years ago there is that extra layer of drama that none of us need. once we got her out things calmed. was good.

so husband's and my plan for xmas is if she does come and begins in anyway to act inappropriately he will calmly get her attention put her in the truck and deliver her to her mother's house. i will not have my kids holiday ruined due to her.

 

[Marguerite]

Good plan.

Marg

 

[Jena]

lol thanks!!!

 

[BusynMember]

Jena,
Sounds like a plan...lol. Glad you get along with the younger ones. I'm sure the kids are confused about their mom and her partner...kids are very conservative. But you don't need to put up with abuse and sounds like your husband is in your corner Remember..."This Too Shall Pass" )

Enjoy all the love you DO have and try, TRY to detach when this one is acting like she acts. Take care!

On a trivial note: I also hope your daughter's puppy is recovering well

 

[Jena]

yea i gotta detach cause if i dont' i'd like to drive my truck into his ex's house. wow did i say that?? lol yup i did

my little puppy mill puppy now has a massive ear infection, two dog's are well though. our big guy's back to running away and the puppy is funny pretty easy yet he's an aggressive little thing so i'm working on that with-difficult child to break him.

 

[AnnieO]

Wow... I so get exactly where you are coming from.

We've had to deal with "little spy" for years. Since BM originally had residential (shared parenting though), she told the kids all kinds of stuff. Denied visits and then told them he never showed up or he cancelled. On one memorable occasion when Jett asked about Bubbles, she told him Bubbles was dead (and the pup is alive, well, and definitely a difficult child). She "never" got support from husband. I was the reason they split up (kids had some problems with this, as they knew husband didn't meet me till way after the split; but Onyxx still tried to believe it).

They wanted BM to love them so much they would do anything for that love. Jett, not so much - because he never knew when he was going to get to see Daddy again, and pretty much is off in his own little world. Onyxx, though, spied, stole, created drama, lied... It was horrible. (And during the last 2 years she was being molested by BM's boyfriend, but figured it was worth it if BM loved her.)

And then one day... We had gone to court, because we had a restraining order on BM's boyfriend (due to the abuse of Onyxx)... And Onyxx wanted her stuff from BM's house. So husband went over there, took the kids, and a peace officer. When BM showed up she started screaming at husband. Refusing to let Onyxx have anything. And something finally clicked in Onyxx's 13-y/o brain - OMG! (husband was on the phone that evening with the lawyer when Onyxx looked up and said... "My Mommy is an itch-bay". husband and I just lost it laughing - I mean, what can you do?!)

The next few months were a bit odd. The major tension in our house was GONE. But Onyxx was still sorting through her feelings. On the one hand, she still wanted BM to love her. On the other, she didn't understand what she could have done to make BM hate her so much. That's settled some. But she and I have talked, and agree - she hates her mom, and loves her too. And this is OK.

So keep in mind - stepGFG is a little older, has heard a lot. She may "get it" - or she may not. You and husband have an excellent plan. And you know what? Let HIM shop for her... IF he wants to. I mean, naughtiness deserves lumps of coal, right?!

 

[Jena]

sorry you went thru it too. it's soo taxing, right? you and court thats' alot of stress for anyone. i guess i should consider myself lucky he doesnt' have custody. honestly i wouldnt' of married him with-her being who she is. i would of walked away.

yea i'm not shopping for her, not to be a witch yet i just cant' bring myself to pick out junk for her. i'm soo protective over my kids. when she did that to easy child i'm telling you i was foaming at the mouth like a wild animal lol. no matter how much of a pain in the butt easy child is she's my pain in the butt and that other miserable kid has no place doing anything to her.

easy child was like no dont' defend me please it's embarrassing lol. she handled her though. over the phone and i have to stay planted her well no verbal attacks as far as cursing goes, no fat jabs because shes' a large girl. ihate when she does the weight thing thats just wrong. she just planted her almost like a grown up. good for her. unfortunate that my choice of husband had to bring her yet again bs from this miserable kid, yet i guess there is good and bad in all things. wait till his kid finds out easy child is working at the restaraunt this weekend. oh my she will flip out.

 

[Marguerite]

Interesting - Jena, are you saying step difficult child is a big girl? And I gather easy child is not? That could be a larger factor than you realise, perhaps the last straw for step difficult child.
We saw something similar here, with easy child 2/difficult child 2 (who is tiny, very slim with a perfect figure to everyone else except herself). The kids all used to catch the school boat, it's a half hour trip after school every day. Like school bus only they can get up and move around - bullying can be a much bigger issue. And on the boat were two girls, sisters, whose mother is a friend of mine. We don't have "poor white trash" technically in Australia, but this family would come close. Here, we call a mix of poor white trash and redneck, "Westie" for Sydney's western suburbs. Only it's not race-based, and it's not income-based. It's very much a state of mind which I personally loathe even though some of my family are Westie. Anyway, these girls are very Westie and have HUGE chips on their shoulders. Also they are very large, overweight (due to very unhealthy diet all their lives plus some heredity) and resentful, very, of easy child 2/difficult child 2 looking perfect. They really targetted her. In a different universe, easy child 2/difficult child 2 has quietly said, she would love to take those girls shopping to help them find clothes that would make them look good - instead, these girls go through summer wearing fluorescent stretch lycra which hides nothing of the muffin tops.

I'm absolutely certain that these girls were attacking easy child 2/difficult child 2 because not only is she very slim (and they are not) but she could sit on the boat eating junk food and stay slim. Also she is always meticulous about her appearance and always looked like a model. I suspect the big girls were BORN with insulin resistance. They just had to LOOK at a hot chip (sorry, fries) and gain weight. Interestingly, their little brother, who has an undeserved reputation around town as a bully, has been very kind to difficult child 3 and looks out for him. He's a lovely kid, although will stick up for himself aggressively, which is where his reputation comes from, I think.

Very sad - it's partly upbringing, very much environment (in germs of other people of influence in their environment) and often more complex than we realise.

Jena, good for easy child for handling it with such maturity. I wonder how step difficult child would react to easy child, if she were told that easy child was going to be asked to guide husband on a suitable gift for step difficult child?

Marg

 

[Jena]

his daughter has always been nasty. mom's exact to the tee same. she learned it all i strongly believe. his ex was and is very bad. i sometimes question him and say why oh why did you say or could you?

anyway you lost me at the end with-the gift thing? what are you talking about?? they just dont' realize how life short is and waste their time just hating and being mean.

 

[HaoZi]

That if she knew your easy child was going to be the one picking out her gift, maybe she'd learn to be a little nicer.