Still no further on

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by realangel, Dec 12, 2007.

  1. realangel

    realangel New Member

    Hi all,

    Well I've not been here for a while, I have been trying to rebuild my life this year in what was the worst and most traumatic year of my life!! I pray that no one I care for ever has to endure the same.

    A quick recap ...

    difficult child was arrested for assaulting SO in feb this year and threatening him with a knife and a piece of 4x4... the long and the short of it was that I refused to have him home as i felt unsafe and Both me and my family need to feel protected and secure in our own home. difficult child was placed in foster care and then in supported lodgings with support from various networks.


    difficult child was asked to leave supported lodgings as they felt they couldnt help him, SW asked me to have him home 'for a few days' while they sorted somewhere else out, i refused... once he was here he would never leave. SW found him a hostel that same day strange huh?

    We have been working with an agency to try and rebuild the relationship, but he still refuses to see me!! Last week was his birthday and he phoned me asking me to go see him (he wanted money) when i said i couldnt get there difficult child called me names and hung up and i havent heard from him since.

    So.. really we are no further along than we were that day in february! I feel that i did the wrong thing by not going to see him but my theory is if he doesnt want me the rest of the year he doesnt want me on his birthday? Plus he knows that we are to have supervised visits only (for my safety) and yet he wanted me to go alone to visit him. The last time i saw him was in the summer holidays as he wanted to see his sisters, and that was supervised. He has been asked every week if he will see me but refuses, his reason? he's not in the mood!!!

    I love him dearly and it still tears me apart every time he refuses to see me but what can i do?
  2. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    We had similar issues with M and my safety in particular. I wish I had some words of comfort for you, but it really doesn't better until they get better. M isn't better yet, either.

    I think that everything you mentioned here shows that you have done the right thing. If he wanted to get money or gifts from you for his birthday, he could have at least had the finesse to see you a few times beforehand and be nice to you first. Just because you're his mom doesn't mean he's entitled to have you at his beck and call for his pity party on his birthday. He's getting out of the relationship just what he invested in it. Big hugs to you.
  3. meowbunny

    meowbunny New Member

    Since he wanted to meet you alone and you and he are required to have supervised visits, it really doesn't matter that it was his birthday, anyway. He knew this and was doing his best to manipulate you into feeling guilty enough to give him what he wants.

    I'm sorry you are being forced to go through so much. I know how much it hurts to not have your child at home but at least I knew mine would be coming home at the end of her journey. I can only imagine your pain.

  4. realangel

    realangel New Member

    Its a strange feeling i have in me right now. For the first time since i dont know when i am able to go out to work and relax in the knowledge that school isnt going to ring me with one problem or another, and i am not having to take time off because he refuses to go to school and cannot be trusted in the home by himself (he lit a fire in his bedroom when i was downstairs 'for fun'), but at the same time there is this emptiness and the not knowing what he is doing.

    He is going to his bio dad for christmas because his dad felt sorry for him having no one on christmas day ... but bio dad wouldnt help when it was needed and actually called me all the names under the sun,even though he wouldnt take him in, so i know christmas day wont be ruined by difficult child ringing me up saying he is alone. :rolleyes:

    There is also the pain that my 'baby' boy doesnt want me, doesnt respect me, and to be honest i feel he actually hates me. I spent 16 years doing what i could for him, trying to help him develop into a nice young man and the only thanks i get is this..... all i can think of is i must have been very wicked in a former life if this is my punishment.

    BUT i stay strong for the other children, my easy child's and for SO who i dont think i could have coped without. I work hard to forget the pain..... so for 7 hours a day i am pain free, and for 3 hours every wednesday night i am laughing with other peoples children (some of which are difficult child's themselves) ... kids that love and adore their parents!

    I know things will get better ONE day .....
  5. Star*

    Star* call 911

    I'm so sorry you have to go through this. I can totally relate on every level. If it helps - you're doing the right thing by not buying into his sob story. My son was the worst he's ever been this year - it lead to me having a stroke.

    I can tell you that there is a funk going around especially with difficult child parents. I've canceled holiday celebrations for about the same reasons you aren't having difficult child at your house. My son will find out tomorrow he will spend Christmas alone. So be it. I'm not faking my way though another celebration for the "sake" of childhood memories. Someone told me they think he'll live - I hope he does.

    It isn't my hope to be an Ebenezer Scrooge stand in. I love Christmas. I love snow, packages, shopping, wrapping, baking, all of it. This year I'm just too worn out and that's okay. There will be no gifts for difficult child not because I wouldn't love to run out and get him things - but what is the point? It's never what he really wants, it's all mostly broken by New Years - and then he leaves the house to go who knows where and run with GOSH knows what doing - and see this is how I think.

    There may be a chance that he comes home, has a delightful holiday with us, never leaves the yard, enjoys the meal, gets a gift - and in MY MIND that's what I see. But reality jerks a knot in my knickers and paints a VERY different picture. One I know will most likely be repeated because every year I hope for the best, get the worst and end up trying to FIND a shining star out of it so I can cope.

    You aren't alone in your thoughts - just wanted you to know.

    Many Big Hugs
  6. realangel

    realangel New Member

    Thanks to all who have replied for your ongoing support. This Christmas is going to be a hard one as its the first time i havent had him with me and his sisters are going to find it particularly hard ... i have made a promise to myself to make it a happy time for all of us

    HUGS to you all at this time of year
  7. Suz

    Suz (the future) MRS. GERE

    I'm sorry, Lisa. It hurts to the bone when our kids say such stupid, mean things.

  8. HereWeGoAgain

    HereWeGoAgain Grandpa

    Here's lending my support and prayers for all of you struggling with the holidays.
  9. KFld

    KFld New Member

    I think you did the right thing by not going to see him on his Birthday. If he doesn't want to see you and respect you the other 364 days of the year, then why for his birthday?? Did he think maybe you'd bring him a nice gift perhaps??

    This holiday season is going to be hard and different for many of us this year, for many different reasons. Hopefully we can all pull each other together and make it a halfway decent one between all of us!!