witzend
Well-Known Member
I tried to post about this last week, and it got eaten up by the goblins. It's probably just as well, I know much more now than I did then.
You'll all probably remember that L wanted a baby was going to get married a year ago February to a much older man she had just met who owned a lumber mill in OR, and then two months later was with a different much older man from New Zealand living in OR and was going to marry him. She'd been weaning me out of her life for a few years, and asked for oodles of money for her wedding. When we told her we would only give her $1,000 she told me that I "was never much of a mother to her" and had her childhood pediatrician/lady who constantly testilied against me in custody matters stand as her mother of the bride. We moved to NC a week before her wedding, which we were not invited to. It's been a hard transition, but I have found other reasons that it is good for us to be here. I have financial goals that I think I can meet because of the pay/cost of living differences, and we're settling in, slow but sure.
Last weekend when husband and I were out shopping, his phone rang. It was L's dad, R. Of course husband stopped in his tracks and I kept moving, so it took a couple of minutes to catch up to husband saying "Yes, R, we're settling in well". I give husband the stink-eye and start giving the "CUT HIM OFF!" signal to him. Then I hear husband tell him the name of the small (10k) town we're in. I must look like Jerry in those Tom & Jerry cartoons when Jerry has pounded his thumb with the hammer. husband gives R his work address, sans suite number and zip code and hangs up. We're at the check-out.
R had called husband to say that L and her new husband N were ready to start their family and they wanted me to give them a sample of my DNA, my doctor records regarding my Muscular Dystrophy, and any past DNA test results that I have. This is where you all get a lesson in high finance genetic engineering...
There is a process prior to invitro called PGD or Pregenetic Determination testing. It runs about $40k - $50. I need to start this off by saying that this is not a genetic test. It's meant to narrow a field. Mind you, I know the foremost authority in this field so I was able to call and get the scoop on how all of this works. We all know that a child gets DNA from both parents, and each part of the DNA can come either from mom, or from dad. My particular type of Muscular Dystrophy, FSHD is what they call "autosomal dominant", and what that means is that if you get that particular genetic code from your one parent that has it, you get the disease. If you get it from the parent that doesn't, you don't get the disease. PGD testing is done on embryos, and in our case it's more of a "map" than a "test". My friend explained it to me like this:
In my house I have a green front door, and on the door is a round door knob and a lock. Outside my door is a driveway. Beyond the driveway is a mailbox, a sidewalk, and a fire hydrant. That's three things on each side of my driveway. In this test the driveway is where the genetic code for FSHD is. What they do is take an embryo that has divided up to 16 or 32 cells, and they pull out one or two of those cells. They have looked at the genetic code for each parent and have made markers for them. I have FSHD and mine is the one above. The other parent doesn't have FSHD and has a red front door, a thumb latch handle, and a mail slot with a driveway leading to a dirt road, a post and a telephone pole. We both have a driveway, though. What the test does is cut the driveway in half, and see what is on either side of the driveway. The less things that match to mine, if in fact none of them match to mine, the less likely that embryo has FSHD. The trick of this being that for this test to work with FSHD, you still have to do amnio at 12 - 15 weeks to determine if the gene was implanted. Then if you really don't want a child with FSHD, you get an abortion, and then you get to spend another $40k to $50k to test more eggs and another whatever for the IVF.
Enough science, and back to the store. I told husband to give me his phone. I don't have R's number anymore, I deleted ALL of that out of my phone a month or so ago. I called right back and it went to his work voicemail. I told him that I thought that L had made it pretty clear what she wanted her relationship with me to be and if she didn't have the nerve to call me herself she knew the answer as to whether or not I was going to give her my DNA, past test results and my doctors records!
So I go home and search my old junk email account where I had had everything forwarded to when we moved and before we got our new email address. Two weeks ago, R had sent me a nice breezy email hoping that I was well and informing me that "L and N are ready to start their family... I know that you and she may not see eye to eye but I'm sure you'll agree that it's better to help her do this than for her to have an abortion." Which, of course, it takes me ten minutes to find online isn't correct. There's nothing from L. They've gone with doctor know-it-all again who doesn't have a clue and are just running blind. I sent him back a quick note and told him that I was pretty sure that he wasn't the right one to ask this of me, and L had made her choice as far as I was concerned. I didn't see how I could possibly have made it any clearer than moving to NC without a forwarding address. Beyond that, I didn't have any inclination to help L become a parent, given that I couldn't imagine that I'd ever have a relationship with the child that would go beyond it being used as a baseball bat with which to bash me upside the head.
Of course, he wrote back that he found it difficult to believe that I would want any child, let alone my grandchild to be burdened with FSHD. I didn't and still haven't read beyond that. I talked to an attorney, who told me to write him a letter telling him to never contact me again, to not talk about me to anyone, and to make no disparaging remarks about me. I told him that the should tell L the same. I sent it Fed-Ex with a confirmed signature. It was delivered yesterday morning.
Last evening, my phone rang. It was L. I sent it to voicemail. I listened to it with husband this morning. She says "Hi, it's L. Um... N and I are in Arizona at a resort, and uh, the reception isn't very good. I need to talk to you, so, if you call me, leave a message, because I might not be able to answer, because, uh, the reception isn't very good" (I don't want to dress you down in front of my husband because I don't want him to know what a royal ----- I can be) "and I'll call you back, or, uh, I'll uh, call you." I texted her back to not ever contact me or husband again.
On a side note, we talked to M this week in conjunction with this. She asked him for DNA too, which he gave. Not that it will be of any use, but it's their money. M told us that he had not been invited to her wedding, nor had my parents, nor had R's wife. It was the last straw for R's wife and she left him. Does anyone disagree that this woman should not be breeding?
I'm sorry, guys. I just can't go through this with her again. And the %&^! if I'm giving my medical records to anyone - let alone her or her dad! husband and I are exhausted. I'm not sure if we're ill, or if we're just emotionally wiped out. Neither of us have any energy at all. He called in sick to work on Friday and he doesn't get sick pay. I can't hardly get him out of his chair in the other room. I'm good for maybe 6 hours awake a day, and then I just need to lie down. I know that we are doing the right thing. It just sucks...
You'll all probably remember that L wanted a baby was going to get married a year ago February to a much older man she had just met who owned a lumber mill in OR, and then two months later was with a different much older man from New Zealand living in OR and was going to marry him. She'd been weaning me out of her life for a few years, and asked for oodles of money for her wedding. When we told her we would only give her $1,000 she told me that I "was never much of a mother to her" and had her childhood pediatrician/lady who constantly testilied against me in custody matters stand as her mother of the bride. We moved to NC a week before her wedding, which we were not invited to. It's been a hard transition, but I have found other reasons that it is good for us to be here. I have financial goals that I think I can meet because of the pay/cost of living differences, and we're settling in, slow but sure.
Last weekend when husband and I were out shopping, his phone rang. It was L's dad, R. Of course husband stopped in his tracks and I kept moving, so it took a couple of minutes to catch up to husband saying "Yes, R, we're settling in well". I give husband the stink-eye and start giving the "CUT HIM OFF!" signal to him. Then I hear husband tell him the name of the small (10k) town we're in. I must look like Jerry in those Tom & Jerry cartoons when Jerry has pounded his thumb with the hammer. husband gives R his work address, sans suite number and zip code and hangs up. We're at the check-out.
R had called husband to say that L and her new husband N were ready to start their family and they wanted me to give them a sample of my DNA, my doctor records regarding my Muscular Dystrophy, and any past DNA test results that I have. This is where you all get a lesson in high finance genetic engineering...
There is a process prior to invitro called PGD or Pregenetic Determination testing. It runs about $40k - $50. I need to start this off by saying that this is not a genetic test. It's meant to narrow a field. Mind you, I know the foremost authority in this field so I was able to call and get the scoop on how all of this works. We all know that a child gets DNA from both parents, and each part of the DNA can come either from mom, or from dad. My particular type of Muscular Dystrophy, FSHD is what they call "autosomal dominant", and what that means is that if you get that particular genetic code from your one parent that has it, you get the disease. If you get it from the parent that doesn't, you don't get the disease. PGD testing is done on embryos, and in our case it's more of a "map" than a "test". My friend explained it to me like this:
In my house I have a green front door, and on the door is a round door knob and a lock. Outside my door is a driveway. Beyond the driveway is a mailbox, a sidewalk, and a fire hydrant. That's three things on each side of my driveway. In this test the driveway is where the genetic code for FSHD is. What they do is take an embryo that has divided up to 16 or 32 cells, and they pull out one or two of those cells. They have looked at the genetic code for each parent and have made markers for them. I have FSHD and mine is the one above. The other parent doesn't have FSHD and has a red front door, a thumb latch handle, and a mail slot with a driveway leading to a dirt road, a post and a telephone pole. We both have a driveway, though. What the test does is cut the driveway in half, and see what is on either side of the driveway. The less things that match to mine, if in fact none of them match to mine, the less likely that embryo has FSHD. The trick of this being that for this test to work with FSHD, you still have to do amnio at 12 - 15 weeks to determine if the gene was implanted. Then if you really don't want a child with FSHD, you get an abortion, and then you get to spend another $40k to $50k to test more eggs and another whatever for the IVF.
Enough science, and back to the store. I told husband to give me his phone. I don't have R's number anymore, I deleted ALL of that out of my phone a month or so ago. I called right back and it went to his work voicemail. I told him that I thought that L had made it pretty clear what she wanted her relationship with me to be and if she didn't have the nerve to call me herself she knew the answer as to whether or not I was going to give her my DNA, past test results and my doctors records!
So I go home and search my old junk email account where I had had everything forwarded to when we moved and before we got our new email address. Two weeks ago, R had sent me a nice breezy email hoping that I was well and informing me that "L and N are ready to start their family... I know that you and she may not see eye to eye but I'm sure you'll agree that it's better to help her do this than for her to have an abortion." Which, of course, it takes me ten minutes to find online isn't correct. There's nothing from L. They've gone with doctor know-it-all again who doesn't have a clue and are just running blind. I sent him back a quick note and told him that I was pretty sure that he wasn't the right one to ask this of me, and L had made her choice as far as I was concerned. I didn't see how I could possibly have made it any clearer than moving to NC without a forwarding address. Beyond that, I didn't have any inclination to help L become a parent, given that I couldn't imagine that I'd ever have a relationship with the child that would go beyond it being used as a baseball bat with which to bash me upside the head.
Of course, he wrote back that he found it difficult to believe that I would want any child, let alone my grandchild to be burdened with FSHD. I didn't and still haven't read beyond that. I talked to an attorney, who told me to write him a letter telling him to never contact me again, to not talk about me to anyone, and to make no disparaging remarks about me. I told him that the should tell L the same. I sent it Fed-Ex with a confirmed signature. It was delivered yesterday morning.
Last evening, my phone rang. It was L. I sent it to voicemail. I listened to it with husband this morning. She says "Hi, it's L. Um... N and I are in Arizona at a resort, and uh, the reception isn't very good. I need to talk to you, so, if you call me, leave a message, because I might not be able to answer, because, uh, the reception isn't very good" (I don't want to dress you down in front of my husband because I don't want him to know what a royal ----- I can be) "and I'll call you back, or, uh, I'll uh, call you." I texted her back to not ever contact me or husband again.
On a side note, we talked to M this week in conjunction with this. She asked him for DNA too, which he gave. Not that it will be of any use, but it's their money. M told us that he had not been invited to her wedding, nor had my parents, nor had R's wife. It was the last straw for R's wife and she left him. Does anyone disagree that this woman should not be breeding?
I'm sorry, guys. I just can't go through this with her again. And the %&^! if I'm giving my medical records to anyone - let alone her or her dad! husband and I are exhausted. I'm not sure if we're ill, or if we're just emotionally wiped out. Neither of us have any energy at all. He called in sick to work on Friday and he doesn't get sick pay. I can't hardly get him out of his chair in the other room. I'm good for maybe 6 hours awake a day, and then I just need to lie down. I know that we are doing the right thing. It just sucks...
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