Struggling to be strong too.


100% better than I was but not at 100% yet
I am fairly new here. I posted over Xmas how my oldest son who has struggled lately with depression and anxuety has been going down a scary road of drugs, drinking and now selling drugs. I thought we had turned a corner at Xmas, had an ok family trip. No arguments, had some fun. Since home, we paid for tuition for him to return to classes. This is the fourth time he has tried, third time we paid. He paid himself last term and had to withdraw. He promised us he wouldn't sell anymore, but we aren't convinced. He still has no job, but has gas money and I still see him spending. He says its left over from before. Not sure I believe him. He has two classes with his younger brother, and we count on him to drive him to classes. Now we find out he sometimes drops brother off but skips class. And yesterday younger son skipped class.... Ugh! I was so upset I can't even sleep tonight. My husband is ready to kick them both out. I know we won't. We are both too soft. I feel like we have worked so hard to provide a privileged life for them and they have zero respect or appreciation. They aren't rude to us usually and very kind, both of them, but something is not right. How does our oldest think his choices are ok? We must have given that impression.... I blame myself all he time. I'm now on anti depressants and sleeping pills so I can function in my job. ( which ironically is a guidance counsellor) my oldest son said to me today "I just feel you are sad all the time" which makes me realize I have contributed to this ..... I feel like I'm losing any sense of self or happiness. I am trying but I'm still drowning.

Colleen I see so much of myself in your post. Like you I have been going through substance abuse on and off for almost five years with my 20 year old son. He has been diagnosed with anxiety and depression. Was abusing benzos for some time from the stupid psychiatrist he was seeing and he kept prescribing and I kept getting them for him. He has been off those for a few years thank God because that was the worst ride of all (long story). Then was sober on and off for months at a time but then goes back to weed and drinking (pills? who knows). Beer seems ok but he likes whiskey which makes him a different person. Very sweet and kind normally. Just got him enrolled in 2 college classes (was 3 but one was canceled so we stuck with 2) but he continues to smoke weed and follow enough house rules to get by but not all. He started seeing a psychologist but only had one visit and now she is out of town for a while due to ill relative. He had an interview yesterday but I really feel if he does get the job he'll buy weed/booze and lose it anyway as has happened in past with all jobs. He is getting A's in both classes so far but I just am not feeling good at all right now with his continuing bad decisions. He really only has one friend and we won't let him come over right now due to pot smoking etc. in our home (his parents won't let anyone go to their house - wonder why!). We have thought about kicking him out but he really has no friends or girlfriend and would be in a shelter. If he did I totally would do it immediately!! I have a good marriage and have learned to try to be happy but this is always the feeling of doom. My husband (his dad) totally fed up and done but understands my fears. All of the women on here are so strong and make me feel not so alone.


Well-Known Member
RN, my daughter used speed/meth and I thought it was just pot. Amazingly, she went to and finished Cosmetology School at the top of her class. But her friends told the school counselor she was doing cocaine (another one) and they worried about her so I was called. After freaking out privately, I spoke to her and believed her clear eyes when she told me they were just girls who hated her and wanted to get her in trouble. But now that she has quit she has told me it was true.

We never know for sure what our adult kids are using. I was one shocked mother when my daughter finally quit and felt the need to purge herself and tell me everything.

I would have pushed rehab had I known. Luckily she was a rare person who quit without rehab and it has been now close to eleven or twelve years. So your son CAN quit. It can happen.

Right now I wish I had magic words for you or a magic solution. All of our adult kids are so different. One thing I do believe is that making it easy for them while they use is a bad idea. Making it unpleasant and not rescuing them in my opinion is the only way. I could be wrong, but this is how I feel. Anxiety, depression or not, no excuse. Those are th e two most common mental illnesses and most people who have them function. Both are very treatable. It is up to your son to get the psychiatric help he needs and duo diagnosis may work best since he is also a drug user. Vicodan is serious and if he likes it, his story about the mother with pain pills may have STARTED him on it, but he would then buy it on the street. Not sure, of course, but that probably has not stopped. That is w hat our drug using kids do.

I wish there was a magical answer. Hugs for your hurting heart. Let go and let him learn how to do this thing called life. It is his path to walk and you can't walk it with him anymore. He is too old.


100% better than I was but not at 100% yet
If I had a crystal ball and knew it would all work out in the end I'd feel better but obviously that isn't an option. I'm so happy for you that she saw the light on her own. Right now I have him scheduled to go to in patient rehab on Monday but not sure if he'll go; if not, my husband will be out of town til next Friday so we'll have to regroup at that time.

Thank you for your kind words and support. It is the only thing that is keeping me sane right now.:halfdead:


Active Member
I am sorry for all the mothers who have to go through this hell. Our son is in school part time right now, but I'm not convinced he is out of dealing weed still. I can't prove it, and he is better, but I have a sick feeling in my gut.

I wish there was a crystal ball too. Friends say " he will be fine, don't worry so much" but they have no idea of how bad it is. I just avoid friends now. Easier to avoid than have to discuss!

I wish you some peace. I know how you are feeling.

New Leaf

Well-Known Member
Hi Colleen, I am glad you checked in. So sorry for your aching heart and worries.
I am sorry for all the mothers who have to go through this hell. Our son is in school part time right now, but I'm not convinced he is out of dealing weed still. I can't prove it, and he is better, but I have a sick feeling in my gut.
We have all been down this road, struggling to keep our heads above water and hoping for change with our d cs. That sick feeling in the gut.
It is not healthy for us.

You will be okay, Colleen.
Take it one day, one step at a time.
It is good he is in school.
I hope he makes progress and sees a better way.
It is up to him to make the choice.

In the meantime, continue to work on yourself, strengthen yourself.
Our focus as moms is always on our kids.
We want the best for them.
We neglect ourselves.
I think the best thing we can do for these kids is to switch our focus and work hard at building ourselves up.
Actions speak louder than words.
By your working on yourself and living well in the face of this,
you are showing your son the importance of living well.

We have parented them and taught them the best we can.
They know right from wrong.

I hope you are able to do something for YOU, Colleen.
You have value and you matter.
Be very kind to yourself and take some time to do things
that uplift you and give you joy.

I wish you peace, dear. You are not alone.