100% better than I was but not at 100% yet
I am fairly new here. I posted over Xmas how my oldest son who has struggled lately with depression and anxuety has been going down a scary road of drugs, drinking and now selling drugs. I thought we had turned a corner at Xmas, had an ok family trip. No arguments, had some fun. Since home, we paid for tuition for him to return to classes. This is the fourth time he has tried, third time we paid. He paid himself last term and had to withdraw. He promised us he wouldn't sell anymore, but we aren't convinced. He still has no job, but has gas money and I still see him spending. He says its left over from before. Not sure I believe him. He has two classes with his younger brother, and we count on him to drive him to classes. Now we find out he sometimes drops brother off but skips class. And yesterday younger son skipped class.... Ugh! I was so upset I can't even sleep tonight. My husband is ready to kick them both out. I know we won't. We are both too soft. I feel like we have worked so hard to provide a privileged life for them and they have zero respect or appreciation. They aren't rude to us usually and very kind, both of them, but something is not right. How does our oldest think his choices are ok? We must have given that impression.... I blame myself all he time. I'm now on anti depressants and sleeping pills so I can function in my job. ( which ironically is a guidance counsellor) my oldest son said to me today "I just feel you are sad all the time" which makes me realize I have contributed to this ..... I feel like I'm losing any sense of self or happiness. I am trying but I'm still drowning.
Colleen I see so much of myself in your post. Like you I have been going through substance abuse on and off for almost five years with my 20 year old son. He has been diagnosed with anxiety and depression. Was abusing benzos for some time from the stupid psychiatrist he was seeing and he kept prescribing and I kept getting them for him. He has been off those for a few years thank God because that was the worst ride of all (long story). Then was sober on and off for months at a time but then goes back to weed and drinking (pills? who knows). Beer seems ok but he likes whiskey which makes him a different person. Very sweet and kind normally. Just got him enrolled in 2 college classes (was 3 but one was canceled so we stuck with 2) but he continues to smoke weed and follow enough house rules to get by but not all. He started seeing a psychologist but only had one visit and now she is out of town for a while due to ill relative. He had an interview yesterday but I really feel if he does get the job he'll buy weed/booze and lose it anyway as has happened in past with all jobs. He is getting A's in both classes so far but I just am not feeling good at all right now with his continuing bad decisions. He really only has one friend and we won't let him come over right now due to pot smoking etc. in our home (his parents won't let anyone go to their house - wonder why!). We have thought about kicking him out but he really has no friends or girlfriend and would be in a shelter. If he did I totally would do it immediately!! I have a good marriage and have learned to try to be happy but this is always the feeling of doom. My husband (his dad) totally fed up and done but understands my fears. All of the women on here are so strong and make me feel not so alone.