Suggestions on how to get new posters...lurkers welcome

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by SomewhereOutThere, Mar 27, 2016.

  1. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    Im wondering if people have ideas. Lurkers also welcome to break the lurk and chime in.. Im thinking of how to get General hopping again and maybe new ways of dealing with Parent Eneritus and Substance Abuse. We lose as many newbies on the latter two as we get. Maybe some people are put off by how we come across, myself certainty included. Are we too brash? Too unwilling to be flexible? Not practical enough snd too spiritual? Too willing to think we have the answers? Speak ;)

    So does anyone have a suggestion(s)?
  2. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    I think maybe some read the "problems" and can completely relate them to their own situation and "advice" already given and maybe want to try it before they post or some may feel intimidated because many of you are so eloquent in your posting and don't seem to struggle with words.

    I do too but I just put myself out there anyway! :rolleyes:
  3. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    But it used to be about younger kids. I do think dome, myself included, over dominate the adult board. I don't think that's good though. This board was once much better everywhere and posters were not intimidated to post. Nobody should be.
  4. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    You are eloquent RN and a welcome addition in my book. I think we all just try to help as best we can, and when we post, it helps us , too.

    I have answered some posts with encouragement to give over difficulties and loved ones to a higher power, if that is ones belief. I do believe in God, but try not to be overly religious with respect due to others own feelings and beliefs.

    I hope I have not offended or driven anyone off, that would be a horrible thing.
    I have read other avenues of dealing with adult d cs, there seems to be a movement towards the CRAFT program. CRAFT - Community Reinforcement and Family Training - teaches the use of healthy rewards to encourage positive behaviors. Plus, it focuses on helping both the substance user and the family.

    I wonder if detachment seems too drastic for some folks. I also wonder if people are just using other avenues to deal with their situations, and would rather visit and read, and refrain from posting.

    We are an anonymous site, but there is some risk in putting our stories on the web.

    In my short time here, I have seen periods of heavy activity, and slow periods. Some people have posted a couple of times, then moved on. I hope that means that they are receiving help elsewhere, or the problem has resolved somewhat?

    My experience here on CD has been really helpful on my journey. Members have been very kind and reassuring, there is always a reminder that no one is an expert, just offering advice from the heart and from ones own experience. I don't know what more there could be, or could not be, but that is just me. I think if there are too many rules or restrictions it may prevent people from posting. I think it is good to treat people the way we would like to be treated and understand that we are all going through our own unique situations, what works for some, may not work for others. Likewise, posting may work for some, just reading may work for others.

    Very gently I say, the term lurking may have a negative connotation for some.

    gerund or present participle: lurking
    1. (of a person or animal) be or remain hidden so as to wait in ambush for someone or something.
      "a ruthless killer still lurked in the darkness"
      synonyms: skulk, loiter, lie in wait, lie low, hide, conceal oneself, take cover, keep out of sight
      "is someone lurking in the bushes?"
      • (of an unpleasant quality) be present in a latent or barely discernible state, although still presenting a threat.
        "fear lurks beneath the surface"
      • informal
        read the postings on an Internet message board or in a chat room without making any contribution oneself.
    Is there a better term we could come up with?

    How about viewing? Viewers.
    Hmmmmm, am I being overly sensitive? I don't know, it's just that like RN said people may feel apprehensive, intimidated, or even just visit to learn. I know some have mentioned they rarely post, but visit often. Some just may be so overwhelmed by their challenges that writing may be difficult?
    I think that is okay, to each his/her own?

    Pardon my chiming in, for there are members here that have been here and contributed for a long time. I think the forum will evolve naturally to where the need is?

    Sorry for my long reply. I am off to do housework and reflect on my time spent here.I am an "over dominator" sorry everybody. I guess I can tone it down a notch and get more housework done........

    I suppose my many posts could be a deterrent to some, like someone overruling a group conversation. For that I do humbly apologize. I could use the time I spend here to clean, LOL!

    I do not view the members here that post often thusly. I look forward to reading others opinions and use what I find applicable in my own situation. SWOT, I always look forward to your responses! I do understand what you are saying, and would never want people to feel intimidated.......or feel like, "Well, there she goes again, that's what I was going to say........"

    Okay time to get off the keester and clean. It's back to work tomorrow for me. Spring break is over!

    Hugs to all
  5. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    Those of us who post are "members".
    Therefore, it would make sense to refer to those who are reading along but are not members, as "guests".

    Those who are members but who are not posting, are something else, and I'm not sure what to call them. They aren't guests, they aren't active members because they aren't posting, but they aren't inactive members either... It's like they are hidden in the shadows - on the edge of being part of the board, but not quite there.
  6. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    But they didn't feel afraid to post before. And the board was not just about adult kids like it is now. There has been a DRASTIC change.

    I don't know why but I do think people are being turned off. The proof is in the posting. We were maybe five times as busy before and had more diversity of ideas. And all ages of kids were addressed. And not all posters sounded like advanced college graduates. We need all stripes of people here, not just good writers. Yes, I guilty myself. I know this.

  7. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    Ic, they are lurkers, many indeed afraid to post.
  8. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    Internet maturation. People are becoming much more aware of issues like privacy. And less willing to "put themselves out there". It may be more these kinds of factors than anything specific to the boards.

    I don't like the term "lurkers" though... "future participants"?
  9. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    Ic, most never participate. Most never did, but MORE did. Much more.

    I do believe the internet, blogging and fb, where it is more private, are putting sites like this one out of business. I hope that doesnt happen here though.

    Oh well. We'll see what happens. Shpuld be interesting. I see it getting slower here, not busier. Often there are no new threads at all....
  10. Nomad

    Nomad Well-Known Member

    Blogging. Ugh. Again, mixed feelings. I see people put up blogs with very little experience. Having written professionally in a former life, this amazes me. No credentials themselves nor expert quotes, etc. Just opinion with very little experience.

    I like this group because people are coming from an honest place. A mom or a dad asking a question. A mom or dad who has experienced something like you've experienced and wishing to relay what worked for them.

    I know blogging can be similar, but sometimes it has a phony, childish, amateur, dishonest tone.

    I've always felt this site was refreshingly authentic.
  11. rebelson

    rebelson Active Member

    IC - what don't you like? Taken from my dictionary app:

    Lurker - Chiefly Computers. to read or observe an ongoing discussion without participating in it, as on a message board.
  12. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    I think New Leaf's dictionary is more accurate in the connotation of this term, based on it's root, "lurk":

  13. rebelson

    rebelson Active Member

    As a newcomer on this forum, the word 'detachment' was EXACTLY what I needed to hear.
  14. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    I think "detachment" depends on which forum you're talking about. PE is where it is most appropriate, and it may apply to some extent to SA. General and Failure to Thrive are environments where it would be less frequently appropriate.
  15. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    Hi Rebelson......I agree with you, me too, but some have different circumstances....we don't know their situations. What works for some, may not work for others. I was just reflecting on possible different reasons why folks may not post, in context with my response that there are different methods that people may explore, such as Craft. I am not disputing detachment theory, rather wondering if some folks are not ready to go that route when they first post here.
    Not to say that anything should be watered down, but responding with kindness and understanding that everyone is at a different place on the journey, and has their own unique challenges.
    We really do not know the whole story.
    I was thinking about this---

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  16. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    But if we worry about every word, nobody will feel free to post. Weve used both words from the time I started, fifteen years ago, and back then the board was absolutely swarming with posts on all major forums here.

    I personally dont feel lurkers is negative. Its been used here since I started. Ive also seen many posters thank others for explaining detachment. Detachment is a choice. We cant control others and if they dont feel it is right for them, they dont do it.

    All we can offer is our experiences and others can take what they like and leave the rest. I trust posters to be intelligent enough to do that and to decide if certain advice wont help them.

  17. Nomad

    Nomad Well-Known Member

    I really like the word "detachment." There is that funny, but poignant book called "Yes, your teen is crazy" and the author says you should hand out logical consequences to household rule infractions like a cop giving a ticket. No emotions. Just the facts. Almost indifferent. You broke the this is the result. Surely, some kids are different. You can be different. But Difficult Child and most teens require battle gear and armour. Detachment. Get your emotions OUT. Otherwise, you might end up a sniffling mess, pulling your hair out and beating your chest. No thank you.

    Don't have a big issue with the word "lurker." Maybe "watching." A new person who is watching and waiting for the right moment for their first post...but that is a mouthful.
  18. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    If we start banning words we've always used, even more people will stop posting. There is a longstanding thread on the PE board about detaching. If we have had the experience that it worked for us, how can we share honestly if we ban the word?
    Any word or advice can be offensive to somebody. As long as we are not meaning to offend, in my opinion only it should be ok. in my opinion I feel intent matters.
  19. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    Detaching is a word that I think maybe we just need to qualify. I will admit I found it really intimidating also, until someone talked about the key being emotional detachment. It doesn't help if my emotions get rolled into the already-explosive situation.

    For some families, physical detachment is also required. But there is a big difference between emotional detachment and physical detachment.
  20. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    Okay, not talking about banning words, just being careful with our responses according to the members posting, and their unique situations, where they are on the path. Also being mindful of what others responses are? JMO.

    From the guidelines on posting in PE------
    ***Offer care, warmth, understanding, possibilities, options and ideas as opposed to a "tone of authority” and “absolute certainty.”

    ***Remember how vulnerable people are and adjust responses to that vulnerability, as well as to where THEY are, not where WE are. People take in information as they are ready to, and it is always their decision to act or not act in every situation. Each person is at their own unique spot on their own journey.

    ***There is no right or wrong path here, only what folks are willing to consider. Black and white thinking and responses are not helpful; often it is in the "gray areas" that people find a way to progress through the pain of their situation.

    ***No one here is an authority---we are all struggling to find our way. Avoid a "tone of authority" by taking a step back and remembering that kindness, compassion and understanding are what we are all looking for---not hard and fast solutions---because our solutions will not be another person’s solutions.

    ***It can be harmful, and even dangerous, to offer advice outside these boundaries because we can’t know any other person’s full situation.

    Read more:

    So I am not talking about banning words per se, just being more careful about how we use them. If some are considering detachment, but are not at that point, could several members responding adamantly about detachment actually thwart someone from participating?
    I guess what I am trying to say is it is about being mindful and compassionate, not banning words.

    But, I still don't like the term lurking.....LOL, but that is just me.