support question

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by prayingforbubby, Jun 1, 2009.

  1. Hi everyone:tongue: Long time lurker, first time poster here. I can't tell you how much good information I've gathered by reading all of your experiences. Thank you all so much for sharing your stories.

    What do you do if only one parent thinks there is a problem with a child? I feel that my DS has bigger issues than just ODD - I know how you all feel about ODD as a stand alone diagnosis! He's been tested by a PhD...not a neuro-psychiatric evaluation, more the standard tests and observations. He has had issues with control since the eage of 4 or 5. Even now, he continues to have trouble controlling his emotions, especially anger. I'm talking temper tantrums at school on a fairly regular basis, an inability to keep his hands to himself, generally getting down on himself, etc... I feel that there HAS to be more going on, but my husband thinks I am making too much out of it.

    The therapist DS has seen for several years on and off seems to have the same opinion as husband. When I asked about a neuro-psychiatric evaluation, he seemed to not know what I meant. I feel that I am not doing enough for this child but don't know what to ask for or how to ask for it. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Thanks for listening...

  2. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Hi there and welcome...finally :tongue:.

    If you've read the board, you know I don't put any credence in ODD. And you probably know the

    1/Any psyschiatric or substance abuse problems on either side of the family tree?

    2/How was his early development as far as talking, pointing, good stable eye contact even with strangers, motor skills, pottying, did he play with toys in a normal, appropriate way? As of now, does he know how to socialize appropriately with his same age peers? Potty problems? Does he know how to hold a give-and-take conversation? Is he overly precocious, using big words, sounding older, with some big obsessive interest?

    If psychologist doesn't know what a neuropsychologist is I would really question his qualifications to help your son. I do feel a neuropsychologist evaluation is the way to go. I think your pediatrician can refer you. We were lucky. We could just go on our own and we did.

    Glad you're here now, although sorry you had to come. It's very common for men to be in denial ("no child of MINE has any problems" lol).

    Others will come along too.
  3. busywend

    busywend Well-Known Member Staff Member

    It is common for men to not tend to see these things as issues. Often with boys it is 'just being boys'. Is it equally as common for us women to worry, maybe overly so, YUP!

    Find a happy medium. Perhaps he will agree to let your son do some classes on anger management. I hope it works, but if it doesn't it is one more thing for husband to see that your son may need more intervention.
  4. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Adding in my welcome-glad you came out of lurking mode:) I hope you are able to convince husband to do the neuro-psychiatric exam. I remember difficult child's first psychiatrist, he didn't know what I meant by a neuropsychologist either!
  5. Thanks for the warm welcomes and suggestions.
    A bit more info:

    1./There aren't any substance abuse issues in either family. Though not diagnosed or treated, both my father in law and husband have issues with anger mgmt. My dad has depression.

    2./Early development was as real issues. Was a difficult potty trainer...but since he was trained has never had an accident. He never has really played with toys-something we have discussed many times as odd. He wants them, begs for them, but then doesn't touch them. I've watched him interact with lots of other kids in various situations. He is super touchy-feely, which turns some off to him. Seems to relate better to kids a little older than him. Verbally, he's off the charts smart. Converses easily with adults...not so much other kids. There are no real obsessive interests.

    I've heard that "boys will be boys" thing so many times...I would love to write off all my worries to that, but what if it's not? What if I am missing an opportunity to help this kid? It's keeping me up at night I am so worked up about it.
    He's on the brink of being kicked out of the after school program (we have three more weeks of school), has been told that if he touches another kid during school he will be immediately suspended, seems unhappy at least half the time, even told the therapist he'd considered hurting himself.

    Searching for a neuropsychologist on the net I've not been succesfull. How can I find one in NYS?
  6. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    You need to talk to husband and come to a compromise. WHat you say -

    "As you know, I am concerned that we're missing something with difficult child. I know you don't agree with me. I really hope I'm wrong, but if I am right, then the sooner we know for sure, the sooner we can put in place something that will help. ODD is supposed to be unrtreatable and incurable - what if there is something underneath it that IS treatable? Wouldn't it be great to be able to see an improvement in difficult child?
    So here is what I propose - I won't stop worrying about this until my mind is put at rest. So let's organise to have difficult child assessed toroughly. All information will be useful, even if they find there is absolutely nothing wrong. We would still get valuable information on difficult child's abilities, strengths & weaknesses as well as potential career paths. It would be ain investment in our child's future even if no problem is found. And if a problem IS found - then we will know NOW and not later on when it's too late to help. If there is nothing wrong found - then I will know for sure and will stop worrying. You will then have every reason to remind me that I was wrong, every time I bring the subject up again."

    Also, where possible, try to get husband to attend the consult with you. Encourage husband to express his scepticism to the neuropsychologist. A good scientific analysis needs to be balanced with full and frank disclosure. This full and frank stuff means they you don't just tell the therapist the bad stuff, you tell them EVERYTHING.

    When difficult child 3 had his first neuropsychologist assessment, I took mother in law along. She was definitely against the idea that there was anything wrong with her darling grandson and told the team so (multidisciplinary team). However, when we read the report, there is stuff that mother in law told them that they have listed to substantiate their diagnosis. Without realising it, she actually pleaded their case!

    Welcome out of the closet. I hope we can help you here.

  7. totoro

    totoro Mom? What's a GFG?

    How much does your husband do with the kids? Is he alone much with difficult child? Does he fully get first hand knowledge and experience with him, alone?

    I was the only one who "saw" the issues in the beginning. I fought the fight for awhile by myself. I finally put my foot down and just said you either need to get on board or get off.
    I told him he needed to have a come to Jesus moment, so to speak, or we would not be able to ever have a peaceful family life.

    It worked, not with out many more struggles, but he started seeing.

    Then started the long fight with Doctors.
    I also needed to be sure in my heart that there truly was something seriously wrong with K, once I was then I was ready to do battle with any one! LOL

    I read and read and came here... The battle has not stopped but it has gotten better and easier most days.

    The nuero-psychiatric is so important also.

    Welcome and come here for support and questions!
  8. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    Sweetie, your mommy radar would not be pinging this loud if there wasn't something going on. Just my opinion, but I saw Wiz problems before he was 3 and my husband didn't see anything until he was almost 5, and my parents (who Wiz is VERY close to) did not see anything until he was 8. It was only AFTER my mom saw Wiz sit at a restaurant and be all squirrely and fidgety, take his concerta and with-in 20 minutes he was a totally different child.

    It took my father until Wiz was 10 to concede there was a real problem!!

    You might call your insurance company to see how they cover referrals for psychiatric visits to see what neuropsychologists and other psychiatric providers need to set the appointment.

    As long as you don't have a custody decree of some sort, you don't technically need your husband's "permission" to take the child to the doctor for any reason. It is how I handled some of the first meetings with 1 therapist that we saw. husband refused to see any problems so I made appts, let him know we were going, and made it his choice to go or not. It did cause some rocky paths in our marriage, but it was over a decade ago and we are still together.

    One thing that might have rapid results is to have your child evaluated by a PRIVATE occupational therapist (Occupational Therapist (OT)). You want one who is trained in sensory integration disorder. Sensory Integration Disorder (SID) is when the brain doesn't interpret input from the senses in a normal way. Some kids have too much activity, some have too little. And that applies to EVERY sense. The therapy involved no medication. A special brush is used to help the brain create new pathways, ones that let the brain process things better.

    Treatment also involves providing an environment with appropriate sensory input (called a sensory diet) to meet a child's individual needs.

    I emphatically do NOT recommend relying on the school district Occupational Therapist (OT) for this evaluation. The school Occupational Therapist (OT) will ONLY look at how this is impacting academics, not on how it has impact on other parts of his life.

    Not sure if anyone recommended The Explosive Child by Ross Greene, as well as his new book that I forget the name of. Both are excellent in helping us with difficult children. I also suggest Love and Logic books - but go to the website to see what they offer as they have quite a number of books, audiobooks, etc... (

    For the sensory issues, Carol Kranowitz's book "The Out of Sync Child" is awesome at explaining Sensory Integration Disorder (SID), and the book "The Out of Sync Child Has Fun" is even better! (just my opinion). I like the Fun book especially because it has complete exercises that are a blast for the entire family, and she describes how to make/build/buy the needed items in ways that are VERY cost effective. And, of course, the activities are FUN! (Quite a number of the things we have tried from the book brought back memories of the year Wiz got tinkertoys for Christmas. I will NEVER forget that look on his face when he quietly asked when would it be HIS turn to play with them? Mommy and Daddy were hogging them, LOL!!!!)

    Anyway, if you feel your child needs help, he needs help. Do what you need to do to get it for him. You will almost never regret following that nagging voice that tells you somehting is wrong. Each of the big mistakes I have made stem from ignoring that voice and going along with the pressure even though I had that nasty feeling in my head.

    Glad you came out from behind the Lurker Tree!
  9. Marg - Thanks for the pretty much sums up everything I am thinking and feeling. Now to just warrior up and force the issue!

    He's a pretty involved parent. Says on a regular basis that DS is just like he was when he was little. This only adds to the problem! He often takes DS to therapist. Sounds like they BS alot more than the therapist talking to DS, in my humble opinion.

    Thanks again for the encouragement and information!