Talk of peer pregnancy - It's sooooo cool, mom

[timer lady]

kt has been rambling on & on today about a peer in her day treatment setting; a 13 y/o girl who is accusing a couple of the older boys of rape. And saying that she is pregnant.

kt, in the meantime, feels it's so very cool that difficult child friend is pregnant at 13. "I told you I could have a baby now, mom - see it can happen!" My little girl is at such high risk for victimization & early pregnancy.

Reasoning with this is impossible; a 13 y/o's body may be able to produce a baby, but a 13 y/o is in no way ready to have that baby - parent that baby.

kt informs me she could. "I've been practicing with my dolls."

This type of talk terrifies me for kt. In her mind, she's convinced having a baby will "fix" everything.

She sees her doctor next week for a complete physical - because will be discussed at this time. Walking a very fine line here.

 

[BusynMember]

OH, please. How scary. I have an almost 11 year old who is well developed!!! My 22 year old, who used to do drugs and is very "in the know" tells me that kids had sex at 11 years old!!!!! She didn't (I read her diary when she was at her worst and she mentioned she was 16, but 11 happens). And it's considered cool among some kids. Wonder if their parents think it's so cool? I hope KT has a change of heart. It's soooooooooo scary.

 

[tiredmommy]

Is the depo shot still offered? Or the patch? It's unbelievable to me that a 12 yo who disassociates to the tune of having toddler behaviors will be facing this so soon. It makes my head spin. I can only imagine what it does to you & husband. {{{Hugs}}}, I hope you can keep her safe until some maturity kicks in.

 

[Steely]

Gosh, you really must be anxious and worried about her, I know I would be. I just have to say, that from reading your posts, you seem so strong and focused as a mom to these 2 kids, that I have a lot of admiration for you. I also have to say, that from your posts, my heart really goes out to kt. It seems like she has been through so much, and thank God you are present in her life now, to offer what stability and love she can absorb.

As far as the pregnancy thing, I was wondering if you could maybe do some educational stuff with her that helps her see the reality of actually being a mom. The first thing that comes to mind is having her carry an egg around "as her baby" for a week (making sure to wake her up for the nightly feedings, etc.). The second thing that comes to mind is field trips. I am not sure what you would have in your area, but maybe if you have a single mom homeless shelter, or something like that, where she could see the reality of actually caring for an infant. And the third thing that comes to mind is babysitting. I know you would probably always want to be present with her, but maybe if you know someone with an infant you could have her baybysit, with you by her side emphasizing all the things that go into taking care of a baby. And the last thing would be a video or film about what it takes to be a parent. I guess, my suggestion would be, to try to bring reality as close to home as possible - which hopefully would jolt her out of fantasy and into reality.

Good luck

 

[flutterbee]

This is one of those instances where sticking your fingers in your ear and chanting, "La la la la la...I can't hear you" won't work....even though that's really what you want to do.

I have a daughter at high risk, too, although for different reasons. The really scary part, to me, is that there is no way to prove to her that a baby is not the "fix" she thinks it would be. Another poster mentioned the egg and similar things, which are really good ideas, but I know my difficult child would not make any connection and I don't think kt would either. Besides, my difficult child is special and the normal world issues don't really apply to her...things are always different for her than they are for anyone else. Just ask her.

Fortunately for me, my difficult child is extremely modest (my little girl doesn't do anything half way - I'm not even allowed to measure her for a bra so when we went shopping recently we had to take several sizes into the dressing room for her to try on while I stand outside and wait - and that in itself was a feat) and thinks the process involved to get a baby is just the grossest thing ever. I am aware that she will outgrow that, but until then I have my fingers in my ears.

 

[DDD]

When GFGmom was about that age I actually asked the Dr. if it were possible to get her fixed. He almost had cardiac arrest!
I knew she would be seeking love and affection with-o analysis. I
knew she would be too impulsive to properly parent. I knew that
she would never be able to remember a pill a day.

It wasn't possible so....I'm raising her children. When the immaturity falls over into danger zones, it is sad. DDD

 

[dreamer]

I agree kt is at higher risk to become sexually active or used and abused sexually...........(my dtrs neuropsychologist exams ALL said same of her......said she would go to any lengths, any lengths at all to feel someone cared about her........including sexual favors, and including having a child)

There are LOTS of kids out there, even non difficult child kids who feel similar to what kt is saying. There have been many TV shows about such kids. The preg rate at our HS runs about 20%. In the day treatment and alternate schools my difficult child went to- the rate increases dramatically to possibly 50% or more.
There are a LOT of reasons for this..a whole lot, all different. In many day treatments and altrnate placements etc hypersexuality is a big issue. Partly, bipolar kids tend to be hypersexual, and less inhibited, more impulsive. So when you gather these kids into one place, under one roof, that is a problem.

My difficult child is now 18 and 6 months ago she started bc pills. I administer them.......BUT I fear an unplanned preg may not be the worst thing........altho with the medications so many difficult children are on, a healthy preg is unlikely. BUT for many, the hormones excreted by bc can really wreak havoc on stability.
My oldest difficult child has done surprisingly wonderful with our family pets since she was about kts age. She also has done some babysitting (altho I babysit with her........I am nervous about truly letting her babysit alone) and that way she gets to be around babies..and young children and she can be quite maternal with the pets. I spoke often about how babies deserve two parents (no offense to single moms, it was just something I was able to use for my difficult child) and moms really should have jobs (I was working) "just in case" anything happened to the dad......(which in our case is exactly what happened)
I also had my difficult child watch shows with childbirth in them......and watch and hear stories of single moms and teen moms trying to make it.
Knock on wood and thank you higher powers, my difficult child is now 18 and so far..................whew. BUT it has been there in my nitemares for YEARS.
My mother birthed me at 16. My cousin became a mother at 13, - to a baby with serious heart problems. My male cousin became a dad at 12, - had 6 kids by 19 and died at 20. His oldest child became a mother at 14. Sadly my difficult child had a lot of cases she could throw in my face and say "see, they did it" Instead, I always made sure my difficult child visited them, saw how hard their life was etc.

 

[JJJ]

We put Kanga on the pill last fall when she was talking about boys & having a boyfriend and how if you have a boyfriend you "have" to have sex. She was 11. She knows that it is one more pill to help her feel better (it also helps with her cramps). We haven't discussed that it will stop her from becoming pg. But her emotional maturity ranges from 2-7 and her intellectual capacity is 7-9. Not at all ready to have the conversation let alone have sex.

 

[totoro]

Oh my gosh I feel for all of you with female g'sfg, who are at that age!!! Linda I don't know how you can even breathe... My heart jumped just reading your post. I can not even begin to imagine my little baby saying those things... hang in there things have got to get better... one day.

 

[timer lady]

Heather, the La la la la, I can't hear you wasn't working this afternoon. husband walked very quickly out of the room; PCA just stood there with her mouth hanging open. It's a terrifying situation.

DDD, I agree that the combination of immaturity with lack of impulse control is a dangerous mix.

We've already discussed the depo shot or the patch. It's been agreed by psychiatrist & kt's physician, that when the time comes, as long as kt is medication compliant we'll go with the pill.

I don't want to commit to a shot if kt goes off the deep end as a result of the hormones.

TM, it's the very infant like behaviors that kt displays that terrifies me. Can you imagine a 12 year old who still comforts herself with a pacifier pregnant????

It's been a nerve wracking afternoon. kt has been very stuck on this topic. She's in her room now - playing with her "babies". Arghhhhh!

Thank you ladies -

 

[crazymama30]

My difficult child is male, and thank god for that. easy child is a girl, but hopefully will not view things this way, so far thinks boys are gross. holy hallejueah!!

 

[Loris]

I feel for you. It seems to be a common thing, my 15 year old niece just had a baby, they do think it's "cool". I am glad BC is probably in the cards for her soon, 3D hit it on the nail. It is sad and a dangerous mix combined with the disorders and immaturity.

 

[Sara PA]

Perhaps you should see if one of the professionals can get a hold of one of those fake babies the schools use to teach teens how demanding caring for babies can be, that you can't put real babies aside when you are tired of playing with them, that they are demanding little people. I know when some of those afternoon talk shows match up tweens with girls who do have real live babies for 24 hours or so, the tweens usually abandon their plans to get pregnant.

 

[jbrain]

My difficult child 1 has been pregnant 3 times since last May--miscarried each time. She had a prescription for birth control but obviously wasn't using it. It didn't matter how much I talked to her about how much responsibility a baby is, all that stuff. She wants what she wants and that's that. During the 2nd pregnancy we were at the ER (she had a pelvic inflammatory disease, turns out and was no longer pregnant) and in the waiting room there was a toddler running around--he was acting perfectly normal for a toddler. She wondered why he was being so "bad"! I told her he wasn't bad, in fact he was actually being "good"! Oh, brother....
Jane

 

[SearchingForRainbows]

Linda,

How SCARY :nonono: !!! My heart goes out to you having to deal with this now!!! in my humble opinion, I think you are doing the right thing by having because discussed at her physical.

Let us know how the appointment goes!!! WFEN

 

[Wiped Out]

Nothing new to add to what's already been said-I'm sorry-I know it must be terrifying-hugs.

 

[Marguerite]

Linda, just a thought - have you had her hormone levels checked? She seems so determinedly female, it makes me wonder... there can be some interesting things happen, hormonally, which can be missed.

I remember being incredibly clucky from a very young age. In my case I think it was less hormonal and more social although I've never fully understood it. I actually was looking forward to my periods because it meant that my body was ready to have a baby. My biggest ambition in life was to have kids, as soon as it was possible. I was sufficiently inhibited to realise I would need a husband, preferably, but I didn't really care if he stuck around afterwards or not (I was only a kid, then). But I was very envious of any female I knew who was pregnant. I couldn't grow up fast enough and I hated the life in between that felt like stalling to me.

That doesn't mean I didn't have academic ambitions - I originally wanted to be a teacher because it was an easy profession for a working mother. (I also wanted to be the kind of teacher I wished I had had, and to change what I saw as an unfair system).

But I have also seen some interesting research on a number of conditions which include hormonal imbalances, plus interesting 'ultra-female' or 'ultra-male' behaviours.

The only other thing I can suggest is to give her as much practical parenting training as possible. Encourage her to aim for work as a teacher or in a child care centre, so she gets hand-on experience of babies and young children, including the grotty bits. For me, it was helping to raise my sister's kids who lived next door that helped me 'work off' my overdeveloped maternal instinct. It also provided a small amount of aversion therapy as she had two difficult children in there. Spending time with my sister's kids helped me learn how to cope myself when I finally did have kids. It also helped me feel less desperate because I always had my sister's baby or toddler to cuddle.

I hope you can find some useful answers soon.

Marg

 

[mattsmom27]

This is scary, how early these things are cropping up in our children. I'll tell you, although I thank God every day for difficult child in my life, it was HE$@ being pregnant at 17 years old and being a single mom at 18 years old. I doubt it would have been much easier even if difficult child's father had given a hoot and contributed. Kids these days have no concept, it seems LESS concept than when I had difficult child. Back in my teens, SOME teens were getting pregnant and it was still somewhat "taboo" and definitly frightening for girls like me who became pregnant. I wish I had not been sexually active so young in my life.
It seems kids are sexually active SOOO young nowadays, and pregnancy isn't "Scary" to most girls anymore. It unfortunatly seems "cool" to alot of teen girls, and I want to rattle them and tell them just how not cool it is in reality to be faced with a responsability as huge as a child when you haven't even gotten your feet wet in life yet. Unfortunatly, girls do hear those stories but think they somehow will escape difficulties and all would come easy to them. Fearless!
difficult child is in grade 8, the kids are 13-14. Most are sexually active, if not "fully" active, their level of "intimacy" is shocking. There are only a few girls in difficult child's class who haven't lost their virginity, and many who have already been with several young boys. They brag about it to each other, like having sex is cool and who have you been with, and who do you want to be with, etc. I have spyware on the computer and read MSN messages and I want to weep for these needy girls.
Any parent with any concerns at all that their daughters are reaching that stage in life, however crazy it might seem because their girls are so young, are very valid in their concerns.
I don't know how we are supposed to reach our teenagers on this topic. Of course to them they don't believe a word we say. It is worse from someone like me because I've heard "yeah, but even though it was hard, you made it, you did it alone, you didn't lose your kids" etc etc. How little they know the sacrifice, the fears, the panicking for rent, for diapers, the sleep issues, the loss of youth, the loss of education, the tons of things that I could have been doing at that age that would have prepared me more for parenthood much much later in life, not least of all having a father for my child that was mature enough to stick around and be a father!
The "invincibility" factor in teens this age makes me cringe.
I say we bundle all our teen girls onto a bus headed for an island until at least age 20!!

 

[timer lady]

kt got up & immediately started this conversation again this morning. I told her that I was done discussing how "cool" it is that peer friend is pregnant.

Laid out the facts to her once again. A week to go until physical.

On the up side, kt is supervised 24/7. I take what I can get.

We're heading out to the zoo this afternoon - of course it's zoo baby week. :slap: :surprise: :slap:

I will spend my day laughing at the absurd - my new motto. Keeps me sane. :flower:

 

[Mikey]

<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: Marguerite</div><div class="ubbcode-body">...I remember being incredibly clucky from a very young age. In my case I think it was less hormonal and more social although I've never fully understood it.</div></div>

This is actually something I've thought about for many years. Starting with the fact that all but one of my teen friends either ended up pregnant, or their gfs got pregnant. And now, I'm a parent of both male and female teens.

Unfortunately, I think that biology works against us. When the body is "ready", the brain short-circuits and the hormones rage. It wasn't so long ago that "kids" were getting married at 14 or 15, having babies, and starting down that road. Back then, the life expectancy was shorter, and life was different, so this wasn't considered weird.

I don't think biology has changed that much in the last 100 years, but life certainly has - as have our "morals". Our life expectancy has increased. And even though we push our kids to grow up faster (emotionally and academically), we somehow expect them to slow down biologically! Paradox!

Life itself is different now, too. Gone are the farms, mines, textiles, and other industries where you depended on lots of "young" labor. Now you now need an education (mostly) to support yourself, that education takes a long time to get, and while being educated you're still considered a child. Once a girl is pg, there just isn't "room" or energy for another child when the mother is still considered a child herself. Families are also now stressed more, and there may not be any extra capacity for the parents of a child who is now a parent herself.

Add on to that the fact that our morals have now changed to where "underage" pregnancy isn't just a huge burden, it's now "wrong", and both the parents and the child/mother suffer for it.

Sorry for the soapbox, but this is one battle that I think we're losing as parents. We cannot ignore the biological facts of our kids bodies. Unless we bring back chastity belts, neutering, or sex-segregated work camps, we cannot prevent these things from happening. What we can do (but aren't doing very well) is helping our kids understand what's happening to their bodies, and giving them the resources they need to either control the appetite, or control the consequences of indulging.

Again, sorry for the soapbox, but this is a real touchy subject for me. And it's a tragedy for both the parents who face this problem, and society in general, but until we reconcile morality and "modern life" with biological fact, we will continue to face this problem.

And let's not even start talking about adding in "difficult child-ness" to the mess that is adolescent sexual awakening.....

End of rant.

:hypnosis:

Mikey