Tangled Web

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by Whipped, Oct 25, 2008.

  1. Whipped

    Whipped New Member

    What a tangled web we weave, when we practice to deceive....it does get complicated at times now doesn't it.
    It's like this....I was rearranging my son's bedroom for him last week when I found his pot pipe and a bag of weed. He's 14 by the way...has ADHD..on concerta and lamyctal...anyway..I sat on the discovery for a few days..trying to consider how best to handle the situation. Then I thought..how about the direct approach..so I sat the boy down and asked him if he'd recently lost anything...nothing came to mind for him...so I presented my new found paraphinalia. He seemed a bit surprised by my revelation...but he didn't try to deny it..he fessed up and said it was his stuff. The kicker is..I asked him where he got it...and not totally to my surprise he stated that his 42 year old uncle gave it to him (my wife's brother)....uncle bad example ..I like to call him. Well..my first mistake started last spring '07 when uncle asked to stay on our couch for about three weeks..well this turned into a little over a year...I guess the local job market just isn't ready for his special kind of expertise...anyway..needless to say..i let him stay way too long...in the beginning because he was family and I felt sorry for him..then because he was my wife's brother..now I just can't stand the guy and want to see him go to jail (1) for being a loser drug dealer (2) for giving drugs to my 14 year old son-his nephew.
    I'm trying to focus on what's important..which is my son's well being. He promises on a stack of bibles that he experimented with pot only and isn't currently using it. Although, I would certainly like to live in the land of apple blossoms and unicorns and take his statement at face value..I think I will remain watchful.
    Now....should I think...it's only pot...it's not like i found him laying in a gutter with a needle hanging out of his arm..so why waste time thinking evil thoughts about my brother-in-law. OR...should I get ugly and take it upon myself to be a good and righteous citizen..doing good not only for myself but the community at large ..and divert local law enforcements attention towards uncle so we can clean up the streets a little. I mean..all he does is lay around ..not work and sell drugs..when he's not giving them to his nephew for free.
    It gets better....as long as we're talking about drugs...MY brother is also a local drug dealer and does a lot of mutual business with uncle. Would I be a deceitful and traitorous individual if I were to set them both up for a fall....a clean sweep.....
    I don't mean to get side tracked with the whole drug thing. They'll never go away...so I suppose the right way of thinking is to educate my children about making intellegent choices...I mean ..if they really want to experiment..they can get drugs anywhere..right....I suppose I'm just extremely irritated by the idea that two of the local idiots are actually related to me.
    I did propose to my son the idea that i take him and his stash down to the local police station and have him rat out his uncle..but as you might have guessed..he wasn't down with that idea.
    And where does the wife stand in all this mess..you might ask. Well, she certainly wouldn't mind seeing MY brother get sold up the river. Her and I have agreed and told my son that he is to have no further contact with uncle and that if he does that I would get a restraining order to prevent it. I know she objects to drugs and drug use..and certainly is very angry with her brother for his actions.
    So this is my dilema...how hard do I push...I mean....it's my wife's brother...do I try and send him to jail for years out of his life for a bag of weed...or is it "to heck with that" and based on principle I should do everything in my power to protect my family and see he goes to jail????
    Well, anyway...I feel like I'm starting to ramble..I think I'll just post this and see if anyone has any words of wisdom to offer.
  2. Kjs

    Kjs Guest

    You are in a tough spot. I would personally talk to my brother.
    My observation of the kids is they will try pot, and they will go from there.

    My son was 10 when he started middle school. Wanted to be popular in this very large school. Got involved with a bad group. Purchased pot for a girl, they went and smoked (a whole group), one boy fell down the steps and they knew he was high. My son fessed up that he bought it. School only suspended him but could of done much more.

    I called his doctor immediately and scheduled a drug test the next day for all drugs. It was a blood test, not just urine. Dr. called when the results were in. He was clean. I asked HOW when he admitted to smoking. Dr only suggested he didn't know how.

    I have since (3 years now) taken him in for random drug tests. Both urine and blood. I purchase home drug tests from Walgreens. He has always been clean.

    Shortly after this incident he switched groups of friends. (well, several months after). He has some very nice friends, so I thought. He hasn't been speaking to some who I like and asked why. He said because they do drugs and he won't be around them. "apparently they prefer 2 hours of fun over their life".

    Now granted, my son is 13 and a Freshman. he has not hit puberty yet. All these words and thoughts may go down the tubes when puberty actually hits. He has a lot of anxiety and worries about everything. He knows I will test him.

    He and a neighbor girl (same age) recently found her mothers pot. I have known for 13 years but knew someday it would all come around. The kids are shocked to say the least. Angry. Especially her daughter. I don't know what effect this has on my son. Knowing this lady has smoked for many years and he likes her. They always could talk and always hit it off. He also knows how angry her daughter is. This girl isn't allowed to talk on the phone, go on computer, wear make up...and then she busts her mother. She is angry. I haven't told them the daughter knows. Don't want to stick my nose in their family business. But the girl and mom do not get along lately. She often gets my son and they walk around while she cries.

    Concerta increases heart rate. So do many street drugs

    What I would do....I would test your son periodically. IF it ever comes back positive I would turn in the uncle. This is your son's LIFE. Don't take chances.
    Lasted edited by : Oct 26, 2008
  3. meowbunny

    meowbunny New Member

    I agree with the drug testing for your son and to have random tests done for at least a year.

    As to your brother and brother-in-law, I think it would depend on what they are dealing and to whom. Are they dealing anything stronger than grass? Are they dealing to adults and minors (and I don't consider someone just over 18 to be an adult: they would have to be over at least 21). If the answer is yes to either of these questions, I'd turn them in in a heartbeat. If yes to stronger drugs but no to minors, I probably wouldn't but I'd let them know that if they ever did deal to minors, regardless of the drug, I would. If the answer is yes to minors, I'd be doing everything in my power to get them in jail. Strangely, giving the grass to your son wouldn't upset me as much as if he sold it to him. One is an act of stupidity albeit illegal. The other is deliberate, illegal and immoral.

    I'm assuming brother-in-law is now living elsewhere. If not, get him out of the house like yesterday.

    I hope you get your son straightened out. Fourteen and using/experimenting is awfully young.

    P.S.: When you get a chance, please do a signature. It makes it so much easier to get the players straight.
  4. Sheila

    Sheila Moderator

    Your brother-in-law has no respect for himself or anybody else, does he? To put his sister's family and property in jeopardy because of drug dealing....? And on top of it, to introduce a 14 yr old, his nephew no less, to drugs?

    I've never been in your situation, but I know myself pretty well.

    With adults, even before difficult child, I had little tolerance for abuse of alcohol and no tolerance for drugs. Most particularly in my home. It doesn't matter the relationship. My friends and family know this.

    Setting aside the personal opinion side of the equation and putting on my parenting hat, what you decide to do about this situation will send a message about your drug tolerance level to your son in my opinion.

    Providing drugs to my son would not bode well for the individual that did it. When I have to choose between the best interest of my son and anybody else, my son wins every time.

    Very, very hard place you're in.

    by the way, welcome to the board.:D
  5. Fran

    Fran Former desparate mom

    I think I would invite both dirt ball brothers to the house and set them straight that if ever they give drugs to your kid or even act like drugs are part of their lives or you sniff them in your home that you will call the police and turn them both in.

    Your job and your wife's job is to protect and teach your child. He must see that you apply consequences to the uncle's and not just him.
    If son is truly not using he must be encouraged to continue this way with the fear of being held to the same consequence that you discussed with uncles.

    The uncles are adults. They get caught, they get caught but you have a chance to turn son in a different direction.

    Of course, be prepared to follow through so that your son will take you seriously. Every one will be grateful that you just said NO.
    If family is unhappy then they get to deal with that themselves. You answer to no one but your conscience and your spouse. Everyone else is just peripheral.
  6. slsh

    slsh member since 1999

    Hi Whipped and welcome!

    I should preface my thoughts with the disclosure that my beloved 17 y/o is far more interested in smoking dope than life in general so that colors my view. ;)

    I'm going to assume that Uncle Bad Example is not living with you guys anymore. Even though I hate giving your son a pass (because he is the important one here - he's the one who needs to get the message that drugs are illegal to say nothing of counterproductive to quality of life), due to the passage of time and the fact that Uncle BE is not living with you anymore, I would not involve the police. Best case scenario, son would be charged with possession, and Uncle BE and your bro would get put on police radar if they're not already there. I'd be surprised if the adults really had any difficulties from this incident. My very limited experience with- minors in possession is that, in Chicago at least, it's a joke charge. thank you got a "deferred" charge, meaning that if he wasn't busted again for 6 months absolutely nothing would happen (yea CPD, way to reinforce drug use!!!).

    Also, kids are supposed to make mistakes. While we hope they listened to all our drug education, there are going to be kids who try it. So he's gotten his "get out of jail free card" and I'd make it clear that he will be held accountable for future transgressions of this nature. I'd implement random drug screening as well as random room searches (I'm a bit hard core on this - my home, my rules, my responsibility for items in my home - not all board members agree with searching rooms/reading diaries).

    Realistically, the only thing you have control over is what happens in your home. I would focus energies on your son and rest assured that eventually the druggies in the extended family will face the music (hopefully). I don't think there's anything you can do to expedite that symphony. The priority is doing everything in your power to keep your son from heading down that same road.

    I do think you handled this very well. It seems pretty obvious that you're a thoughtful and measured parent.

    This is just my opinion - my son does not live at home so while I have the experience of having a kid smoking dope, I do not have to deal with it 1:1 or on a daily basis. We do search him before he enters our home so I can at least control what is here.

    Again - welcome!
  7. everywoman

    everywoman Active Member

    I would run, not walk, to the nearest PD and turn their butts in. I am a firm believer that people should be allowed to do what they want if they are willing to face the consequences of their actions. He chose to give drugs to your child, he has to face the consequences. If someone chooses to deal, they know the consequences. And get him out of your house and out of your son's life.
  8. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    My daughter did a long drug route and was introduced by friends (ahem) of mine. We had no idea they did drugs, but they gave freely to my daughter. All kids who do drugs start with pot. And you never really know the extent of their use because they don't tell. After my daughter quit drugs, the horror stories of the extent of her drug use (which started at 12) shocked me. I had not had a clue it was more than pot. In hindsight, if my daughter was your son, I would turn both uncles into the police. That's the only example your son has to see that you are serious about drug use and that even being a relative doesn't exempt their behavior. We did turn in our "friend." Trust me, he denied it and got off, even though he was on parole, but at least my daughter saw that we weren't going to let it pass. BUT...it didn't stop her drug abuse. Nothing did. I'm not sure that anything would have stopped it short of locking her in her room 24/7. I hope whatever you decide to do is helpful to your family and sends a strong message to your son. In the end, my daughter did chose to quit everything (even cigarettes) and now she's "all natural." She won't even take an aspirin. Good luck.
  9. flutterbee

    flutterbee Guest

    I grew up all around drugs - dad and his 2 brothers, especially...then with their nightly parties. Dad grew pot, etc.

    I can't determine if uncle bad example lives with you or not. His as...ahem..butt should be on the street. Now. Period. If he has no place to go he can find a shelter. Too bad, so sad. Life is full of consequences.

    You can talk to these guys all you want about staying away from your kids, but drug abusers and drug addicts do what they want when they want. They're not going to take anything you say seriously. Obviously, uncle bad example would already be aware that you would be less than pleased when he gave your son drugs. It didn't stop him then and telling him won't stop him either. I would report them to the police as providing drugs to minors. Let the police sort it out. Of course, they will probably interview your son, but that would be a good lesson for him, as well.

    Your son was honest with you. I would honor that and not do random drug testing unless the situation changes and you notice behavior that makes you suspicious of further drug use.

    Good luck.
  10. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Hi Whipped, welcome.

    I agree, that if your b-i-l is not already out of your house, he should be on the curb by 5 p.m. today.

    You handled it well with-your son.

    I'd go for the random drug testing.

    I would not invite either your brother or b-i-l to your house to speak with-them. I would never invite them over, period. The farther away from the house they are, the better.
  11. Whipped

    Whipped New Member

    Thanks for all the great comments...yes..uncle bad example is long gone from my house but still exists locally. My wife asked him today about giving the pot to our son..and of course..he denied it..which in a way is good..he went further to call son a liar....son hates to be called a liar....he's not perfect..but he does pride himself on his honesty...so...this might work in our favor to keep son away from uncle.....
    I had considered hauling my son down to the local PD....he assured me that he would not speak with the police...in retrospect that is probably good..uncle bad example can't be trusted and certainly deserves to be in jail...giving pot to my kid is just the tip of the iceberg for this character...his list of dirty deeds goes on and on...i just don't want any backlash against my family...i have four kids to worry about..not just my son...i'm hoping that if i can just wait him out (uncle) that he will wind up back in jail just based on his own arrogance and ignorance.....i don't want to push the issue over a bag of weed...
    i do like the idea of random drug testing...you think i would have thought of that on my own since i work at a hospital....i'm on it...thanks again for all the great advice
    p.s...i'll work on a signature...