That slippery slope

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Childofmine, Jul 31, 2014.

  1. Childofmine

    Childofmine one day at a time

    So I saw difficult child last Friday for about 45 minutes then Sunday night for his birthday dinner and then I took two pieces of mail to him yesterday and we sat in the car for about 10 minutes.

    These times seeing him have been good. He does seem different, better, more serious, not talking fast, manipulating me, not asking me for things like before. He seems more mature. He is talking about a place to live, a job via Goodwill career solutions, next steps. I have said there is help once you start moving forward seriously and consistently.

    But like we say, talk is cheap. It is action that counts.

    So I have just tried to be pleasant and supportive and keep some emotional distance.

    Today the phone rang at 7 as I was driving home from my exercise class and it was him. He said he had five hours sleep in the past two nights because there is "nowhere to lie down. I'm so exhausted Mom. Can I come over to your house for a while and sleep."

    I said no. It was a very hard no to say but I stuck to it. I said it gently and clearly and I said I'm sorry. I AM sorry I have to say no to my son who I love so much when he is so tired and I have this huge house with lots of empty beds. I am so damn sorry I have to say no.

    I waited a while and it was really bothering me so I called SO and we talked it up and down and the result was still the same.

    I am hoping and praying this is his sick and tired and he will DO SOMETHING to change his situation. It only takes doing one thing different for all of us to effect a sea of change.

    Evidently even with all of the help from nonprofits churches etc for homeless people, the police still will not allow them to sleep in public. When they do, they are searched and then rousted up and out, to keep moving. The silver lining here is that this is very hard---to find a place to sleep on the street. Maybe it is hard enough to push the decision to go to a shelter or halfway house.

    It has been a long hard day for me. A day has seemed to be 48 hours long surely. I haven't heard anymore from difficult child. We hung up saying I love you. No anger, no abusive talk, no pushing.

    I have just prayed all day for him and for myself. I just hope he is okay.

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  2. dstc_99

    dstc_99 Well-Known Member

    I will pray with you COM. I really hope he is seeing how his life is going to be and thinking about making changes.
  3. SeekingStrength

    SeekingStrength Well-Known Member


    I am saying a prayer right now for your son - and for you. It is good that the phone call ended lovingly.

    His asking out of a real need, not because he felt you owed him that much if he is to change ....a slippery slope indeed. That would be tough.

    He knows you love him and he knows you want him to choose a better way. I hope, hope, hope this misery will spur him onward and upward. A shelter or a halfway house would be great right now.

    I will pray more throughout the evening.

    Holding your son and you in my thoughts,

  4. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I am praying for your son too COM, praying hard. I hope this is the turning point for him. Hugs to you too Mom, do something very, very kind for yourself COM, something nourishing, nurturing........loving.......... just for YOU.
  5. JKF

    JKF Well-Known Member

    Oh COM - that is the worst feeling ever. Trust me - I know. I've even stopped going into the empty bedrooms unless absolutely necessary because every time I do it hits me hard.

    I'm praying hard for him. I truly hope he's sick and tired of this lifestyle and he gets himself some help.

    Sometimes that's worse for me than hanging up angry. I often feel guilty when we hang up saying I love you. I don't know why but I do.

    This whole thing with our difficult child's in so heart wrenching. It's so truly draining and sad. I'm so sorry you're hurting today. Big hugs my friend!
  6. lostmyson

    lostmyson Member

    So sorry COM. Am going thru similar situation. Feel so guilty having all the comforts of home. We can't open our doors to them when they come and destroy our safe havens. I know what a struggle and guilt trip it is to say no. Feel strong til he calls and my heart just breaks. Have to remind myself how our home was when he was here. Stay strong. You deserve peace. We all do
  7. lostmyson

    lostmyson Member

    JKF so with you on empty bedroom. Can't go in there without crying
  8. I don't know

    I don't know New Member

    Hoping you find comfort tonight in whatever way works for you Childofmine.
  9. Echolette

    Echolette Well-Known Member

    Oh Child,

    I am so sorry for your aching heart. I know without a doubt that you are doing the right thing. My difficult child also sometimes asks to come home to sleep..I have let him do it often in the past, but not for the last year or so...I have always been so committed personally and as a parent to the idea that sleep is one of the most important things, it is incredibly hard to not offer that solace, that comfort. Your baby in a bed again. I love to watch my children sleep, I love to even watch my animals then can we turn away our sons.

    But really, we must. You did. I have and will. You can't be the answer to his problems. And it won't stop with just a nap or an overnight, we know that too...but even if it did, he has to has to has to understand that only his actions will change the course of his life...not his mom's loving broken heart.

    Pray for comfort. Turn to SO, Al anon, the board. Watch a good movie on TV and cry your eyes out. Don't change your mind. You are doing the right thing, as a parent, as a person.

    I am so sorry.

  10. PatriotsGirl

    PatriotsGirl Well-Known Member

    Anger does seem to make it easier. Very hard when they are not making you angry. I so understand how hard that must have been. (((HUGS)))

    But you are right - maybe this will be his sick and tired...
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  11. Scent of Cedar *

    Scent of Cedar * Well-Known Member

    COM, you handled this so beautifully, with love and with courage.

    I am sorry it has to be so hard. If we could see the future somehow, and know we were doing the right thing, it would be so easy to do this hard part, now.

    But we don't know that.

    All we know is that nothing less has helped.

    Hold on, COM. Like Strength always tells us, stay close to the site.

    This is your son's time to change his thinking about who he is going to be.

    I don't know why it has to be so hard.

    He has a chance this way. The other way didn't work.

    I'm sorry for the pain of it, COM.

  12. pasajes4

    pasajes4 Well-Known Member

    Until I had my difficult child's, I really did not understand the truth of our children being our greatest joy and our greatest sorrow. I do now.
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  13. nlj

    nlj Well-Known Member

    So good that you and SO are of one mind. It's so helpful to have someone to share your decisions with who will reinforce the conclusions that you have reached and help you believe that they are the right decisions.

    So good that you ended your call with your son by telling each other that you loved each other and without any anger or abuse or pushing.

    These are both strong, positive things that have happened today.

    I drove to the forest to see my son this morning. He seemed well. He'd made an effort to wash in the river I think before I got there. His fingernails were filthy and broken though. That was a bit upsetting, but I didn't draw attention to it. We hung out in his treehouse and he talked about some childhood memories. He had a bag of filthy clothes that he wanted me to take and wash and bring back. I asked him how the others managed to wash their clothes. He said they used bicarbonate of soda and river water. I said that sounded interesting and that he should try that. I left the bag of washing with him. I felt a bit bad doing that, but if he wants this life then he doesn't really need my washing machine.

    Your son has chosen his life, he doesn't really need your spare bed. They can manage, and if they stop wanting to manage like that then they can work to find their way back to a more conformist life.

    We also left saying we loved each other.

    So I have four positive things to think about today:

    You saying 'no' to the bed and knowing you did the right thing.
    Me saying 'no' to the washing and knowing I did the right thing.
    You and your son leaving each other on a positive note.
    Me and my son leaving each other on a positive note.

    A good day!
    A reason to have a good night's sleep tonight.
    I'm sure your son is ok.
    I hope you have a good night's sleep too.
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