The demise of parenting ideals....

[timer lady]

We've been searching for a way for kt to control & slow down her eating habits. (We've a full blown eating disorder heading our way - we've been expecting it.)

Anyway, this morning over breakfast I turned on the TV. kt has spent 25 minutes eating her breakfast - slowly & was aware when her tummy was full. Actually stopped eating even though there was food left on her plate. :rofl:

All the literature tells you to turn off the TV & talk with your children - communicate about your day. I'm finding that, for kt, that ideal needs to be flushed down the toilet.

It's fine for husband & I. My motto of late, "whatever works". Of course within reason. :rofl:

by the way, I know that of late, I've been posting a lot. I seem to be coming out of my "isolation" room. Hope it isn't too much for you all. :hammer:

 

[Fran]

Linda, I think of it as custom made parenting. It's based on your kid and not the authors of books kids.
You take the normal growth and development, add whatever delay or disorder, add the results you see with regular parenting and alter the rules to suit your child.

I have done some unconventional things to get the results needed. Maybe the word should be creative.
:bravo:

 

[transformtriumph]

Each child is an individual. Some things just don't work. I know that I always studied with my radio on, sitting on my bed. I did well in school. I would not have been able to concentrate at a quiet, uncomfortable, well-lit desk.

 

[rejectedmom]

Post away Linda we are listening! As for different parenting? We have different kinds of children. Sometimes what works is not in the relm of traditional parenting. -RM

 

[Stella Johnson]

Most of the authors of those books don't have difficult children. If it works, go for it. :bravo:

steph

 

[amy4129]

Linda-
If you think about it everything we do for our difficult children is creative. How we get them to eat, dress, wash, brush teeth and function. We have different words we use, charts, rewards/ no rewards.
In our world being creative is the norm and,in my humble opinion, we don't take enough credit for the great stuff we warriors do.
So take some
:bravo: :bravo:
you did good.
Amy

 

[Janna]

No two children are the same, Linda. What may work for Perfect Child #8,954 may not work for kt. Sometimes you just have to take what works and roll with it.

In all honesty, I find it easier for me to watch what I eat when I'm at the computer. For example, I eat lunch during work, while working. I don't break and enjoy every bite of my food. So, I take a bite, do some work, go back take another bite. I get alot fuller alot faster and feel much better when I'm done. So, kt is not alone.

And it's nice seeing you. Your posts seem happier lately. I'm glad.

Janna

 

[Sarah Anne]

I applaud you for doing what works! It is amazing how creative we have to be to make things work!

 

[timer lady]

I'm reminded of Dr. Phil's infamous phrase "Is that working for you?" I have to say this to myself on a regular basis in regard to kt & wm.

There are other, less traditional ways to see things & parent my children.

Not a white picket fence kind of thing - more like rusty chain link fence. :rofl:

Yup, do like the words creative, unique, unusual SCARY. Okay, enough of that.

Thanks ladies! :warrior:

 

[pepperidge]

Hi LInda,

You have been through so many ordeals. If you find it helps to post, then bravo! It is impressive that you have the energy to function, much less post.

You know, nobody who hasn't been there done that should be telling you what to do. I know that to stop my son's raging, I often put him in front of a pretty boring video. Was it recommended? Probably not. But then the recommenders never had a kid destroying stuff either.

I am so happy for you all to hear that KT seems to be able to function reasonably well at least in short bursts in your home. It wasn't too long ago that she was splitting. So you, the Residential Treatment Center (RTC), the therapy, , maturity on her part, the phases of the moon or whatever seem to have made great progress. Crossing my fingers that it continues.

I was sorry to hear about your mom. My dad died two years ago and it still hurts when I think of special things that I would like to share with him that he isn't here for.

hugs
Chris

 

[Sharon1974]

I have been gone a while but I am glad to read that KT will be transitioning back home. I am so happy for you.

What is traditional parenting????? Every parenting book I pick up tells me something different. I take what works out of them and forget the rest. Sometimes I find something useful, usually not. JK's psychologist once told me that no doctor knows a child better than the child's parent. The parent should do what they think is best and put other advise aside.

 

[Shari]

Let's see...wee difficult child should be dead from "excessive cold" because he refuses to wear a coat most of the time (he's had one ear infection and one bug in his life...), he should weigh 300 pounds because he eats non-stop (if we don't let him, he loses weight ON RISPERDAL AND DEPAKOTE). He eats around 3000 calories a day. Whenever he's willing to sit in front of the tv, even the in-home behavior therapist cheers and encourages.

I flushed traditional parenting when he was born and didn't want to be held...flush, flush, flush.

 

[Wiped Out]

Linda,
Post away as often as you want! :smile: I agree about whatever works use it! Much of what we do as parents of difficult children isn't written about in the books. Come to think of it I bet we, as an entire group, could all write one great book about creative parenting. :warrior:

 

[hearts and roses]

Ditto what Shari said. If we did everything the 'experts' tell us to do, we'd be knee deep in...well, something bad. lol

We parented our kids differently, I admit it. We started out doing the same for both daughter's. Turned out, they were two different kids who needed two different types of parenting. Whatever works and it's constantly changing as we move along.

Linda, I am in awe of everything you've survived.

 

[SearchingForRainbows]

Linda,

I've always been an advocate of "whatever works". difficult children have gotten me to see the world in a whole new way... Sometimes, at the end of the day, I wonder how many marbles I have left in my head...

:rofl: WFEN

 

[Lori4ever]

I agree that it takes whatever works. I think it's awesome that you guys have such a great relationship!

 

[Marguerite]

Linda, if people didn't post, this site wouldn't exist.

As for "traditional parenting" - I helped my sisters raise their kids, over a number of years. In that time Dr Spock's baby book went through several different editions. I read them all (memorised some) and was confused by all the changes in his ideas and methods.

I'm now working on writing a book on how parents need to be prepared to think laterally and creatively when parenting kids who are extreme individuals. Sometimes you HAVE to break the rules.

Marg

 

[LittleDudesMom]

Linda,

I say "whatever works" as well. Most of the typical parenting advise issues are neither written by parents of difficult children nor effective on most difficult children. I like Fran's description of custom parenting. That's what it's all about in my book - whatever works.

Sharon

 

[timer lady]

I love being in good company. I've often said I'm going to write a book on taking in a special needs child. The challenges to look for; the interventions needed before any of these children even step foot in the door, etc.

Attachment tdocs are encouraging me to write something from an adoptive parent's perspective. It still would only apply to my tweedles.

You could take some of the general stuff & rework it for your child's needs.

That is a ways off though - other things to conquer first.

Thanks ladies. :smile:

 

[helpmehelphim]

Hi Linda! Your post made me smile. I've felt like that so many times. My parenting style has changed so much on this journey. I'm grateful to my children for that actually. I feel more comfortable now actually helping my son in a way that brings him relief and learning as opposed to what I used to do which fell more in line with what others expected (including some popular philosophies, some health care professionals, well meaning friends, family, etc.).

I have fought eating disorders in my life. What you are doing is exactly the right thing in my opinion (who am I to talk as though I have answers...I don't, only the experience that was mine). When one can take another's perspective and when one feels understood, trust can be built. The relationship becomes very important to the big picture (and a good trusting relationship will be protected). What I've found with my son is that he doesn't learn from pain and discomfort. He learns best and is able to cope and make changes (or at least consider them with the big future picture still in focus) when he does feel understood which seems to very much include "whatever works within reason" because it means at least for him that his needs and who he is and how he learns are at the forefront. He is more willing to go through the discomfort of "change" and "getting it" that way (so am I for that matter). I don't mean that all kids are like that, I write here about him.

This was really big for me. I wasn't raised this way at all. At my house you asked "how high" when told to jump (nothing was explained, input from children was not asked for and rules were arbitrary). But I reject that now for myself and my kids (also seeing that it totally didn't work with- me has helped that...I know from experience what it created in me and my own eating disorder has been part and parcel). It didn't work for me at all (although for a few years there in my teen years I could spin a pretty good lie to avoid getting in trouble, yet again). I've never read anything you have written (and I do read it...I learn a lot from you and I can feel your strength in your posts) to reflect this type of parenting but rather have read about your mom and the gifts she gave you as well as your own experience that brings you to where you are today. And I read about how you pass on those gifts to your children. I want nothing more than to be that type of parent...