the ex factor

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by Jena, Feb 27, 2009.

  1. Jena

    Jena New Member

    hi so i've had enough of the ex, boyfriend's that is. it's gotten to the point now where basically i'm just shutting down and even shutting boyfriend off just to avoid all the drama that is coming since her with the move.

    It has been so stressful i have to be honest i have not enjoyed the house yet and even being here because i'm so edgy.

    it started the day we moved, his ex called to talk to him. yup his fault he talks to her i know i know. she proceeds to go on to say how she's afraid now that she wont' get her money each mos. by the way it's child support and alimony he should of stopped a long time ago, yet he pays it to float the boat for her and her partner and his kids ofcourse.

    she went on to tell him that she loved him wanted him happy he doesnt' look happy, why is he taking on more bills right now etc. can you imagine? i let it go, what could i do? she called a few more times in between our move and he answered her calls as well, i still let it go.

    later that day i went to pick up his oldest child to let her help us thinking this was a good thing, apparently it was not. his oldest daughter came and her mother his ex called and asked her to walk through the house and describe it to her! than i heard his daughter say oh yes difficult child and easy child got their own room again (by the way my kids share a bedroom), on and on it went. his kids began to complain why dont' we have our own room, etc?? he said well we don't have enough money for that, yet you have your own house 5 nights a week i pay for i can only do so much yet we'll figure something out. there are 3 bedrooms, his son sleeps in the 3rd. yet i'm sure with some thought we could figure it out.

    than she goes on to attack him at work all day the next day that would be yesterday once again he makes the mistake of engaging. it goes into the night with her using the kids as a mental play card, etc. i try to be supportive, i try to listen etc.

    yet today he got nasty with me and madea comment evrything's for you and your kids. i said woo wait a minute your kids have a house of their own, we do not we rent and we can work out something here yet you need to help me my back hurts and i wont' do it all alone.

    so, i have had it with her, with him engaging with her than today suddenly turning on me due to it. nothing horrible yet made that nasty comment and we have barely text all day he won't be home till midnight. i spoke Occupational Therapist (OT) boyfriend's sister today his family is coming for difficult child's birthday on monday for cake after school. their trying to make an effort yet she went on to say how hard his ex is, how she'll never give up she is rentless how it's up to him to draw the boundaries once again with her.

    i'm not even sure why i'm posting this besides fact i think it stinks that it's happening again. i know i cna't control her, yet i won't let her control me. problem is he's still letting her control him and it's lapping over onto me.

    i should be able to enjoy this move with my kids, yet anytime boyfriend and i try to move forward in anyway she does this and tortures him (he allows it) than tortures me. by the way boyfriend also said to her you have to get our kids into therapy it's getting bad adn they need help. so that also sparked the endless attack. yet after the attack the two of them are all pink and blue again yet i'm soo not.

    thanks for letting me eat up the board. :)
  2. mstang67chic

    mstang67chic Going Green

    Venting....just one of the many services we here at perform! LOL

    Wow....I started to say that he needs to grow a pair (yeah, yeah...heading to my corner as I type) but then I realized. He HAS a pair....he just needs to get them BACK from the ex.
  3. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    Want to know how to get her goat?

    Kill her with kindness.

    Want to know how to keep boyfriend from engaging? Invite her over for dinner.

    Seriously. Scares the crappola outta them. lol That you should be friendly with ex.....why, why......she might tell you awful stuff about him.

    Believe me. I've been friends with husband's ex since 2 months after we married. Drives him nuts. Do I think husband's ex is wonderful and all........well, she's not bad once you get to know her.....but that wasn't the point. The point's awfully hard to be *itchy to someone who is always friendly and kind to you. lol

    All I can say is that it worked for me. And helped with K as she wasn't caught in the middle of all that drama.

  4. Jena

    Jena New Member

    hi thanks!! it's sooo good just to be heard sometimes. i could care less about her and yes i've done the kill with kindness thing for 2 years now, yoiu just do not know what she is like. ive never met anyone like her.

    my problem is he's turning on me now. blaming me for moving here because his ex doens't think this was a good move, his kids are complaining they don't have their own rooms, give me a break really though they have a house 5 nights a week. we do that for them with our monthly money together.

    it's basically a nightmare i'm sad to say right now at least. so, at the end of the day he'd better man up once again to her bs. i'm sooo done with her manipulation and control of him and him letting her.

    when we announcd our wedding last summer, well let em tell you the fit she had it was unreal
  5. Andy

    Andy Active Member

    You state the alimony should have ended long ago? I would use that. Let her know that you will be setting up a court appearance to discuss boyfriend's legal obligations and what would be a good day for her in about two to three months to be in court?

    I know, you have no say over actual court dates but I think it time to revisit this issue. You and the kids should not be suffering because she is asking too much! Her kids are being selfish! I would be embarrased if my children went into anyone's home and complained about the owner's kids having a room to sleep in. Duh, of course your girls will have a bedroom! I know they are boyfriend's kids and you do want the best for them and you would love to have a bigger place to do so but you can only do what you can do. I think my suggestion is that you split up visitation nights. The boy comes two nights a week and the girls another two nights. Those kids can all share your 3rd room that way.
  6. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    I think Andy is on to something- and I like the idea about dinner, too. Invite her and the kids for dinner. Then, discuss how you and boyfriend can see what a mistake moving there was and you do need a bigger place so all the kids can have a bedroom (make sure the kids hear this too). Then, boyfriend can politely let herr know that he can no longer afford to pay her alimony, he has his own house to worry about.

    Did you say she's remarried? If so, I can see still paying child support, but not alimony.
  7. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    Well, I'm sorry ex is such a major piece of work. Keep killing her with kindness though, don't let her see you sweat.

    I like the idea of inviting them all to dinner, kids too, to get all the cards on the table. There is no sense in you guys doing without so that Miss Ex can have her cake and eat it too.

    As for the bedroom situation.......Well, too bad so sad. Life is what it is. You all are doing the best you can do. Maybe your husband should request all over paid alimony money be returned so perhaps he can afford a bigger place so everyone fits nicely.

    If you and husband start going at each other's throats over this.......well, let's just say that's exactly what ex is aiming for......and she's gonna keep it up and pile it higher.

    Somehow you and husband have got to work together on this. Rather stupid of her to complain about your housing and yet also complain she's worried about getting money she's not entitled to. Talk about in your face manipulation.

    Have you asked husband why he feels she's entitled to alimony now that she's remarried?? Maybe he just needs to stop and think that thru a bit. Child support is great. But it's her and her new husband's responsibility to finanacially run their household, not his. (I'm thinking she's laid a guilt trip on him and is using emotion to override his thinking)

    You need to get this settled before those wedding bells ring, and get ex properly put into her place. But don't be surprised if things don't escalate as that wedding date draws nearer. Sounds like you have a "I'm entitled to be happy, but he isn't" sort of thing going on.

    I feel for you.

  8. Steely

    Steely Active Member

    Well, I am gonna step off a cliff here - and say - it appears boyfriend still has some feelings for ex. Sorry that is just my gut reaction here.
    No one can feel guilty enough to pay alimony for someone who now has a new partner - unless they still feel something for that person.
    No one would take someones calls repeatedly unless there is still something keeping him tied into her.
    Now that does not mean he does not really love you - it is just appears he has not let go of some hold she has on him.
    It is not normal to keep paying her money when he does not have to and then be made to feel guilty.

    I wish I had a better answer than that. And then again keep in mind this is coming from someone who has been married twice so what do I know:ashamed:
    Do you guys go to therapy?
  9. ML

    ML Guest

    All I can add is that second/merged families are extremely challenging. They can work but they take a lot of work.

    He needs to consider setting some boundaries with how often he takes her calls. You are within your rights to ask him to make it clear to her that her input about your family, your choices together are none of her business. Unless he can draw those boundaries, it simply can't work with you. He needs to make some decisions here about what he is willing to do. He has to decide to stop giving her this power, but you might have to draw a line in the sand here, I don't see him doing it without some gentle pressure.

    I'm sorry you are going through this. I know how hard it is.

    Love, ML
  10. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    I'm on Husband 3.0...and I'm going to vote with Steely. She has some kind of hold on him (guilt or whatever else) to make him do what she wants. I lived it with Husband 1.0.
  11. Jena

    Jena New Member

    steely nailed it on the head, although i always appreciate everyone else's in put bigtime.

    i knew this going in two years ago due to the nature of the break up and i was ok with it and have worked thru some stuff with it and do get he loves me.

    yet thsi is totally different now. he seems to be turning on me which kinda svcks being we just moved into a big house together. i do believe it is very much due to his ex, he states no. yet we have had our share of problems obviously and therapy has happened and yup we need work.

    yet we moved in here together our choice, our commitment yet once his ex wasn't happy and threw a major fit and messed with his mind he began to start on me by saying all the stuff kids dont' have room, blah blah all sorts of stuff for the past day or so.

    now i'm kinda like well i do the best i can if that isnt' good enough i do not know what to tell you i give up. the control and manipulation of his ex on him has to end at some point or he can go find someone else. so i guess strangely enough we are at a climactic point in our relationship which to be honest i didnt' think would happen 3 days into new place or this way.

    she's lost it in teh past his ex, and i have taken my hits along the way yet all for the most part's been calm. yet that was when we were living in a box she liked that and hoped we'd break up yet we survived a ton of stuff and now with the house thing she lost it bad and his reaction was based off that.

    loyalty comes first and he kinda went against me now. wrong, wrong, wrong.

    i'll get 2 jobs if i have to float this place alone, he really doesn't get what i'm made out of.
  12. ML

    ML Guest

    We get what you're made of. Never underestimate a warrior mom. I still think you should lay it out there and make him choose between loyalties. If he can't put you first you don't need him. You are a young, beautiful, smart and funny woman and you deserve to have somone in your life who values you and puts your relationship first. Love, ML
  13. Jena

    Jena New Member

    ML perfectly stated and thank you so much for the boost!!!! :) you are a true friend, all of you are.

    we sat up till 3 a.m. last night hashing it out, oh boy did we hash it out all of it the ex his kids, sleep arrangements, our relationship, all of it.

    we went to bed calm, some clarification on some topics, some still a bit grey yet with the understanding that we keep on going and keep on trying and he apologized for some stuff that he did that was wrong.

    it's just a whole lotta drama and i'm growing tired of it, so is he in regards to the kid aspect of it all.

    than today easy child kicked up once we figured out sleeping arrangements, she threw a fit over having to share her room 2 nights a week with his oldest so his oldest can sleep in a bed. i said overall get over it, bottom line.

    if my ex put my kids on a couch and had his wife's kids up in rooms i have to be totally honest i wouldn't be too happy if he didn't make some type of provisions for my kids.

    so, i can totally see why ppl can't make 2nd marriages or relationships with kids and ex's work.
  14. Steely

    Steely Active Member

    Hugs Jena........
    Like someone said - you are strong, important, and powerfully beautiful. You will overcome this obstacle one way or another.
    I am glad you guys got to talk it out........
    I hope this is on to bigger and better things.