The FB post

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by BusynMember, Aug 20, 2019.

  1. BusynMember

    BusynMember Well-Known Member

    We blocked Kay, but one of her "friends" startled us by calling. We thought something was wrong so we answered to a scolding.

    She said Kay knows that our other daughter Amy is living with us right now and that this is.proof to her that her adoption makes her "undesirable" (her word). It is up on FB. She posted that she is feeling as if nobody cares about her so she may have to use more drugs or worse. Again this is how it was read to me. And the friend rushed her words.

    For all I know, Kay put her up to it, but this shattered our month of peace. Of course our other daughter Amy and her kids are are angels and help a lot and say how much they love and appreciate us. It is temporary until Amys house is built. But I am swimming in guilt.

    Shaking today. Husband is quiet and just shook his head.

    We blocked this friend but she got her point across before I could disconnect. The shock made my reflexes slow.
  2. ckay87

    ckay87 Member

    I don't have anything helpful to say, but allow me just to vent in a way you might appreciate....

    I have ZERO patience for people who use the fact that they are adopted as a reason to play victim. I was adopted as a baby. I always knew I was adopted and this has given me an unmatched sense of gratitude. Had I been kept by my birthmother, who is to say the opportunities I would have been denied? Who is to say the abuse or neglect I've been spared as a result of being adopted? Two sets of parents worked to make sure that I had a wonderful life, and I'm nothing but grateful to all involved.

    I'm sort of new here, so you may have a more complicated story, but I'm such a proponent for adoption, I hate to see the process denigrated by anyone.

    And I'm so sorry this happened. Like everyone here, I'm in a similar state with my sons. Our peace of mind is SO fragile, isn't it? It can be broken with one ring of the phone. I hope you find some calm today.
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    Last edited: Aug 20, 2019
  3. BusynMember

    BusynMember Well-Known Member

    Hi and thank you. Yes, our peace of mind can be blown in an instant.

    Kay used being adopted as a weapon against us starting around eleven. She felt we were a mismatch and was and is very bitter about being in a family that is full of personalities that she can't relate to. Our family on both sides is quiet, polite, apt to turn away from conflict, academically gifted, athletic and kind in a soft way. Kay is and always has been funloving, dramatic, very loud, musically gifted, artistically inclined, an average student, unmotivated, and rather depressed and anxious. She is also unusually beautiful in.a family that goofs around about our very average appearances. Kay could have been a model but she didn't want to fo the work.

    Kay was also adopted from abroad so we "kidnapped" her from her heritage although her birthmother had relinquished her parental rights. We were aware of actual kidnapping of kids for adoption so we were meticulous.

    I do feel social workers who match families should take more care, but Kay was very young. How did anyone k ow her personality? She was a few months old.

    We loved her to the heavens and still do, although a tiredness is attached to that love now. A feeling that it is hopeless, that we need to keep rescuing her in order for her to even act civil toward us. It is heartbreaking.

    This was not something my husband and I needed on this beautiful morning. I can't help the guilt, although I know it is irrational.

    God bless you.
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  4. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    I hate what these women did to you. This was a deadly ambush, pure and simple. This was a deadly assault. Kay is not a marauder she is an assassin. And this "friend' is her accomplice.

    What they said is absolute garbage, but that does not mean it does not pollute all it comes near with its stench. There is no truth to any of what she says. She weaponizes everything. It only underscores the rightness of all you are doing, to pull away.

    Kay is ungrateful and she is cruel. I hate that this happened. Maybe it's time to rethink social media and to remove any potential way for her to get to you. You owe her nothing. You owe yourself every safety that is possible.
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  5. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    Just rotten.

    Don't let it ruin your day or you.

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  6. BusynMember

    BusynMember Well-Known Member

    Thanks Copa and RN.

    We did not post about Amy on our FB nor did Amy or our son. Maybe a relative told her, but that would be disheartening to think they would. Still it could happen.

    I guess next time a "friend" of Kay's calls we will let the person leave a message rather than engaging.

    This did ruin my day but it is only one day. Kay knows darn well why Amy can live here and she can't.
  7. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    You guys and Amy are doing nothing wrong that needs to be concealed from anybody. Your relationship with Amy is one of a loving adult child and loving parents. To have her and her family be with you, forever, if you would want this, is totally your right. Nothing to hide. It deserves to be visible, in the light.

    The problem here is Kay and only Kay's. She is responsible for every.single.thing. She has abused your love, your help and your confidence. She has betrayed and used and manipulated you. And now she wants to cruelly inflict punishment on you, for what, for protecting yourselves from her, her outrageous entitlement, lack of boundaries. bad behavior, and more abuse.
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  8. WiseChoices

    WiseChoices Active Member

    It's none of the friend's business what happens on your Family and it is not her place to tell you anything.

    Sounds like your daughter may be playing the "manipulation by guilt" game. Don't let her emotionally blackmail you. Addicts use because they are addicts and they have problems with themselves . You did not cause this. You can't Control it. You can't cure it. Your daughter is entitled to her opinion, but that does not make it the truth.

    Do something nice for yourself . Breathe.
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  9. Chasejazz

    Chasejazz “No story is a straight line... ".

    These are the emotional ambushes of which I spoke -- out of nowhere. The telephone, the mailbox.
    As an adoptee, I cannot, I do not subscribe to that point of view...
    It's not an excuse, but ammunition.
    I have the utmost respect for my parents and I love them dearly and am so glad they adopted me.
    How sad to adopt a child, to choose to invite a child into your life only for things to fall apart like they have with your daughter. I'm sorry that things turned out that way for you.
    I learned various things about my daughter, and her/our business via Facebook.
    I blocked her many years ago, and that relationship has truly run its final course.
    I have locked down my social media to only allow my name and photograph to be seen by anyone but friends.

    I don't like things that come out of the blue, those proverbial sneak attacks, like what happened to you today.
    And yes, I know that kind of shock.
    Shell shock. Battle fatigue.

    I will be thinking of you. I hope things settle down for a bit. Improve.

    "What we lost in the fire, we will find in the ashes..." - The Magnificent Seven
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  10. BusynMember

    BusynMember Well-Known Member

    Thank you. All of you.

    Amy is only here until her house is finished. I feel guilty about this, but I wouldn't care if she stayed forever.
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  11. SeekingStrength

    SeekingStrength Well-Known Member


    Feel no guilt about this. Please.

    We should surround ourselves with people who treat us kindly. It is a wonderful, wonderful thing that you have Amy and your grandchildren who add to your life and not take away from it.

    You have nothing to feel guilt about. Nothing.

    Turn your face and attention away from the mean-spirited ambush (aimed to get $$ for an addict) and totally focus on all the wonderful, loving things and people.

    It takes lots of practice, but you will eventually lose the guilt and revel in the love. All the while, always loving Kay and hoping she will come around. (at least, that is how it has played out for husband and me).

    Hugs tonight,
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  12. pasajes4

    pasajes4 Well-Known Member

    How horrible for you. My heart goes out to you.
  13. Nomad

    Nomad Well-Known Member

    How awful.
    And how unfair.

    We are not fb friends with our adopted adult daughter who from what I understand has put odd things on FB, but I don’t think has put that type of thing.

    However, she has played that adoption card often over the years and it gets old.
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  14. BusynMember

    BusynMember Well-Known Member

    Thanks, Nomad. It does get old. We loved her to all ends of the universe. Our love is still there, but it is weighed down and tired now and I am not convinced she loves us. Unless we give to her, we never hear from her
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  15. ChickPea

    ChickPea Active Member

    Another adopted kiddo here and I feel the same way as the others. I'm sure if my daughter were adopted it would just be one more thing she can throw fire at me about. Her situation could have happened biological or not.

    I'm sorry you were ambushed like that. I never like being "talked to" or confronted about our situation by people that my daughter associates with because they are likely all coming from a half truth situation, and I haven't time, patience, or desire to fill them in on the details. The person it talking about things they no nothing about and aren't living in.
  16. toughlovin

    toughlovin Well-Known Member

    Oh Busy those phone calls are so hard. I dont know the friends tone when she called but it could be she saw kays post and was worried and thought you should know. Several times over the years I have gotten phone calls (or messages via fb messenger) from someone my son had messaged sounding like he was suicidal. I always thanked them for letting me know because it was the right thing to do.

    But the manipulation my son was doing at the time always bugged me and of course I always had to follow up.

    Its funny how different kids react to being adopted. Both my kids are adopted and yet my daughter has fewer issues around it than my son does.
  17. BusynMember

    BusynMember Well-Known Member

    This was an angry, scolding call. I think Kay set her up to do it. She has used this method before.

    I am so tired today. I went home from work after a half a day to try to relax.
  18. Beta

    Beta Active Member

    Dear Busy, I hope you will take some time while you're home today to rest and to engage in some form of self-care. It's just self-preservation.