The Last Straw Part 2

So day 2,

I get an email at work that seemed sincere and somewhat optimistic about my daughter returning to get more her and my grand child’s things. I responded likewise with a positive tone and outlook on us having space and time to heal and that what I know for sure is that we can’t live under the same roof if we ever hope to have any type of relationship in the future. I apologized for my part in the toxic relationship we have and owned that it wasn’t all on her. I asked if I could still see and spend time with my GD and on her terms.

Well I think she was waiting on an opportunity to go off full blast on me. She let me have it again and then one more time! She went back to everything being my fault, said I was egotistical and judgmental, she brought up her dad, my husband and my degrees, my marriage, my house and all the other stuff that I have done to mess up her life. She also did exactly what I knew she was going to do… told me that would not get to see my grand daughter because I put her out, in the winter, right before Christmas during a pandemic! I know she wanted me to go back and forth with her but I didn’t. I told her whatever she decided as far as my granddaughter was concerned was her decision and it is what it is.

So the kickerS are that she came and got who knows what today because she didn’t take much of the babies clothes or shoes, she said she needed money until her check comes, wanted to know if I would continue to pay for her stuff that’s in storage and if I was going to keep paying her car insUranus. I was totally amazes and bedazzled at how she curses me in one breath but still needs my help in the next.

Well I’m done paying for storage as of 1st of the year, she either pays it or loses her stuff. I’m not giving her a dime to go buy weed and fast food and I’m on the fence about her car insurance simply because I know she needs transportation to go to work.

She wanted me to to ask her to stay and I didnt and can’t do this back and forth negativity and arguing with her anymore. She has to grow up and figure it out. I have to let go and trust God to handle this. At what point do I get to have a life that’s free of adult child drama?

I didn’t sleep well or at all last night and I was sad all day but those lady two emails my daughter sent today were the confirmation and kick to the head I needed to know I’m doing the right thing. Any thoughts or insight on my situation are welcomed.

Peace and sleep tonight,
Skool Teacher
 
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BusynMember1

Well-Known Member
Sweet LADY, THIS IS THe CYCLE OF ADDICTION. IT is a lot like the abuse of a spouse. They are horrible to us, then because they want our money they apologize. And we are grateful and are happy to admit every little thing we have ever done wrong. We feel good demeaning our mothering skills to cleanse the air. We think we have squared it out. We know we were loving mothers, but all people make mistakes, right?

We expect things to be better now. Then they come back with venom, like the spouse who cried to us and swore he would never beat us again if only we would forgive him and give him another chance. We are stunned (each time) because we thought this was a new beginning, a fresh start. We are devastated.

Usually as soon as we deny them money, the abuse starts all over again. I have learned that, at least for us, Kay was only.nice to us if we gave her money on her terms. It had to be on her terms. As soon as we tried to no longer pay for her to not thrive she was back to nasty again. It was like a merry go round. This is NOT normal parent/kid behavior. We have two other kids! They are furious with Kay. She tried to get money from them too but they never would give any, so she doesn't talk to any of us.

Kay is all about what we will do for her. She is not about giving back though.

We are off the merry go round now. We are happier. Her son is in the custody of my daughter Amy. If I had not had Amy I would have called CPS. I am too old to raise a toddler to eighteen. But there are young parents that want kids and can do it. We were lucky that Amy fought for Jaden though.

I guess the point.of this ramble is that your daughter is pretty typical of the adults who bring us here, and that you are doing all anyone can. Money doesn't help them grow up and we can't live forever. Then what, if they are dependent.on.us? They must NOT be. Or how will they survive once we are gone?

Be good to yourself. I suggest Nar Anon online Zoom meetings and talk therapy or at least one of them. You don't have to feel alone. You are not alone.

Love and prayers to a brave kind woman.
 
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Acacia

Well-Known Member
Oh boy, is the pain of this familiar. If you're a school teacher like I was until I retired two years ago, hello to a colleague.

My difficult daughter who is now 41 with two children has not spoken to me for four years and has kept my grandchildren from me. I tried to help hundreds of times in so many ways: money, rent, cars, taking her in, hiring lawyers, traveling to retrieve her from her choices, paying for therapy, and on, and on. It sounds like you have done as much to help your daughter turn her life around.

My daughter always showed up when she wanted rescuing, but wanted little to do with me otherwise. I am the villain in her story. The verbal abuse, worry, rage, legal issues took their toll. I hear them taking their toll on you. I came to believe that I deserve to be treated with kindness and respect. You deserve that too.

You are justified in setting boundaries to protect yourself emotionally and physically. It's heartbreaking and hurts to see those we love on their destructive paths, especially when children are involved, but I think you are making the right choice. I am strong, but I still stumble and fall. It takes healing and practice to hold the boundaries and detach with love. Be gentle with yourself on this journey.
 

ksm

Well-Known Member
I am so sorry. Even when you know you are doing the right thing, it still hurts, I hope you can see a therapist or go to daily group meetings like NarAnon or AlAnon or other similar programs. I find being part of a support group helps me and then I can help others. How old is your grandchild? My great grand is almost 20 months and I haven't seen him for 6 months, he is out of state right now (a long story I have posted about).

It hurts..,but sometimes we have no good options. Ksm
 
I am so sorry. Even when you know you are doing the right thing, it still hurts, I hope you can see a therapist or go to daily group meetings like NarAnon or AlAnon or other similar programs. I find being part of a support group helps me and then I can help others. How old is your grandchild? My great grand is almost 20 months and I haven't seen him for 6 months, he is out of state right now (a long story I have posted about).

It hurts..,but sometimes we have no good options. Ksm
Hi KSM,

My grand daughter will be 15 months on Saturday. Yes, it hurts more than words can say but it’s been heading this way between us for the past year. I’m tired and I need peace in my home. She is an adult and I’m no longer legally responsible for her is my new mantra. I have found a NarAnon group that is not too far from my house that holds meetings once a week. Going to check them out and give it a try because I really do need some support right now. Thank you for your kind words.

Peace and blessings,
Skool Teacher
 
Oh boy, is the pain of this familiar. If you're a school teacher like I was until I retired two years ago, hello to a colleague.

My difficult daughter who is now 41 with two children has not spoken to me for four years and has kept my grandchildren from me. I tried to help hundreds of times in so many ways: money, rent, cars, taking her in, hiring lawyers, traveling to retrieve her from her choices, paying for therapy, and on, and on. It sounds like you have done as much to help your daughter turn her life around.

My daughter always showed up when she wanted rescuing, but wanted little to do with me otherwise. I am the villain in her story. The verbal abuse, worry, rage, legal issues took their toll. I hear them taking their toll on you. I came to believe that I deserve to be treated with kindness and respect. You deserve that too.

You are justified in setting boundaries to protect yourself emotionally and physically. It's heartbreaking and hurts to see those we love on their destructive paths, especially when children are involved, but I think you are making the right choice. I am strong, but I still stumble and fall. It takes healing and practice to hold the boundaries and detach with love. Be gentle with yourself on this journey.
Hi Acacia,

I am currently in the teaching profession and a few years from retiring myself. Nice to hear from fellow teacher!

I’ve done most of the things you mentioned for my daughter and then some and it’s never enough ever! I’m sure I’ve aged 10 years in the last year from all her drama. This has been going on since high school. I’m tired, it hurts like hell and I’m done. Tonight was the first night in a long time where ther was zero tension in my home. Praise God, I can breathe tonight. I’m going to miss my grand daughter and hope it’s not for months or years but I will adjust to whatever comes my way with this. I hope and pray for the best.

Thank you for your kind words and I intend to enjoy my quiet evenings and life from now on…drama and adult child FREE!
 

Nomad

Well-Known Member
Staff member
My daughter seems a lot like Busy’s
In her thirties. Ungrateful to the max.
We very recently big time stopped the money train and she has already started sending nasty texts. Even after she did something horrendous to us costing us significant money and stress. No remorse. Argumentative to the extreme. Ungrateful to the max. Asks fir money constantly and then in the same breath is snarky.
We are done as well.
 

Nomad

Well-Known Member
Staff member
It was lovely to read that you had a peaceful night…the first in a long time. (((Hugs)))
 
It was lovely to read that you had a peaceful night…the first in a long time. (((Hugs)))
Thank you Nomad. I really needed that hug for today. Was told today that “I’m on punishment“ for my actions and that I will NOT see, talk to or hear from my grandchild until I‘ve learned my lesson I about a year or so. I’m hurt beyond words but the venom she spit today keeps me grounded knowing I needed to get that poison out of my house. Hopefully it won’t be a year but who knows.

She is saying this to me and I’m still helping her financially by paying her car insurance. How does she think she can talk to me any kind of way I will continue to help her or that I owe her anything? She keeps saying she’s the bad guy but this is not fair to her child and how can I make make my grandchild homeless? She keeps using her child as a pawn to manipulate me and make me feel sorry and guilty. It tugs at my heart strings but not enough to let her come back and keep disrespecting me. She’s not here and is still causing me stress.
 

BusynMember1

Well-Known Member
I dont have much time but did you ever think of calling cps or getting a lawyer for your grandson? Maybe they will make sure HE is safe and force your daughter to get help or to relinquish him to you or another safe person?

Our daughter eventually voluntarily.gave.her son to my other daughter so he is safe. It's legal now. He is doing much better.

I would not worry about your daughter, the adult. She.is able to do better than she.is and you can't help her or force her. You deserve peace. Your daughter is blackmailing you. She wants your money. So typical. That was all my daughter wanted. She gave up her own child when she realized that he would .no longer get her money from us. We closed The Bank of Dad and Mom.


This.ia very hard but.our abusive kids treat us worse than some abusive spouses do and we put.up with the abuse too long.

You may also try a shelter for domesric abuse. They will help you.. They offer therapy and other help. They know the system. Your grandson needs you to know the system.

We are done with our daughter but.it took ten horrible years. We are strong and close now and our grandson is safe.

. Please get help. Nar Anon is online now and helped us a ton. They do Zoom. Look up Nar Anon on the internet to learn when and how to get on a meeting

Love and prayers.
 
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