Classic gaslighting! Ugh. Trying to get you to question what you heard and saw with your own ears and eyes. And turning it around so HE gets to play the victim when you call him on it. This kind of behavior actually bothers me more than an occasional loss of temper and name calling. Because it’s premeditated, not a momentary loss of control.Said he was justified calling my husband what he did and storming out because my husband was yelling, screaming, and cursing (he wasn't...I heard the entire exchange). Told me I misheard and that his hearing is better than mine, and that I was in another room. (I wasn't, I was standing right there in the kitchen between them. Told me "Eff you, you're calling me a liar and insulting me and I don't have to put up with that.
I’m so sorry this is all falling apart on you. But I think moments like this can be clarifying. As you say, you know now you’ve done what you can. You’ve provided an opportunity and laid out the parameters of what you’re willing to do and what he needs to do. If he chooses to go back to Chicago that’s entirely on him.
I hope he does not go back to a Chicago. But you sound strong and clear either way. Good for you for holding him accountable and holding your boundaries. Unfortunately some of our children seem to be drawn to the drama. Hang in there!