I studied for this entrance exam the last 2 times. But no where near like I'm studying for it this time. I wake up and start studying while I'm still having my coffee. The books aren't put away until around 8pm...and twice now I've picked them up again later and studied until around 2 am. The first try I was pretty c ocky, believing that I make excellent grades and would pass with no hoo hoo. Afterall, I knew several not very book smart people who had passed it without too much effort. The 2nd time I was determined to get the Math learned so I could pass it. The math was the only thing I'd done bad in the first time around. And I was equally certain not to hit the back button thus throwing myself out of the test whereby shooting myself in the foot. I studied Math for a week, and went over my notes on other subjects. Only problem was.......that test was in some other rhelm than the first one. I swear, the two weren't even on the same acedemic level. And honestly, I'm surprised I missed it by only 2 pts. Cuz that test was every test takers worst nightmare!! This time around I'm neither c ocky or confident. I'm right there with everyone else. I'm scared to death. Reading is ok. Language not bad, neither is spelling as long as I pay attention. (I hate the way they set up the words) Sciences...General (I swear to God can be any question they happen to think of) Life, which is almost as bad, Chemistry.......OMG I'm having to re-learn every formula I ever learned along with everything else we had last year........biology doesn't usually worry me except it's over stuff I had last year and I'm scared I'm going to forget to look over something..... The sciences are tough. GULP Yup. But science happens to be my thing. Thankfully. So I'm coping. But the Math!!! Ok. I'm getting it. But I'm too darn slow!! I practice the Math every day for hours. Then take the practice tests online so I can get used to doing it with that frimpin clock ticking away. And I've yet to make it thru the test without the time running out. What sadist came up with the idea to put a timer on a Math test??? Oh, and not just any math test.......But one that covers every possible type of friggin math you've had throughout your entire life and haven't used since you were in high school the first time bell bottoms went out of style! College algebra? No help. Why? Because we were required to do all the math on a calculator because that's how it's done in the real world. I can do this stuff (ok still working on percents) on a calculator. But with pencil and paper.....long division scares the crappola out of me. I didn't learn it in school, I taught myself thru trial and error as a grown up. It's not old hat to me. ugh!! I see a long division problem and I go brain dead because the old panic sets in. I guess I should be grateful fractions and decimals no longer send me blubbering into a corner. *sarcastic laughter here* easy child is coming over to help me tomorrow afternoon and I'm gonna feel like such a dummy. How did I ever get thru Math as a minor in hs and never have this stuff?? Um....well. As it turns out, I have my own weird way of doing Math that compensated for never learning the right way, but it doesn't work with a timer. It takes too long. And I've never, in all the years of Math......even thru hs algebra and geometry ever been able to work a word problem. And not due to lack of trying. A word problem can reduce me to tears in less than ten seconds. And if you haven't guessed by now........YES I'm panicking!!! I've soaked 90.00 into this test already. 90.00 we don't have to waste. Not to mention 2 1/2 years of school loans. I'm upset that I already failed twice. (upset isn't quite the word I'm looking for) Just the thought of the possibilty of failing it yet again is too much. I try telling myself there are other options. I can do the LPN. I've already passed it for that. I can do repiratory therapy, already passed for that too. I can do the paramedic. All good. Great. Wonderful. I'm not sure I know how to put how I feel into words. While those other choices are great. And I am glad I have them. At the moment they don't matter. Passing this test is all that matters. (guess you didn't know I could be so anal over something, huh?) I've got to pass this test. Period. It's something I have to do for me. Why? Because I failed it. Because the woman who cheated on every frimping test in anatomy....who can't even say the words in chemistry or anatomy......who nearly failed algebra......PASSED that frimping test!!! And I hate to say it because it makes me sound like a petty person, but it gets under my skin to no end that someone who cheats to pass and is not bright enough to keep the difference between superior and inferior or her femur and her radius straight in her head...passed the d amn thing and I can't. God forgive me but it makes me want to strangle her. What's worse is she is actually a nice person. ugh! Another reason......... before the truck hit me I could've passed it hands down without studying, timer or no d amn timer. But my lovely head injury makes remembering things harder, and keeping numbers in my head a monumental task. Let's just say......I know how Nichole feels. So I'm spending 12-14 or more hours a day with my nose in a book. Actually, as long as it's taken to vent in this post is the longest I've had my nose out of a book since Tuesday evening, except to sleep. The family has pretty much stopped talking to me because I don't hear them anyway. They've stopped thinking I've gone crazy. They now realize all the talking to myself is just me reading aloud over and over and over. They even have to remind me to eat. I am so scared all of this will be for nothing. That I'll fail again. The difficult child kid in me is there laughing at me on the side lines telling me I'm stupid, and who did I think I was that I could ever do this. I'm the one who always quits or fails. And I'd better quit before I humilliate myself once again. And as much as I keep telling myself I haven't been that difficult child kid in 25 + years........it's awful to discover she's still there. It may seem like just a test to anyone else. But to me it's far more than a test. I've failed at so many things in the past. I don't want to fail at this too. If you made it thru all the madness, thanks for listening. Think I'll go have a good cry. Maybe that'll releave some of the stress.