The Trip Down "Denial River" Continues...

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by DaisyFace, Jan 3, 2013.

  1. DaisyFace

    DaisyFace Love me...Love me not

    Earlier in the school year, I posted that difficult child had volunteered to be the accompanist for a Black History Month program/concert at her school. She cannot read music, nor has she taken any piano lessons - but she assumed that she could learn the necessary music listening and copying individual notes on her electronic keyboard.

    Since difficult child had not asked permission, nor consulted with her parents for taking on this assignment - we decided she could handle the situation on her own. IOW - her father and I have no intention of seeking out the teacher in charge and trying to extricate difficult child from the concert.

    So - since husband and I have heard nothing from the teacher directly...we are getting all of our info about the concert filtered through difficult child's fantasy world:

    Every few weeks, the teacher has given difficult child a new song to learn. According to difficult child, this is because the teacher cannot decide which song to sing for the concert. So when he has assigned a new song - she immediately forgets about the previous songs. Obviously, those are no longer important.

    There have been several rehearsals for the concert - of which difficult child has attended one. She feels there is no need to rehearse so far ahead of the concert.

    At the one rehearsal she did attend - difficult child's strategy was to wait until the singers started, and then play a basic chord or two to match their voices. She says the teacher told her that they really want to hear her play. This means, of course, that the program is really all about difficult child. The teacher even said that Black History Month was all about giving people a chance to shine - especially those that don't usually have the chance. difficult child explained that this means the teacher knows she is really talented, but her parents never let her perform.

    And finally, when I got my new 2013 calendar and wanted to fill in the date for this concert - difficult child explained that it hasn't been decided yet. What??? Oh yeah, the teacher doesn't seem to know when it will be...

    So...I don't know what to think. I know that difficult child is not the least bit prepared to perform at a public event.

    I wonder if she knows?
  2. dstc_99

    dstc_99 Well-Known Member

    Wow that is one heck of a Fantasy World!
  3. AnnieO

    AnnieO Shooting from the Hip

    DF... Is the concert part of that fantasy?!
  4. SuZir

    SuZir Well-Known Member

    Wow, and do you know what is a scariest thing? It is totally possible she may be able to pull it off. This doesn't sound like a teacher who would know her well and be very involved with her. If so, it is not unlikely that she would not go to trouble to addressing the issue. If she can'e get another student to do it in this short notice, difficult child may get away with just playing a basic chord or two. Teacher has probably already understood she isn't too in touch with reality in this matter and confronting someone like that and dealing with the aftermath is tedious to say the least. Not something the teacher may be ready to do.

    And your difficult child will likely not ever understand she didn't do well. After the concert they will thank the performers and your difficult child will be sure she was a star of the night. Others are not too likely to confront her directly, they will just speak behind her back and she will not get chosen to similar tasks again in future.

    Unfortunately while she may not be confronted, it doesn't mean that blame isn't going around. Wear your best rhino suite to the concert. You can bet some parents and other kids are not amused. And you will be the one in blame. Happens every time.
  5. DaisyFace

    DaisyFace Love me...Love me not

    Honestly - I'm beginning to wonder about that myself...
  6. DaisyFace

    DaisyFace Love me...Love me not

    SuZir -

    Gosh, I didn't even think about that! I figured she'd probably just "get sick" or something at the last minute...

    But you are right! Even if the show is a total disaster, people will be too polite to say anything to difficult child's face. She will have been the star! (And then what will life be like? Yikes!)
  7. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    The fall from her unicorn that is going to happen is going to be VERY painful for all concerned. My mind boggles at the idea that she truly believes this stuff. Sadly, it really sounds like her view of herself is this skewed and out of touch with reality.

    I wonder what, or rather how many, other strange beliefs about her abilities persist in her mind?

    From what you describe, it sounds like she is working HARD to believe that her fictions are realities.

    Part of me feels sorry for her. She has dug a hole she cannot possibly get out of and she doesn't want to stop digging because it means she would have to admit her lies. At this point she may even believe them.

    The teachers and kids at school are going to eat her alive after the show. Esp if the teacher doesn't wise up to difficult child's magical thinking before the concert. Part of me says to warn the teacher, but most of me says to just stay OUT of it until after the concert or her lies are exposed, whichever comes first. difficult child is NOT going to want to go to school after she either refuses to go or she goes and proves that she cannot play at all. She is going to have a lot to answer for, to the teacher, the other kids and likely to the administrators. I sincerely hope that the teacher receives some consequences for just taking difficult child at face value even though difficult child has not ever played even one song after all this time.

    I would call the office to see when/if a performance is being given at school during that month.

    I understand and applaud the decision to not alert this teacher and to let difficult child face this music with little help/support/interference from you. Just be careful because she is in no way equipped to handle the truth about herself if she is confronted with it.

    How can this teacher truly expect difficult child to perform in front of a crowd when difficult child won't come to rehearsals, won't play anything but a basic chord when she does show up, and is so cavaler about the entire thing? This sounds so truly bizarre to me. Do you know if there truly is a teacher who expects her to play for the performance? Does she truly expect difficult child to play, or did difficult child invent that request and find the music herself or take it from a classroom?

    whatever happens, hopefully difficult child learns a lesson about telling this type of lie. But I won't hold my breath.
  8. greenrene

    greenrene Member

    I had been wondering what was going on with that situation, DF.

    Just... wow.
  9. JJJ

    JJJ Active Member

    Eeyore did this. When it all came crashing down, he ended up in PHP for a week. If she's like him, most of her believes her version of the truth and will be devastated when she ends up embarrassed and everyone angry at her.
  10. DaisyFace

    DaisyFace Love me...Love me not

    I don't know....everything I hear is coming from difficult child herself - so its hard to know what is true.

    I do remember from performing in high-school programs myself, that the accompanist was usually NOT at rehearsals. The idea was that we students had to get it together before we were even ready for the musicians to be there. So I can see that difficult child would not be required to be at rehearsals if that's the way they are running it. Logically, though, there should be some dress rehearsals for which difficult child will be required to perform before the actual show.

    The music difficult child says she has been asked to play is music that she does not seem to know, so it seems unlikely that she is pulling these pieces out of the air....somebody is asking her to listen to it/play it - and the theme of the songs has been inspirational / positive thinking....not difficult child's usual stuff.
  11. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    This is really bizarre because I had something similar in Jr High Choir. We had this choir that was open to everyone even if they couldnt carry a tune in a bucket...that would be me. It also taught us about music. I ended up getting my Jr High letter in that class because I did a really good research Some got a letter by singing. Some got letters for sports or cheerleading. Yeah those were the days when I wanted to fit in...sigh.

    Anyway, for one of our end of the year concerts, one of the songs we were doing was Love Story and my music teacher played piano and she found out that I also played piano and one of the songs I happened to really play well was Love Story. She asked me to play it as a duet with her. I was so tickled and thrilled to death. It was actually the highlight of my jr. high career. I was given the music at least 2 months in advance and starting a month before the production the teacher and I practiced together 3 times a week after school for about 30 minutes or more each day. We wanted it to be good! I certainly didnt want to get up there and make a fool out of myself.

    I cannot believe a teacher wouldnt have a student in after school to go over the music that she is expecting to be played at a concert. That is simply bizarre.
  12. Bunny

    Bunny Guest

    I was just thinking about this situation the other day and wondered what became of it. I can tell you from my days in high school productions that if there is a concert that she is expected to perform in and she screws it up for the other kids they will be VERY cruel to her. I don't understand the teacher. At some point you would think that he would want to meet with her to hear how she is progressing on the pieces that he has asked her to learn.
  13. pasajes4

    pasajes4 Well-Known Member

    My difficult child has pulled this. He was going around telling people that he was in a band. His band had a million dollar contract and was going on tour. He was confronted multiple time and lost friends but to this day says he has a band. He cannot sing nor does he play an instrument.
  14. DaisyFace

    DaisyFace Love me...Love me not

    Yeah, it's very strange...

    Schools are still closed for the winter break, but I think I will call first thing Monday and at least confirm that there really IS a concert in February.
    Last edited: Jan 4, 2013
  15. DaisyFace

    DaisyFace Love me...Love me not

    difficult child lies like she breathes....and in a weird way, I've gotten accustomed to it. I listen to the ramblings, assume I'm not getting the full story...and then go on about my day...

    But sometimes things will happen to bring the lies to the forefront. Like over the break, difficult child's insistence that she needs to get started on this latest song. And then when I got the 2013 calendar - I asked her about the date of the concert...and of course I get a strange answer. "The teacher doesn't know yet..." which makes no sense at all. So of course I get to wondering about this whole adventure - and wondering whether there is any truth at all to the whole darn story?

    There was another strange thing, too. difficult child attends public school and DS homeschools with an online the two of them have slightly different school calendars. As I was filling in the 2013 calander with all of the school info, I mentioned that DS finishes school a week before difficult child (this makes perfect sense because he STARTED a week before difficult child)...

    difficult child then explained that I shouldn't write down the info for her school because "Exam Week" and 'Graduation Day' don't apply to her.


    She explained that because she is a senior this year, she has "senior priviledges"...and among other things she doesn't have to wait for "Exam Week" to take her exams. I told her that didn't make any sense because some of the exams are scheduled by the state and there is no choice about it. I also reminded her that some of her classes require a project in leiu of an exam. I asked her why it would make sense to give a senior less time to do the project than anyone else? But difficult child continued to insist that she would take her exams in the middle of May - thus finishing school a whole week ahead of her brother.

    And "Graduation Day" in June does not apply to her either. Seniors, she explained, get to graudate in May when they finish their exams. "Graudation Day" is for everyone else - but not the seniors.

    Really? Well, who is graudating besides the seniors?

    Not surprisingly, difficult child is not sure....she just knows that SHE will be having HER ceremony in May.

    And after visiting the Twilight Zone for a while, I come and post here to see which one of us has gone off the deep end...
  16. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Oh, DaisyFace, how awful. My stomach is doing flips.
    I would be very temped to contact the teacher in charge of the supposed concert just to see if there really is a concert.
    Does your daughter have an iep or anything, so the teachers at least know that "something" is up with-your daughter?
    I don't know what to say about graduation. It doesn't look good.

    I'm so glad that you are able to at least type this out and vent. I have no idea what I would do in your situation and it is so unnerving.
    Many hugs.
  17. busywend

    busywend Well-Known Member Staff Member

    She might be right about exam week. The seniors do finish earlier so they know who will be graduating. The graduation.....she is confused. There is only one graduation ceremony and it is only for seniors. She made me laugh with that one!
  18. AnnieO

    AnnieO Shooting from the Hip

    I would have loved to have rescheduled my graduation day. Darn, how come I didn't know I could?
  19. JJJ

    JJJ Active Member

    I wonder if this is her LDs making her life difficult. I know with Eeyroe, he has such difficulty understanding life that he makes up stuff to fill in the gaps in his comprehension. Many schools have some form of senior priviledge..our school allows seniors to skip finals if they have an A in both 3rd and 4th quarters. And technically, once they finish the academic work, they have 'graduated', the ceremony is optional.
  20. DaisyFace

    DaisyFace Love me...Love me not

    I do think she does that a LOT. Just "fills in" the information she didn't quite get, hear, or understand. I also feel as though she sometimes "adopts" a situation and makes it her own. IOW - a friend or relative may have a certain problem, and suddenly, that is difficult child's problem, too - even if the original situation had absolutely nothing to do with her.

    In regards to "senior priviledges" - yes, the school has those....but no, graduating a few weeks earlier than everyone else is not one of them. There are a couple of exams that seniors can take early - a DAY early...but not just whenever the student feels like it.