thoughts is this selfish?

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by Jena, May 3, 2011.

  1. Jena

    Jena New Member

    so me again shocker :) ugh....

    so husband and i are having a debate over something. we had planned to go away just him and i in july for our anniversary. we had problem with the weeks due to my mom not wanting to watch difficult child for us and my ex h only having certain time he can take.

    so the week to go away and the only week that's available for us is the week of my stepson's birthday he'll be 12.

    we dont' have him on his actual birthday his mom has him, we have him the day before and day after. now, maybe i am being selfish yet i said to husband this is absolutely the only time we're going to get away together alone. in july we take kids camping for 5 days, than he has work etc.

    so i said why can't we just go that week, since we dont' even have him on his actual birthday and simply do something really nice for him the wednesday before it? i thought give him a gift adn take him to this great arcade plus those car things kids drive ona track. memory is horrible.

    he said not even be in the country for it?? i said what's the big deal he's 12 its not like he's 5. we givehim a nice birthday, than we leave. we call him on the day. he said you'dl never do that with difficult child. i said if her dad had her i certainly would. husband thinks i'm being selfish. i'm like yea no not in my eyes i do for all the kids all the time. it's time to do for us. it' just happens to fall on a bad week.

    it's been a hard year, we wont' be able to escape for another 12 mos. so yea i'd def do it.

    thoughts?? ami wrong?? he wanted to think about asking stepson what he thought..??
  2. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    Probably 90 percent of the time my kids bdays were never celebrated on the actual day. It had to fall on a weekend. Sometimes they had it early, sometimes up to more than a week late. As long as it was celebrated........seriously? they could've cared less whether it was on the actual day or not. easy child and Nichole do the same thing with the grands. They don't seem to care either. lol

    Nope, not being selfish. You guys need some alone time together.

    Stepson isn't going to care as long as it's recognized at some point.
  3. DaisyFace

    DaisyFace Love me...Love me not


    This is another one of those issues where there is no "right" or "wrong"...

    Your husband feels badly about being away for his son's birthday and wants to check with him before planning a trip. This sounds pretty reasonable to me...

    If stepson turns out to be fine with it - GREAT! husband can go without feeling that he wasn't there for his son.

    If stepson is disappointed...husband is not going to feel better about leaving just because you are "right".
  4. Jena

    Jena New Member

    ya know what just wanted some thoughts....... he had me almost convinced i was being selfish. i was like no i'm not.
  5. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I dont think you are selfish at all.

    I have two boys born in the same month...13 days apart. Most times we did a big thing for them halfway in between for both of them...probably had a cake for each on the actual day. With my boys, their big thing was they loved to go fishing so they went deep sea fishing with their dad every year on the weekend between their birthdays. Then we would have a cake on each of their real days. Starting at age 13, I would also take each kid out to red lobster alone with just me for lunch.
  6. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    I agree with Daisy. Encourage your husband to discuss it with his son. You're right he's 12 not 5...12 is a huge year boys. That's when they really have to start choosing which road they want to follow and if they are lucky they have a Dad who has set the pattern. It's not the same as kids from an intact family. He and his siblings have ridden a rollercoaster ride since your marriage too.

    Chances are (I'm partial to boys from 9 to 12, lol, because they are mature enough to be fun and still haven't turned into teens) he will "thanks for asking Dad but I think you and Jena should go for it and we'll celebrate before or after your trip".

    It's not "selfish" either way. It's finding what is workable in a loving way. Sharing parenting decisions is tricky. Fingers crossed it's no big deal. A vacation might be a great stress relievor.DDD
  7. Malika

    Malika Well-Known Member

    Personally I think it's perhaps a good idea to share your plans with the stepson beforehand and ask his views. He will feel respected and is likely to feel less resentful. And chances are he will not mind your going, putting your husband's mind at rest!
  8. AnnieO

    AnnieO Shooting from the Hip

    DDD? Come live with me for a week... I have 12-y/o boy...
  9. Josie

    Josie Active Member

    He may not mind, but my now 13 yo daughter still remembers several years where husband was not here on her birthday and would be disappointed if he had to miss it again. He has been traveling for business on her birthday. We don't even do anything that special on the exact day necessarily, but it is important to her that her dad be there.

    I hope your stepson doesn't mind and you can work something out that you are all satisfied with.

    It probably isn't going to be the vacation you want if husband is resentful of missing his son's birthday anyway, whether you are right or not.
  10. AnnieO

    AnnieO Shooting from the Hip

    Hope has a good point.

    We have spent so many years where BM wouldn't let us see the kids on their birthdays that we rarely celebrate on the day. Then, if they're with US, BM gets them 5-8 PM; and if with her, we get them 5-8 PM. Useless for actually doing anything on the day.

    Still - my Dad missed many birthdays travelling when I was a kid. I hated that.

    If husband can work it out to HIS satisfaction, you're OK. Otherwise... Sigh.
  11. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    One more idea... some kids don't mind their birthday being celebrated early but can't stand late. If there's any way to offer a pre-celebration as part of your approach, it might be worth keeping in mind.

    The logic in the kid's mind is sometimes, whatever comes first on the calendar must be more important...