To Go, or not to Go, that is the question!

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by EmJay, Dec 3, 2011.

  1. EmJay

    EmJay New Member

    As this is coming up this evening, I'd like someone else's opinion on how YOU would handle this.

    So difficult child is overly stimulated in most situations. He gets into a zone and doesn't follow directions and will get agitated, overexcited, and generally hard to handle. I get REALLY nervous bringing him to certain family members houses because they just DON"T understand, The entire time I'm there I make excuses for his bx (tired, sugar, etc) because I'd rather not argue with them about THE TRUTH. (they like to point fingers and say I need to do things differently rather than admit he has an actual problem. they have said on numerous occasions that he will just 'grow out of it one day' :rollingpin:).
    husband works shift work and this weekend it's nights. So he will be sleeping during the day tomorrow.
    These family members want me to go to a birthday party tomorrow... OMGosh can we just say NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
    Please don't make me do this. NOt only do I have to follow my 8 year old around to make sure that he isn't getting into anything, hitting anyone, doing things he shouldn't; but I'll also have to take care of an 8 mos old. I don't feel comfortable passing him around to family members because then I get seen as the "momma who can't handle her 2 kids"!
    It's more anxiety on me than it is on them; but WWYD???????
  2. buddy

    buddy New Member

    gosh my magic computer camera is looking at the kids right now and they don't look so good. In fact, the thermometer beam I just shot at their foreheads shows a fever setting in. It would be really awful to miss the party but honestly, they will just not be able to go, they are too sick. You will have to tell your family that your (fake cyber) doctor says you can't go.

    I absolutely have no problem not committing to things anymore. I also have no problem saying I just can't make it, or something came up, and if I do go places and have to leave before our doing our part cleaning up or whatever, well, that is just how it is.

    It took a long time, but lay the foundation now and your life will be so much more stress free in the years to come.

    I know it is hard to hear criticism from family/friends, for now, just ignore. They are simply ignorant, and I dont mean that in a cruel way. Just that most people just have no clue. You can't waste your energy on that right now. We get it, you are safe here.... Thanks for the "help" family, but no thanks.
  3. TeDo

    TeDo Guest

    Personally, I am with Buddy. Because of difficult child 1's behavior and my family's unending "words of wisdom" (said VERY tongue in cheek), I have limited attending things except for holidays. The stress on me, and eventually on difficult child 1, just is not worth it. Because my family is a lot like yours, my kids are "sick" a LOT (long story).
  4. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    When Sonic was small and difficult we said "no" and didn't look back to see who was angry about it. When we did go, we left if Sonic needed to go. We chose the child's needs over the adult's. Honestly, people need to get a clue and figure out that it's not personal if a child is not able to tolerate a lot of stimulation. And it isn't our faults either. Grrrrrrrrrrrrrr! :)
  5. EmJay

    EmJay New Member

    @buddy: I love your sense of humor! Lol! I should use that excuse a lot more often! but seeing as my kids are generally healthy little beings I will have to sparingly... good ole kharma is always lurking right around the corner!

    @tedo: yes, long story with me and the inlaws too! i've been with hubby half my life. i think sometimes it's a little TOO close for comfort AND they just DON"T understand. whereas with my family; they've dealt with me growing up (and my cousins). so everyone is used to at least one of the kids bouncing off the walls, not listening, being aggressive, and overstimulated!
  6. EmJay

    EmJay New Member

    Many times I do say NO to spare my boys needs and mine. It's hard when the family lives within a 5 mile radius. I've quit caring what others think but at the same time I also have to see these people on a very regular basis. And it's not only hard on me but also hard on my husband. I think he is also still trying to come to terms with all of this. LIke he said last night "I have absolutely NO experience dealing with a child like him; muchless living with one. You; on the other hand, lived it and have a lot of family with the same problems." He wants his family to understand so badly.
    But that's another story for another thread.

    I feel bad for saying no many times. And sometimes feel like I'm 'hiding' my son away from social experiences. One side of me says he needs the exposure to help with the anxiety and the other side of me says to protect him and avoid it at all costs.

    Where do you all find your balance? Is it a day to day decision?
  7. buddy

    buddy New Member

    yes, actually, for us it is. That is exactly how I would put it. I honestly dont think you can practice a young difficult child's anxiety away. I do think when they are old enough to work on it cognitively, that is different. though he is not diagnosis autistic, he does have teh symptoms that kids with autism have and so some of the tools that are used with them could help. Some of the transition tools, preparation for events, etc. It is a process and will need to happen little by little, but it is a thought.

    I imagine it is hard with them being so close. Mine were too until five years ago. But I now just say exactly that, I will put it on my calendar but it will depend on how the day is going. Maybe you can explain (and if they want to assume it is a psychiatric, doctor or whatever, that is ok) that you AND husband are working on a therapy program to help difficult child with his (whatever you want to call it) and so you know they will understand that you and husband love them but you need to do what you need to do in order to help your child. It will depend on the day and how things are going for you all, whether or not you will be attending an event. For me, christmas or other major holidays I did tend to push thru, but I still would leave early if needed. birthdays??? nope, I would send a card or save the gift for next time I saw the kids.
  8. TeDo

    TeDo Guest

    Yes, he needs the social exposure but not in a way that is stressful for you AND him. As for how I decide, it is sometimes a day by day thing, other times it's a "who's gonna be there" thing. Some people are just not...not sure how to put it into words...."people" people???? That doesn't sound right but I just suffered a major brain-f*rt so I can't think of anything else. LOL
  9. EmJay

    EmJay New Member

    @buddy: my boys are 7.5 YEARS apart! lol!

    @tedo: I know exactly what you mean by not people people. I had one woman call my kid "a little ****" because he ACCIDENTALLY spilled a drink in her Coach purse (oh heavens forbid)... Needless to say this woman doesn't have any children and I haven't been around her or brought M around her since the incident. He was all of 4!!!!
  10. buddy

    buddy New Member

    yeah, i wasn't thinking you needed to explain that the baby needs to work on anything, lol! just difficult child. of course it is convenient that you have the baby to share some of the excuses with. Actually in grown-up land, we should just be able to say.... sorry it is not a good day, I will see you next time and everyone should say, ok thanks for calling. Hope all is well. But sadly, we do sometimes feel the need to make excuses to help ease the judgement and possible hurt feelings if we dont go somewhere.
  11. EmJay

    EmJay New Member

    Actually in grown-up land, we should just be able to say.... sorry it is not a good day, I will see you next time and everyone should say, ok thanks for calling. Hope all is well. But sadly, we do sometimes feel the need to make excuses to help ease the judgement and possible hurt feelings if we dont go somewhere.

    You hit the proverbial Nail on the Proverbial Head!
  12. Chaosuncontained

    Chaosuncontained New Member

    I always have a ton of excuses. Or, I like to call the "reasons" for not attending stressful situations. But, I have 7 kids under age 18 LOL

    If I feel I MUST go...we don't stay long. And it isn't usually because Carson is getting so stressed (he LOVES the crazieness). It's me. When I feel I can't handle it anymore, I say "OK! Time to go. We enjoyed it but we got to be heading home. Thank you, bye bye."

    There will be ignorant people for EVA in our kids lives. I have found that it takes too much time and effort to try to educate them all. I stay longer at the peoples houses who really seem to "get" it. And less at those who don't.
  13. EmJay

    EmJay New Member

    I find myself doing the same. There are very few people's homes with whom I feel 100% free to come and go as we please and let myself and difficult child be 100% ourselves in. My #1 BFF is one of them. SHe has 3 kids and one of them is alot like my difficult child. We are completely free at her house. No judging! It's our #1 rule for each other! And we are allowed to discipline/correct each others children! It's almost like a mini break in some ways!
  14. LittleDudesMom

    LittleDudesMom Well-Known Member Staff Member

    You do what is best for your family, period. When my difficult child was younger, I missed a lot of things, gave up many volunteer positions because of his behaviors (but mostly for the stress it caused me). My family just had to understand and most of my friends were pretty understanding.

    But in reality, you do what you have to do and you make no excuses. The world opened back up a bit when difficult child was old enough to stay home alone. There were times he wanted no part of a family gathering or outing -- it was easier for me to leave him home than deal with the attitude. Didn't matter to me if others wanted to judge me....You have to develop some thick skin with the difficult children!!!!

  15. buddy

    buddy New Member

    This is PURE GOLD. I do not have this at all. I am on guard even at my sisters' houses though I dont think they are judging, just the level of frustration is too much for me when Q is having too hard of a day. Like all the kids were pounding on a bedroom door because a couple of the boys locked it. All of them were doing it, but Q kicked it too hard and made a hole. Of course all of them told on him, he got upset etc. I just get so tired of it.
  16. EmJay

    EmJay New Member

    I had something like this happen at a friend's neighbors house once. We haven't been invited back since. It's been 2 or 3 years and we still get the "sorry we didn't send you an invite for the party but we had to narrow it down to kids our childrens ages" (their kids are 4 and 2). We used to hang out with them ALL of the time... Now, I can hear crickets chirp bw us!
    We were invited to their house to watch the game (huge LSU fans here) and we ended up at their neighbors house. Everyone is outside getting wasted and watching the game and I'm playing helicopter mom inside bc I KNOW what's going to happen if I leave his sight (he was 5 at the time). Well, they convinced me to let him be with the "big girls"; I think they were 8/9... And what happens, he ends up getting into some acrylic paint and getting it on their WHITE carpet (in their playroom???). We were SOOOOO embarrassed and even offered to have it cleaned/fixed! The wife says, "I"m sorry, but you can't get Acrylic out!" I was mortified!
    I used to think back then he needed "the exposure" to get out and "learn" how to behave in other people's homes. Now, I mostly find every excuse in the book not to go. Except of coarse when it comes to family! I get stuck!
  17. EmJay

    EmJay New Member

    I think this is one reason why it took so long for us to conceive our second child. I think the "god's" knew what they were doing.... giving me the chance to be able to catch my breath and in the future have opportunities like this. Where he will be old enough to stay home while we go somewhere he's not ready to face; one day! I know he will need to be mature and able to handle responsibility. BUt on the other hand he is also a bit of a loner. Heck, he was an only child for 7.5 years. So there are times he ENJOYS escaping into his own room/world. And that will come in handy when he's older and we are able to experience this break you speak of.
    I need to work on my thick skin. Sometimes I care too much! I know it has to do with feeling accepted and a general overall feeling of approval. But at this age, the only people's opinions who matter are my 2 sons and my husband!
  18. Bunny

    Bunny Guest

    There have been things that we did not go to, either, just because I knew that it would not be a good scene if we went.
  19. buddy

    buddy New Member

    SOOO, what did you decide? Gonna try and muddle through? or stay home???? Either way we are here for you. I have done both things at one point or another... just have to weigh my stressors....
  20. EmJay

    EmJay New Member

    husband agreed to wake up earlier than usual and come with me. He said we can use him having to go to work to leave early! (he FINALLY gets IT!) difficult child has been in a decent mood today and baby is napping right now... So fingers crossed it's a decent visit.