Today is the day and apprehension rules...

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by rejectedmom, Jan 31, 2010.

  1. rejectedmom

    rejectedmom New Member

    my thoughts.

    husband just went to pick up difficult child. He is going to bring him here for lunch and then we will begin to call shelters to see if there are any vacancies. I am hoping I do not end up being forced into housing difficult child here. husband travels too much and I would be alone with the situation for the most part. But if there is no room in the shelters (a very real possibility) That is what will happen. I'm not ready for that. The anixiety from the PSTD is trying to creep back and I am actively fighting it.

    We would have to difficult child proof the house today before husband leaves for work. Dead bolts will have to be installed on bedroom and office doors and the phones will have to be removed except for my bedroom and office extentions. We will have to get a mail box that locks and then convince the postman to use it so difficult child can't get any account numbers. difficult child knows no boundries and even if he does know them does not honor them. I don't want to have to do any of that so ladies please pray for us. I'm hoping for maybe two nights in a shelter and then a placement. I know that is less than realistic but that is what I'd like to see happen. -RM
  2. aninom

    aninom New Member

    Crossing my fingers, knocking on wood. Hope everything works out quickly and well for you.
  3. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Oh RM, I am praying so hard for you. I can just imagine the anxiety that you are going through. I hope that you can find a shelter or two to pick from and that after a few days placement can be found. This has to be just so hard on you.

  4. Suz

    Suz (the future) MRS. GERE

    RM, in the old days the YMCA used to have rooms to rent. Is there a Y in your area you could add to your list to call?

  5. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    I'm with Suz. The Y is an alternative. They charge a nominal nightly fee. I hope that you will not have to go back to having him in your home, but I understand your reluctance to put him on the street his first day out. Beyond setting up locks, I hope that you and your husband will have a "minimal conduct" code set up before he arrives, and that it includes finding housing outside of your home.

    It's unconscionable that they let them out on a Sunday with nowhere to go and no services available.
  6. rejectedmom

    rejectedmom New Member

    Ladies thank you so much for your support. difficult child had a plan but a bad one. He was going to stay with a questionable "friend" who had taken advantage of difficult child in the past. I flat out told him that I thought that was not a good idea and that in my opinion he should just go to a shelter right away and reconnect with his AA sponsor. He agreed. So he is about to hop into the shower change his clothes and go over to the local shelter to see if there is room. If there is, he will check in and hook up with his sponsor later this evening to go to a meeting. Then tomorrow he said he will go to MHMR and ask to go back to the day program he was in earlier and reapply for his assistance since he gave the prison address on his original applications. So please keep praying for us and keep rattling those beads. I'll update later.

    Suz and Witz, We have a YWCA that provides housing to women but our YMCA is strictly a gym and pool facility only.-RM
    Last edited: Jan 31, 2010
  7. Suz

    Suz (the future) MRS. GERE

    RM, if you are still in flux tomorrow, give United Way a try. They might have some ideas for you.

  8. Suz

    Suz (the future) MRS. GERE

  9. rejectedmom

    rejectedmom New Member

    Thanks Suz, He left a few hours ago and we have heard nothing from him since. I still do not know if he has a place to spend the night. He may have gone to an AA meeting or to the firehouse to hang with some of his friends there. He left his pack here so he will have to return at some point. I won't be a bit surprised if he comes back here and tells us he is going to stay with friends. I hope not but it is his MO. I'll post when I know more. -RM
  10. rejectedmom

    rejectedmom New Member

    OK Ladies!!!!! The power of the board has come through once more!!!!! Thank you all so very much!

    He just came in and said that he has been accepted into the shelter for 30 days. He said it is a nice one with lockers and shower facilities and even a tiny washer and dryer. They also told him that he must go to MHMR tomorrow and get his paperwork started for assistance and permanent housing and health etc. So at least things are no longer dire. He is only two blocks away from me though. He is estatic...Me?... not so much. Tommorow I'll be making a donation. -RM
  11. Suz

    Suz (the future) MRS. GERE


  12. rejectedmom

    rejectedmom New Member

    I'm relieved that difficult child will be safe and dry but things between me and husband deteriorated after difficult child left for the night without so much as a hug from him. When I asked husband if he thought difficult child was punishing us for not giving in it came out that husband thinks I was too hard on difficult child.

    husband feels that way because I told difficult child that he made today a very stressful day instead of a joyful one. I also told difficult child that he had to learn that his actions affect others and that all this was very hard on us. difficult child broke down in tears and that got to husband who now feels that I shouldn't have said those things. I told him that I needed to get it off my chest because I was still angry at difficult child's atempt at manipulation. That way it was behind us and I could get down to the business at hand. I told husband that it seemed like he still felt that I needed to put up and shut up and that those days were over. I also told husband that I was disappointed that he didn't take the initiative or even verbally back me up after he agreed to last night. I told him that as a parent it was OK to advise difficult child when we see him making a poor choice (ie: going to spend two nights with somone he thought had drugged him in the past). husband then said "why when he doesn't take it". I replied "to show a united front. I feel like you left me hanging there by myself." Then husband nastily shouted "I'm sorry I'm not the husband you want me to be. OK?" and that brought up the D word. husband didn't deny when I asked him "If I was at the beach house would you have let difficult child stay here?" husband only said "you'er not at the beach house so you'll never know." UG if it isn't one difficult child it's another! Such a PIA! -RM
  13. ML

    ML Guest

    Wonderful news! I'm so glad you dodged the bullet. I hope husband comes around to being more supportive. Seems like today is a new beginning. Thinking positive for you, ML
  14. rejectedmom

    rejectedmom New Member

    Thank you ML! I just went downstairs and husband was watching TV a commercial came on for the play Carmen and he asked me if I wanted to go. I replied that i was not going to go out with someone who thought I was worth divorcing.:tongue: to which he replied "Can't someone just blow off a little steam" I said "no not like that!" -RM
  15. ThreeShadows

    ThreeShadows Quid me anxia?

    I'm sorry, men really are from a different planet. There is so much stress on a relationship when raising a difficult child. I hope you and husband can sit down and talk it out.

    Your sig says your son is BMR. Does that mean borderline mentally retarded? If so, why are there no state services? I'm only now learning that our kids have rights!
  16. rejectedmom

    rejectedmom New Member

    3shadows, I'm not worried about husband he is what he is. I just wish he would follow through once in a while on what we agree on ahead of time. I hate always being the "bad guy".

    Yes BMR= Borderline Mentally Retarded. It is a fairly recent diagnosis given after difficult child went on drugs and alchol binging. An IQ test was done as part of an intake evaluation for program and services and his previous IQ of 100 had fallen to a 79. Most of his shortcommings are in executive functioning and social skills areas. He has auditory processing difficulties also. His math and reading comprehension are very good and he has a regular HS diploma. Not sure if the drop in overall IQ is going to be a permanent thing or not as he has not bbeen re-evaluated since but it is on record at the moment. difficult child has recieved services both as a child and as an adult at the county level. He just keeps walking away from them. He was in a day program while at the last group home setting. He is going to try to get back into that day program. He says that even though the housing program wont take him back the day program said that they would. We will see.

    difficult child is not concidered incompetant so services are completely voluntary and he is an adult so it is his decision not mine. It is common opinion that difficult child should be able to work a job based on his high functioning mental abilities except that his other MH issues keep getting in the way. -RM
    Last edited: Jan 31, 2010
  17. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    I think you're doing really well. Both with husband and with difficult child.
  18. emotionallybankrupt

    emotionallybankrupt New Member

    Have you considered converting everything to "online statements" only? I did this in the past year, and I really like it. Hardly anything of importance comes to the mailbox--except medical bills.

    I know everybody is concerned these days about identity theft, but I decided I'm not sure the mailbox isn't riskier than online--especially since almost all our paper transactions are converted to electronic transactions anyway.

    This has also done wonders to help with my ongoing paper clutter problem.
  19. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    RM, I am glad about the how the housing situation seems to have played out for difficult child. Sorry about that argument with husband, have had a few of those with Tony myself over one boy or the other a few times. (ok, more than a few!) It does hoover and I know what you mean about not feeling like going out on a date so soon after having the argument. Geeze Louise!

    I also agree with EB about going to online statements. That would help with the account numbers. Most of my statements are paperless now. Some of the bills actually give me a rebate for going paperless. Just a few dollars but every little bit helps.

    About the IQ thing and what they consider him able to do. I think you might see if he can get into MHMR again and see what they say. If he is again dxd with those things, I would urge him to apply for disability. Most people may be thought to work some job but their mental problems get in the way...that is the definition of being disabled. LOL. I used to be able to work...but my disabilities got in the way!
  20. rejectedmom

    rejectedmom New Member

    Witz, Thanks for the kudos :)

    EB, I do alot of my banking online but like the paper statements as backup also some of my bills cannot be paid that way. Then there are all those credit card applications and cash advance checks that come in the mail constantly and which if in the wrong hands could do alot of damage to one's credit ratings. I burn them immediately. I have a thru the door mailslot so my mail is deposited directly into my house not left in a box attached to the house. Now that difficult child is not living here I will continue to do that but make sure all statements are away and out of sight when he is here visiting.

    Janet he is supposed to go today to see about reinstating some of his services etc. We will see. He still has overinflated ideas about his abilities and prospects. I'm worried about depression when his hopes are dashed. -RM