Yesterday was a good day

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by LauraH, Mar 15, 2019.

  1. LauraH

    LauraH Active Member

    My son was released from the hospital on Wednesday and after stopping by here to pick up a few things got a ride from his friend to the sober living home he was accepted to. It was a little tense and I felt like I was walking on eggshells, but nothing negative of any consequence happened, except one thing which I didn't know until after the fact that I will mention in a subsequent paragraph.

    He started his new job yesterday. Since the restaurant is near our house he came by to say hi and have a cup of coffee before work. Came back after he got off and said it was a good first day. He asked me to do a couple of things for him that I had already said no to, and when I said no again he got a little agitated and irritated. I told him I wasn't going to argue or debate and I shut up. He continued talking, and in the middle of his tirade (for lack of a better word) he stopped and acknowledged that he gets agitated easily and comes off sounding like a total jerk, and that he needed to more carefully watch his body language and tone of voice when communicating with others. We then moved on to other, more pleasant topics of conversation.

    Also, the night before he had gone into the 2nd bedroom, which used to be his and is now basically a storage room where he has been keeping his belongings. He had to grab a few things he needed to take to the recovery home. Later that night my husband went in there to look for one of our cats and find a place to stash the new futon we just got, which is still boxed and unassembled, until we could get around to putting it together. He nearly lost it and called me in. I was shocked to see the condition of the room. It looked like a tornado had blown through leaving nothing untouched. My husband wanted to bag up all my son's stuff and set it out by the curb but I talked him out of it and helped him calm down.

    So yesterday I had decided I wouldn't mention the bedroom to my son before he had to go to work. I didn't want to get into a confrontation that would likely get both of us upset and then he would have blamed me if he screwed up on his first day. But I planned to bring it up to him when he came back after work. When he got here after his shift ended, he went to the room to get something, and when he came out he said he would straighten up the room and organize and pack his things on his first day off (I had not said anything yet about the room). That was a surprise that he acknowledged it with no prompting from me. I later asked my husband if he was okay waiting for him to get a day off to clean the room, and he said that since my son had suggested it voluntarily, he was fine waiting.

    His friend came by to park his car and then the two of them walked to a nearby meeting, AA or NA I'm not sure which. They came back after the meeting, hung out for a few, and then left to take my son back to his recovery home.

    I haven't seen him today but I know he had to work at 5 and I'm assuming no news is good news. How long this positive behavior and self-awareness on my son's part will last is anyone's guess. But one day at a time, baby. I'm fine with taking good days for what they are and not worrying about bad days until they happen. It's way better than concocting all sorts of "what if" stories in my head of things that could possibly but might not ever happen. That can make you crazy.
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  2. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    Glad that you are finding your bearings and setting and keeping boundaries.

    Your son needs that from you so that he can be responsible for his own life. He is a grown man.

    We tend not to think of them like that because they seem so helpless but we must! I repeat that to myself on a loop.

    I do hope that he continues to go to meetings and stay sober and work the program.
  3. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    Yes, one day at a time. I'm sending prayers that he will continue to improve.
  4. Tired out

    Tired out Active Member

    Good luck. I hope he continues to improve.
  5. LauraH

    LauraH Active Member

    Things have been going pretty well up until today. He seems to be doing well at his new job, still in training, and yesterday he came over to have a quiet place to study the menu. He was supposed to come over today, his day off, around 10 to study more and clean the room that he's been using to store his belongings, and he also said he was going to a meeting at noon and even invited me to go with him. I haven't heard from him and so of course my mind is running wild with possibilities, none of them good. I'm trying my best not to but I can't think of any good reason why he would blow off studying, the promised cleaning, and a meeting. I'm braced for several "worst case" scenarios and have consequences ready for any of them, not to mention any consequences regarding his job if he hasn't learned the menu by whatever time he's expected to know it.

    And I forgot this was Monday, the night the Nar-Anon group meets. So I need to fly into high gear to get ready...but at least I remembered while i still had time to make it, as usually I forget about it until it's too late, or it's the next day, etc. I'll report back when I know something.
  6. Crayola13

    Crayola13 Active Member

    Not showing up to clean his room? Maybe he just didn't want to. I would just nicely remind him, or ask if he would prefer you auction off or dispose of his belongings like a landlord would. It may not mean he is out getting high or partying. As far as learning the menu, maybe he didn't show up to study because he feels like he knows it well enough, or just can't focus. Don't automatically think the worst.
  7. LauraH

    LauraH Active Member

    You're right, but given his history and how many times my instinct has proven right (but also proven wrong) it's hard not to. It's not actually "his" room, it's a room in my husband's and my apartment that he's currently using to store the stuff he hasn't gotten around to or can't take with him to the recovery home. The other night when my husband saw the condition of the room he nearly lost it and was ready to bag everything up and put it out by the curb. I talked him out of it and the next day my son, with no prompting from me, that he would take care of it on his first day off (today). If it's a case of "he didn't feel like it", if my husband again wants to toss all his stuff, I won't try and stop him a second time. He's had ample notice and ample time to take care of a situation that my husband and I don't find acceptable in our home. We'll have to just wait and see how this plays out. Basically I'm leaving this one between my son and my husband.
  8. LauraH

    LauraH Active Member

    He showed up close to curfew at his recovery home, just long enough to grab what he needed for tomorrow since my husband and I will be out of town for the day. Turns out he wasn't doing bad things, just irresponsible things...hanging out with a friend instead of doing what he needed to do. It's aggravating but that will probably never change and I'm just grateful that (as far as I know) he wasn't out there using. At least he didn't exhibit his typical using behavior for the few minutes he was here.