Today's thought from

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Nomad, Dec 1, 2009.

  1. Nomad

    Nomad Guest

    the Hazelden newsletter is...

    Today I will practice detachment by letting go of things I can't control.

    Detachment means standing back and looking at a situation without having a hand in it. Watching fireworks is practicing detachment. Flying a kite is not. Allowing friends the freedom to have their own opinions is practicing detachment. Feeling compelled to change their minds is not. Watching a child create her own drawing is practicing detachment. Holding her hand while she draws is not.

    I can't control other people, their actions, or their beliefs by forcing them to act or believe as I do. Detachment helps me see the big picture, since I can see things more clearly from a distance.

    Today, and from now on, I will practice taking care of myself by detaching from people or situations that aren't good for me. Today I will pay close attention to when I am trying to force the issue, and I'll remember that my time would be better spent leaving it alone.

  2. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    Well, of course, this is timely for me today. Thanks for sharing it. I receive their newsletters as well, but I missed today's.

    I think when practicing detachment, some perceive it to mean that you stop caring. Not true. Practicing detachment for me means to take better care of myself and stop focusing on other's beliefs or behaviors; strop trying to make them 'see my way' as opposed to finding their own way. Allowing them to figure out how to take care of themselves in a way that suits them without interferring can be difficult, but it's healthy. It is difficult to watch a person fumbling around without wanting to step in and 'show them the way'.

    Fosucing on ourselves and our own needs or ways of living is a way of practicing self preservation. For me, while I was trying to practice detachment from my loco sister, and then difficult child, I had to remind myself that I was also preserving my own sanity - that idea is what really helped me in the long run.
  3. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    Jo, I agree completely. Detaching is showing compassion for a person. Everyone wants to be their own man, if you know what I mean. You can't be that when someone is trying to make you live their life by their definition of right and wrong. You'll never live up to your full potential when someone else is making decisions for you.
  4. Momslittleangels

    Momslittleangels New Member

    Well said - - in fact, I find myself wanting to stay too involved with easy child and "show her the way". This reminded me that I need to step back and let her figure things out on her own, but it's hard when her family lives with husband and I. You continue to want to "teach" and "suggest" things and what I'm really doing is saying "you can't do this by yourself". But when you see things like making excuses to NOT play with your child, because you have this to do or that to do, it makes me mad. I'm sure things will seem different when we live in separate houses one day.
  5. ML

    ML Guest

    Being codependent is doing for others what they can and *should* do for themselves. That concept ties into detachment.
  6. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    Ooops, I did it again! Then I said, "Oops, sorry, I take all of that back. You two can work this out" - how easily we can slip back into our old roles, huh?

    In preparation for a business trip next week, one that H is joining me on, easy child and difficult child will be home alone to care for themselves and the dogs. difficult child was complaining that easy child is always bossy and mean to her when we're gone and then then easy child walked in from school. What did I do? I called a meeting and said I had an announcement wherein I stated that they were to be nice to each other, looking pointedly at easy child, and then went on about sharing the household duties and caring for the dogs...(my 'girls' are 20 and 22)!

    I was drowned out by protests from easy child, groaning from difficult child and then the lightbulb went on!! Thank God!!! That's when I said, "Oops, sorry, I take all of that back. You two can work this out." easy child wouldn't let up, however, and went on about how she can't wait to move out, I'm such a pain, she pays for all her own stuff anyway - which really was like adding fuel to the fire, but I could do nothing but laugh! I mean, loud, big belly laughs. H joined me.

    After it happened, I thought of this thread and had to share how easy it is to just slip back into my 'mommy' role of ordering everyone around! As if they listen anyway!!!