Told difficult child we would be taking computer at 10 tonight

[StressedM0mma]

I got the PM thanks. Do you know if Insurance covers the evaluation? We have spent so much out of pocket that we are almost broke. I have tried giving a countdown to difficult child, and it just seems to set her off even more. She says we just nag her all the time. I cannot believe they are dumping her on us tomorrow after all of this. And they say that she is ready to leave. I am just laughing at the entire thing. I think we would really consider a Residential Treatment Center (RTC) for her if we could even come close to affording it. We just cannot. Even if I cashed in my IRA it would never be enough. I guess I should call the Ins. company and see if they cover any at all. (yeah right.) They don't even cover her therapy appts.

 

[InsaneCdn]

Has she had a full medical work-up, too? (I don't remember if we already asked this yet...)
Things like... iron, thyroid, etc.?
Plus... sleep clinic?

If you can't get ins. to start with neuropsychologist, get going on ruling out the medical stuff first.

 

[StressedM0mma]

Step, I think difficult child wants easy child to do well, but at the same time I think she would find some sick pleasure in seeing her fail. difficult child always says that easy child doesn't appreciate everything she has, and difficult child doesn't think she practices enough. So, I do not know if she would purposely try to ruin it for her or not. These children are so difficult to understand. Dummy me thought the Abilify was actually working. I feel so stupid. Is 5mg. very much or should it be higher? Like are they titrating her or what?

 

[StressedM0mma]

Yeah she had a full physical. She has to go back and get blood work on Saturday for the Abilify. She has to be fasting to get it done.

 

[susiestar]

I have always wondered who these mythical people who will give our kids anything they want are?? I still remember the look on Wiz' face the day I opened the front door and said that if he knew where someone who would let him live with them and would let him do anything he wanted anytime he wanted lived, he should go and move in with them. Did he want help packing his stuff?

He never left. He did call one of his friends' moms, the "cool mom" and she laughed her head off at him - I could hear her through the phone. Then she told him the rules at her house. WHich included kids under middle school age didn't need computer time so they didn't have any and they only watched thirty min of tv a day - total as a family, not per kid, and they had to do chores and she listed them.

He went up to his room and cleaned it after that. He was afraid I would make him leave to go live with her, lol!!! He was about six maybe.

Stressed, we learned that giving extra ANYTHING, especially late at night, actually wasn't nice. It meant that another transition had to happen and it meant that the rule could change. If the rule could change this one time, then it could change EVERY time and our difficult child pushed for that EVERY time. It took me a long time to realize that the one time nice extra time on whatever set Wiz up to fail that time and for a long time in the future. I actually apologized when I learned this lesson and after that if there was a rule then that was the rule. If the computer was off at ten then it NEVER was on until ten thirty. I had husband set it up with a password I didn't know and set the controls to turn it off at that time so that I was UNABLE to change it (well, I could have easily but we didn't tell Wiz that).

Thinking that it was not something that I could change made it easier for Wiz to handle. So did learning that those extra minutes were NOT happening because they set us up for problems.

Set the user controls, stop giving extra time to be nice. Find some other way to reward her for giving up the computer other than more computer minutes. In HER mind you gave her 30 more minutes so the end time and bedtime are not important to you. It is just a way to control her for the sheer sake of controlling her. She is UNABLE to care about sleep patterns and her overall health. THat is part of depression. Stop needing her to buy into the program. For now let it be enough when she gives up the computer, give her a hug if she accepts them and GO TO BED. THen maybe give her a chocolate or a small new thing or just tell her thanks for not making a big deal about the computer. O r if it will work better don't say anything.

But giving her the extra time worked against you, so it is probably something you shouldn't do again. Giving the computer up is HARD for her and asking her to do it twice is asking a LOT. I know you did not see that at the time and were trying to be nice. But what other things could you do to reward her instead of giving more computer time?

 

[StressedM0mma]

I am not sure what we could give her instead. The problem is when I pry (literally) the computer from her then she starts screaming what is she supposed to do now? I said she could read do H.W. which she said she needs the computer for because her books are online. Or that she could go downstairs and do her paint by numbers. She can't even hear me. She just wants the computer so much. I just do not understand why it is so important to her. I think it might be because it is her only connection to "real" people. Who knows. All I know is that I really am just holding on by a very very thin thread right now.

 

[TeDo]

Since the computer is THAT much of an issue, maybe it IS time for it to "go away" for awhile. If it seems like an addiction type thing, time to put it away.....out of the house is preferable so she can't go looking for it when you're gone or asleep.

 

[buddy]

That is why the computer needs to lock itself out. you need to be out of the equation. It further shows her lack of problem solving ability in my humble opinion. When calm, during the day, she needs to come up with a bed time routine she wants. NOT including electronics. it might be a foot massager bath thing, plus a book and music and then lights out or a relaxation hypnosis tape to help her to sleep. etc.

I say nothing to Q about give me your things etc. Teh intenet turns off and he has no choice (he doesn't play games, he goes to sports sites). Can't get into his g. player at all after a certain time.

She will freak the first night but you wont be there. She knows what you will do if she causes a fuss, you will call the police, no damage allowed. that is vandalizm

 

[DaisyFace]

Stressed--

I'm so sorry you had such a rough night!

Clearly, the computer is becoming a HUGE issue. Whenever something has become the battlegound issue in our house - we've tried to take a "time out" from that item. At this point, our difficult child has absolutely no computer priviledges whatsoever because it continued to be used inappropriately.

I can hear that you are holding on by a thread right now...and I know how much that stinks - but I think you really have to stop a minute and re-think this situation. Right now - your difficult child is holding everyone hostage...and you are doing your best to accomodate her demands. That has to change.

I think that this afternoon you and husband and difficult child have to sit down and lay out some new ground rules for the computer. Such as: the computer will be used at the kitchen table. Period. Computer time is from 6:30 to 8:30. Period. Any school work that needs a computer will have to be finished between 6:30 and 8:30. Period. At 8:30 the computer will be tunred off and given to Mom without any arguing. Failure to follow these rules results in the loss of the next night's computer use.

And if your difficult child wants to have a tantrum? She will be doing it early in the evening. If she gets out of control? Call the police. If she wants to run away? Warn her that you will have to report her to the police - and if she runs anyway - CALL.

This child cannot continue to run roughshod over all of you.

And yes - I fully expect that she will find your new computer rules "unfair". So what? Living like this has certainly been unfair!

Be strong!

(((hugs)))

 

[jal]

I said it on your other thread...Use the parental controls on the computer and have it shut down at the time YOU want it to. Barring that option I agree with the "make it disappear". I'd have thrown the computer out the window by now if it were me.

She is walking all over everyone in your house and you need to regain control of that, starting with the problem of the moment the computer. Also, if she is obsessed with it and its her only contact with the outside world as you suggested, maybe she should not be allowed to have it in her room alone. She should be monitored if you allow her to even use it after the behavior. Who knows who she is talking to? There are people out there who pray on this type of child...

 

[buddy]

in addition to that, unplug the wireless router and bring it in your room. Make sure her phone can't go on internet.

 

[AnnieO]

We had a similar problem with Onyxx about age 12-13. We'd give her warnings at 30, 15, 10 and 5 min... And she would scream and throw things when we told her it was time. We finally started locking the room the computer was in. She learned to pick the lock. We unplugged it and took the cord with us. She screamed, threw more stuff, we called the cops. The cop laughed and told her since she didn't earn the money to buy the computer, we could do whatever we liked, and if she didn't stop throwing stuff she was going to jail. She told bio, who sent husband a nasty message about how we never allowed the kids to do anything and we locked them out of the house and made them watch TV so we could have alone time. husband didn't even respond. Soon after, we got full custody...

 

[StressedM0mma]

The last time we called the police they explained that we could basically do what ever we wanted to to get her to comply. She kept trying to get husband in trouble by saying he was dragging her by the neck, and the officer told her he didn't care. It was husband's house, and that if he told her to do something then she better do it. We are going to have to take the router and the cord. Problem is then we are punishing easy child because then she can't do her work. She can get her work done and go to bed. So So SO frustrating.

 

[InsaneCdn]

I posted on the other thread, but...

Have ONE locked-down computer available in the "public space" of the home.
easy child can use that, too.
Or you can even set up two computers there.
There are ways to make this accessible to easy child.

 

[buddy]

The last time we called the police they explained that we could basically do what ever we wanted to to get her to comply. She kept trying to get husband in trouble by saying he was dragging her by the neck, and the officer told her he didn't care. It was husband's house, and that if he told her to do something then she better do it. We are going to have to take the router and the cord. Problem is then we are punishing easy child because then she can't do her work. She can get her work done and go to bed. So So SO frustrating.

change the password in the router/wireless. Let easy child know the password so she can get on at any time. You then have to sign the other one into wireless every time she uses it... do not save the password or check the box to allow it to turn on wireless each time it is on.

Just another way around that. I put codes on everything. I store NOTHING.

 

[AnnieO]

Have easy child bring the cords to you!

 

[Shari]

Also call her teachers and have a set of books checked out to her since you dont have internet access at your home...she's not the only kid in the world without the 'net.

 

[greenrene]

We've had to do what DaisyFace describes - things that difficult child turns into a battleground are removed and/or her choice about the issue is taken away completely. I second those who are saying it's time for the computer to go away for a while.

Good luck to you - you sound like you're really hurting.