touching base

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by sooooo tired, Nov 7, 2016.

  1. sooooo tired

    sooooo tired soooootired

    I guess it is a good thing that I havent been here for awhile, but I do have some concerns that I want some feedback about. I havent spoken to my daughter since april and although it is better for me, I wish things could be different. She also hasnt seen her son till recently, and for some reason my grandson told his dad that he thought his mom was dead and that i told him that. I would have never told that little boy anything like that, but it got back to my daughter and she sent me a very nasty text calling me a b**** and letting me have it for something I didnt even say! She wont dare call me and apologize, she just wants me to go on like nothing happened. There is so much drama right now that I hardly see my grandson because I get caught in the middle. His dad got married and his wife and my daughter are constantly going at it about my grandson. My 18 year old grandson got his girlfriend pregnant. I just want to live my life without all the drama!! I just want to stay away from all of them!! Is it mean of me to feel like that?
  2. Memedixie

    Memedixie Member

    dear....tired, i so totally feel your pain. it is a shame we can't just live our life without family causing all this negativity and drama. i don't bother anyone but i guess i'm the sucker that got sucked in to all their crap. I want very much to get my life back and I know you do too. Have you tried getting into therapy or a support group? That is my next step. Hang in there friend and keep posting.
  3. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    Hi ST, it's good to hear from you!
    I think you are wise to stay away from the drama and chaos. When you get in the mix you will be used as a pawn.
    Sorry to hear your grandson got his girlfriend pregnant. Again, stay away from their drama.
    You are doing really good ST. I know it still hurts but it's better than being caught in the middle of the violent storms of our difficult children's lives.
    No, this is not mean, it's healthy. It's the best thing you can do for yourself.

    Sending you ((HUGS))
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  4. Kalahou

    Kalahou Active Member

    Soooo tired. I hear you.
    There are times I would just like to run away from it all myself. No dear, it is not mean of you to want to stay away from it all. Their drama is not about you. One thing I learned on this site in the midst of much drama is to just … Slow…. Way …. Down… and Breathe…. It became my mantra to quietly affirm “There is nothing I need to do.

    Soooo tired, there is nothing you need to do right now about all the drama. It is not your drama. Nothing you can do will fix it or change it, but will only drown out any of your own peace. Sometimes, the stress from it all can make you ill. That is not worth it! This moment is what it is. Make a peaceful moment for yourself. ... Wait ... Sometimes this is hard, I know, but as we keep busy on other things, one day at a time, we can find small things to become thankful for in our own lives, not taken up with the chaotic focus on others' drama.

    Removing yourself from the drama is a key to detachment from it. This is not mean. This is a loving thing to do for yourself, and for the others, as your attempts at some sanity and peace can only send out better vibes than would be if you were compulsively reacting to the chaos. If we practice removing ourselves from the drama often enough, it becomes somewhat easier, and then there may come a time when we can see more clearly if there really is something profitable for us to do or not.

    This does mean you do not care. Of course you do. But we cannot respond wisely to any situation in the midst of the drama. Take a step back. Rest. There is no hurry. Right now there is nothing you need to do but take care of yourself. You are not alone. Hang in there. You are going to be alright.
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    Last edited: Nov 7, 2016
  5. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    It's not mean. You can't control or stop any of it and you didn't cause it. These are not rational people that you can brainstorm solutions with. You'll just get blamed if you try. Sounds like even little grandson is getting sucked in and is either hearing or thinking wrong.

    Is there any way to move far enough away to avoid this craziness? You are not obligated to be a part of this.

    If daughter writes anymore, send letter back unopened and don't answer the phone when she calls. Don't read her texts. There is no reason to subject yourself to abuse. Oh yeah...for your sake don't read her FB. That is where they often do the most damage to us. We gain nothing by being an audience to an angry person with a personality disorder.

    Holding your is normal to want safety, peace and sanity in our lives. Sometimes pur family is toxic to us through no reason of pur own and we need to take breaks and severely limit contact. There is nothing you can do to help them but YOU can still move on and, yes, eventually find happiness and serenity. I hope you take good care of you.
    Last edited: Nov 7, 2016
  6. sooooo tired

    sooooo tired soooootired

    thank you for your response Tanya...It is always nice to know you can always get a little hug and encouragement from you!! I hope things are going well with you. Hugs back to you! Have a great day!
  7. sooooo tired

    sooooo tired soooootired

    Thanks so much for your reply! It is so nice to know you can come to this site and always get a little reassurance that you are not doing anything wrong by taking yourself out of the drama. Sometimes I feel like I am such a bad mom because I should be there for my children no matter what. I need that little reminder that its ok to keep your distance.
  8. Childofmine

    Childofmine one day at a time

    Hi soooo tired...glad to hear from you.

    I think your name says it all. When we are soooo tired, exhausted, in despair, frustrated, upset, sick at heart...on and on I could go...those are signals that something needs to change. People are not supposed to live that way for days and weeks and months and years. Most of us here on this have experienced the endless parade of drama and upset from our DCs, and if we are lucky, at some point we have had more of it than we can take, and that motivates us to start changing. We can change and turn and start walking in a new direction at any point in time. We do have choices. It doesn't feel like we do, but we do. It's just really hard, and sometimes we think it's easier to just keep on doing the same thing over and over again. Even though the results don't ever change.

    Of course you do! You are not "supposed" to live like this. No, it is not mean. And as SWOT said, this is NOT YOUR DRAMA. You can remove yourself from it. It is possible. Build a "firewall" around yourself of protection.

    Oh yes, this is one of my strong beliefs. I used to knee-jerk react all the time to Difficult Child and his stuff. I did that because it made ME feel better. I couldn't not do it, for so long. It released all of the pent-up angst to do something. Whatever it was, send money, answer the phone, respond to the text. I would volley the ball right back every single time. Until I finally learned how to start stopping, and then the peace began to take over...and thank Goodness, that was the start of better times for me. Even though Difficult Child went down and down and down after that.

    Not your circus, not your monkeys. Yes you are their mother. But you didn't make these choices, and it's not your life to live. You have your own life to live. What do you what that life to look like? What do you want that life to be? It came to the point, for me, that I was so completely sick and tired of Difficult Child and all of his stuff, that I was willing not to talk to him for a long time---just like you are with your daughter---to have peace. I had to have peace. I was bankrupt with giving to him, emotionally, physically, mentally, spiritually, financially. I was empty. That was a good day, truly, because I had to change. I had no choice.

    Nope. Don't entertain those thoughts. They are not true. We love our kids so much. All of us on this board love our kids without reservation. As most parents everywhere do. That is a good thing. But what does love demand? I think it demands boundaries. Love demands healthy boundaries. It demands letting people have the space and dignity and respect to live their own lives, regardless if those lives make sense to us or not. And if we don't agree with their choices, and we can't tolerate hearing about them or dealing with him, then we need to take a break from it all. Set physical boundaries, like fewer visits, fewer phone calls, texts, FB messages...set the limits you need to set to create peace in your own life. When they call, dont' answer. I got to the point that I didn't ever have Difficult Child to my house, the house he grew up in, because i would be very nervous when he was here. That is my right, ST. That is your right. If we met, we met somewhere else, at a restaurant or at a neutral place. Taking that step helped me.

    You have the right to set boundaries that work for you. That is not mean. That is loving, first to yourself, and then to your children, because it gives them space to grow and to be whoever they decide to be, without interference from us.

    We're here for you to help navigate the hard times and the tough decisions. We know how hard this is. Hang in there! Warm hugs.
  9. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    To add a little humor to all of it, when your life feels like a Jerry Springer show, you know things need to change. You need to turn it off.

    I remember feeling this way in the midst of all the chaos with my son. I really felt like there was a hidden camera someplace at times! Could this all be real - the stuff we were going through??

    As my therapist put it, you can love your son unconditionally but your relationship should have conditions. So this is possible and it is okay. I was at that place that I knew this had to happen for my mental health. I don't feel guilty about it anymore because it doesn't affect how much I love him. In fact I feel at times I love him too much because it affects me so much when he is struggling or hurt even though he has done it to himself.

    Stay strong!