Tough Love

[Kimsco]

Reading several threads I finally am starting to feel like I’m not alone. I currently have a 25 yr old daughter who when she was 17 was placed in a group home. She had spun so out of control, from truancy to burglarizing several homes (where I was facing possibly losing my home if these victims chose to sue me) to substance abuse, promiscuous behaviors, running away, you name it. The state police started knowing her on a first name basis. She-at the age of 13 was diagnosed with conduct disorder which eventually led to a diagnosis at 18 of borderline personality with sociopath tendencies. As a mother, the diagnosis was a blow yet opened another door to looking for answers and understanding her. So I went to counseling, read borderline material, and did what I could to help her get on her feet. Relationships for her do not come easy- she is not easy to get along with. At this point she has burnt several if not all family ties. Her father and I divorced when she was 2. I worked just to put a roof over our head and food on the table. She is my only child, and love her beyond words. I can’t help but think something I did was not right. Did I not show her enough love? did I work too much and she felt neglected? On and on driving myself crazy… after all she didn’t become this way on her own, as her primary parent, I HAD to have some sort of play in her illness. I recognize I have a lot of misplaced guilt, but as a parent I do not know how to let that go. So fast forward a few years. She has struggled with jobs (which she cannot seem to hold) boyfriends, and just basic thriving necessities and routines that “normal” people do every day. I would go down and help clean, make sure she’s got food, help financially here and there. Last year at this time, she was doing good holding a (PT) job, my husband and I thought it would br nice if she had a car. After all she had to take the bus everywhere including grocery shopping. So we got her a car- mind you it was on its last leg but nonetheless it was a car and paid for 6 months of auto insurance to jump start her. She was 24 - had her license for years, but never a car. The car had problem after problem, so my parents (her grandparents) had an account for her that they told me about. Now since she was over 21, she could close it out herself through the mail by filling out paperwork and having the paperwork sealed by signature guarantee through a bank. My parents were uneasy about telling my daughter about simply because she would not use it wisely. SO, I told her she can look for a better car, & I will advance her the money while waiting for account to be closed and check mailed (which we were having delivered to my parents address so she just in case, couldn’t pull a fast one) I knew the balance was alittle over $7k. After paying for the car, catching her up on rent and utilities it came to like $6800, so I knew we were covered. She had one of her “episodes “ the day she was supposed to get paperwork sealed by bank. Flipped out on me and said she never wanted the car (which she picked out). You guessed it. She figured out how to not only get the paperwork done, but had the check diverted and mailed to her. I never saw a dime. A month later, my parents 50th and brother and his wife’s 25th anniversary come around which just 12 of us had planned a surprise- she never showed. A couple months later, my nieces wedding (her closest cousin) she also didn’t show. Now mind you I have not spoken to her since this happened because she KNOWS what she did was wrong and I was angry, but I knew she was alive, because people would tell me how she is blasting me over social media which I am not on. Two weeks after the wedding, my mother had a stroke. The very same grandmother who along with her grandfather gave my daughter that money. My mother was also my daughter’s biggest advocate, sometimes to a fault. At this point as much as I was still angry, I reached out to her. No response. So I emailed her. Still no response. Now I’m irate. My mother even asked for my daughter while in hospitals and this kid of mine has no heart to contact her. A month later at Thanksgiving I tried reaching out to her again. This time I get a response. An angry one. That how dare I reach out to her after abandoning her, that she sold her car, she no longer lives in the apartment, and she’s pregnant. That my grandchild and her will not have anything to do with me and if I try contacting her, she’ll get a restraining order. Wow. A few weeks later she reached out to me. Her and the baby’s father aren’t getting along, she’s homeless, no job, he’s on disability, and she has no where to go. At first we were going to take her in, but when I asked where that $7k went - she blew it on drugs, alcohol and hotel rooms. She was not remorseful, she not once asked about her grandmother and just because she’s pregnant doesn’t make it ok to take her in. I don’t trust her, I think she end up stealing from us, or if she got angry, do something to jeopardize our jobs, our home,or our animals. And if she moved in, we’d never get her out. No way. After I refused to take her in she flipped out once again, asked me what kind of parent am I, etc. It has become so bad my worry, and anxiety are through the roof. I am on a waiting list to get back into counseling. But sleeping is extremely difficult, sometimes I swear I hear her or see her, and when I do sleep, it’s often nightmares around her. Only by the grace of God, have I come this far. If anyone has any advice or wise words, would love to hear.

 

[Nandina]

Kimsco, welcome. You are in the right place to get some support and help you navigate this very difficult relationship with your daughter.

Although I don’t have experience with borderline personality disorder, many others here do and I’m sure someone will be along soon. Things have been a little slow on this board lately but there are many caring people here.

I want to assure you first of all that you did not cause this in your daughter and please try not to feel guilty. Most of us understand a mother‘s guilt rearing its ugly head when there are no answers in situations like yours. But let it go. It sounds like you have done everything possible to help your daughter. Many children are raised in single parent homes with a hard-working mother just trying to make ends meet (including myself). It does not cause a child to behave in such destructive ways.

I can’t offer much advice other than to say be strong and consistent with your boundaries and don’t enable her. You are right to keep her out of your home if you can’t trust her. The baby on the way complicates matters and makes it harder to detach but there are people here with experience in that realm too who can be more helpful.

I just wanted to respond to you and let you know that I feel your pain and hope you will continue to post here. It really helps. Hugs to you.

 

[BusynMember1]

Hi. I feel for your sad heart.

I believe my daughter is borderline. However she refuses to get help for it so she keeps getting worse and more unmanageable. We did tons for her with no appreciation.
There comes a time, and in my opinion it happens to 90% of us, when we just say "no more!" I am done trying to care for a 34 year old daughter who won't even try. There is no point. She gets no money from us and can't live with us no matter what.

Earlier on, we bought her a house, then a mobile home, then.paid rent, then bought her three cars. Guess what is left of that? If you said nothing, you are right. She lost everything.⁹ She now lives in a dilapidated motorhome in the SW and supports herself on government benefits. She won't talk to us but that is fine. Did I forgot to add that her son now lives with our stable daughter? She never calls to ask about him.

We can only do so much. Sounds to me like you've gone overboard. Lastly I believe mental illness is hereditary. My daughter is adopted. I don't feel the borderline is our fault. Never thought so.We loved her to the moon.

I suggest therapy for you to learn to cope with her and a 12 step Zoom meeting like Families Ananymous. It is too hard to do this alone. Please don't try. Those Zoom meetings are great. Find them online.

Sending hugs and love. I

 

[Kimsco]

Kimsco, welcome. You are in the right place to get some support and help you navigate this very difficult relationship with your daughter.

Although I don’t have experience with borderline personality disorder, many others here do and I’m sure someone will be along soon. Things have been a little slow on this board lately but there are many caring people here.

I want to assure you first of all that you did not cause this in your daughter and please try not to feel guilty. Most of us understand a mother‘s guilt rearing its ugly head when there are no answers in situations like yours. But let it go. It sounds like you have done everything possible to help your daughter. Many children are raised in single parent homes with a hard-working mother just trying to make ends meet (including myself). It does not cause a child to behave in such destructive ways.

I can’t offer much advice other than to say be strong and consistent with your boundaries and don’t enable her. You are right to keep her out of your home if you can’t trust her. The baby on the way complicates matters and makes it harder to detach but there are people here with experience in that realm too who can be more helpful.

I just wanted to respond to you and let you know that I feel your pain and hope you will continue to post here. It really helps. Hugs to you.

Thank you for taking the time to read and respond- I appreciate all your reassurance and kind words of wisdom

 

[Kimsco]

Hi. I feel for your sad heart.

I believe my daughter is borderline. However she refuses to get help for it so she keeps getting worse and more unmanageable. We did tons for her with no appreciation.
There comes a time, and in my opinion it happens to 90% of us, when we just say "no more!" I am done trying to care for a 34 year old daughter who won't even try. There is no point. She gets no money from us and can't live with us no matter what.

Earlier on, we bought her a house, then a mobile home, then.paid rent, then bought her three cars. Guess what is left of that? If you said nothing, you are right. She lost everything.⁹ She now lives in a dilapidated motorhome in the SW and supports herself on government benefits. She won't talk to us but that is fine. Did I forgot to add that her son now lives with our stable daughter? She never calls to ask about him.

We can only do so much. Sounds to me like you've gone overboard. Lastly I believe mental illness is hereditary. My daughter is adopted. I don't feel the borderline is our fault. Never thought so.We loved her to the moon.

I suggest therapy for you to learn to cope with her and a 12 step Zoom meeting like Families Ananymous. It is too hard to do this alone. Please don't try. Those Zoom meetings are great. Find them online.

Sending hugs and love. I

Thank you also for reading and responding. I will look for these zoom meetings and continue to seek counseling when it becomes available. I see all my families and their adult kids becoming successful contributing members to society, and mine seems to think having a job is being a sucker to society, and her reach for goals is leaching off the system. My heart aches for those who have non thriving adult children with any mental illness. I wish someone had all the answers but every situation is unique and no one answer fits every problem. It’s comforting to me to see I am not alone-no ONE understands fully until they themselves have to deal with it. Thank you for all who share, your stories give me insight, help me to better understand, and most of all not feel alone, hopeless or helpless. I wish there were more local/ in person support groups - I will continue to search ((hugs))

 

[RN0441]

Welcome

I also do not have any experience with borderline personality disorder but came here when my son was off the rails because I was DESPERATE to find answers.

If you pray then I'd suggest you pray for your daughter and yourself. We also need to have self compassion for ourselves when we go through these hard things. We are just moms that love our children and want them to be healthy and happy. Nothing is ever a quick fix.

I think prayer and counseling are the only two things you can really do right now. I don't blame you for not wanting her in your home. I'm sure she will be abusive and possibly break up your current marriage and happy home and it won't even help her anyway!

More will be along with their thoughts and advice. I don't think I would have made it without the people on this site that helped me figure things out one day at a time.

Keep us posted.

 

[Kimsco]

Thank you- I totally agree

 

[newstart]

Reading several threads I finally am starting to feel like I’m not alone. I currently have a 25 yr old daughter who when she was 17 was placed in a group home. She had spun so out of control, from truancy to burglarizing several homes (where I was facing possibly losing my home if these victims chose to sue me) to substance abuse, promiscuous behaviors, running away, you name it. The state police started knowing her on a first name basis. She-at the age of 13 was diagnosed with conduct disorder which eventually led to a diagnosis at 18 of borderline personality with sociopath tendencies. As a mother, the diagnosis was a blow yet opened another door to looking for answers and understanding her. So I went to counseling, read borderline material, and did what I could to help her get on her feet. Relationships for her do not come easy- she is not easy to get along with. At this point she has burnt several if not all family ties. Her father and I divorced when she was 2. I worked just to put a roof over our head and food on the table. She is my only child, and love her beyond words. I can’t help but think something I did was not right. Did I not show her enough love? did I work too much and she felt neglected? On and on driving myself crazy… after all she didn’t become this way on her own, as her primary parent, I HAD to have some sort of play in her illness. I recognize I have a lot of misplaced guilt, but as a parent I do not know how to let that go. So fast forward a few years. She has struggled with jobs (which she cannot seem to hold) boyfriends, and just basic thriving necessities and routines that “normal” people do every day. I would go down and help clean, make sure she’s got food, help financially here and there. Last year at this time, she was doing good holding a (PT) job, my husband and I thought it would br nice if she had a car. After all she had to take the bus everywhere including grocery shopping. So we got her a car- mind you it was on its last leg but nonetheless it was a car and paid for 6 months of auto insurance to jump start her. She was 24 - had her license for years, but never a car. The car had problem after problem, so my parents (her grandparents) had an account for her that they told me about. Now since she was over 21, she could close it out herself through the mail by filling out paperwork and having the paperwork sealed by signature guarantee through a bank. My parents were uneasy about telling my daughter about simply because she would not use it wisely. SO, I told her she can look for a better car, & I will advance her the money while waiting for account to be closed and check mailed (which we were having delivered to my parents address so she just in case, couldn’t pull a fast one) I knew the balance was alittle over $7k. After paying for the car, catching her up on rent and utilities it came to like $6800, so I knew we were covered. She had one of her “episodes “ the day she was supposed to get paperwork sealed by bank. Flipped out on me and said she never wanted the car (which she picked out). You guessed it. She figured out how to not only get the paperwork done, but had the check diverted and mailed to her. I never saw a dime. A month later, my parents 50th and brother and his wife’s 25th anniversary come around which just 12 of us had planned a surprise- she never showed. A couple months later, my nieces wedding (her closest cousin) she also didn’t show. Now mind you I have not spoken to her since this happened because she KNOWS what she did was wrong and I was angry, but I knew she was alive, because people would tell me how she is blasting me over social media which I am not on. Two weeks after the wedding, my mother had a stroke. The very same grandmother who along with her grandfather gave my daughter that money. My mother was also my daughter’s biggest advocate, sometimes to a fault. At this point as much as I was still angry, I reached out to her. No response. So I emailed her. Still no response. Now I’m irate. My mother even asked for my daughter while in hospitals and this kid of mine has no heart to contact her. A month later at Thanksgiving I tried reaching out to her again. This time I get a response. An angry one. That how dare I reach out to her after abandoning her, that she sold her car, she no longer lives in the apartment, and she’s pregnant. That my grandchild and her will not have anything to do with me and if I try contacting her, she’ll get a restraining order. Wow. A few weeks later she reached out to me. Her and the baby’s father aren’t getting along, she’s homeless, no job, he’s on disability, and she has no where to go. At first we were going to take her in, but when I asked where that $7k went - she blew it on drugs, alcohol and hotel rooms. She was not remorseful, she not once asked about her grandmother and just because she’s pregnant doesn’t make it ok to take her in. I don’t trust her, I think she end up stealing from us, or if she got angry, do something to jeopardize our jobs, our home,or our animals. And if she moved in, we’d never get her out. No way. After I refused to take her in she flipped out once again, asked me what kind of parent am I, etc. It has become so bad my worry, and anxiety are through the roof. I am on a waiting list to get back into counseling. But sleeping is extremely difficult, sometimes I swear I hear her or see her, and when I do sleep, it’s often nightmares around her. Only by the grace of God, have I come this far. If anyone has any advice or wise words, would love to hear.

kimsco, I am so very sorry for your hard road with your daughter. Unfortunately I have experience around borderline/bipolar people. Not only my daughter but my in laws. I know how hard it is to get distance from your own daughter, I know about how deep the love for her goes and I know how deep down wicked she can be. It does not matter if what they are doing is illness or demon possessed the pain is the same.
I have a daughter who will be turning 40 soon. She was extremely awful from ages 21-35. I decided to completely cut her off, meaning not even answering the door when she came over. I think she thought I would always tolerate her abuse and found out I was done. Me not talking to her for 3 months let her know I was serious and it did make a difference, she still lies and is awful but the belligerence is 90% better. My road with her is still very difficult but I quit trying to make a relationship happen. Your daughter may not even be PG and just telling you that to give you more grief. When I made the decision to not talk or have anything to do with my bipolar/borderline in laws my life became so much better. The amount of grief, pain and agony these people can give can cause so much damage on mind, body and soul. I understand your love for her since she is your daughter. Read all you can about psychopathy and it will help you not hurt so much if you understand this horrific illness. God Bless and hold you.

 

[Kimsco]

Thank you for sharing. All I can do is pray. Last I heard (and saw a very pregnant her in a picture) is she is due in a few weeks, and homeless. I am hoping she went to a shelter where maybe they can guide her. No ONE can or are willing to take her in. I’d have to quit working just to keep an I on her- which I can’t do. We do not have a relationship, I went several months without speaking to her… again. Sadly you are right, life is more peaceful without the craziness and I feel like I can get a grip. However it doesn’t lessen the worry, fear, guilt and now the torture of knowing my grandson is coming and that’s going to be a WHOLE other situation. EVEN if she didn’t want or couldn’t take care of baby there is no way we can take in a baby and raise it- bringing guilt to yet another level. I have to keep telling myself she’s Gods child, and I cannot allow her problem/ situation to become mine. I just think especially as a parent, we are programmed that Its our job - and is expected- to always take care of our children, regardless of age, or scenario, to fix their problems, never turn your back and always support them….and because I don’t, I feel like the worst, most selfish person in the world. Sucks. That’s where I still need work on, hopefully in time it will dissipate. Thank you again

 

[RN0441]

Hi

I'm hoping she'll think about giving the baby up for adoption so he has a better chance at life. She cannot even care for herself so how can she care for a newborn baby.

 

[Copabanana]

She figured out how to not only get the paperwork done, but had the check diverted and mailed to her. I never saw a dime.

Dear Kim

I am so sorry you are in these hard, hard straits. I think what your daughter did with the check is unconscionable--really, really bad. I also think that she has given you no place to stand, in terms of helping her. She has shown in every conceivable way that she is untrustworthy, disloyal, devoid of empathy or reciprocity.

I do not believe in the dictum "you made your bed, now lie in it." I believe in giving people chances. But in your daughter's situation she has behaved with such ugliness, that exposing yourself to more of the same would seem masochistic. I know that these words do nothing to assuage the pain, but they may help you avoid worse consequences.

I pray too that she does not expose a new baby to her chaotic and self-serving lifestyle. That said, there is assistance to new mothers with babies who are risk. Parenting programs, maternal-child bonding help, economic assistance, schooling and training. Your daughter will have to help herself and her new baby.

All of us here wonder at times where WE went wrong, and how we contributed to the problems of our children. This is wasted energy and it is self indulgent, to my way of thinking. Rolling around in guilt does nothing to help and it makes us vulnerable to our children, and more apt to make wrong decisions and to worsen their situation and our own. STOP with the guilt. The issue here is your daughter. You ARE NOT the issue.

What will help her is having to take responsibility for the messes she has created. Your daughter has closed off all the ways that you could have assisted and supported her, by her bad mouthing you, by her treachery, by her behavior and by her unwillingness to show care to those who love her and tried to help her. How could this not have real world consequence? How could you respond differently? I don't see how.

Welcome to the forum. Posting helps. You will find a lot of support and compassion here.

 

[Kimsco]

Wow- all I can say is thank you. You’re absolutely right in finding compassion here. When it starts up again -which I’m sure It will- with those feelings of guilt and hurt I am going to pull this up and reabsorb. I believe just in reading these words over and over and having consistent reassurance in the dark times -which I seem to be plagued with time and time again, is going to help immensely .

 

[BusynMember1]

Ditto on adoption. In her sad circumstance the child will be taken away anyhow if she doesn't willingly do it. At least in volunteery adoption they can choose the family. And often do open adoptions.

A my love

 

[Nomad]

Hello. Welcome. We just went through something atrocious /egregious with our 34 year old daughter. The damn broke. We reached a point that we realized we can’t do this anymore. She gets gov assistance and any communication or help from us is extraordinarily minimum. Still picking up the real life pieces of the damage caused. A huge mess. Of which she is totally responsible, yet assumes zero responsibility. And shows no remorse. Never grateful. Never learns. Makes little and mostly NO effort. Zero empathy. A no win situation. Yet, I have moments I try to look back and wonder went went wrong.

We hope she starts to take some responsibility fir her actions. But she continues to text nasty notes to us blaming us fir all her problems…poor choices…everything. Even those xxxx texts in and of themselves are horribly poor choices. It’s all disturbing.

Counseling helps.

We also went to a few real life Families Anonymous meetings. Very helpful. They are 40 minutes away using a difficult expressway. So, we might switch to on line. Meanwhile, I have their literature and often refer to it.

I suppose I’m not fully there yet…but I’m finding my strength , happiness, ability to cope ….all of it….and it feels GOOD.

Check out FA or a group like it.

Blessings.

 

[killingmesoftly]

Reading several threads I finally am starting to feel like I’m not alone. I currently have a 25 yr old daughter who when she was 17 was placed in a group home. She had spun so out of control, from truancy to burglarizing several homes (where I was facing possibly losing my home if these victims chose to sue me) to substance abuse, promiscuous behaviors, running away, you name it. The state police started knowing her on a first name basis. She-at the age of 13 was diagnosed with conduct disorder which eventually led to a diagnosis at 18 of borderline personality with sociopath tendencies. As a mother, the diagnosis was a blow yet opened another door to looking for answers and understanding her. So I went to counseling, read borderline material, and did what I could to help her get on her feet. Relationships for her do not come easy- she is not easy to get along with. At this point she has burnt several if not all family ties. Her father and I divorced when she was 2. I worked just to put a roof over our head and food on the table. She is my only child, and love her beyond words. I can’t help but think something I did was not right. Did I not show her enough love? did I work too much and she felt neglected? On and on driving myself crazy… after all she didn’t become this way on her own, as her primary parent, I HAD to have some sort of play in her illness. I recognize I have a lot of misplaced guilt, but as a parent I do not know how to let that go. So fast forward a few years. She has struggled with jobs (which she cannot seem to hold) boyfriends, and just basic thriving necessities and routines that “normal” people do every day. I would go down and help clean, make sure she’s got food, help financially here and there. Last year at this time, she was doing good holding a (PT) job, my husband and I thought it would br nice if she had a car. After all she had to take the bus everywhere including grocery shopping. So we got her a car- mind you it was on its last leg but nonetheless it was a car and paid for 6 months of auto insurance to jump start her. She was 24 - had her license for years, but never a car. The car had problem after problem, so my parents (her grandparents) had an account for her that they told me about. Now since she was over 21, she could close it out herself through the mail by filling out paperwork and having the paperwork sealed by signature guarantee through a bank. My parents were uneasy about telling my daughter about simply because she would not use it wisely. SO, I told her she can look for a better car, & I will advance her the money while waiting for account to be closed and check mailed (which we were having delivered to my parents address so she just in case, couldn’t pull a fast one) I knew the balance was alittle over $7k. After paying for the car, catching her up on rent and utilities it came to like $6800, so I knew we were covered. She had one of her “episodes “ the day she was supposed to get paperwork sealed by bank. Flipped out on me and said she never wanted the car (which she picked out). You guessed it. She figured out how to not only get the paperwork done, but had the check diverted and mailed to her. I never saw a dime. A month later, my parents 50th and brother and his wife’s 25th anniversary come around which just 12 of us had planned a surprise- she never showed. A couple months later, my nieces wedding (her closest cousin) she also didn’t show. Now mind you I have not spoken to her since this happened because she KNOWS what she did was wrong and I was angry, but I knew she was alive, because people would tell me how she is blasting me over social media which I am not on. Two weeks after the wedding, my mother had a stroke. The very same grandmother who along with her grandfather gave my daughter that money. My mother was also my daughter’s biggest advocate, sometimes to a fault. At this point as much as I was still angry, I reached out to her. No response. So I emailed her. Still no response. Now I’m irate. My mother even asked for my daughter while in hospitals and this kid of mine has no heart to contact her. A month later at Thanksgiving I tried reaching out to her again. This time I get a response. An angry one. That how dare I reach out to her after abandoning her, that she sold her car, she no longer lives in the apartment, and she’s pregnant. That my grandchild and her will not have anything to do with me and if I try contacting her, she’ll get a restraining order. Wow. A few weeks later she reached out to me. Her and the baby’s father aren’t getting along, she’s homeless, no job, he’s on disability, and she has no where to go. At first we were going to take her in, but when I asked where that $7k went - she blew it on drugs, alcohol and hotel rooms. She was not remorseful, she not once asked about her grandmother and just because she’s pregnant doesn’t make it ok to take her in. I don’t trust her, I think she end up stealing from us, or if she got angry, do something to jeopardize our jobs, our home,or our animals. And if she moved in, we’d never get her out. No way. After I refused to take her in she flipped out once again, asked me what kind of parent am I, etc. It has become so bad my worry, and anxiety are through the roof. I am on a waiting list to get back into counseling. But sleeping is extremely difficult, sometimes I swear I hear her or see her, and when I do sleep, it’s often nightmares around her. Only by the grace of God, have I come this far. If anyone has any advice or wise words, would love to hear.

Kimsco, All I can say is wow, Wow, WOW! I could have penned your dialogue myself! My daughter is 36 and still exhibits all the behavior you described about your daughter. I have given her tens of thousands of dollars, cars, places to stay, etc. It's never enough and nothing has changed. As of yesterday, I am trying tough love again. Be strong, I keep telling myself. I didn't cause it, I can't control it, I can't change it, I keep telling myself. I cannot keep enabling. I feel your pain, Kimsco. You are not alone.

 

[LoveTempered]

Hi Kimsco. The guilt is hard. I am early in the Emeritus journey and have to keep telling myself that I did the best I could with what I knew and what I had at the time my kids were younger. Who can really know what causes these behaviors to start? Epigenetic research is now telling us that gene expression can be triggered by events in past generations. Nonetheless, I catch myself in "what if" thoughts and like the wise ones here have said already, it doesn't do you any good to go there. The folks here are so wonderful at reminding each other of the realities we face and how to stay strong. Glad you are here. You are definitely not alone!

 

[killingmesoftly]

Hi. I feel for your sad heart.

I believe my daughter is borderline. However she refuses to get help for it so she keeps getting worse and more unmanageable. We did tons for her with no appreciation.
There comes a time, and in my opinion it happens to 90% of us, when we just say "no more!" I am done trying to care for a 34 year old daughter who won't even try. There is no point. She gets no money from us and can't live with us no matter what.

Earlier on, we bought her a house, then a mobile home, then.paid rent, then bought her three cars. Guess what is left of that? If you said nothing, you are right. She lost everything.⁹ She now lives in a dilapidated motorhome in the SW and supports herself on government benefits. She won't talk to us but that is fine. Did I forgot to add that her son now lives with our stable daughter? She never calls to ask about him.

We can only do so much. Sounds to me like you've gone overboard. Lastly I believe mental illness is hereditary. My daughter is adopted. I don't feel the borderline is our fault. Never thought so.We loved her to the moon.

I suggest therapy for you to learn to cope with her and a 12 step Zoom meeting like Families Ananymous. It is too hard to do this alone. Please don't try. Those Zoom meetings are great. Find them online.

Sending hugs and love. I

This is my story in a nutshell except my daughter is my biological child. I've given her the moon with no appreciation in return. I've reached the point where I'm finally saying "no more" but it's killing me. This tiny voice in my head keeps saying "what kind of mother abandons their child?". I hate that tiny voice. :-(

 

[in a daze]

We also went to a few real life Families Anonymous meetings. Very helpful. They are 40 minutes away using a difficult expressway. So, we might switch to on line. Meanwhile, I have their literature and often refer to it.

I second this. I look forward to my FA meeting every week. It’s not about trying to ”fix” your family member, but changing your reactions and setting boundaries. It’s enormously helpful!

 

[LoveTempered]

This is my story in a nutshell except my daughter is my biological child. I've given her the moon with no appreciation in return. I've reached the point where I'm finally saying "no more" but it's killing me. This tiny voice in my head keeps saying "what kind of mother abandons their child?". I hate that tiny voice. :-(

I hear that voice too and then I realize that I am not abandoning but loving in a healthy way. It helps me to think of the beautiful person inside as being held captive by addiction and illness. When I give in to the demands or manipulations, I am just giving strength to the things that keep my son sick. His only hope is to realize (if he ever will) that his current path is not safe or desirable. If I make it easier, he'll not see the true consequences of his choices. I also have to remind myself that he may not mind the hard consequences and that I'll be the one suffering for him unless I find a way to detach and let him rise and fall on his own. Tough stuff and I invite you to remind me I said this anytime I falter and share about it here. Doing the right things when it's the hardest thing you'll ever do means you're an amazing parent, in my humble opinion. Blessings!

 

[Kimsco]

I hear that voice too and then I realize that I am not abandoning but loving in a healthy way. It helps me to think of the beautiful person inside as being held captive by addiction and illness. When I give in to the demands or manipulations, I am just giving strength to the things that keep my son sick. His only hope is to realize (if he ever will) that his current path is not safe or desirable. If I make it easier, he'll not see the true consequences of his choices. I also have to remind myself that he may not mind the hard consequences and that I'll be the one suffering for him unless I find a way to detach and let him rise and fall on his own. Tough stuff and I invite you to remind me I said this anytime I falter and share about it here. Doing the right things when it's the hardest thing you'll ever do means you're an amazing parent, in my humble opinion. Blessings!

I love how you said, you are not abandoning but instead loving in a healthy way. I think as a mother, no matter the circumstance….you feel you are “abandoning” a child when these awful unfortunate situations arise, causing some sort of strain on the relationship resulting in disconnect. I think we then automatically associate that disconnect as abandonment which allows for misplaced guilt. It’s a Vicious cycle. Something I know I have to work on.