Couldn't sleep last night. Kept waking up having anxiety that I'll never see my son again, he will never care about me, I'll die alone. I know it's always worst late at night but even today I've been on the verge of tears all day. My son walked out last Friday night, dragging suit case behind him. He was drunk or high, droopy eyes, slurring speech, weaving back and forth. He threw stuff in his suit case and left with his girlfriend to Austin. She is 19 (my son is 23). She lives with her mom who I guess lets them get high all day while she's at work. He's been withdrawing all his money and spending it on food, smoke shops (head shops). $100, $200, $300 withdrawals at a time. His inheritance is disappearing fast out of his savings and it kills me that someone who has been given that much money is blowing it fast. "Mom, I'm young and having fun, you should smoke pot so you are not stressed out". I'm not stressed out, I'm an adult who is not going to get high and risk a random drug test at work and lose my job. My job is what keeps me sane and my mind off everything. Today my boss told me I had 9 days of vacation I needed to use before the end of this month. I don't even want to take that time off because I will be alone. She insisted. I can't tell anyone at work my problems with my son - I don't trust them enough. Before the falling out with my son we were going to take a trip to Florida together. Now I don't know if I will hear from him again. He has money, he is staying at his girlfriends (who I'm sure is telling him I'm a horrible mother). They are getting high all day, no responsibilities, going to the river to hang out and probably drinking a lot. Her last three Instagram posts have been of pot (what is the resin used for)? She's holding up a chunk of it and calling it "honey". Her nails are all chipped of polish, her mascara is smeared under her eyes and she's wearing a pentagram necklace. This is who he is in love with. Sheez. My mind has been churning. I spent 23 years loving a son and raising him to be a good man. I protected him, stood up for him when teachers called, took him traveling, taught him about life... he was such a great kid until he graduated high school. Jail three times, wrecked the car I gave him, ruined his credit, started disrespecting me, forgot me on Mother's Day and my birthday. I feel totally betrayed. He could care less about me. I'm detaching but it hurts so much. I've lost the one thing I love more than life. My husband died when he was 2 months. I was so strong, I kept going and worked, raised my son alone. My mom died when my son was 4, my dad and oldest brother shortly thereafter. The one remaining brother I had lost his job, home, all his money so he drank himself to death.. I got a call at work from the Sheriff's Dept. that he was found dead behind a dumpster. I've survived 5 major deaths, paid for three funerals (which drained my savings). I cannot bear getting a 6th phone call saying "your son passed away". WTF have I done to endure so much punishment in life? I always thought.. at least I have my son... but now he is gone because I kicked him out for being a pothead and failing to launch. Sadness, guilt, did I do the right thing? What if he dies and I did this to him? How can he not care about his own mother? A few weeks ago I had hurt my back. I needed to go grocery shopping and I asked him if he'd wait around the house and help bring in the groceries. He said no, he was going out. A month ago my car died on the side of the freeway. I called him to see if he and his friend could come get me. He said no, they were across town. At 23 years old my son is the most selfish , immature, ungrateful person I've known. I regret rushing out of work in a panic (three times) to bail him out of jail. I regret sticking up for him all the times his teachers called to tell me he was causing problems in school. I broke up with a guy I was dating because he told me "that kid is going to be trouble". I've been thru hell and survived so much tragedy and my son knows it. And he does this with his life knowing full well its killing me. I never dreamed my son would disappoint and betray me like this. Was I too good to him all these years? Now that he has his big inheritance payout - he is draining that money on drugs, drug paraphanelia, and other nonsense. I actually thought he'd (for the first time in his life) say "mom, for all you've done for me, let me take you out to dinner for a change!". Nope, instead he bought two black lights, four black light posters, a new bong, t-shirts off the internet and a new $700 iPhone with a $90 waterproof case. And the packages keep coming to my doorstep. - like it's Xmas. As a single mom my son never went without a great Xmas or birthday. I took him deep sea fishing, hunting, traveling to the east coast and the west coast - I've been a damn good mom. All for what? I know I did the right thing making him leave but its like another death and I'm hurting way more than he is. He is out having a ball blowing wads of cash. So hard to watch since I've struggled all my life and devoted 23 years to raising a son - and he does literally nothing with his life since high school, has gone to jail three times, wrecked the car I gave him, lost his license, sat round doing drugs, sleeping until Noon and then he is handed $36K. I tried getting him to save & invest some of it, showed him how to budget it and be careful... he could care less. He's blowing it as fast as he can. And what is worse, he will be given another $30K on his 24th birthday in April. I don't think I'll hear from him for a long time. I'm the bad guy. Had to vent - get this off my chest. Thank God for this forum - you people are all I have to talk to about this. I'm adjusting but I love my son and miss who he used to be before drugs changed him.