Mikey
Psycho Gorilla Dad
McWeedy has finally been given his ultimatum. I know it's the right thing to do, given that he's been on a serious downhill slide over the last few months. But I can't help but feel that even if he does what I want him to do, will it make any difference?
After we came back from Orlando, I knew that waiting/hoping for "my son" to reappear so I could reconnect with him was a dream. "My son" doesn't exist anymore. That was the one defining truth revealed by our trip. With that understanding, it was time for me to do something.
I had no choice, for my family's sake. I can't let McWeedy be the black hole that consumes the life and vitality out of us any more......
Sarge is turning out to be one heck of a good young man - decided on pre-medication, after suffering severe disappointments over not being able to fly for the Air Force or becoming a police officer (he's colorblind). Instead, he continued to push forward until he found another goal, and went for it. Now going to school, worried about paying his bills and working his buttocks off. Making a real name for himself in a cadet program (they sent him as an "exchange student" of sorts to Hong Kong for two weeks). Could even end up with an appointment to a military academy if he keeps up the good work. He's even starting to loosen up, get a sense of humor with me and wife, and has even lightened up on tormenting his little sister. Good kid.
Dancer is pushing ahead with her life as well. Still on the dance team, but sees nothing but endless possibilities ahead of her. Maybe cheerleading? Maybe going back to gymnastics in HS? Good student - not AP stuff, but very good overall. And is also maturing well. Didn't get an officer position on the dance team (which she really wanted), but has realized that she can still contribute to the overall success of the team in other ways. Also, she's absolutely disgusted with the behavior of some of her friends (sending nudie shots from camera phones to friends, nasty texting, sexual experimentation/flirting, some booze, etc..). Doing well, good head on her shoulders, good kid.
Then there's McWeedy. He's given up everything good in his life. He's let go of every good relationship in his life. He's abandoned every worthwhile dream or interest he's ever had. He now lives to get high and hang out with his stoner friends. He's months behind on paying his bills, ran up a 200 dollar phone bill last month on his cell phone, and leaves work early every chance he gets (which makes his paychecks tiny). He had every chance the other two kids had, all the potential they have {and maybe he still does), but he threw it away.
Started smoking again (cigs and pot), started acting as a middleman to help others get drugs, and is hanging out in places that are just begging to be raided by the cops. Told him all of this, he said I was just paranoid and psycho. Told him that a narcotics detective said me he would be charged as as if he were a dealer - and as an adult - if he got caught. More "hysteria" on my part, sez himself.
I just couldn't take it any more. I was waiting for wife to get back from the left coast before I did anything. Not sure she agrees completely, but basically read him the riot act on Friday. Gave him three choices:
<ul>[*]Go into rehab or some other intensive treatment, come out and start your life in a different direction with all the support your family can give you.[*]Not cause any more problems for the family, then move out in two months and live in your stoner nirvana on your own money and time. You'll have to pay off your car to me, get your own cell phone (if you can), get your own auto insurance (if you can), and hope that the local free clinic can help you the next time you're nearly dead from an asthma attack (assuming your stoner buddies aren't so impaired that they realize you need help before you die).[*]Stay at home, get sober, stay sober, finish school, then leave; drop dirty on a random drug test, gone. Bring drugs in my house, come home impaired, do anything illegal, I call the police and you're gone. Break the rules of the house that everyone has to live by , you're gone.[/list]Told him all this on Friday. Gave him a day to think about it. Didn't hear anything on Saturday. Told him on Sunday that he was on the clock, an that making NO decision was in itself a decision, and I would assume that he would be moving out in two months. Sunday afternoon, forced him to come home and clean the Katrina disaster that was his room, and intended to force an answer out of him then. No luck - he escaped back into the ether when I wasn't looking, then wouldn't answer his phone for 5 hours. Finally found him over at the local hookah house, but didn't confront him because of the crowd of other thugs around him.
Finally got him on the phone, he said he'd be back around midnight. I said "no, your curfew Sunday through Thursday is 11. Be home then" and that was it. He was almost 45 minutes late, and tried to sneak into his room with his girlfriend. No luck for him. Called him in, asked him where he'd been and why wasn't he answering his phone? "Oh, I've been out with friends driving around, and my phone is on vibrate...."
:grrr:
"Really? According to the online phone records, you were taking and making calls to everyone but us. And I also drove by Hookah Heaven and saw you outside smoking god-knows-what with a crowd of other teens. So stop lying and try again."
"Okay, I went to that house, smoked some, then drove around with my girlfriend". That was as much as I was going to get, since that was all I actually knew about.
Now thoroughly inflamed, I told him again I was waiting on an answer. He looked at me like I'd just tried to explain a 4th-order differential equation to him. So this time, I reiterated (loudly) the three options, and that I expected an answer by Monday (today). I was also yelling loud enough for the girlfriend to hear every word, so that she could participate in whatever conversation he might have with her based on what I actually said, not on what McWeedy told her I said.
Before he walked out, I also told him that I was done being his friend. I was his Dad, and it was time for me to act like one. And that whether or not he believed it, I was doing this because I loved him. It would be so much easier if I didn't love him, if I didn't care. Then, like all of his other friends' parents, I would just let him wander the streets without a care while I went and lived my little suburban dream life without his stress or giving one frog fart for his wellbeing. Much easier, but not what you do when you love someone. And it wasn't what I was going to do.
So instead, I would take the hard road and force him to decide what road he wanted to take. He could choose the drug addiction and drug life, which was harmful to his health, harmful to his freedom, harmful to his future, and incompatible with the rest of the family. If that's what he wanted, he could do it somewhere else, on his own money and time, where he couldn't force me to watch him slowly destroy himself when there wasn't anything I could do to stop it. Or, he could decide that there was some value to being a member of the family, accept the fact that we ALL still want him as a part of the family, and start acting like a member of the family. That also means accepting that there are responsibilities both to us and himself that come with that roll. It's simple: take care of yourself, take care of your loved ones, take care of your future. However, being an active, self-absorbed, disenfranchised drug addict with no ambition and no commitment was completely incompatible with being a part of the family.
So decide what's important, decide what's valuable to you, decide what road you want to walk, and choose!
So now the waiting game begins until tonight.
My only concern now is that I'll get exactly what I want. Weird, but true. If I force him into a corner to where he has no choice, will he actually get anything out of rehab or IOP? Or will it be a waste of money on my part, with the end result being that he'll just fail because it wasn't his choice.
I know that getting any kind of help - even if it's forced - is better than letting him continue down this path. In the short term, that's good for the family because it reduces the drama and stress. But long term, will it really make any difference to McWeedy? Will it help, or will it only polarize him further so that when he can actually move out on his own, he overcompensates and takes a running leap into the abyss? I know it's his choice, but I'm still his Dad, and I still love him very much. Some connections, no matter how hard you try to practice "letting go", just can't be broken.
I have a friend who's an IT consultant, who says that he never threatens to leave a company to try and negotiate a better situation. Once you make the threat, you're as good as gone anyway to the company you work for. Or, in your own mind you're already gone so your work will suffer. In his case, when he gets to that point, he simply realizes it's time to move on to something else.
My fear is that maybe the same is true with McWeedy. Instead of forcing him into treatment (which he doesn't want and will only grudgingly tolerate, if at all), maybe he should just go. Then, when he's ready, he can come back and ask for the help he needs, and will get something out of it.
No matter what, I'll probably second-guess myself regardless of what McWeedy chooses, or what the eventual outcome is. Either way, though, at least tonight I'll find out tonight which path McWeedy intends to walk.
Wish me luck.
Mikey
After we came back from Orlando, I knew that waiting/hoping for "my son" to reappear so I could reconnect with him was a dream. "My son" doesn't exist anymore. That was the one defining truth revealed by our trip. With that understanding, it was time for me to do something.
I had no choice, for my family's sake. I can't let McWeedy be the black hole that consumes the life and vitality out of us any more......
Sarge is turning out to be one heck of a good young man - decided on pre-medication, after suffering severe disappointments over not being able to fly for the Air Force or becoming a police officer (he's colorblind). Instead, he continued to push forward until he found another goal, and went for it. Now going to school, worried about paying his bills and working his buttocks off. Making a real name for himself in a cadet program (they sent him as an "exchange student" of sorts to Hong Kong for two weeks). Could even end up with an appointment to a military academy if he keeps up the good work. He's even starting to loosen up, get a sense of humor with me and wife, and has even lightened up on tormenting his little sister. Good kid.
Dancer is pushing ahead with her life as well. Still on the dance team, but sees nothing but endless possibilities ahead of her. Maybe cheerleading? Maybe going back to gymnastics in HS? Good student - not AP stuff, but very good overall. And is also maturing well. Didn't get an officer position on the dance team (which she really wanted), but has realized that she can still contribute to the overall success of the team in other ways. Also, she's absolutely disgusted with the behavior of some of her friends (sending nudie shots from camera phones to friends, nasty texting, sexual experimentation/flirting, some booze, etc..). Doing well, good head on her shoulders, good kid.
Then there's McWeedy. He's given up everything good in his life. He's let go of every good relationship in his life. He's abandoned every worthwhile dream or interest he's ever had. He now lives to get high and hang out with his stoner friends. He's months behind on paying his bills, ran up a 200 dollar phone bill last month on his cell phone, and leaves work early every chance he gets (which makes his paychecks tiny). He had every chance the other two kids had, all the potential they have {and maybe he still does), but he threw it away.
Started smoking again (cigs and pot), started acting as a middleman to help others get drugs, and is hanging out in places that are just begging to be raided by the cops. Told him all of this, he said I was just paranoid and psycho. Told him that a narcotics detective said me he would be charged as as if he were a dealer - and as an adult - if he got caught. More "hysteria" on my part, sez himself.
I just couldn't take it any more. I was waiting for wife to get back from the left coast before I did anything. Not sure she agrees completely, but basically read him the riot act on Friday. Gave him three choices:
<ul>[*]Go into rehab or some other intensive treatment, come out and start your life in a different direction with all the support your family can give you.[*]Not cause any more problems for the family, then move out in two months and live in your stoner nirvana on your own money and time. You'll have to pay off your car to me, get your own cell phone (if you can), get your own auto insurance (if you can), and hope that the local free clinic can help you the next time you're nearly dead from an asthma attack (assuming your stoner buddies aren't so impaired that they realize you need help before you die).[*]Stay at home, get sober, stay sober, finish school, then leave; drop dirty on a random drug test, gone. Bring drugs in my house, come home impaired, do anything illegal, I call the police and you're gone. Break the rules of the house that everyone has to live by , you're gone.[/list]Told him all this on Friday. Gave him a day to think about it. Didn't hear anything on Saturday. Told him on Sunday that he was on the clock, an that making NO decision was in itself a decision, and I would assume that he would be moving out in two months. Sunday afternoon, forced him to come home and clean the Katrina disaster that was his room, and intended to force an answer out of him then. No luck - he escaped back into the ether when I wasn't looking, then wouldn't answer his phone for 5 hours. Finally found him over at the local hookah house, but didn't confront him because of the crowd of other thugs around him.
Finally got him on the phone, he said he'd be back around midnight. I said "no, your curfew Sunday through Thursday is 11. Be home then" and that was it. He was almost 45 minutes late, and tried to sneak into his room with his girlfriend. No luck for him. Called him in, asked him where he'd been and why wasn't he answering his phone? "Oh, I've been out with friends driving around, and my phone is on vibrate...."
:grrr:
"Really? According to the online phone records, you were taking and making calls to everyone but us. And I also drove by Hookah Heaven and saw you outside smoking god-knows-what with a crowd of other teens. So stop lying and try again."
"Okay, I went to that house, smoked some, then drove around with my girlfriend". That was as much as I was going to get, since that was all I actually knew about.
Now thoroughly inflamed, I told him again I was waiting on an answer. He looked at me like I'd just tried to explain a 4th-order differential equation to him. So this time, I reiterated (loudly) the three options, and that I expected an answer by Monday (today). I was also yelling loud enough for the girlfriend to hear every word, so that she could participate in whatever conversation he might have with her based on what I actually said, not on what McWeedy told her I said.
Before he walked out, I also told him that I was done being his friend. I was his Dad, and it was time for me to act like one. And that whether or not he believed it, I was doing this because I loved him. It would be so much easier if I didn't love him, if I didn't care. Then, like all of his other friends' parents, I would just let him wander the streets without a care while I went and lived my little suburban dream life without his stress or giving one frog fart for his wellbeing. Much easier, but not what you do when you love someone. And it wasn't what I was going to do.
So instead, I would take the hard road and force him to decide what road he wanted to take. He could choose the drug addiction and drug life, which was harmful to his health, harmful to his freedom, harmful to his future, and incompatible with the rest of the family. If that's what he wanted, he could do it somewhere else, on his own money and time, where he couldn't force me to watch him slowly destroy himself when there wasn't anything I could do to stop it. Or, he could decide that there was some value to being a member of the family, accept the fact that we ALL still want him as a part of the family, and start acting like a member of the family. That also means accepting that there are responsibilities both to us and himself that come with that roll. It's simple: take care of yourself, take care of your loved ones, take care of your future. However, being an active, self-absorbed, disenfranchised drug addict with no ambition and no commitment was completely incompatible with being a part of the family.
So decide what's important, decide what's valuable to you, decide what road you want to walk, and choose!
So now the waiting game begins until tonight.
My only concern now is that I'll get exactly what I want. Weird, but true. If I force him into a corner to where he has no choice, will he actually get anything out of rehab or IOP? Or will it be a waste of money on my part, with the end result being that he'll just fail because it wasn't his choice.
I know that getting any kind of help - even if it's forced - is better than letting him continue down this path. In the short term, that's good for the family because it reduces the drama and stress. But long term, will it really make any difference to McWeedy? Will it help, or will it only polarize him further so that when he can actually move out on his own, he overcompensates and takes a running leap into the abyss? I know it's his choice, but I'm still his Dad, and I still love him very much. Some connections, no matter how hard you try to practice "letting go", just can't be broken.
I have a friend who's an IT consultant, who says that he never threatens to leave a company to try and negotiate a better situation. Once you make the threat, you're as good as gone anyway to the company you work for. Or, in your own mind you're already gone so your work will suffer. In his case, when he gets to that point, he simply realizes it's time to move on to something else.
My fear is that maybe the same is true with McWeedy. Instead of forcing him into treatment (which he doesn't want and will only grudgingly tolerate, if at all), maybe he should just go. Then, when he's ready, he can come back and ask for the help he needs, and will get something out of it.
No matter what, I'll probably second-guess myself regardless of what McWeedy chooses, or what the eventual outcome is. Either way, though, at least tonight I'll find out tonight which path McWeedy intends to walk.
Wish me luck.
Mikey