Update here

[toughlovin]

Hi all, Well it is good to be logged in here. So I hope you all missed me. My husband, daughter and I
went on a wonderful vacation to Europe. I decided before I left that I really needed a break from work
and from the worries about my difficult child and the best way to relax was to really unplug, not check email, not check this board to kind of just take a break. I really had a wonderful time with husband and my daughter.... although my son did not make it easy for me to stop worrying about him!!! Impossible in fact but I have come far enough that I was able to keep the worry in its place and still have fun and relax..... So now
to him...

The day we were leaving he called me in the morning to tell me he was arrested the night before and did I have time to go to court with him. Holy Moly. Well I went to his arraignment. I thought they might hold him since this arrest was clearly a violation of probation but they didn't. I did decide to get him a
lawyer because truly I do not trust the court system to do the right thing with only a court appointed
atty. I decided if he ends up in jail fine, but I don't want to have regrets because he was not well
represented.

I did talk to his girlfriend at court (he was arrested for supposedly causing property damage at her house or
something and possibly trying to break in). I like her and she likes me. I was very disturbed by the
things she said because it sounds really like he is abusive. That kind of just horrifies me to be honest.
Anyway she does not want to get him in trouble or see him go to jail....but it wasn't up to her because there were other people there.

So he was released and i drove him to where he was staying and said goodbye. Then I came home and
ran around like a crazy woman packing and getting ready to go. What a way to start a 3 week vacation overseas huh?

Several days into the trip I got a text from him asking about homeless shelters. I called him and the
apartment he thought he had fell through. He had no place to live and no place to go. We had made it clear he could not come here and it was quite a distance from where he was staying. So I worried about my son being homeless. One day we were up on this beautiful mountain with a lake on one side and
mountains on the other. I was walking along by myself on this ridge, stewing a bit and yet it was so
peaceful. I thought about what I have learned here and in alanon and I just realized that he needs to hit bottom, that I need to just let that happen, that is his only hope. Nancy I thought about you and
thought maybe this will finally be what it takes for him!! I felt peace with that and it helped me just let
it go. This is his life and he needs to figure it out. I think the fact that we were so far away was helpful too because really there was nothing I could do.

He was a little but not too communicative the rest of the trip which worried me a bit but did not get in
my way of having a good time.

When we landed I got 3 text messages from him. One asked when we were getting back. One said he
needed to meet with us to help him figure out how to get his life on track, and the last one said he had
found a possible sober house to go to.

We also got a message that he had probably been staying at our house some from someone else. So I called him and asked him directly about that. He did admit he had stayed here... he had to walk about 15 miles to get here and it took him two days, including sleeping at a train stop and in a playground. He also claims to have slept some in our back yard and some woods. I asked him right out if he took anything and he said no but said he did eat a lot of the food. So when we got home it looks like he did eat a lot from the freezer but there was no damage anywhere or anything missing (phew). I don't care about the food, I want him to eat. I was bothered that he stayed here but also kind of relieved. I had been
worried about him during the hurricaine.

So he was waiting for a phone call back from the sober living place. We agreed to help him get a motel room that night which we did. He looked so down and out I felt really bad for him. The next day he
finally got in touch with the sober living place and I drove him there (and gave him a check for the rent). But he made all the arrangements, talked to them, picked the place etc. I didn't even go into meet them. I feel like this has to be his thing, his choice, his path.

I did look the place up on line and it does look like a good place. They have strict rules which are spelled out. He has to attend 3 AA meetings a week, there are 6 or 12 step meetings held at the house a week.They drug test them weekly including random tests. I asked difficult child how many places he called and he said about 10... some didn't have openings and some didn't see like they knew what they were doing. This
place was the only place that had house meetings. The place looks good, is not far from us and is in a town with a lot of businesses and possible places to work and some public transportation which is all
good.

I wish I could talk to the place but I really feel at this point that mom needs to stay out of it... he needs to do this on his own and we can be there when he asks. I have agreed to pay the rent but told him he will need to start paying and he agreed but he has to get a job first.

So it has been a roller coaster ride but I am feeling hopeful at the moment. I know that could change
any time but I think the fact that he got to this place on his own and found the place is huge. Now I
suspect his motivation was more about not being homeless than being sober but I do think he knows he doesn't want to live the life of a homeless person.

So like I said I am hopeful and I just hope now that he has gotten this far they don't throw him in jail at his next court date!!!!

TL

 

[Signorina]

I am new here but you have given me some hope. There's a sense of peace about your post and I hope to get there someday. Thank you so much for sharing this good news.

 

[mrsammler]

Kicking out a wild, dysfunctional, unruly kid is never a bad thing. I went through a hard-drinking, hard-partying phase when I was 18-21, and after I had dropped out of college (lost a big academic scholarship due to partying all the time) and was living at my parents' home for a year, still partying a lot and getting into trouble, my father finally kicked me out. I hated him for it and moved into a depressing room in a boarding house up the street, working two jobs to pay my way but still partying as much as possible, but eventually (after losing one of the jobs via absenteeism due to being hung over in the mornings) I hit rock bottom and had no choice but to enlist in the army. Doing that completely turned my life around--I had completely learned my lesson by the end of basic training, and felt a huge surge of pride and self-worth for having gotten through basic training--and the first person I called, on my first evening furlough at the enlisted men's club at the end of basic, was my father, to thank him for having been so tough on me and forcing me to become a man.

Upshot: kicking a difficult child out, hard as it is to do, is ultimately the right thing to do. You just have to wait out the inevitable hatred from the difficult child and hope that he eventually smacks hard at the bottom of his plummet and then figures out how to get back up and fix his life. Hang in there--it does work. You just need to take the long view and try to ignore the flailing and fury of your difficult child. It's just petulant and childish noise--try to ignore it and look at the light at the end of the tunnel instead.

 

[Hound dog]

TL

I'm glad you were able to really kick back and enjoy yourself on your trip!

That said, a pretty good update to some degree. Hopefully difficult child is ready to tackle his issues head on.

I'll keep him in my prayers.

Hugs

 

[Nancy]

Tl that is very promising news. He found the place on his own and made all the arrangements. That is exactly what my difficult child did and we also paid her rent until she got a job. The place sounds very good. House meetings are good and the strict rules are necessary. You must be encouraged by this. And yet I know it can all fall apart very quickly. But for now he is safe and has a roof over his head.

I'm glad you got to enjoy your vacation.

Will watch for future updates. I am a little worried (ok a lot worried) about my difficult child right now. She moved into a less restricted halfway house, actually I think she got kicked out of the other but not sure. She is also in contact with some of her past drug friends. She still has her job but if she is using it won't be long before that falls apart, The best thing is that she is not here and is still in a protective environment but I see signs that worry me.

Nancy

 

[toughlovin]

Oh Nancy I hope if she is slipping it is just that a slip... what makes you think she was kicked out of the other one? That is my worry with my son, he will do well for awhile and then will get tired of the rules, start pushing limits and will get kicked out. I really want him to start getting some intensive therapy becuase he really needs it but again that is up to him. Now that he is living closer to us it will be much easier to get him to appointments if he wants to go and needs a ride... but again it is up to him and out of my hands.

I am wishing he would text me and let me know how it is going.... I am holding on and not contacting him, I think he needs me to keep backing off and for him to feel in control over how much contact we have so I am not initiating contact. I think at this point we have showed him over and over that we love him and support him that he needs me to keep backing off.

The good thing is starting next Friday he needs to pay rent once a week so he will need to get in touch and see me to get a rent check. LOL. I am not going to take over the responsibility and just mail a check for him, he can contact me and be responsible for getting it to them.

Anyway thinking of you and hoping your difficult child is really doing ok.

TL

 

[Nancy]

I think she got kicked out because while we were on vacation I got a call from the house director who asked me if she spent sunday with us. I said no that we were on our way to vacation. She evidently went to some guys house and they spent the day jumping off cliffs into water. She was put on restriction. Two weeks later when she was off restriction and came home for a visit she had all her belongings in her car and said she left the house because she was sick of the people. I didn't believe that for a minute but we did not rescue her. She slept in her car for a couple days and found anouther sober house that took her. It's not nearly as restrictive and she can coem and go as she pleases as long as she is in by curfew. I dont think the housemother even knows if they are in at night because she is 70 years old and very laid back. She also has no contact with her former friends at theold house and that seems strange to me. One of her best friends there had her one year anniversary and she did not even congratulate her on fb. All red flags to me. Plus I interecpted a message on fb from one of her former drug friends that she wanted to see him this weekend when she came home. Only one reason she would want to see him. Sigh.

Nancy

 

[mrsammler]

"I dont think the housemother even knows if they are in at night because she is 70 years old and very laid back." That's worthless--essentially a "crash pad" for addicts. Expect a relapse.

 

[Nancy]

Thanks for the encouragement mrsammler.

Nancy

 

[mrsammler]

Sorry--didn't mean to be discouraging. More like anger that a sober house could be run so poorly. difficult children need tight boundaries and enforcement of rules, not porous mismanagement of the very vehicles for recovery that we count upon.