Update, not a good one but meh no expectations on that

[Deni D]

Hi all ~ I'm back in the north-east-hood. Not so bad up here but a bit isolating for me especially compared to being down south. I feel so lucky I get to go down south in the winter for a bit. I wish everyone here could go someplace that feeds their sole for a couple months a year also.
So anyway, things have been boring, house projects, house work, ruminating about my son way too much to the extent I wonder if I'm losing my mind or maybe it's just that the whole world is crazy. I think being retired is great if you have a purpose, without one I'm kind of like a ship without a rudder. A couple of health issues holding me back right now anyway, eye sight problems are a major pain in the butt for independence and getting things done.
I did some online sleuth work and figured out where my son is living. He's living in a small apartment house owned by a non-profit for the mentally ill. I already knew he had a social worker from a linked mental health organization, a guy who keeps up with him and helps him and such. And then I even found out he is (was) working at a big box store by shear luck, or the grace of God. We went to look at the place where he's living (nice place) and ended up in the parking lot of the big box store a few miles down the road after picking up food from a fast food place nearby only to see him pushing carts. He's thin, but his clothes were clean and his hair was cut within the last month or so.
And then tonight I get a call from a number I don't recognize but because it's my actual area code and not the one I have for my phone I answered. It was someone saying "happy belated Mother's Day" to me. I had to ask who it was, I thought it was someone I know who was joking. But nope, it was my son calling from the Mental Health ward of the local hospital. Apparently he jumped out of the window of his second story apartment a couple of days ago. He somehow tied that in with him getting the life insurance policy money his father left him. So I guess it was induced from an over abundance of drugs and or alcohol. I was only able to get a couple of sentences of a civil conversation in with him before he switched into demanding an apology from me for all of the things I did to him and how I just happily go on with my life not caring about him, how I purposely do things to him to torture him whenever I can because it's fun for me, how I had him drugged when he was a child by "doctor shopping" to get the Bipolar diagnosis, abused him and caused him to have PTSD and so on. And then he hung up.
I called the Hospital and left a message for his clinician telling her if she would accept input from me I would like to provide her with some history on his past care. I have an eight page document that runs chronologically with his social, emotional, medical, tests, psychological, school and such that runs up to a few years ago. So if she calls me back I'll email it to her if she is willing to accept it.
He wouldn't tell me when he's getting out. It could be this time will be a longer duration or it could be the typical 72 hour hold and bye bye. But one thing I do know is tonight he was not on the Haldol they typically use to keep him quite while he's there. I'm pretty sure I got that call as a way for him to try to get his aggression out on someone but keep his cool with them. He wasn't able to get to me, as he hasn't been able to for years since I've been afforded the space from his non-stop barrages. I don't think he's going to be able to keep his cool tonight. I'm hoping he gets his stay extended, or maybe they already planned on that. Who knows, but he sure seems to get lucky in ways that amaze me, more than I've seen anyone else. Hope this is just one more jagged step to some real care for him.
Thanks for reading, sorry for not contributing these days, as I've said before when I'm in a negative head space it just doesn't feel like I can be honestly supportive. I'll get there at some point, seems I'm a slow learner though .

 

[MissLulu]

Hi Deni,

Good to hear from you, but sorry to hear your son is not doing better.

It's such a roller coaster isn't it? I'm glad to hear he's getting help and safe for now. It's good news that he has been working and has secure accommodation - all steps in the right direction. Of course the self harm is a big step backwards, as is the abusive phone call. I can understand if it is taking a bit for you to process all that. This is the stuff I find hard - the hope followed by the crushing blow when things go wrong.

I hope you are okay and are looking after yourself.

Sending you a virtual hug.

 

[RN0441]

Prayers that your son finds his way soon and for your peace.

Thanks for the update.

 

[Waitingforamiracle]

"before he switched into demanding an apology from me for all of the things I did to him and how I just happily go on with my life not caring about him, how I purposely do things to him to torture him whenever I can because it's fun for me, how I had him drugged when he was a child by "doctor shopping" to get the Bipolar diagnosis, abused him and caused him to have PTSD and so on"
Hi Deni, this is how my son spoke to me before he left the house and cut us off. Except the 'doctor shopping' bit, we purposely did not get him diagnosed as we suspected the cure might be worse than the disease, but I always thought there was something not right. But I bet MY son would say at that bit, "But you never got me the help I needed, you just left me to it!" what I do know is, you cannot win... I hope and pray your son finds his way soon. I couldn't do it - drive to see him working, that is. I just would rather not know what he is doing...

 

[Deni D]

Thank you all for your replies and your prayers.

My son called again tonight. I started off by trying to make it a light conversation, but as usual it was not possible with my son. At least he's still in the hospital.

I told him again tonight that I would be willing to go to therapy with him once he felt he was settled down enough. He proceeded to accuse me of "storming out" of a therapy session years ago where supposedly it was suggested to me that his issues were all around me not accepting a diagnosis of him having PTSD from my abuse instead of his very long-term bipolar diagnosis. And then after storming out I supposedly came back into this particular session as if there was nothing wrong. And at that time he was offered contact with child protective services for him because he was not an adult. I kept telling him I did not remember this therapist session and kept pushing him for where this was (he's had a few therapists through the years), telling him I was willing to make an appointment with them to go and find out what happened. I figured if he thought I would actually be willing to invest in his claims it would calm him down a bit. It didn't work, I guess because deep down no matter how confused he is he knows it's only his desperate attempt to not take responsibility for himself.

I just don't know what he really believes verses what he knows he makes up out of his desperation. Dealing with someone with a severe mental illness is like that.

He couldn't remember which therapist this was with but he went on to telling me I would "storm out" of any therapy session I didn't like and how I "lie" about everything that doesn't work for the image I want to portray about myself. Image? Really? He has no idea of how real I am with the people around me, there's nothing much to protect, it's just so laughable. Not an "image" that needs protecting for sure.

So according to him therapy together would not work unless I was willing to admit how I lie about everything. I told him over and over I wasn't lying but didn't remember these things and that if someone really believes something for them it wasn't lying. My motive was to give him an out on the seemingly altered dimension he lives in. I don't know if a seed was planted or not. He was told after a bit by someone at the unit he had to get off of the phone, that the phones were being turned off. He called me earlier than he did last night so maybe they did not like what they were hearing from him and just decided to stop him. Hopefully they are observing him because he's certainly not stable, not even close.

I'm grateful though, grateful he's still there, longer than the 72 hour typical hold, hope this one goes long enough.

MissLulu

Sending you a virtual hug.

Thank you so much, I took that hug and felt it across the interweaves as if you were here in my living room with me, I loved it. It is returned right back to you, big hug, shoulders slightly lifting as we ever so slightly rock back and forth, deep soul reaching, friendship, only as sisters from another mother, from our life's circumstances can create as a connection only we can understand. I'm sending the same hug to everyone out there in our world tonight.

 

[JMom]

Deni,
Sorry to hear that you are struggling. Is your eyesight something that will eventually return? I'm praying for that. I remember the days of digging to check in on my son. We know what we will likely find, but can't help what we will find. I think it's ok to check in from time to time. It is painful, but as moms, we sometimes just have to check-in. I think it's definitely good news that the hold has lasted more than 72 hours. I think I would be curious to take that offer of family therapy, just to see the therapist's take on all of it

I am hopeful that he is getting some help and being tracked by a mental health professional. That is reassuring that he is not flailing around without eyes on him. I encourage you to practice some self-care in the midst of your turmoil. This can take a toll on you and I would like to see you on the road to recovery and detachment. Self-care is the hardest to jump into when you're dealing with all these emotions. Hugs to you and know that we are all thinking of you and sending prayers/good vibes.

Love,
Jmom

 

[Copabanana]

Dear Deni

I posted to you earlier and the whole post was lost! I will make it succinct. I am sorry I have been absorbed in my own personal drama (very much like yours, unfortunately.)

I wanted to say this: You are a factor here. Your welfare and your healing. Which is to say, you deserve to be protected! You deserve to be emotionally safe. At some point our adult sons have to step up for themselves, and yes, they need to step up for us. Whether or not they do, of course, is by no means a given. But it is a moral imperative. And it is a moral imperative to us to be able to let them do this. What that means is this: it's necessary to pull back and let your son grow a spine. And for that to happen (I am speaking to me, too) we have to grow spines ourselves.

There are myriad services available for our sons. There are all kinds of mature, good, compassionate and qualified people to help guide them, to help them process their lives, to support them. There IS NO NECESSITY nor is there an imperative or is it in any way required that we participate in their treatment or allow ourselves to be browbeaten by them. I will speak here for me: I have participated in my son's developing a neural pathway that EVERYTHING comes from me and when it doesn't he can verbally beat me up to make sure that what he is CERTAIN he deserves, is forthcoming.

I do him no favor whatsoever by contributing to this pattern.

What I am trying to say is that sometimes love has to do with pulling back to support their growing in themselves. Their seeking accountability from themselves, not us. It's not only that sometimes love is "no." It's that sometimes love is silent. It's self-contained. It's deep in us. It's like a jewel deep inside our hearts. It is not about doing this or that. Or saying this or that. It's about something deeper than that. Deeper and more enduring. The problem with this I am finding, is that when I hold back, all kinds of feelings come up in me. About my history. About what I lacked as a child. About the ways I have looked to my son-to heal hurts in me.

Well. It's grown up time. I have to show up for myself. You see, I am finding that I am very much the broken person too.

I am sorry if I projected my own problems onto your situation. But if it helps anybody else, let it be.

Love, Copa








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[Nandina]

Oh Copa, how beautifully touching that was. Your ability for self-reflection and honesty, I find, remarkable! Many hugs.
Love, Nandina

 

[Nandina]

Deni, I went back and reread your initial post and saw a couple things I wanted to comment on but forgot to!

(Since I still don’t know how to quote—any help accepted!) I’ll just say...what you said about not wanting to contribute when you’re in a negative head space really rang true to me.

I have been in that space recently and am slowly crawling out of it. Glad to see that you are too.

We all probably crawl in and out of that head space at times when our kids are off the rails. If we didn’t have those moments of intense feeling for our beloved sons and daughters, we wouldn’t be human. But at some point we realize that it’s time to focus on ourselves, if we can do it. Some of us take longer than others to get there, just like some of our kids take longer to heal, if in fact, they can. Sadly, some are never able to. That hurts my heart, as a mom, who like any mom here, always did the very best she could for her kids.

I feel so much for all the mothers here who have abusive children who are mentally ill, or mentally ill and using drugs that compound and exacerbate their condition. The abuse your children have tried to force on you is just appalling and turns my stomach. I realize you probably become hardened to some of it, knowing that it comes from the illness and not the soul of your adult child. But I know it hurts your soul to hear that kind of abuse even once. It certainly would mine.

I have little experience with mental illness, although lots with addiction. I do have experience though, with the pain of having a wayward “adult” child. It waxes and wanes... Deni, I pray that your son will get the help he needs.


Love and hugs, Nandina

 

[Deni D]

Hi all, thanks for the reply's.

Is your eyesight something that will eventually return?

There are things they can do, I'm have a small procedure done in a couple of weeks to see for one of my eyes. But it seems eventually I'll most likely be legally blind. I'll work through with Uber and sight aids, probably start having someone come clean my house at some point. I used to volunteer at place that supports blind people way back, there are many more supports out there these days.

I am hopeful that he is getting some help and being tracked by a mental health professional.

This is something that he seems to have more and more these days. The place where he is living was provided to him from a mental health organization, and he has a social worker from them too. He says he's not going to be kicked out of the place because it's for people with his same issues. I think it could be they might move him to a more restrictive living environment, but would be very surprised if they just put him out. He also has a guy who lives in the apartment house who looks over people. And I'm pretty certain the longer hospital stay has something to do with this organization being involved. He's now been in there over a week, and told me last night they are keeping him there for a bit longer. It's not by his choice, he said something to me about "getting in trouble" the other day.

I encourage you to practice some self-care in the midst of your turmoil.

But at some point we realize that it’s time to focus on ourselves, if we can do it.

You are a factor here. Your welfare and your healing.

thank you, yes I realize this and am doing a couple of things, yoga, catching up with at least one person a day and not mentioning my son, and getting outside to get a bit done everyday. Right now it's kind of like I just feel like I'm pushing myself to do things I don't want to do but it is distracting, it will get better.

I will speak here for me: I have participated in my son's developing a neural pathway that EVERYTHING comes from me and when it doesn't he can verbally beat me up to make sure what he is CERTAIN he deserves, is forthcoming.

Well hell, you always put things so clearly. It's what I think too about my relationship with my son, have for many years. Right now because he has no one else to call, that I know of, I answer the phone when he calls from the unit. I wonder if it does any good for him to at least know someone is there for him, or if it just works him up more and doesn't allow for his treatment to work. I'm pretty sure they hear him, and am counting on them to decide if they need to cut those calls off.

The problem with this I am finding, is that when I hold back, all kinds of feelings come up in me. About my history. About what I lacked as a child. About the ways I have looked to my son-to heal hurts in me.

Yeah, you put it much better, I'm been feeling like if I can't have a decent relationship with my son then maybe I really am so flawed I should be ashamed of myself. With all of the character assignation stuff he throws at me along with it I find myself digging deep to try to figure out what it is about me. You know the control thing, if it's something about me then I can do something about it. Need to just let that bit go though.

 

[JMom]

Deni,

On a side note: I was with my son one day and his phone rang. It was kinda weird because he was directing someone around their house. I said what are you doing son? He joined an app called "be my eyes". Visually impaired people call the number and someone will pick up. He said, "you are their eyes". This woman was picking up dog poop and wanted to make sure she got all of it off the floor. He got another call and helped a woman pick out which shirt color she should wear. I thought that was the sweetest thing I've ever heard.

Just food for thought if you struggle with a task, they be able to help! You would be amazed at how many people have joined this app to help!
Hugs,
JMOM

 

[Nandina]

JMom—that is a great idea and how kind and thoughtful of your son to want to be a part of it! He really has come a long way, hasn’t he? His true nature is showing, and it’s beautiful.