Update on difficult child

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by missy44, Apr 1, 2009.

  1. missy44

    missy44 New Member

    Well, it's been awhile, but i felt i needed to stay away for a bit. i have been getting advice from a professional counsellor and a drug counsellor and the advice i was getting on here was scaring me. i know i have to face scary things, but it was alot to handle.

    well, here is the scoop. i took to him to his pediatrician and have been able to get him a new family doctor (he lost his pediatrician when he was 17), he is now being referred to a psyc for depression (acute depression is what they are calling it). the weight loss has been atributed to malnutrition (not eating and too much partying). I have been told numerous times that we are not dealing with a "drug' problem but it is a depression issue and he was medicating ocassionally with marijuana and alcohol. the 2 counsellors feel that he spiralled out of control with his life, no job, no college, no girlfriend, and he was removed from his hockey team, then he bummed off his friends, they got fed up and he was kicked out of their home. he wasn't eating very much and things just kept deteriorating.

    the plan now is (the plan has been set out by my difficult child and the counsellors).
    -weekly counselling appointment's until he is in with a psyc regularly
    -difficult child is going on social assistance until he gets a job and is moving out (following our rules now, but you can tell he doesn't like them), found a room in a nice home and is moving out next week (still close to home, but will give him his independence)
    -a job - he's applied at numerous places and had an interview tonight
    -the gym, he now has a personal trainer and is at the gym 3 or 4 times a week (he loves it)
    -protein shake diet (with lots of healthy food) he has gained 11 pounds in almost two weeks (he looks and feels good)
    -no marijuana or alcohol in our home - home by 10:00pm, if not he must call and be home in the morning (he has followed these rules to a tee)
    -we watched closely for withdrawl of any sort and he has not appeared to struggle with anything at all so I'm relying on the info from the professionals we've been working with (daily)

    Thanks all for your input, I don't want to sound unappreciative because I am and I very well may be back at some point (i pray that i'm not). for now my difficult child is doing so well and i'm going to take it for today. last week was sooo long, scary and trying.

    Talk soon and take care all. i'm sure i've forgotten many things, but today i'm smiling...
  2. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    I hope he will continue to recover. It sounds as though you are all doing well.
  3. Estherfromjerusalem

    Estherfromjerusalem Well-Known Member

    Missy, it sounds like a really good plan. I hope he can stick to it. Wishing you the very best of luck.


    Love, Esther
  4. Suz

    Suz (the future) MRS. GERE

    Good luck, Missy. It sounds like an excellent start.

  5. Star*

    Star* call 911........call 911


    I'm glad you and your family were able to find a solution that worked for you. Continued luck.

  6. standswithcourage

    standswithcourage New Member

    That sounds great. It is so nice to have a plan. For so long we havent had a plan it seems. Hope it works out great.
  7. Dollhouse

    Dollhouse Guest

    Hi there,

    You have to do what's best for you. When I first started posting here, I had the same reaction as you; even though others were kind to give me advice, it scared the cr*p out of me and I couldn't deal with what was being suggested. I wasn't ready or at the point where I could just throw my son to the curb. Every situation is different and ever person has to handle to the best of their ability and what they are comfortable with.

    Your son sounds like mine; excessive weight loss due to partying at college and self-medicating with-pot and occasional alcohol because of depression and not being able to cope.

    Good luck and please keep everyone posted. I pray that all works out for you and your family.

  8. missy44

    missy44 New Member

    HI all,
    Another update... my difficult child continues to go to counselling and is still looking for a job (he's had some interviews, so fingers crossed, he's gained 14 pounds with his protein shakes and homemade meals seem to be helping, he's been going to the gym 3 times a week, a full physical will be scheduled in the next week or so and he has an appointment with a psychiatrist on May 5th.

    I'm a little scared because we are moving him into his own place on Wednesday and i'm not sure he's ready, but at least when he's out i won't be worrying so much. He still goes out at night and doesn't come home, but he always calls before 10pm to let us know that he won't be home. Most of his friends have their own places so I guess it's more fun for him there...

    This past weekend he was out on Friday night (partying a bit I suspect). He had promised his little sister that he would go to her hockey game that was at 8:00am on Saturday morning. I was sure he wouldn't show, but he showed up at 8:05am, he had one of his friends get up and drive him. It was a little step, but i was so happy that he kept his promise.

    on Saturday, he was tired and didn't go to the gym with his little brother. His brother was quite disappointed (there is a lot of repairing for my difficult child to do as his little brother feels his big brother abandoned him and was acting pretty 'stupid' during the past seven months), on Sunday my difficult child took two hours and went and worked out with my younger son.

    He didn't come last night, but called, he was home this morning ready to go to see his counsellor and then he went to the dentist for a cleaning and to have one of his caps repaired. He spent the rest of the day hanging out with my husband, handed out resumes, picked out a cell phone plan for himself and came home to have dinner with us. Tonight he'll most likely stay at his friends again. I wish I could get the worry out of mind, i think the worst... I know he's most likely smoking pot and i can't change that, but if he continues to get his life together and gets into the psyc maybe he'll see that there is more to life (I think he already knows that).

    I believe the counsellor who told me "i really don't suspect you're dealing with a "major hard core" drug issue, i believe you're dealing with a kid who is lost, depressed and trying to get his life back". He thinks he
    has been smoking ALOT of pot, but feels it is more psychological and that once his issues of depression are dealt with, he'll be okay in the end.

    I wish i were as optimistic, i'm a worrier by nature. I guess the move will eliminate some of worry. I won't always know when he's out or when he's not coming home.

    We've agreed that he will come home at least 2x's a week for dinner and he'll go to the gym with his little brother at least once a week. My husband and i have agreed that we will pick him up and take him to all his medical and counselling appointments, but he will use his bus pass to get to work (when he gets a job) and to get to the gym. The counsellor has suggested that we stay as involved as much as possible in all of his medical and counselling appointments until our difficult child has enough motivation and confidence to do it on his own.

    Any thoughts on all of this. Thanks to all!
  9. missy44

    missy44 New Member

    well, another update. some good, some bad, but better than it was a few weeks back.
    my son is still talking regularly with my friend (counsellor) but hasn't seen the drug counsellor in a few weeks. he told my difficult child that he doesn't believe he has a drug problem but is very depressed and to call him if he feels he needs to see him, otherwise he'll see him every 2 or 3 weeks.

    my difficult child has moved out, is on social assistance and is lonely, depressed, but is keeping in touch with us. he finally got a job which i was so happy about, but now the real work begins, he's having trouble staying focused and is unhappy. duh, he hasn't done anything with his life in the past year. he's doing construction (mon-fri 7-5) and has only been working since last Friday and already didn't show up to work on monday. he went back in on tuesday and they said they would give him another chance. i'm not holding my breath that he'll keep the job, everyday i have to talk to him, tell him how well he's doing and remind him that this is only temporty (until he finds something else) and it isn't for the rest of his life.

    his appointment with the psyc is on May 5th, hopefully they can get to some of his issues and possibly medicate him for depression (fingers crossed).

    he isn't keeping up with the gym as much as he should be, but he's trying and goes with his little brother at least once a week. he has come for dinner a few times and spent easter with us, visiting family, it was a nice day.

    he tells me he's a grown up, don't worry about my anymore mom, but he's so irrational. i mean, who just doesn't show up to work, doesn't call in and yet has bills to pay!

    tonight he called me, crying, he worked for 13 hours, he didn't take a lunch with him and he just hated the day. i guess some of the guys weren't overly nice (mind you they were probably ****** that he didn't show up to work on monday) and he asked me to pick him up. he sounded desperate, so i picked him up, took him for some pizza, talked him out of not going tomorrow, told him i loved him, hugged him, brought him home and let him make a decent lunch for himself tomorrow and took him to his "room". his grandparents are giving him a used tv on friday so he'll have something at his place (he's so bored and lonely, the tv might help keep him home and give him something to do). my husband and i have decided that we're going to give him back his laptop that we bought him for college (we were holding out until he decides to go back to school but our counsellor told us that our thoughts might be unreasonable and it might help keep him at home and occupied), we've told him that he needs to keep his job or he has to give us back the laptop.

    on a good note, my difficult child is crying now, the anger is gone. he has told me he loves me more in the last 3 weeks then he has in the last 4 years. i've hugged him so much and i have hope... i know we have many more bumps in the road, and he might not keep this job, and he will fall on his face again, but for right now he's so much better than he was and i have actually seen my "real" son from time to time in the past few weeks. i've missed him so much...

    i'm exhausted mentally and physically, i'm trying to detach yet remain available for things that will help him. i drive him to all of his appointments and job searches. i have him for dinner whenever he wants and i don't mind letting him come to our home to make a good lunch for himself. in some ways i go to far (like giving him wake up calls in the morning for work) but i'm trying to stop that... i told him tonight, i'm not giving you a wake up call (i didn't this morning either) and he said "mom, you don't need to worry about me, I"ll be fine. don't worry about calling me in the am". And then he said "your hair looks really nice" (i was at a wonderful hair appointment tonight when he called in complete panic mode). :)

    thanks all for listening.. any thoughts are always appreciated.
  10. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    Big hugs to you. I know this is hard on everyone. I'm glad that you are giving him the laptop and that he is getting a tv. It would be very lonely indeed. Maybe he'll decide that manual labor isn't really the thing for him and want to go to college after all. M decided that, but only after 5 years and he's 22 years old. Sorry, M, that money was spent long ago...
  11. Estherfromjerusalem

    Estherfromjerusalem Well-Known Member

    Missy, you are one great warrior mom! I don't think you could do more if you tried, and you are stlll somehow keeping boundaries there. In my opinion that is an amazing achievement with a difficult child. I hope the computer and the TV help him.

    Love, Esther
  12. Suz

    Suz (the future) MRS. GERE

    Missy, I don't have any advice but wanted to recommend that when time has gone by or you have another topic that you start a new post so the rest of us know it's different from your original post.

  13. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    Missy it sounds like difficult child is on the right path. Hopefully (fingers crossed) he will be able and willing to stay on it until he is once again stable.

    You've been doing a great job. :) Sounds like, despite the depression, difficult child is also trying hard. And he's smart enough to appreciate the support system he has.
  14. missy44

    missy44 New Member

    thanks everyone. i'm so exhausted, but today he went to work (i headed that one off last night) and he sent me a text message thanking me for the lunch i helped him put together last night. I keep reminding myself "baby steps", and I do know that this will be a lonnnngggg road with many more bumps along the way.

    what a wonderful place this is to come to. the support brings tears to my eyes at a time when I feel so alone and overwhelmed.

    Thanks to everyone :)

    P.S. Sue, thanks for the tip, let's hope I have some great news to post in the near future and I can start a new thread.
  15. standswithcourage

    standswithcourage New Member

    Good luck from me too! I know how hard it is to find the right thing.