My youngest has been dating a new guy for 6 months or so. She has been spending weekends there, with both her kids, for the last 4-5 months. She has all but moved in, and the idea was to move in after Christmas. But now, things are getting dicey. My 4 year old grandson is developing behavior issues (again, he did this the last time his life became unstable, with her last boyfriend). This is affecting her relationship with the new boyfriend. She's questioning whether she should actually move in completely. She can't find a job. She has no skills whatsoever, so she's probably not going to make more than minimum wage. Minimum wage won't cover the cost of child care for 2 kids so she can work. The child care assistance programs in our area are closed, you can't get assistance. Two year waitlist. No housing (Section 8) assistance either, you can't even get on the waitlist for that any more. She gets a small amount of child support from my grandson's father, but nothing from my granddaughter's father; he's in prison. She applied for TANF and was turned down because of the child support from my grandson's father (a whopping $400 a month disqualifies for you for TANF, guess they think you can live on that?). The only assistance she has is Medicaid and food stamps (card), and she's been told that's all she can qualify for, period. She's asked time and time again.
She lived with me the first 6 months of this year, and spun her wheels most of that time. She did finally get her GED, which was a great accomplishment. This new guy came along, and she did what she usually does, moved right on to let someone else take care of her. Honestly if he hadn't come along, I was close to finally giving her a firm deadline to have a job or get out, even though getting out would likely mean a homeless shelter for her and the kids. I had cut her a break the first few months she was with me, because she came out of a really, really bad situation with the last boyfriend, and was going through a lot of PTSD She's depressed, but won't get help. At this point, I'm tired of hearing it, though. She made all these stupid choices, and refused all advice to the contrary. She is full of excuses. I can't be her therapist, and I'm tired of looking up numbers and giving her ideas and suggestions, only to have her lose the numbers and never follow through on anything. I'm done.
So, I'm at a loss. Part of me wants to tell her she's out of luck, they can't 'come back' to my house (even though they technically haven't fully moved out, they're just rarely there). Part of me wants to say ok, for the sake of my grandkids, and give her a deadline right up front. But I know that realistically, I can't see how she'll find a job that will cover child care, gas for her car, insurance, and rent anywhere. How do people do it?! I was a single mom but I had a good paying job, I'd had it for years before their dad and I split. It was a struggle, paycheck to paycheck, but we survived. I honestly don't know how she'll survive without living with someone who supports her at this point. Except, I can't keep being that person . When she and the kids were there full time, I hated going home. I hated living in my own house. I went out constantly just to avoid being there. If I was home, I stayed in my room a lot. I couldn't enjoy my grandchildren, they just added to the chaos. I dreaded being asked to babysit them. No way to live. Having them gone every weekend the past few months, and now gone completely the past several weeks, has been heaven. I finally feel 'sane' again.
I've given so much advice here about writing up rules, setting boundaries, practicing tough love. It was 'easy' for me with my Oldest. I've gotten really good at it with her, and it's paid off. I find it really, really difficult with Youngest, though, because of my grandkids. I tell myself, if only she didn't have kids, I wouldn't put up with all this. But, I can't keep saying that. I have to not put up with it, period, kids or no kids. My therapist tells me, "You need to start putting up the same boundaries with Youngest, that you have with Oldest." She's right. But man, it's SO hard to think of my grandchildren suffering.
Not sure what I'm going to do.. but wanted to put this out to those of you that might 'get it.' Of course, Youngest is also infamous for dragging on decisions like this for weeks. She'll call or text me one day, despondent, ready to walk out, the next, she's happy and making plans for the future with the guy. So I try not to panic, as nothing may change for weeks or months. But, I also want to be prepared with what I'll do if and when it falls apart.
She lived with me the first 6 months of this year, and spun her wheels most of that time. She did finally get her GED, which was a great accomplishment. This new guy came along, and she did what she usually does, moved right on to let someone else take care of her. Honestly if he hadn't come along, I was close to finally giving her a firm deadline to have a job or get out, even though getting out would likely mean a homeless shelter for her and the kids. I had cut her a break the first few months she was with me, because she came out of a really, really bad situation with the last boyfriend, and was going through a lot of PTSD She's depressed, but won't get help. At this point, I'm tired of hearing it, though. She made all these stupid choices, and refused all advice to the contrary. She is full of excuses. I can't be her therapist, and I'm tired of looking up numbers and giving her ideas and suggestions, only to have her lose the numbers and never follow through on anything. I'm done.
So, I'm at a loss. Part of me wants to tell her she's out of luck, they can't 'come back' to my house (even though they technically haven't fully moved out, they're just rarely there). Part of me wants to say ok, for the sake of my grandkids, and give her a deadline right up front. But I know that realistically, I can't see how she'll find a job that will cover child care, gas for her car, insurance, and rent anywhere. How do people do it?! I was a single mom but I had a good paying job, I'd had it for years before their dad and I split. It was a struggle, paycheck to paycheck, but we survived. I honestly don't know how she'll survive without living with someone who supports her at this point. Except, I can't keep being that person . When she and the kids were there full time, I hated going home. I hated living in my own house. I went out constantly just to avoid being there. If I was home, I stayed in my room a lot. I couldn't enjoy my grandchildren, they just added to the chaos. I dreaded being asked to babysit them. No way to live. Having them gone every weekend the past few months, and now gone completely the past several weeks, has been heaven. I finally feel 'sane' again.
I've given so much advice here about writing up rules, setting boundaries, practicing tough love. It was 'easy' for me with my Oldest. I've gotten really good at it with her, and it's paid off. I find it really, really difficult with Youngest, though, because of my grandkids. I tell myself, if only she didn't have kids, I wouldn't put up with all this. But, I can't keep saying that. I have to not put up with it, period, kids or no kids. My therapist tells me, "You need to start putting up the same boundaries with Youngest, that you have with Oldest." She's right. But man, it's SO hard to think of my grandchildren suffering.
Not sure what I'm going to do.. but wanted to put this out to those of you that might 'get it.' Of course, Youngest is also infamous for dragging on decisions like this for weeks. She'll call or text me one day, despondent, ready to walk out, the next, she's happy and making plans for the future with the guy. So I try not to panic, as nothing may change for weeks or months. But, I also want to be prepared with what I'll do if and when it falls apart.
Last edited:
